Leaving the house, would this annoy you?

[helloballoon]

My DP was working late last night, I was upstairs with the kids, they were being quite noisy and I was trying to calm them down so they were quiet as I knew he had to get something done and then was trying to get them to bed. Managed to do so then my DP calls me on my phone which I thought was strange so I answered, he had gone out the house 15 mins ago and was calling to see if we needed milk. I wasn’t even aware he had left the house. This really annoyed me, I think it was rude and it’s common courtesy to tell your partner if you are going out.

i wasn’t going to say anything when he h
got home but he kept asking me what was up and I told him I thought he was rude for leaving the house without telling me. Cue his defensiveness telling me he shouted me 3 times - obviously I didn’t hear him or acknowledge him as I would have done if I had actually heard him

I know it’s petty but would this annoy you? Also annoyed that he can’t accept this annoyed me and started arguing with me about it, wish I hadn’t said anything.

If he did call 3 times and then called you to see if you needed milk , I don't see anything wrong with this , he's not a prisoner. But depends where he went and for how long, did he just nip to the shops and then back or go out for hours on end

"Excellent point. And why wouldn’t he come in and say goodnight to his kids before he left. Give them a kiss and a cuddle to help them settle into bed. Isn’t that what most parents would do? And while there he could have said to you that he was going to the shops, is there anything that you need me to get while I’m there?"

It's funny when someone offers a very detailed opinion of what another person they know nothing about, in a scenario they weren't present in, should do.

Thank you for your input.

In my defence I am not passive aggressive or neither did I give him the silent treatment.

You said he repeatedly asked you what was wrong and you said "Nothing", while making it clear that you were annoyed.

That is classic passive-agressive behaviour which is toxic and potentially damaging to your relationship and a poor example to your children. It is more likely to exacerbate conflict than resolve it, as you have discovered.

You owe your husband an apology for this behaviour whether or not you believe he did something wrong.

In my opinion, calling out three times over your noisy children and calling by telephone while he was out should be enough, to let you know his intentions.

Is it possible that if you had known in advance that he wanted to go out you would have refused to give him permission? Is that the reason you are so annoyed? If so, you need to think about why you need to exert so much control.

Perhaps he’d done good nights etc! And sulking is PA and very juvenile!

Oh It’s changed in your first post you stated they were being quite noisy, but now they weren’t.

my god, I didn’t want to make a big deal of it and had he just left it I would have returned to normal. Unfortunately I’m not a robot and I cant just switch my feelings on and off. I am human and get annoyed about stuff, sometimes stuff that I know is not a big deal so in that moment how in your opinion is the best way to deal with it? Let my self get over it internally without causing a scene but being accused as being passive aggressive or voice my silly annoyance which will then result in an argument?

I have no issue with him going out, as I said before I was trying to keep the children quiet for his benefit and he wasn’t even in nor had the courtesy to tell me he was going out, I was then trying to settle them for bed and the youngest wouldn’t settle until he returned at 9.30 asking where he was.

and I really disagree, if you shout someone and know they haven’t heard you you can’t use that to say well I did tell you it’s not my fault you couldn’t hear. Takes 2 seconds to walk up the stairs to tell me.

Well yes. What would have been the alternative, he comes up to the room knowing that the kids are already hyped up, say he is going out and risk the kids getting hyped up more?

It is not as if he was leaving for a long time he was just nipping to the shop.

If that was our house the only thing I would sulk about if I was you was if my DH didn’t bring me back a bar of chocolate!! (And as this is MN I need to point out I am being sarcastic and wouldn’t actually go in a sulk if no chocolate appeared)

Sorry, to him they were being noisy as they sound really loud in the office below and he is quite sensitive to noise when he trying to concentrate.

He doesn't need to say sorry to you.

OP AIBU

85% YABU

OP No I’m not.

shame he called you at all, it meant your child wouldn’t settle. If he’d not rung that wouldn’t have happened.

If someone shouted 3 times and couldn't be heard and were literally just nipping the shops, what is the big deal? Why did this offend you so much?

What I said was he didn't sneak out. You've totally made that part up to fit your narrative.

i wasn’t going to say anything when he got home but he kept asking me what was up You weren’t going to say anything but you made your feelings clear by other means

He told you. You didn't hear. YABVU.

It would have annoyed me that he needed to call and ask if 'we' needed milk. Because he is part of that 'we'.

If he was going to the shop, I would have hoped he had checked to see what was needed first and not have to rely on me to tell him - when that chore was his choice, not mine.

