To think we will never be friends again?

[Silvercat12]

Going to keep this short and to the point. My best friend and I were both pregnant at the same time. She was a few weeks ahead of me.
She had a miscarriage the day before her 12 week scan. I comforted her the best that I could.
I had my 12 week scan. She wished me luck and thankfully it went well. She asked me how it went over text and I texted her back that it was fine. She said she was glad and I asked her if she wanted any support. She asked if I could keep the ultrasound picture hidden from her and I agreed, and she also said she wanted to change the subject. We talked about our upcoming (separate) holidays, jobs, etc and then she stopped replying.
I tried reaching out on multiple occasions (once a week then once a fortnight as I didn’t want to be overbearing) and she eventually texted me to say that I’m too difficult to be around and that her silence is nothing personal. I said I understood. She pulled out of every social event we were both going to attend as she said my bump is painful to be around.
My baby decided to come early, and came on the exact date her baby was supposed to have been born. I broke the news via text as gently as I could as she always requested to be told via text without any photos. She said congratulations and has since unfollowed me on social media. She hasn’t talked to me since. It’s been 4 months now and she still hasn’t met my baby.
I understand her hurt. Is this it for our friendship now? Other friends have reached out and have said she’s struggling with my baby specifically as he makes her imagine what her baby would have been like.
I miss her, we’ve been friends since primary school. What can I do? I’m giving her space as requested but I miss her

The exact same thing happened to me with my best friend. Our pregnancies were a few weeks apart but sadly she miscarried before the first scan. Like your BF, she said it was too hard to be around me for the rest of my pregnancy and on the one occasion our paths did cross I pretty much sat hunched over so she couldn't see my bump because I was so worried about upsetting her. Things came to a head after I'd given birth when my DP had a freak accident and doctors weren't sure he'd pull through. I desperately needed support but she refused to visit, saying she couldn't be around the baby. I ended the friendship there and then, because I had done nothing but put her feelings first yet for months and she couldn't put them aside temporarily during the scariest time of my life. I think you might have to accept that you and she might never reconcile.

Astounding that people can be so utterly selfish.

It was truly shocking and very sad.

You may find that she’s able to come back to the friendship if she has a successful pregnancy later on. It can take a lot of time to heal emotionally.

You don’t need to take any action here. Allow yourself to feel sad about not being able to share your life with her right now, but don’t give up hope just yet, that one day you might be able to both spend time together as friends and mums. If that time comes, try not to feel resentment towards her for not being there in your baby’s early days and instead feel joy that she got her happy ending too.

Did she go on and have a baby? I am hoping so.

I’m so sorry to hear that. I had some complications at the end of my pregnancy and was moved into the high risk category and under the care of a consultant. Friends made my best friend aware of this but she never made contact. I always excused it but your story has made me see it from a different perspective; that she wasn’t able to temporarily put her feelings aside for me. Absolutely not the same as your situation though. I hope everything is all ok now

I thinks it's the same birthday that's done it for her OP. I think with time she would've come to terms with her loss and been able to interact with you and your new bundle of joy but now that babybshared same bday as her loss its too hard for her to move past. Your baby will always remind her of her loss too acutely for her to move past it for now. Things may change in the future if she hopefully conceives again but for now give her that space but leave the door wide open for her, she's hurting and as tough as it is for you it's not about your friendship she just needs more time to heal.

She did, she went on to have two. 😀

Congratulations on your baby. It must be tough not to have your bestie there to share such a special time in your life. I had several miscarriages and friends or acquaintances’ pregnancies and babies were really painful. I was so genuinely happy for them, but just really sad about my babies and sometimes that grief felt overwhelming.

if you can give her more time and space to see what happens rather than calling time now, you might be able to rekindle a friendship. I know it must feel hurtful to not be able to share your lovely baby with her, but perhaps of you can focus contact on other things for now it might take the pressure off? For example, not mentioning the baby but asking her how her wedding plans are going, or work or anything else really.

good luck, it’s a sad situation for all of you.

p.s I’m a long way down the line. I have two happy, healthy (grumpy!) teens now. Thinking back to that time is still so raw and painful though, so I really do feel for your friend.

Keep giving her space, she still hasn't recovered from the loss. It may take a while.

She may come around given some time but your son’s birthday, first day of school etc will always be a painful reminder of what stage her own child would be at.

