To think we will never be friends again?

[Silvercat12]

Going to keep this short and to the point. My best friend and I were both pregnant at the same time. She was a few weeks ahead of me.
She had a miscarriage the day before her 12 week scan. I comforted her the best that I could.
I had my 12 week scan. She wished me luck and thankfully it went well. She asked me how it went over text and I texted her back that it was fine. She said she was glad and I asked her if she wanted any support. She asked if I could keep the ultrasound picture hidden from her and I agreed, and she also said she wanted to change the subject. We talked about our upcoming (separate) holidays, jobs, etc and then she stopped replying.
I tried reaching out on multiple occasions (once a week then once a fortnight as I didn’t want to be overbearing) and she eventually texted me to say that I’m too difficult to be around and that her silence is nothing personal. I said I understood. She pulled out of every social event we were both going to attend as she said my bump is painful to be around.
My baby decided to come early, and came on the exact date her baby was supposed to have been born. I broke the news via text as gently as I could as she always requested to be told via text without any photos. She said congratulations and has since unfollowed me on social media. She hasn’t talked to me since. It’s been 4 months now and she still hasn’t met my baby.
I understand her hurt. Is this it for our friendship now? Other friends have reached out and have said she’s struggling with my baby specifically as he makes her imagine what her baby would have been like.
I miss her, we’ve been friends since primary school. What can I do? I’m giving her space as requested but I miss her

Actually I think she's being incredibly cruel. I speak as somebody who has had several miscarriages. I wouldn't dream of treating somebody like that, it's not their fault that my body failed me. I am probably being unhelpful here but if my best friend ignored me and my baby like that, I'd be reconsidering the friendship myself. Congratulations on your baby

Sorry OP, it’s not your fault but I would assume that the friendship is over. Your child will always be a constant reminder of the one she is missing.

Perhaps in years to come, when she has children of her own, she might get back in touch, but for now I think you need to leave her to grieve.

As someone who didn't have kids despite ivf etc. I have to say probably for the time being yes. The pain of miscarriage of a much wanted baby is huge. The fact that someone really close has what you want is soooo painful. She has been nice and has been honest in her feelings. She needs for her own well being to distance herself from you. You need to accept that. Hopefully, in time, she has a child or accepts that position she is in. I would message her one last time and say you are always there for her that you value your friendship but understand that she needs space

That's really sad and I'm sorry you've lost your friend. I agree with a PP, send her a text explaining you understand she's hurting but would really still like to have a friendship x

I think it might stall for a while. Does she have children? It’s also not unusual for friendships to stall when one has a baby and one doesn’t for any reason.

I would just give it time, it’s a very unfortunate set of events and she must be heartbroken.

I think it’s probably temporary. Give her time.

I think she's being very cruel, I was in the same situation but with a work friend and she had been trying for a baby for years and was a few weeks ahead of me and miscarried. She was of course very upset but was very good at not letting my pregnancy be negative- though the first few months after was awkward. I was always careful- and when I came into work after gender scan, she asked about it though I was dreading seeing her - as i felt terrible for her.

Though we don't work together now, we are still friends 14 years later.

I'm sorry your friend hasn't managed to support you more.

It's a unfortunate situation and it's nobody's fault.

Unfollowing you on social media is most likely her way of coping. She's not able to see pictures of your child right now.

I wouldn't write off the friendship as things change over time. I wouldn't keep following up now as it's clear she needs space.

I can't have children. When I first found out it was difficult but luckily it didn't damage any friendships or cause other issues but I can understand that she's gone into self protection mode and may need some time.

The whole situation is cruel and unfair to both of you. It must be really hard to be missing your best friend when you could do with support, but also, it must be really difficult to have a visual reminder of what she could have had.

I would give her more time

As someone who had infertility for 7 years and miscarriages I completely agree. You've been very sensitive and considerate and she's been a terrible friend.

She can be sad for herself while offering support and well wishes for you.

Sorry but I think your friendship is likely over. Focus on your baby joy. Don't feel like you have to hide him or her or feel like you've done something wrong

Perhaps leave the door open, but be aware it may take a long time. and may not happen at all. Fingers crossed though. I do think she should make an effort, but she obviously cant right now.

