To think we will never be friends again?

[Silvercat12]

Going to keep this short and to the point. My best friend and I were both pregnant at the same time. She was a few weeks ahead of me.
She had a miscarriage the day before her 12 week scan. I comforted her the best that I could.
I had my 12 week scan. She wished me luck and thankfully it went well. She asked me how it went over text and I texted her back that it was fine. She said she was glad and I asked her if she wanted any support. She asked if I could keep the ultrasound picture hidden from her and I agreed, and she also said she wanted to change the subject. We talked about our upcoming (separate) holidays, jobs, etc and then she stopped replying.
I tried reaching out on multiple occasions (once a week then once a fortnight as I didn’t want to be overbearing) and she eventually texted me to say that I’m too difficult to be around and that her silence is nothing personal. I said I understood. She pulled out of every social event we were both going to attend as she said my bump is painful to be around.
My baby decided to come early, and came on the exact date her baby was supposed to have been born. I broke the news via text as gently as I could as she always requested to be told via text without any photos. She said congratulations and has since unfollowed me on social media. She hasn’t talked to me since. It’s been 4 months now and she still hasn’t met my baby.
I understand her hurt. Is this it for our friendship now? Other friends have reached out and have said she’s struggling with my baby specifically as he makes her imagine what her baby would have been like.
I miss her, we’ve been friends since primary school. What can I do? I’m giving her space as requested but I miss her

I feel for you. Her pain has made her very short sighted. She lost her baby and her best friend.

This happened with me and my best friend, both IVF pregnancies. I hadn't known she was doing it so it knocked me off my feet that 2 weeks after my D&C that she was pregnant. She was incredibly sensitive and although contact was slightly less over those 9 months I really tried to be supportive as her pregnancy was very high risk.

When her child was born it was hard but I think people just expected me to get over it by then. I'm not going to lie the pain didn't really ease much until I got pregnant with my own child four years later. She was pregnant with her second by then so it was actually lovely to go through pregnancy together and she was always there to calm my fears.

I wouldn't have treated my friend the way yours treated you but I honestly at the time would have preferred if she was gone from my life.

I think until she has her own kids the friendship is on hold but I suspect it'll be damaged because you may not be so forgiving.

This is just vile....

I was your friend, I had friends who gave birth whilst I lost my baby including one who gave birth on my due date. I too withdrew from many friendships, time and a happy ending healed my pain and many friendships recovered.... However those who couldn't wait and be patient as I grieved, those friendships were lost.

I never wished any of my friends were in my predicament nor did I wish their babies were also miscarriaged, I only wished I was not alone in my grief and I too was able to cradle my baby..

If you are a good friend, you keep that door open ....

Unfortunately some people are like this. Nobody is in the wrong really. Shell probably get back in touch when she's pregnant again. Then you can decide whether to let her back in or not.

I think people grieve differently and that she's doing what she needs to do right now. It would be nice if your friend was around for you right now, but she can't be, and I wouldn't stress about that, I presume you have other friends/family in your life who can fill the void she has left in your life. Unfortunately the void that her lost baby left in her life can't be filled.
It's a spectacular piece of sad coincidence that your child was born the same day hers was due, very difficult for her.
She's the same person you've cared for for years and I would afford her some grace. Long friendships wax and wane.

IMO I think it's too much to expect your friend to put your feelings before hers right now. You have everything she wanted, and she has none of it, just a broken heart.

It's of course not your fault, or your baby's fault. She will know that. Her due date will probably be a day that she mourns for years to come, while for you, it will be a day you celebrate. She's protecting her heart.

Honestly I think she will become more open to a friendship once she has a baby of her own in her arms. If you're willing to wait around for that, that's great. If you aren't, I imagine she'll understand.

Hiya, just came on to say I can see from both sides, but do think your friend is being cruel. I lost my baby at 18weeks, and one of my best friends of 18yrs at the time had her 3rd unplanned baby on my due date.

I was worried about the dates clashing and made my mind up to change the narrative and told her in advance it would be a blessing if her baby was born on my little ones due date.

