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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving the house, would this annoy you?

130 replies

helloballoon · 02/10/2024 07:37

My DP was working late last night, I was upstairs with the kids, they were being quite noisy and I was trying to calm them down so they were quiet as I knew he had to get something done and then was trying to get them to bed. Managed to do so then my DP calls me on my phone which I thought was strange so I answered, he had gone out the house 15 mins ago and was calling to see if we needed milk. I wasn’t even aware he had left the house. This really annoyed me, I think it was rude and it’s common courtesy to tell your partner if you are going out.

i wasn’t going to say anything when he h
got home but he kept asking me what was up and I told him I thought he was rude for leaving the house without telling me. Cue his defensiveness telling me he shouted me 3 times - obviously I didn’t hear him or acknowledge him as I would have done if I had actually heard him

I know it’s petty but would this annoy you? Also annoyed that he can’t accept this annoyed me and started arguing with me about it, wish I hadn’t said anything.

OP posts:
Mamabobogo · 02/10/2024 11:35

commonground · 02/10/2024 11:21

Ha, you guys are being so obtuse. Context is everything.

Leaving the house at 9pm while your partner is upstairs wrestling with the little kids and then randomly wondering whether you might need milk = odd. If your partner is at home with the kids and you did not have the courtesy to tell them you were leaving, then do the chores yourself. Unless you were in some way pissed off that your partner did not hear you (because, amazingly, some men are v much like that) and want to say 'look, I am here. I stropped off. Notice me!')

For some reason, his action has triggered the OP.

I am making an assumption that her DH is a bit of a sulker and someone who 'can't be told' (cf his response when she told him how that had made her feel. Not 'argh, I'm so sorry, I can see that was a bit odd'. But, 'huh, I called you three times. me me me.' (to paraphrase!)

Maybe there was something else going on. Maybe his work was frustrating and he needed someone to blame. I dunno. But yeah, I'm going for him having previous on this.

“Because amazingly some men are very much like that”

and some women are very easily “triggered”.

phoenixrosehere · 02/10/2024 11:39

Would you have been upset if he had called you from inside the house or outside but on the property?

Reads like he left for a break and with his sensitivity to noise and you not hearing him because of the noisiness, he left instead of coming up and telling you.

I would come up if it were me, but I’m not sensitive to noise. If I were and you didn’t hear me, I would walk outside and then call where it is quieter before going.

Original poster
helloballoon · 02/10/2024 13:32

GoingForALongWalk · 02/10/2024 11:08

my god, I didn’t want to make a big deal of it

Your actions suggest you do want to make a big deal of it though. You made your annoyance clear enough that your husband had to keep asking you what was wrong.

Then, when your husband (understandably) had had enough he got angry.

Then, it was a big enough deal that you came on here looking for validation. Unfortunately, you can't accept that 84% of us think you are unreasonable.

Unfortunately I’m not a robot and I cant just switch my feelings on and off.

You don't have to be a robot to relegate your feelings and behaviour. Non-toxic people do it all the time.

how in your opinion is the best way to deal with it?

Get some perspective on what is important and what is not. If it's not important let it go. If it is important talk about it honestly and openly. Don't use silence, sulking or refusal to discuss what is bothering you as a weapon.

Be honest with yourself and think about why your husband and 84% of people on here think you are unreasonable.

You, your husband and your children will be happier and more settled if you deal with conflict appropriately.

I was then trying to settle them for bed and the youngest wouldn’t settle until he returned at 9.30 asking where he was.

Why couldn't you just tell him Daddy's gone out for milk? Then he wouldn't have to keep asking. Did he sense your annoyance and feel unsettled by it?

Takes 2 seconds to walk up the stairs to tell me.

I obviously don't know why he didn't do that, but he did phone you shortly afterwards (15 minutes?). That doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

Show quote history

You don't have to be a robot to relegate your feelings and behaviour. Non-toxic people do it all the time.

