Child free people-Why do *Some people who are parents get annoyed at them?

[Theycantallbecomspiracytheories]

I notice it quite a lot and recently saw it in a video Seth Rogen (?) forgot his name did where he talked about him and his wife/partner being happy to never have kids. So many in the comments were pissed off with him.
I have a young Dd after years of trying, but also as much as I love kids, I was always quite unsure about having kids as Dh and I had a fantastic life living abroad-lots of travel, time to relax, no real responsibilities-yes a job and mortgage but 🤷🏻‍♀️ money to ourselves, much less stressful & tiring, it was amazing! I can see why people want to keep it like that. I adore my Dd and life is great now, in a different way, but I can totally see how some would choose a child free life. Why do some parents get annoyed with these people and seem to sort of take it personally that they don’t want the same life?

I genuinely couldn't care less if someone has children or not.

What annoys me is the rise in anti-children posts I'm seeing on social media. Theres loads of vitriol aimed at children and parents.
Whenever someone talks about not having children, they immediately talk shit about kids and how awful they are. Why not just say "it's not for me" and leave it at that.

Don't put down my life choices to make you feel better about yours. You're happy without children, I'm happy with them. It's not a competition.

Hmmm, I cant really say I have noticed any particular animosity towards people without kids.

I have kids, I am very happy I do have them and I would make the exact same choice to have them if I had my life over, a thousand times. I have friends who dont have them. I always thought my friends who didnt want children were very wise not to have them. Why on earth should I criticise someone for not having something they dont actually want- isnt that really stupid? Surely, its better you dont have children if you dont actually want them, for both your sake and theirs.

@mathanxiety I think you're reading a bit too much into it there.
Generally the term 'child free' is used when people describe an active choice not to have children, as 'childless' tends to be used by people who wanted children or suggests the feeling of something missing. Its about being sensitive to those who aren't given a choice, not because they have some revulsion towards children!

Being childfree can often mean having a lot of involvement with other children in the family (much easier to be the fun aunt/uncle when you've got more free time and no childcare worries)

@mathanxiety What would you call people who choose not to have children then? If not child-free. Like a pp, I can't really see anything wrong with the expression personally.

The only child free women I know, admit that they did not meet someone at the right time or had fertility issues, so did not reproduce.

Most parents aren’t jealous of them, they wouldn’t be without their dc.

It is perfectly possible to recognise that what for one person is wonderful and everything they ever wanted, for another one is horrifying and something they wouldn't touch with a bargepole, without either of them feeling insulted.

Many of the reasons people want children are exactly the reasons I don't want them. I don't go around telling people with children how terrifying the idea of having a person completely dependent on me is, and how happy I am I never chose to have them for that reason, because there is no need. I only mention it in conversations like this one, where there is a debate and both sides are explained as part of the conversation. Within a debate, this is what you do, right? A mother can say here that she would feel lonely, and unfulfilled without children, and that she would find that life sad and hopeless. I wouldn't feel angry or offended if she did, that's her truth and how she would feel. She is not saying that MY life is sad and unfulfilled, and lacking purpose. She is saying HERS would be if she had my life. Mine would be utter hell if I had hers. Having kids would be an utter nightmare to me. But that does not make HER life a nightmare. It really is not that hard to understand. Or maybe it is, seeing some of the comments here. It goes back to what i explained on my first post here, the inability of some people to have a theory of mind where others can have different wishes and desires. And recognising that other's wishes and desires do not change their own in any way.

My sister has children, she always wanted them and she loves being a mum. I think it's wonderful, and I would have really hurt for her if she had not been able to have them, because I love her and I want her to be happy. At the same time, when I'm with her and her children are being stroppy, or when they get sick, or when they chase her all around the house screaming "mummy mummy!" I silently congratulate myself that I am not living that life. That life that SHE LOVES. Because I am different, and I would hate that life. I don't hate her, I love her kids. I just don't want her life. Hell, i WORK with mums and babies. I love babies. I love interacting with them, helping mums transition into motherhood. I love cuddling newborn babies... and then give them back, and come back to my quiet, lovely house.

There is no contradiction. Neither my sister nor I feel angry with one another because we feel attacked by the fact the other person chose a radically different life. Neither of us are jealous of the other. We accept that each one of us would hate having the life of the other. We both have the brain capacity to understand this implicitly. I wish everyone had it too.

I didn't think people would have the nerve to question that sort of thing. Is this happening to you a lot OP? Maybe your family or friends are particularly rude!! I would never ever ask someone outright.

I have kids and I admit I am mostly jealous of child free people. By that i mean by choice. Not in a way that I'd swap my life for theirs. But I had a very strong urge from a young age to become a mother, I couldn't have been happy otherwise. My friend and sister never felt this urge. I'm jealous because while we both got what we wanted, they got the easier path. I'm 17 years into parenting and still fantasising about getting a break that never comes. The stress and responsibility is 24/7. They have good incomes great social lives hobbies etc, they can have weekends off. My sisters Christmas holidays particularly annoy me as she sits around watching movies and eating and seems to think thats what i do too. I look about 20 years older and I know they never look at my life and think wow she's lucky. Although I am lucky and I adore my kids. It's a conflict of emotions. I'm spending next weekend with a child free friend and I know I will feel little stabs of (irrational) jealousy.

