Child free people-Why do *Some people who are parents get annoyed at them?

[Theycantallbecomspiracytheories]

I notice it quite a lot and recently saw it in a video Seth Rogen (?) forgot his name did where he talked about him and his wife/partner being happy to never have kids. So many in the comments were pissed off with him.
I have a young Dd after years of trying, but also as much as I love kids, I was always quite unsure about having kids as Dh and I had a fantastic life living abroad-lots of travel, time to relax, no real responsibilities-yes a job and mortgage but 🤷🏻‍♀️ money to ourselves, much less stressful & tiring, it was amazing! I can see why people want to keep it like that. I adore my Dd and life is great now, in a different way, but I can totally see how some would choose a child free life. Why do some parents get annoyed with these people and seem to sort of take it personally that they don’t want the same life?

Of course it is. Most people have children because they WANT them. There's nothing wrong with that, but let's not pretend ppl have children on the whole because of a reason beyond their own wants.

Selfish ppl are selfish whether they have children or not. If ppl are selfish, they generally extend that selfishness to their children. Likewise, ppl without children can be selfish or not.

If you are a selfish person, you don't suddenly become less selfish because you had a child. Yes you may put someone else first, but let's face it, it's a mini version of yourself you're putting first, who you chose to bring into the world so you have a vested self interest in that person.
Doesn't mean you're suddenly going to start helping out strangers, donating all your spare time to help the local dogs home or whatever.

I had this urge but didn’t want to have children with men that didn’t really want them. I feel to bring a child into the world to too important for them to disadvantaged by a defective Dad. Most of my friends had children to secure their position in a relationship & stayed with partners even though they repeatedly cheated. Only now later into my 50’s am I glad I didn’t have children as got diagnosed an autoimmune disease that can effect the newborn & luckily was able to retire early, as most with children still paying for uni or a divorce settlement, this is the only time I have felt smug after years of been made to feel ‘childless’ To be honest the nicest women I know didn’t have children they all would have made lovely moms, & the least maternal woman had 4 children because that is what SHE wanted.

I think you're splitting hairs here.

I don’t think she is.

There is a vast difference between not having children in your 20s, when children for most are still a future possibility even if you don’t currently want them, to not having them in your 40s, when it is getting / has become too late even if you didn’t want them. Losing your friends as they only realistically have time to do family stuff most of the time (which is completely understandable), and not being able to find new friends as most people you know are going through a life stage that you are not.

From overhearing what a lot of people 60+ talk about it seems to get even worse when the grandchildren start coming along - something else that people without children won’t be able to join in with.

Because they see it as a criticism of their own choice to have children. They don't like to think that there are people out there who look down on their choice and lifestyle. It's a very self-absorbed narcissistic thought process. I really doubt childfree people give a toss about it. They're just living their lives.

There have always been some quite nasty parts of the internet that labelled themselves the childfree community. There was a usenet group for years full of talk of 'breeders' and 'crotchfruit'. It could be vicious about mothers ('moo' was a popular term). Fathers were criticised, but mothers were talked about as if they were nothing more than animals. I think you're right that it can be an echo chamber effect, but with a lot of misogyny as well.

I completely understand people preferring 'childfree' to 'childless', but ever since then that term always reminds me of that group and all the sneering and the insults, even though I don't think the group was at all representative of 99% of childfree people.

It's a tough one.

I can see how the term came about. But I feel there should be an alternative that is kinder to children. They are here because the parents decided to have them after all. I also feel the historical context in the German language can't easily be shaken off.

Words matter. They both reflect and form attitudes. They can erode values. Words are used to turn entire groups of people into "others". We should be careful about the words we choose and consider individual responsibility instead of being swept along unthinkingly.

"Non-parent" would perhaps work? It refers to parenthood status and doesn't imply anything undesirable about children.

The problem with both "childfree" and "non-parent", however, is that both terms define people based on their status relating to parenthood.

Would "adult" or "adult human" be too nebulous?

Is there a teeny tiny part of people who are not parents, by choice, that wants to be provocative or to rile up parents or to imply a judgement on them for breeding, out of vanity or because of some other perceived flaw? Why the need to use a term that comes with a good deal of baggage?

I am aware of a very strident community online (referred to by a PP) that is actually very anti-parents, and sadly and worryingly anti-children - yes, I agree there are shades of the incel movement there in both content and tone.

Again, it's important not to sleepwalk into terminology that has negativity at its heart.

Honestly, I mostly see the opposite. I have kids, but I can 100% understand people who choose to be child-free. But so many times on here and social media I see child-free people complaining about people who do have children. I mean 🤷‍♀️

@FinallyHere
re: "continuation of the species":

It seems this belief is very deep-rooted in many people, which probably contributes to the questions, but the world currently stands at more than 8 billion inhabitants; there is no risk of humans dying out any time soon.

The reasons why some countries lament their shrinking /ageing population are entirely on a national level.
Probably the "continuation"-thought is much more closely connected to individual families.

On a larger scale it is rather the opposite, due to both limited and unfairly distributed resources, many people struggle to survive.
In 1960, the world population was "only" 3 billion.

Its the vitriol you see sometimes that is puzzling. Is it simple that people are not nice generally? Some men I think can be angry at women that don't want children because they don't think women should have any freedom or purpose separate to men. Women I'm not so sure about - did they just blindly follow the path to becoming parents and are angry they didn't stop to think what they actually wanted?