You are suggesting that I am toxic because I was annoyed but didn't want to make an issue out of it so said nothing was wrong knowing I just needed a bit more time to 'regulate' my feelings like a 'non toxic person'. You must teach me how you are able to do it so instantly.

I have fully acknowledged it was a non issue. I was annoyed yes but capable of moving on had he of just left it.

You, your husband and your children will be happier and more settled if you deal with conflict appropriately

What is the appropriate way? You are telling me 'if it is important talk about it honestly and openly. Don't use silence, sulking or refusal to discuss what is bothering you as a weapon.discuss it with him' In this instance I decide its not important but having not been able to 'regulate' my feelings as quickly as you able to it must have been apparent to him. When I do tell him that he could have told me he was going out he kicks off then wouldn't speak to me all night, didn't speak to me this morning and left for work without saying goodbye. All of which I was trying to avoid by saying nothing was wrong knowing if we just put the telly on and left it that would have been the end of it.

Why couldn't you just tell him Daddy's gone out for milk? Then he wouldn't have to keep asking. Did he sense your annoyance and feel unsettled by it?

Do you think I didn't say that? She just wanted a goodnight kiss off her dad which she gets off both of us every night, I told her he would be back soon and that I'll tell him to come straight up which I did as soon as he got back in and he then went straight up, no issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
helloballoon · 02/10/2024 13:50

Also FWIW, my AIBU was more about him leaving the house without telling me. I have accepted this seems to be normal for a lot of people.

OP posts:
Blinkii · 02/10/2024 13:53

It's not normal for a lot of people. Partners communicate. But most people understand that if they were shouted 3 times and couldn't hear over the racket they'd just say oh ok I never heard you and move on. Not cause a fuss and post it on the Internet.

WiserOlderElf · 02/10/2024 14:11

helloballoon · 02/10/2024 13:50

Also FWIW, my AIBU was more about him leaving the house without telling me. I have accepted this seems to be normal for a lot of people.

I didn’t say it was normal for us, just that it wouldn’t be a big deal to me.

KarmenPQZ · 02/10/2024 15:09

WiserOlderElf · 02/10/2024 11:07

What if there was an emergency and a child hit their head and you were shouting for his help. Or a fire

Do you live your whole life planning around events that have an absolutely minuscule chance of happening?

Not just me. Schools do a register for this right. Also my work mandate that I sign in and out of the office and it’s not about my hours but it’s to keep track of who’s in the building. It’s fairly basic health and safety.

TypingoftheDead · 02/10/2024 17:46

If he really wanted to make sure you’d heard him, he should have come up and told you he was going. Yes, it would have annoyed me.

Mamabobogo · 02/10/2024 17:57

KarmenPQZ · 02/10/2024 15:09

Not just me. Schools do a register for this right. Also my work mandate that I sign in and out of the office and it’s not about my hours but it’s to keep track of who’s in the building. It’s fairly basic health and safety.

Edited
Show quote history

Of course 300 children in a school and 50 people in the office are on par with a normal family home 🤣

Successfulserialentrepreneur · 02/10/2024 20:52

Am I the only one who finds it hard to believe that he supposedly called out your name multiple times to say goodbye, yet you didn’t hear a single word—so much so that you didn’t even realize he had left? It seems a bit too convenient for his side of the argument, doesn’t it? If he was really trying that hard to get your attention, wouldn’t he have made sure you actually heard him? Why would he be okay with being "ignored" when he was supposedly putting in all this effort to say goodbye? Something feels off. Honestly, he should have just admitted his mistake and apologized, promising to do better. If his actions made you feel uncomfortable or hurt, then it’s his responsibility to acknowledge that and take steps to make sure you feel secure, especially by letting you know when he leaves the house.

Personally, I can’t imagine how frustrated I’d be if my partner just left without saying goodbye to my face—making sure I heard him—and more importantly, without giving me my goodbye kiss. My partner always kisses me goodbye, lets me know when he’s leaving, where he’s going, and when to expect him back. I do the same for him, and it’s made our relationship stronger. It builds trust, ensures open communication, and shows that we care about each other’s feelings. These small gestures—like always kissing me goodbye and keeping me informed—make me feel secure and appreciated, and I do it for him because I know it strengthens our bond. It's the love and respect we have for each other that drives us to make sure the other always feels valued.