Well said @aurynne 👏

You can also be a parent and be utterly selfish.

Having children is ultimately a selfish decision, or at least one made in your own interests - you have children because you want them, not for the benefit of society or the children themselves.

I do think - on both sides (child free AND people with children;) that scathing and judgy comments come from people who are - deep down - unhappy with their choices in life. They may well not even realise it, but to be scathing and rude and judgemental over someone else's life choices really does suggest to me that someone is not happy. If you're happy with your life (and your choices in your life,) then why berate others for their life choices?

I come from a similar perspective as you. Child-free until age 44. I really enjoyed life before having a baby. Now, I love having DS, and I love being his mum, but not being classed as a “mum” as such. We’re all pigeonholed, whether it’s being single, a parent, elderly, whatever… We’re all just people, I think!

I disagree. Scathing, judgy comments, in my opinion, come from people who are simply not very nice. They're not a good person. They may be happy with their life, but they enjoy looking down on others, and secretly feel good when others are miserable. And enjoy causing hurt with their words and judgement.

It ius not limited to having/not having children. You find this type of people behaving like this in all areas of life.

I've never really understood the venom that is directed at child-free people,particularly women. I am not child -free myself,but my best friend is,and she has had some downright nasty comments aimed at her over the years. Being selfish is probably the most common one. Personally,I fail to see how not having children is selfish.

In general saying how you feel - I’d hate to have kids of my own, I wouldn’t enjoy being responsible for them, I like having peace and quiet etc I agree isn’t some sort of insult anymore than I can’t imagine not having my kids, I would feel lonely and empty without their hugs or I love embracing the chaos and hearing all their crazy stories. I see a lot of that sort of comment being taken badly but do also see some really horrible comments about children &/or women having or not having kids. I suspect it’s those types of comment that draw a lot of criticism much of the time. In my mind saying I’d hate to have kids is fair enough but saying I hate kids (which people do) is pretty obnoxious and not unreasonable to criticise.

Hating kids is a completely different thing from not wanting to have them.

There are parents who hate kids, and non-parents who love kids.

But if a person really hates kids... then you'll have to agree it's better they don't have any!

I assume it's jealousy or an assumption that people without children have nothing much going on in their lives or are selfish.

I definitely notice that my bosses with children give me more scrutiny when leaving on time or a few mins early than they do with parents. There is certainly an assumption that I'm free to stick around later.

Bring a parent of small children is tough . The hardest part for me was the loss of independence and freedom . I knew it would get easier once they could do things for themselves such as toileting and dressing , plus we wouldn't have to lug equipment around with us everywhere. I just went with the flow .

I never resented anyone for being child free . Some people are just not cut out to be parents and good for them for acknowledging it.

Ironically I have found that the people you would think are not cut out for parenting make fantastic parents and people you would think would be naturals are the resentful parents .

I also think that as parenting is really hard, some parents, in order to feel that it worth it, need to convince themselves that no matter how hard it is it’s better than not having children. So it’s hard for them to see haopy childfree people.

Well, parents could just say childfree life is not for them, rather than saying “there’s only so many holidays/meals out/freedom/extra money you can have before it all starts seeming a bit empty and pointless”.

I don’t see any animosity towards child-free people. I agree that having children is the biggest responsibility you can take on. If you don’t think you want to do it, then don’t do it. Having a child then resenting them is harmful for the child. Choosing not to have them - well the worst is that you might have enjoyed it and you’ll never know. But nobody will be harmed.

But one of the factors that is always overlooked is that parents have experienced both worlds - life with and without children. Whereas people without children have not.

I had my first child at 38. I know what life was like before I had them. I would make the same decision again without hesitation. People can tell themselves I’m jealous but it’s simply not true.

But one of the factors that is always overlooked is that parents have experienced both worlds - life with and without children. Whereas people without children have not.

You haven't experienced life without children. You’ve experienced life before children. There is a huge difference.

“Having children is ultimately a selfish decision”
Not for most, it isn’t.

If you ask a parent why they had kids... do they start the answer with "For the good of society".... or do they start with "I/we wanted...."?

I say child free because childless implies I'm somehow less as I don't have them
And to be honest it's enough of a battle when you are made to feel that way

New social group. Everyone talking about their children. I say I don't have any when asked. Conversation carries on all about their children without me. Even at sports, gym, hobbies, it's every single conversation about children and I'm like the odd one out standing there like a lemon

Even if I say something about work for example
"Oh yes, X was off this week weren't you as your little one was sick? How is she? Did you go to the doctors...."

I’ve got to say from the other side I’m what people what consider child free, decided not to have children and am ok with the decision although 90% of that decision was due to a condition I carry that gets worse with each generation. I used to love the childfree community about 7-8 years ago but I find it awful now, all the disgusting names for parents, I find it nearly as bad as the incel stuff. I suppose maybe it’s just echo chambers that are the problem. The mumsnet corner of it isnt bad.

Most people are okay with me although I think some people find it hard to know where to put you/reject you if you get me which can sometimes be hurtful in work/making friends.