Leaving the house, would this annoy you?

[helloballoon]

My DP was working late last night, I was upstairs with the kids, they were being quite noisy and I was trying to calm them down so they were quiet as I knew he had to get something done and then was trying to get them to bed. Managed to do so then my DP calls me on my phone which I thought was strange so I answered, he had gone out the house 15 mins ago and was calling to see if we needed milk. I wasn’t even aware he had left the house. This really annoyed me, I think it was rude and it’s common courtesy to tell your partner if you are going out.

i wasn’t going to say anything when he h
got home but he kept asking me what was up and I told him I thought he was rude for leaving the house without telling me. Cue his defensiveness telling me he shouted me 3 times - obviously I didn’t hear him or acknowledge him as I would have done if I had actually heard him

I know it’s petty but would this annoy you? Also annoyed that he can’t accept this annoyed me and started arguing with me about it, wish I hadn’t said anything.

If you are keeping them quiet so he can work then I would be annoyed, why couldn't he help you and then go out ?

Wouldn’t bother me in the least

I think she was annoyed at the fact that she wouldn’t have been so hepped up on the kids being quiet if she knew he left.

Ditto

Do parents really have to double up
on bedtimes? Not sure DH and I ever did.

Both of us capable of doing it alone.

The DH had just finished work and gone to the shop, I hope if OP finishes work, she never has the audacity to pop into a shop after!

Just an idea , if the children are particularly boisterous, then as a couple you can have a better evening.
I have worked with children for 40 years so do know what helps some parents cope.

Just as an idea….. sort bedtime so they’re not so boisterous.

But just to say that OP whilst saying they were being noisy in the first post, then changed that narrative.

She complained about her DHs defensiveness, not that she was left with boisterous children.

I think he behaved as if he was living in a shared student house - and even then we had cards that we would turn to say 'in' or 'out'. Or like a stroppy teen who doesn't want to be accountable to anyone. It's weird and discourteous to be a couple with dependent children and not make sure you let each other know whether you are in or out. Of course emergencies are not rare - what else keeps the emergency vehicles so busy? Of course it's still a health and safety matter even if there are only a few of you, if some of them are kids; or even if you're a couple on your own actually. And we care about each other. I'd be worried if DH didn't respond and hadn't said he was going out - I'd be searching for him, wondering if he had had an accident, and vv.
The defensiveness over calling three times made me think he was lying, quite apart from the childishness of trying to claim that that justified anything when it was obvious that she had not heard.
Then giving her the silent treatment that lasted into the next day... and the fact that this is his usual reaction! And pp criticise her both for being cross and for not telling him why immediately, knowing he would blow it up and have a tantrum - what an infant.

If I were him I'd have said on the phone 'sorry love, I called out to you but you didn't hear, just needed some fresh air. Can I get you anything from shop? I'll be back in X minutes'
And if I were you I'd be fine with the fact he popped out and glad he rang me to ask if I needed anything. And I'd accept I didn't hear him saying he was going out.

@GreenFritillary Well said.

He did let you know. He called and asked if milk was needed.
really couldn’t get worked up about this,

I think what you were really annoyed about was that you were not only doing bedtime on your own, but you were also trying to get it done without fuss or noise so he could work.

Then instead of coming to help you, he left you to it, trying to help him when he didn't need help, but he didn't think of helping you when you could have done with help, and he probably knew that.

Good god! The drama!

You sound like very hard work.

YANBU. I don’t think you handled it very well (hence agree with mountain/molehill sentiment) however I think he was wrong/thoughtless not to tell you he was going out. I hate the ‘yelling upstairs’ thing. It would have been considerate for him to have popped upstairs to tell you. Moreover it would have been kind, knowing you were struggling with the kids, to ask if you needed help before he went out.

I reckon the phone call was probably his way of acknowledging this/letting you know he’d gone out. As probably realised after the fact it was bit off. I would have used this point to say you felt a bit shitty he hadn’t told you - then let that be end of it e.g no atmosphere when he returned

The point I think people are missing is that by ‘shouting up the stairs’ THREE times he knew he should (and wanted to) let you know he was going out but failed. It’s like he was blaming the OP for being too busy with kids to have time for him or annoyed with the noise they were making. If so that’s passive aggressive behaviour. The polite and reasonable thing to do would have been to have popped his head round the door and said I’m just nipping out for 10 mins. What’s so hard about that?

Why shouldn't he leave the house? Is he supposed to get a permission slip?

Yes, it would annoy me. You were stressed trying to get the children to bed and keep them quiet because he was working and he wasn't even in the house. The children must have been very loud if you didn't hear him shouting at you. He does seem very defensive did he try to tell you?

He shouted to let you know. He doesn't know you didn't hear. Mountain out of a molehill. I wouldn't even mention it, but say 'yes, milk, tin of baked beans and a bottle of wine', thanks'. That should nail it if you want to be so antsy about a trivial thing. Worse things happen at sea.

I can get why it annoyed you and as you asked would this annoy others, it wouldn’t annoy me due to our own routine..

DH would only come up if he was completely done and it wasn’t bedtime. Bedtime, he would call like your DH if going out. Our middle child often tries to delay bedtime by asking DH or myself many questions or request for xyz which can hype up the oldest with autism so we only tag team if the other asks for help.

You sound on a very short fuse OP, are you generally OK? Could be helpful to look at your own stress levels and see if you need to find ways to relax more. X

@Mamabobogo

well given the time of night & how much
nouse the kids were making it sounds like another parent could have helped the situation, yes.

'far calmer than that nonsense'. Rack off.

Yes, it does wind me up because it rude & dangerous.

This post by you is quite illiterate, not sure what’s dangerous about it.

Are you ok?

A parent putting their child together is not dangerous!

They’re children, not lions.

The thing that would upset me is that I was brought up to always say goodbye when I was leaving in case the worst happened and vice Versa for everyone else.
I suspect you are more upset about not knowing he was there etc and your annoyance is covering up that kind of hurt rather than him simply being rude.
Talk to him and tell him how it made you feel rather than just labelling him as rude. And then he’ll know for next time.

Your partner needs your permission to leave the house seriously how controlling are you

It’s really none of anyone’s business why her kids are going to bed at 9pm, bedtimes can differ depending upon the family

In her defence this can happen if you have a partner who won’t communicate and becomes defensive/aggressive when you open up