So no in my opinion you weren't being too much, and your attitude was a direct result of his lack of communication. I would do the same thing, except I would also give him a taste of his own medicine lol see how he likes it!.

whatsappdoc · 02/10/2024 21:21

So you were struggling keeping the dc quiet so he could get some work done and he just decided to leave the house instead. Why didn't he come up and help with the dc? His 'work' had obviously finished. I'd be mad as well.

MonsteraMama · 02/10/2024 21:41

I cannot imagine being annoyed by my adult partner leaving the house without telling me. Perhaps a fleeting "oh that's mildly annoying" then on with my day. In fact my husband literally did this the other day, I didn't hear him say he was popping out because I had headphones in. I spent ten minutes looking for him thinking he was hiding before I realised he was out 🤷‍♀️ to each their own though, if you were annoyed that's fine, everyone's expectations in a relationship are different.

The real BU bit though is you sulking and acting like a baby waiting for him to ask what was wrong instead of just airing it out straight away. If you're pissed off just say so. I can't stomach petty, childish, passive aggressive bullshit like that. So I don't think you were BU to be annoyed, your feelings are your own and valid and you're allowed to have them, but you are being U for communicating about your annoyance on a similar level to my 16 year old daughter.

Mamabobogo · 02/10/2024 21:42

Successfulserialentrepreneur · 02/10/2024 20:52

Am I the only one who finds it hard to believe that he supposedly called out your name multiple times to say goodbye, yet you didn’t hear a single word—so much so that you didn’t even realize he had left? It seems a bit too convenient for his side of the argument, doesn’t it? If he was really trying that hard to get your attention, wouldn’t he have made sure you actually heard him? Why would he be okay with being "ignored" when he was supposedly putting in all this effort to say goodbye? Something feels off. Honestly, he should have just admitted his mistake and apologized, promising to do better. If his actions made you feel uncomfortable or hurt, then it’s his responsibility to acknowledge that and take steps to make sure you feel secure, especially by letting you know when he leaves the house.

Personally, I can’t imagine how frustrated I’d be if my partner just left without saying goodbye to my face—making sure I heard him—and more importantly, without giving me my goodbye kiss. My partner always kisses me goodbye, lets me know when he’s leaving, where he’s going, and when to expect him back. I do the same for him, and it’s made our relationship stronger. It builds trust, ensures open communication, and shows that we care about each other’s feelings. These small gestures—like always kissing me goodbye and keeping me informed—make me feel secure and appreciated, and I do it for him because I know it strengthens our bond. It's the love and respect we have for each other that drives us to make sure the other always feels valued.

So no in my opinion you weren't being too much, and your attitude was a direct result of his lack of communication. I would do the same thing, except I would also give him a taste of his own medicine lol see how he likes it!.

You cannot be serious??

He was down Tesco express, so no kisses and telling her what time he’d be back were really required.

WiserOlderElf · 02/10/2024 21:45

OP if your DH is working/on a work phone call for example, what do you do if you need/want to leave the house? Would you disturb him to tell him you’re popping out? Not go out until he’s finished and you can go and tell him? I’ve just realised that when DH is working upstairs in the study I never tell him when I go out, because he’s working and I wouldn’t disturb him.

AhBiscuits · 02/10/2024 21:51

This is what I struggle with in relationships, the loss of independence. Suddenly if you want to go to the shop you need permission first.

WiserOlderElf · 02/10/2024 21:53

AhBiscuits · 02/10/2024 21:51

This is what I struggle with in relationships, the loss of independence. Suddenly if you want to go to the shop you need permission first.