Don't get me wrong, it was incredibly tough, and yes her little one is a reminder of what I lost. But it also helped me heal.

Your friend needs time, just as you need support. You both need different things at the moment, but when you are ready you will find your way back to each other. X

i know people act like this and there are several people sticking up for the friend on here but at the core these people are not genuine friends of the people they cut out of their lives. They just aren’t because if they were they wouldn’t be able to just cut them out. They might think they are friends but if you are not able to at any point speak to your friend just because she has what you wanted and you don’t see yourself being able to do so until you have a child of your own, then you’re not a good friend.
There are people out there who have gone through the most horrific tragedies and traumas and still manage not to cut out supposed long standing friends.

I have come to realise that many people’s friendships are just rivalries though.

Leave the door open but yes it is for now. Sadly the pain is too much at the moment.

This happened to me. It was so painful. But 35 years later my ‘friend’ contacted me on FB to apologise and say she missed me. What she did had caused an atmosphere and some difficulties in our extended friendship group and I decided to remove myself from the entire situation after waiting a year or so to see if she’d come round so to speak. I’ve no desire whatsoever to reply to the message she sent me and I wouldn’t dream of letting her back into my life.

Seriously, I cannot get my breath over some of the replies slating the friend who lost the baby, not least the one saying essentially she [the friend] is wishing the OP's baby were dead.

None of us are that friend. None of us know how she is feeling - not even anyone who has been through the same pain. Dial this back 20 years, when there was no social media - the OP probably wouldn't be aware of the depth of the problem, as there'd be less interaction between the two women anyway, and practically nowhere to share photos unless via hard-copy in person or post, therefore both limiting the problem whilst providing no platforms to have to unfollow. And on it goes. I've had to block and unfollow a great many people and pages for a hell of a lot less than this friend has - there are just some things you don't want to see.

My mother miscarried in 1974. She distanced herself from all sorts of situations. Those situations were either face to face, or involved TV shows where babies featured. No one knew how she felt, because there was no need for her to tell people what she was doing. People were busy. Communication aside from in-person was time consuming (letters) or expensive (telephone). She just got on with it and dealt with it in her way.

People have not changed. We grieve differently and we feel how we feel. What has changed is that we've moved to a society where information is rammed down our eyes constantly at a pace, yet as people we haven't caught up with that. Suddenly anyone who puts a stratergy in place to help them cope is being labelled nasty & selfish.

This isn't about the OP, it's about the friend. OP says she has reached out and misses the friend. Well in that case it's just about leaving the door open and playing the waiting game. If the OP really is a friend and misses her as stated, she will welcome her back when she's ready.

I had a really close friend, and after the birth of my first child, I didn’t hear from her at all after I’d sent the round robin text to everyone telling them the news (before social media existed!). She was the only person I hadn’t heard from. Then weeks later, I got a letter from her apologising for not being in touch, and explained that she’d been pregnant, her and her long term dp had been actively trying for a baby (his idea), then he’d suddenly got cold feet and more or less forced her to have an abortion really late, I think it was 19 weeks from memory, she had to go to London for it. And she was basically consumed with jealously that I’d had a baby. She was very honest about it all, but then finished by saying she couldn’t continue our friendship. We didn’t live close by, so that was that. She stuck to her guns. It really hurt to lose her, and felt very unfair, but I just had to accept the friendship was over.

Your poor friend is really struggling and it's sad that you can't support her, but she's finding the situation unbearable at the moment. In time perhaps she will come back to you, especially if she has a baby herself one day. You haven't done anything wrong and will just have to let it go and enjoy your own lovely child.

I think it's fine for her to unfollow op on social media. Or to reduce contact. She's clearly doing these things to protect herself.

But to completely withdraw contact, not even ask about the baby and ostracise op does seem really unfair.

I get what pp says about social media meaning everything is rammed down people's throats these days and sometimes it can be painful to see it. But even before all that, if a good friend stopped talking to you for this reason you'd still be hurt. People haven't changed, just the way we interact has.