I also think she is being a little unfair. I have been in a similar situation but actually in her situation. My friend and work colleague both got pregnant at the same time. We worked in the same department and had desks next to one another. We shared our pregnancies and compared how we were feeling as we were at the exact same stage of pregnancy with both our babies being due in the same week. Unfortunately when I was 28 weeks pregnant I collapsed at home and was blue lighted to hospital. I had a serious pregnancy related illness called HELLP syndrome and was in ICU. I almost died and my son was delivered early at 29 weeks and died in my arms an hour after birth. She obviously went on to have a healthy full term baby girl. I was off work for 3 months as I recovered from the illness and was given the all clear to go back to work. Going back to work with her was incredibly difficult and I really felt for her because she almost had guilt that her baby was born healthily and was thriving while mine had died. It was difficult because i felt like people didn't want to ask her about her baby in front of me for fear of upsetting me. In the end at a weekly team meeting I asked everyone to please act normally around me. That although I had lost my baby, I didn't want my colleague not to be excited about hers and I encouraged her to bring her baby in to work to show everyone which she hadn't yet done.

I'm not saying it wasn't difficult seeing her and hearing her talk about her baby, knowing mine should have been going through the same stages but I felt it was unfair on her not to able to do so. We stayed friends for a long time.

She is deep in grief and probably a little jealousy. Just leave the door open but it is really up to her to reconnect if she wants. Turn the tables and think how you might feel.

I think she's being unfair. When I was pregnant with my second my sister had a miscarriage (her first) and my friend had a still born baby at 39 weeks (her second child). Neither made me feel guilty (though I did myself). Both were happy for me (though I'm sure it was v difficult & both were hurting). It is a horrible situation for her but at the same time she's not being a supportive friend.

I'm not sure how we got to a situation where some people think it's acceptable to behave like your 'friend' is. I've suffered great losses. Most of us have in some way but good people don't think they have the right to be an arse because they are suffering. How will you feel if she gets pregnant and then wants the friendship to restart. Not only that wants a big fuss made of her and her child. Resentful at best I imagine. You're not in the wrong OP. Enjoy your child and forget the 'friend'.

Time to let her go OP as sad as it is, you're both on different journeys now. I think her behaviour is far from ideal and I can't see how you would both find common ground again.

I've had ten miscarriages & 3 stillborns and I would never behave like that she's being cruel towards you.

I would let her get on with it, don't reach out and leave it up to her.

She’s being cruel and tbh I would go so far as to say she’s being a bit performative iyswim.

As hard as it is to have a miscarriage, the reality is that miscarriage is a part of pregnancy as one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage before twelve weeks.
If the pain of that is so terrible that someone can’t see a bump without being triggered, then I’d say we would have an incredibly unhealthy female population, given that most women will suffef a miscarriage.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely baby boy. You sound like an amazing friend. I doubt that many people could be as brave as you in such difficult circumstances.

Do you know what - if you assume the friendship is done, or at least on hold, you don’t have to censor yourself. You can post what you want on social media, meet up with friends, join baby groups etc and not have to worry and second guess yourself so you don’t hurt her feelings.

She might come back once she’s had a baby, of course that sadly might not happen for her. I assume that she hasn’t got pregnant again even though it must be around 6 months since she lost the baby. Or she may have had another miscarriage in that time and just be utterly raw.

it is sad but she can’t cope with seeing you have what she thought she would have too. I would leave her be.

From what I’ve been told by mutual friends, she isn’t ttc as she still doesn’t feel ready. Her and her fiancé have started discussing wedding plans and want to focus on this now before children

Everyone deals with things differently. She's not coping.

Give her time. Check in every few months, if you want to.

Enjoy your new baby.

I’m so sorry for anyone who has suffered a late term loss. And in those cases it is absolutely understandable that people would find it hard.

But an early miscarriage isn’t the same.It just isn’t. And reality is that most women will miscarry at least once.
But while it’s sad to lose a pregnancy early on, it’s just not the same as losing a baby - an actual baby.

Your friend sounds like a horrible person to be honest. My entire family is dead, it doesn’t mean I refuse to be friends with people who have parents and siblings.

Agree with everyone else. There’s nothing you can do about this other than accept it. I would just put it aside and get on with life with your lovely new baby. She may come back one day and you can decide then whether you want to rekindle the friendship.