Married for 15 years and never needed permission to go to the shop.

commonground · 03/10/2024 08:33

It's courtesy if there are children who need looking after to check that all is ok. Especially if the person looking after those kids is doing so because the other is meant to be working. In which case here, apparently not.

Why not say, 'hey I've finished my work, I'll take over bedtime if you like, and you have a break/go to the shops'. Not 'oh I'll nip to the shops and then, oh, I'll also ask the person at home upstairs with the kids doing the job of putting to bed to go downstairs and check we need milk for the extra random chore that I decided to do. Because I now I need help toooo. wah'.

I mean, presumably he was nearest the fridge as he went out?

It suggests he kind of huffed out. If he can be bothered/plan to go out to the extent he can yell three times up the stairs, he surely must have had an idea of why he was going out. If he knew she was upstairs with the kids to the extent she couldn't hear him, (suggesting that things might be awry and perhaps a little help would have been appreciated), why does he think she would be able to come down to check the contents of the fridge?

Take care of things yourself. Have her back. Either help with the kids or do the shopping independently.

KnittyNell · 03/10/2024 09:06

It sounds very controlling to me.

Skyrainlight · 03/10/2024 09:31

commonground · 02/10/2024 10:26

It would have annoyed me that he needed to call and ask if 'we' needed milk. Because he is part of that 'we'.

If he was going to the shop, I would have hoped he had checked to see what was needed first and not have to rely on me to tell him - when that chore was his choice, not mine.

And if his intention was not to go the shop but he had ended up there, I would have expected him to make that decision re milk on his own.

Sounds like he was cross/sulking that you didn't hear him call (3 times!) and wanted to let you know (look we might need milk! Let me phone you and tell you so you know I went out without you noticing! Boo hoo.)

Edited

Wow, living in your house must be like walking on egg shells.

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 03/10/2024 09:35

Mamabobogo · 02/10/2024 07:40

Mountain out of mole hill.

fleeting irritation maybe, but to be so miffed you show it… no.

he tried three times, enough done.

@Mamabobogo

tried 3 times. So what?

he could have used his legs & gone upstairs, (god forbid, he could have helped put the kids to bed) he could have called on the phone...

@helloballoon yes it's rude & inconsiderate.

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 03/10/2024 09:40

helloballoon · 02/10/2024 07:50

To be honest I know it’s petty, it just annoyed me and I did think to myself it’s not worth it so don’t say anything but he kept asking me what was wrong (I wasn’t being nasty, I was probably just off) I kept saying nothing but then eventually said.

i also think why can’t he just say sorry I thought you heard me instead of getting defensive and arguing about it. I’m shouting at the kids telling them to quiet because he was working and he wasn’t even in!

Edited

@helloballoon

yep, you're the one putting the kids to bed, trying to keep them quiet so they don't disturb him & he's just fucked off out the house...

it's inconsiderate. Next time just don't bother trying to keep them quiet & piss iff out when you fancy, just assume he'll look after the kids.

if you both just piss off out assume the kids will look after themselves.

Gogogo12345 · 03/10/2024 09:42

Very petty indeed. No big deal

Gogogo12345 · 03/10/2024 09:50

helloballoon · 02/10/2024 09:22

The kids room is above his office and they were playing a game, you can hear them quite loudly through the floor even though they aren’t being particularly loud. I knew he was concentrating on getting something done so I was just trying to keep them from making too much noise

How old are they they they still need putting to bed but also are playing noisy games at 9pm. ?

Mamabobogo · 03/10/2024 10:42

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 03/10/2024 09:35

@Mamabobogo

tried 3 times. So what?

he could have used his legs & gone upstairs, (god forbid, he could have helped put the kids to bed) he could have called on the phone...

@helloballoon yes it's rude & inconsiderate.

Show quote history

If that winds you up and makes you angry like OP, fine.

Not me, far calmer than that nonsense!

OP was putting the kids to bed, does it really take two?

WiserOlderElf · 03/10/2024 13:32

I’m just glad I don’t spend as much time as some being wound up and annoyed at minor things. It would be a stressful way to live, I think.