It isn't just about the friend. There are two people in a friendship. I don't blame the friend for finding it hard, that's only natural but it seems like she's punishing op for having a healthy baby and that isn't what good friends do. If I truly felt like that I would at least speak to my friend, by letter if necessary and explain that I love them, I wish them all the best but I can't be around them just now. And I'd hope they understand.

This is such a hard one. I've been on both sides. I've had 2 miscarriages but then I did lose my twin babies last year at birth though so tbh I had to remove myself, though I never ghosted my pregnant friends. I just stepped back for a while as I was broken and social media was horrific.

You deserve to enjoy your happiness and although she in pain. It's not your fault. The timing is rubbish but you have done everything you can. You are a good friend and congrats on your baby. Give her time. Pregnancy loss is horrific. You've done your bit now. The ball is in her court.

I agree with those who think it might be temporary. She has been very open with you and you have been very gentle with her, so you obviously care about each other Obviously this in within the year and I think it's wrong for people to say she being cruel. She's trying to protect herself, grief has no time restriction.
Yes other people have experienced this and have coped better, supporting their friends and that is great. I've not suffered a miscarriage but we had fertility issues and even with treatment it never happened. My friends and colleagues were falling pregnant and although I'd wish them well/ give congratulations and although I was genuinely pleased for them, it bloody hurt so much.
I'm in my 50s now and on the odd occasion I reminisce on what could have been and I cry for what was 'never was'. It can still hurt all this time later.

And the point here is what exactly? That in a year she should be over it. Who can say how long it's going to take?

She can feel however she wants to but the point is that she is taking this out on the OP very unfairly. I am guessing that this friend still sees other friends, neighbours, family members, goes to work etc. She hasn’t totally withdrawn from society. Yet she can’t see her best friend of many years and doesn’t seem aware that actually it’s really horrible to be cut out or dropped for something that is really not your fault. Sometimes yes life is horrible and someone close to you seems to be blessed with good fortune but if you genuinely cared about them, you’d still be kind rather than freezing them out. The fact that she can just cut the OP out like this shows that she doesn’t seem to appreciate that the OP is a person with feelings too.

She can indeed take 10, 20 years or longer to get over it (whatever that means) but the friendship is most likely over. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who had taken this out on me. I know someone whose son very tragically died at age 4 and she absolutely wouldn’t have dreamt of cutting out friends because they still had their children and she did not. On the other hand, I know someone who stopped speaking to her best friend because said friend got married and had a baby and that was too painful because the friend was living the dream that she wanted and had expected to have first.

You'll get your friend back in years to come, quite possibly not until (if) she has children of her own. The same day of birth as her due date is incredibly raw. With grief i think you have to get all the anniversaries of the first year over before you can really start to heal.

So many of the replies on here seem to be about the friend and her feelings but what about OP and her feelings? She hasn't done anything wrong. She's been cut off by a friend who is clearly still seeing other mutual friends, some of which I bet have children!

Surely the friend doesn't now have a life long licence to treat OP as she wants and expect OP to be waiting with open arms when she does decide that she's 'forgiven' OP?

Why would she want her back in years to come?

Because as per the OP, she misses her.

If the friend who's had the trauma had gone on a vendetta against the OP, I could well understand all the comments saying what a vile person she is, but she hasn't. She's merely laid her cards on the table and withdrawn herself so as to come to terms with her loss.

I think OP needs to prioritise herself and dump this so-called friend.

This

Reading many of the posts on this thread help me understand why it’s best to never tell people you’ve had a miscarriage. Some of them are so judgemental and lacking in empathy.

Thank you, OP. Our scenarios definitely share the same sentiment – your friend has chosen to put her feelings before yours. That's obviously her prerogative, but the knowledge she's chosen to do that should help you to let go of the friendship knowing it's not your fault and you did what you could to keep it going.

There's also a very good chance that if she gets pregnant again, she'll suddenly realise what she's lost and will reach out like nothing's happened. I was polite but made it clear there was no going back.