Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we will never be friends again?

111 replies

Silvercat12 · 30/09/2024 17:41

Going to keep this short and to the point. My best friend and I were both pregnant at the same time. She was a few weeks ahead of me.
She had a miscarriage the day before her 12 week scan. I comforted her the best that I could.
I had my 12 week scan. She wished me luck and thankfully it went well. She asked me how it went over text and I texted her back that it was fine. She said she was glad and I asked her if she wanted any support. She asked if I could keep the ultrasound picture hidden from her and I agreed, and she also said she wanted to change the subject. We talked about our upcoming (separate) holidays, jobs, etc and then she stopped replying.
I tried reaching out on multiple occasions (once a week then once a fortnight as I didn’t want to be overbearing) and she eventually texted me to say that I’m too difficult to be around and that her silence is nothing personal. I said I understood. She pulled out of every social event we were both going to attend as she said my bump is painful to be around.
My baby decided to come early, and came on the exact date her baby was supposed to have been born. I broke the news via text as gently as I could as she always requested to be told via text without any photos. She said congratulations and has since unfollowed me on social media. She hasn’t talked to me since. It’s been 4 months now and she still hasn’t met my baby.
I understand her hurt. Is this it for our friendship now? Other friends have reached out and have said she’s struggling with my baby specifically as he makes her imagine what her baby would have been like.
I miss her, we’ve been friends since primary school. What can I do? I’m giving her space as requested but I miss her

OP posts:
Startinganew32 · 01/10/2024 08:50

ClimbEveryLadder · 01/10/2024 08:28

This

Reading many of the posts on this thread help me understand why it’s best to never tell people you’ve had a miscarriage. Some of them are so judgemental and lacking in empathy.

Show quote history

The OP was actually really sympathetic to her friend and tried to help her through her miscarriage. The friend is cutting OP out because she finds being around her too hard. She’s not seeing the OP as a person in her own right, someone with feelings and emotions who might be upset at being snubbed like this. There’s no underlying sense of caring there if the friend can only be friends with the OP once she also has a baby. That’s not a genuine friendship if you can only be friends with someone if you feel you are on a par with them.

5475878237NC · 01/10/2024 08:55

Startinganew32 · 01/10/2024 08:50

The OP was actually really sympathetic to her friend and tried to help her through her miscarriage. The friend is cutting OP out because she finds being around her too hard. She’s not seeing the OP as a person in her own right, someone with feelings and emotions who might be upset at being snubbed like this. There’s no underlying sense of caring there if the friend can only be friends with the OP once she also has a baby. That’s not a genuine friendship if you can only be friends with someone if you feel you are on a par with them.

Show quote history

That's ridiculously over simplifying the emotions of both the women involved. The friend is grieving. It's quite common for widows to avoid couple events for a few years after losing their spouse. Noone wants a painful reminder of what they're lost in their face.

dudsville · 01/10/2024 08:57

I think it can be harsh to say someone isn't managing their grief well, but she is projecting, making you the focus of her grieving, and that's damaging to a friendship. I've been in her shoes and my friend's baby was born on my due date. I remember going to see them once they got home. One of the hardest days of my life. I didn't hold her baby, but I brought gifts and stayed an hour. I then cried for hours afterwards, but her wonderful baby was not my lost one. Her life wasn't mine etc., etc. Your friendship needs to find space to allow for your happiness alongside her grieving, and that isn't something you can make happen for her.

Dodgydave · 01/10/2024 09:01

Lulubellamozarella · 30/09/2024 18:39

I also think she is being a little unfair. I have been in a similar situation but actually in her situation. My friend and work colleague both got pregnant at the same time. We worked in the same department and had desks next to one another. We shared our pregnancies and compared how we were feeling as we were at the exact same stage of pregnancy with both our babies being due in the same week. Unfortunately when I was 28 weeks pregnant I collapsed at home and was blue lighted to hospital. I had a serious pregnancy related illness called HELLP syndrome and was in ICU. I almost died and my son was delivered early at 29 weeks and died in my arms an hour after birth. She obviously went on to have a healthy full term baby girl. I was off work for 3 months as I recovered from the illness and was given the all clear to go back to work. Going back to work with her was incredibly difficult and I really felt for her because she almost had guilt that her baby was born healthily and was thriving while mine had died. It was difficult because i felt like people didn't want to ask her about her baby in front of me for fear of upsetting me. In the end at a weekly team meeting I asked everyone to please act normally around me. That although I had lost my baby, I didn't want my colleague not to be excited about hers and I encouraged her to bring her baby in to work to show everyone which she hadn't yet done.