And if his intention was not to go the shop but he had ended up there, I would have expected him to make that decision re milk on his own.

Sounds like he was cross/sulking that you didn't hear him call (3 times!) and wanted to let you know (look we might need milk! Let me phone you and tell you so you know I went out without you noticing! Boo hoo.)

Gosh I often go to the shop and realise I haven’t checked if we need a particular thing so call/text DH to ask him if we need something. Didn’t realise that made me ‘not part of the family’!

Nipping out without tell me would probably surprise me but not really annoy me.
I’d have been more annoyed that if he’s free to grab milk, he’s free to help with bedtime. Especially if it sounds like I’ve got my hands full.

This

A fuss over nothing.

So what if he had said goodnight earlier. The kids were not yet settled or asleep. He is a parent. If he had finished work he should go up and help the other parent with getting the kids settled into bed. That is what most parents do. And what evidence do you have of the Op actually sulking? None.

@helloballoon You showed your partner consideration when he was working. Yanbu to want to be shown similar consideration too.

Crikey! Do people really get this get up about milk? Honestly?

I live in a different world.

Only that she admitted that she was angry about and her DH noticed her mardiness?

Is that not what the whole thread is about?

She admits she would’ve stopped sulking in her own time, but he insisted she tell him what it was about.

apart from that I have no evidence, but that s fairly substantial.

It is absolutely ridiculous to get annoyed at someone in the shop phoning to check whether we're out of something. Forgetting to check is a normal, commonplace error. DP and I have done this countless times to each other and neither of us has ever been even mildly put out by it. Are you generally an irritable person?

Wow surprised by the responses for this one. I’d find it really weird if my partner went out without telling me. What if there was an emergency and a child hit their head and you were shouting for his help. Or a fire. I know it’s catastrophizing but I like to know who’s physically in the house at all times. It’s just a common courtesy. Also we have a no shouting up the stairs rule because we have neighbours and it’s pretty rude and no guarantees it would be heard.

if he’d finished working or was taking a break he should first come up and offer to help with the kids before putting himself first for a walk. I’d at least expect a text from him.

What if there was an emergency and a child hit their head and you were shouting for his help. Or a fire

Do you live your whole life planning around events that have an absolutely minuscule chance of happening?

my god, I didn’t want to make a big deal of it

Your actions suggest you do want to make a big deal of it though. You made your annoyance clear enough that your husband had to keep asking you what was wrong.

Then, when your husband (understandably) had had enough he got angry.

Then, it was a big enough deal that you came on here looking for validation. Unfortunately, you can't accept that 84% of us think you are unreasonable.

Unfortunately I’m not a robot and I cant just switch my feelings on and off.

You don't have to be a robot to relegate your feelings and behaviour. Non-toxic people do it all the time.

how in your opinion is the best way to deal with it?

Get some perspective on what is important and what is not. If it's not important let it go. If it is important talk about it honestly and openly. Don't use silence, sulking or refusal to discuss what is bothering you as a weapon.

Be honest with yourself and think about why your husband and 84% of people on here think you are unreasonable.

You, your husband and your children will be happier and more settled if you deal with conflict appropriately.

I was then trying to settle them for bed and the youngest wouldn’t settle until he returned at 9.30 asking where he was.

Why couldn't you just tell him Daddy's gone out for milk? Then he wouldn't have to keep asking. Did he sense your annoyance and feel unsettled by it?

Takes 2 seconds to walk up the stairs to tell me.

I obviously don't know why he didn't do that, but he did phone you shortly afterwards (15 minutes?). That doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

Ha, you guys are being so obtuse. Context is everything.

Leaving the house at 9pm while your partner is upstairs wrestling with the little kids and then randomly wondering whether you might need milk = odd. If your partner is at home with the kids and you did not have the courtesy to tell them you were leaving, then do the chores yourself. Unless you were in some way pissed off that your partner did not hear you (because, amazingly, some men are v much like that) and want to say 'look, I am here. I stropped off. Notice me!')

For some reason, his action has triggered the OP.

I am making an assumption that her DH is a bit of a sulker and someone who 'can't be told' (cf his response when she told him how that had made her feel. Not 'argh, I'm so sorry, I can see that was a bit odd'. But, 'huh, I called you three times. me me me.' (to paraphrase!)

Maybe there was something else going on. Maybe his work was frustrating and he needed someone to blame. I dunno. But yeah, I'm going for him having previous on this.