I'm not sure about this idea that childfree people can't join in when children or grandchildren come up in conversation. Just look at MN, where vast numbers of the conversations going on at any one time are not about children at all - that's not all being sustained only by the people who aren't parents! I think if you're not a parent (and don't have trauma related to that) it could be a mistake to self-exclude too much from groups where most people are. If you can grit your teeth while the friends who are very new parents get past the initial stage of "omg this is new and terrifying, anyone else with a baby is my new best friend because I have to have someone to debrief this scary new experience with", then you will eventually hit a point where conversations get more normal and varied again.

I knew I wanted kids - not in a broody, clucking over every baby way, but just at some point. I assume others know they don't want kids. I assume others may have wanted them, but weren't able to or circumstances weren't right. Others will be unsure. I also remember the 'tick tock' type comments from some people, unaware of my miscarriages (I've since had kids).

Some people will always comment - too young, too old, live your life first, you'll regret it if you do/don't, are you going to give him/her a sibling, let your body heal between pregnancies/don't leave it too long between pregnancies. It's such a personal decision and one that's with you for life.

Until I went on twitter and saw all the vitriol aimed at Taylor Swift just because she's gasp 34 and hasn't had kids yet, I didn't realise how many men are against childfree women. Seems to be American religious men mainly though who hate seeing the values of marriage and kids being shunned and think women will end up unhappy being cat ladies (yeah am sure they're so concerned about us lol) twitter is like going back to the 1950s sometimes.

I feel like a lot of parents don't like seeing the childfree having a good time sans kids, they see it as some sort of affront to their own lifestyle. The childfree and antinatalist movement is definitely growing though, that probably worries a lot of parents because they're invested in being grandparents and their kids being childfree is not in the script.

"Non-parent" would perhaps work? It refers to parenthood status and doesn't imply anything undesirable about children.

Another issue with this is that there are plenty of people out there who do have children but don't parent them (mostly men). It's more of a role than a status. "Childfree" is more accurate, but not completely because some people think it covers those whose children are no longer at home or away temporarily (childfree evening). It is simply the easiest way of saying "I don't have children because I don't want them." It doesn't tell you anything about their feelings or attitude towards children or about them.

This 1000%.

Whatever you do someone, or on the internet, many someones, will be moaning about what you did wrong and why it's an issue or selfish or just shows you're jealous of others or projecting your feelings other people.

It's a global pastime to have a go at other people for anything at all that that they choose!

Haven’t seen the video, but I can understand why people might be pissed off. Who’s going to like a video where the message is, “Wow, I’m so thankful that I’m not like you”?

I don’t care if people want kids or not, but I think it’s weird to focus so much on what you’ve chosen to keep out of your life instead of what you’ve chosen to bring into your life. For example, I am not a dog person. Never had one, never wanted one, just not for me. But the fact that millions of people love dogs doesn’t mean I have to use their love to define myself in the negative towards it. I just let them be happy with their dogs and go about my business being happy with other things. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe this isn't what you mean, but it does sound like you generally see parents as just some kind of shallow robots programmed only for envy and procreation and incapable of any kind of higher thought - not real, complex human beings each with a wide range of thoughts and ideas of their own.

Honestly I’ve never heard anyone criticising child free people, definitely never criticised them myself (I sometimes wish I was one).

I guess if people do they just don’t have much self awareness or insight into their own behaviour. I don’t think theres anything wrong with not having kids because you want to have complete freedom and more money, how is that a bad thing? I don’t think it’s selfish at all. Or you just never felt like it, or blah blah blah reason. It’s better to not have them if you don’t want them.

Oh not this again. The falling birth rate is a huge problem globally.Have children, don't have children but don't start with the old overpopulation chesnut. As a society we need children, to be the workers of the future and pay our pensions through their taxes.

A lot of internet comments are fake to drum up engagement. Parents in general are too busy to start bun fights on social media

I mean the same could be said for how some parents view the childfree and that we're just intent on spending our life with shallow pursuits and missing out on the so called true meaning of life.

I would bet that the comments are politically motivated. It seems that every single issue is getting divided along political lines in America, even having children. The left wing approach is supportive of being child free or having fewer children, with personal responsibility and overpopulation/environmental concerns being higher, whereas the right wing approach is to have more children, with a more religious lean and the idea being that the falling birth rate is terrible.

Seth Rogen is openly left wing so some commenters will take his decision to be child free as part of that overall philosophy.

@Neurodiversitydoctor that sounds like a human Ponzi scheme. Governments and capiltalism adore high birth rates. Lots of workers to make them grow rich and lots of lovely tax payers. We only need more humans if we want to continue consuming more and more. Less humans forces a reduction.

It cant be the answer to keep chucking more and more humans in to the mix.

Haha, we're just jealous:)

I only really use ‘childfree’ online.

IRL, if someone asked if I had kids I’d cheerfully say no. If they probed I’d say I was never really interested.

If they expressed any kind of sympathy or disapproval I’d probably laugh and start talking about my cat.

‘Childless’ implies a lack of something, suggests that I feel I’m missing out, when it’s the exact opposite. ‘Childfree’ is a positive.

When I was fostering cats I’d call myself ‘catless’ between furry guests, though, because that was a lack I felt.