I'm not saying it wasn't difficult seeing her and hearing her talk about her baby, knowing mine should have been going through the same stages but I felt it was unfair on her not to able to do so. We stayed friends for a long time.

What a lovely person and fantastic friend you are! I’m so sorry for the loss of your son.

Tellysavelas · 01/10/2024 09:08

5475878237NC · 01/10/2024 08:55

That's ridiculously over simplifying the emotions of both the women involved. The friend is grieving. It's quite common for widows to avoid couple events for a few years after losing their spouse. Noone wants a painful reminder of what they're lost in their face.

Show quote history

The issue is the friend is only avoiding OP, not her other friends with kids.

It’s like the OP who was being ghosted by her 3 SIL’s for having a baby because one of the SILs had had a niscarriage. Yet one SIL had a 10 month old and the other SIL had a 2 year old, and she was happily meeting those SILs. The OP almost being scapegoated.

Startinganew32 · 01/10/2024 09:16

5475878237NC · 01/10/2024 08:55

That's ridiculously over simplifying the emotions of both the women involved. The friend is grieving. It's quite common for widows to avoid couple events for a few years after losing their spouse. Noone wants a painful reminder of what they're lost in their face.

Show quote history

Couples events maybe but it wouldn’t be on to stop speaking to your best friend because her husband is still alive. Why is the OP the painful reminder when I’m sure this friend has lots of other people around her with children?

narns · 01/10/2024 09:30

@Startinganew32 I would think it's obvious why the OP's child is the painful reminder as opposed to any child. They were pregnant at the same time. OP's baby was born on her grieving friend's due date. OP's child is a reminder of the exact stage of development that her child would have been. The friend will be looking at them thinking my baby should be here too, there should be two of you playing together. It's different to seeing a random 2 year old.

Easipeelerie · 01/10/2024 09:47

Her feelings and some of her behaviour are to be expected. But she is now verging on the cruel. Was she like this as a friend in other ways?
I’d focus your energy away from her at the moment.

Startinganew32 · 01/10/2024 10:03

narns · 01/10/2024 09:30

@Startinganew32 I would think it's obvious why the OP's child is the painful reminder as opposed to any child. They were pregnant at the same time. OP's baby was born on her grieving friend's due date. OP's child is a reminder of the exact stage of development that her child would have been. The friend will be looking at them thinking my baby should be here too, there should be two of you playing together. It's different to seeing a random 2 year old.

Okay I get that but she can’t then expect the friendship to continue in the future. It’s still dehumanising towards the OP. She hasn’t deliberately set out to hurt her friend but is being punished for it. Sometimes things are painful but we have to put a brave face on things. It might sound flippant to some - I don’t mean it to but many many people go through this and don’t behave like this friend. She is entitled to act as she wants to but I don’t think she’s a good friend and I wouldn’t want to resume a friendship with her.

narns · 01/10/2024 10:25

@Startinganew32 both of them are hurt but neither of them have set out to hurt each other. One of them has their baby, and the other one does not.

Startinganew32 · 01/10/2024 10:48

narns · 01/10/2024 10:25

@Startinganew32 both of them are hurt but neither of them have set out to hurt each other. One of them has their baby, and the other one does not.

Right so because she had her baby she should accept being treated quite frankly like shit by this woman with whom she has been friends since primary school? It’s not the OP’s fault that this woman had a miscarriage- lots of women have miscarriages. To fixate on one person as a reminder of the miscarriage a year later is incredibly self-absorbed. If you find yourself wanting to do this, you should get some therapy to consider why.

Id say the same for anyone whose friend has cut them out because they feel resentful that they have a husband, a child, a bigger house, an inheritance, a good job or whatever else it is. I know that people do this but it’s wrong of them and they are not good friends. If you are a true friend you would be happy for the other person, even if it stings a little bit.

i saw a post on here where someone refused to have a relationship with their niece because it was “too difficult” to see their sibling happy. That is not normal. Life is not a competition. The “reminder” person you are cutting out is a human with feelings too. As is their child.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page