This is a horrid situation for both of you but you have been nothing but compassionate.

Absolutely wonderful

I feel sorry for your friend that she lost her baby, but she also clearly is not a nice person. I mean if you’d lost your baby too she’d be fine with you, wouldn’t she? That’s tantamount to wishing your baby was dead basically.

I suffered to early miscarriages. I have two close friends - the three of us were pregnant at the same time. I had my first miscarriage just as one of them have birth to a healthy baby and the next miscarriage just as the second friend gave birth to her healthy baby. After that I didn't speak to either of them for a month, which was VERY usual for us at the time. Just like your friend, I told them it wasn't personal, just too painful. In the end, they conspired and made plans to do our shared hobby together in my favourite way - and told me their partners were taking the babies for the day, and they'd really like me to come along. I went with them (it was a day trip requiring some driving and hiking to do our hobby, so plenty of time to talk, too). And it somehow broke the ice. The baby stuff was still painful - watching them do maternity stuff together while I was ttc for the third time and hoping for a better outcome. Eventually, though, it did end with me having my own healthy DS. And now I'm able to spend time with them, our children playing together, and just enjoy the friendships without their children constantly reminding me of my losses.

I don't know if my story is any use to you at all. It's easier for me now - I had my happy ending. Your friend does not have hers yet. My best piece of advice is actually the opposite of the standard "tell her you care, but give her space." If you want your friendship back, you probably need to fight a bit for it. Suggest doing things together. Things she likes. Ideally without your baby, if at all possible. Tell her you miss her, and would like the two of you to do - whatever you used to enjoy together. I'm grateful that my friends didn't take no for an answer and pushed me a little to see them.

Bit much! She doesn't wish anyone's baby was dead she just wishes hers was alive. There's a difference

Bit of a leap.

WTF??

Your friend isn't being cruel or wishing your baby dead or not a nice person. She has wished you and your baby well but needs space. She has kept herself away rather than expecting anything from you. She has removed you from social media to avoid any surprises and also perhaps yes, there's some bitterness at the situation, not at you personally. social media wasn't even a thing 20 years ago so don't take that decision too profoundly.

Try and consider your friendship on long term hold. It isn't for strangers to weigh in saying she is reacting wrongly. You have years of goodwill to draw on and hopefully one day things will settle. Just not yet. It's not personal. You've done all the right things and she has said all the right things, she just isn't ready to face you yet. Would you want her forcing herself for your sake knowing it was causing pain? I'm sure not. Just give it time. No reason she won't come back to you.

Give her time and space.

I don’t think she is being cruel exactly but I think her behaviour is selfish and a bit controlling. You have gone out your way to be respectful and sensitive and she has tried to police your every utterance around this situation.

That said people who are grieving do sometimes behave in very insensitive and highly irrational ways. I have done things like this in the past when confronted with very painful situations I can’t face.

I think she’s probably well aware that she is being unreasonable but at the moment doesn’t feel she can get past it and needs to distance herself from you. She’s probably also slightly grieving for the friendship as well as the lost pregnancy.

The friendship is certainly on hold. But you don’t know what’s around the corner. She may have a successful pregnancy. She will eventually (maybe not for years) make peace with it. Leave the door open, continue to be as respectful as you have been, don’t react to anything she might do. And just get on with your life.

This is possibly the silliest and most malicious thing I’ve read on here, which is saying something. The OP just needs to give her friend time. Her miscarriage and the OP’s baby’s birth are very recent.

So you have, in your head, created a situation where the OP's friend is pregnant, wants to rekindle the friendship, only because she wants a big fuss made of her and her not yet existing baby. And you're encouraging the OP to be as stupid as you. Get a grip.

It's incredibly sad that she lost her baby and I can see why she found it hard to be around you during pregnancy. However I think she's been selfish and cruel to basically cut you off and ignore your baby over something that is not your fault. When she has her own children will she want to reconcile? Will you even want to considering that she's treated you like this and missed out on so much time?

I would find it hard to come back from that but if you decide to give it another go when she comes back (which I'm sure she will when she has her own baby) I would make sure she realises how much she has hurt you.

Absolutely this.

based on times by OP it would have been nearly a year ago and she won’t even meet OP’s baby.

Just enjoy your life with your child. There is nothing more you can do regarding your friend.

Jesus fucking Christ