To think we will never be friends again?

[Silvercat12]

Going to keep this short and to the point. My best friend and I were both pregnant at the same time. She was a few weeks ahead of me.
She had a miscarriage the day before her 12 week scan. I comforted her the best that I could.
I had my 12 week scan. She wished me luck and thankfully it went well. She asked me how it went over text and I texted her back that it was fine. She said she was glad and I asked her if she wanted any support. She asked if I could keep the ultrasound picture hidden from her and I agreed, and she also said she wanted to change the subject. We talked about our upcoming (separate) holidays, jobs, etc and then she stopped replying.
I tried reaching out on multiple occasions (once a week then once a fortnight as I didn’t want to be overbearing) and she eventually texted me to say that I’m too difficult to be around and that her silence is nothing personal. I said I understood. She pulled out of every social event we were both going to attend as she said my bump is painful to be around.
My baby decided to come early, and came on the exact date her baby was supposed to have been born. I broke the news via text as gently as I could as she always requested to be told via text without any photos. She said congratulations and has since unfollowed me on social media. She hasn’t talked to me since. It’s been 4 months now and she still hasn’t met my baby.
I understand her hurt. Is this it for our friendship now? Other friends have reached out and have said she’s struggling with my baby specifically as he makes her imagine what her baby would have been like.
I miss her, we’ve been friends since primary school. What can I do? I’m giving her space as requested but I miss her

I also think she’s been cruel at what should be a happy time for you. You were respecting her request not to talk about the baby so there was no need to ghost you completely.

I think I would end this friendship. Unfollow her, and remove her number and pictures everything.

Going by similar circumstances, when she does get pregnant she’ll expect you to be there giving her baby showers and lots of attention. I would not give her the attention then.

Not quite the same

She is being very selfish. I’ve seen a trend for people wallowing more and more in their infertility issues. An early doors miscarriage is statistically to be expected and people have to be prepared for that. She should really improve her coping skills and resilience before trying to get pregnant again or she will be in for a shock that the whole world doesn’t revolve around her.

This

There's nothing you can do. Her issue isn't with you it's just the circumstances. Let it go for now.

Some of you are being completely ridiculous, so much so that I assume some of you are trolls.

The experience of miscarriage, infertility and grief is not universal.

Just because some of you were able to maintain relationships with people who had successful pregnancies without being completely crushed, does not mean that everyone can or should.

I would have expected a little more compassion from those who have found themselves in similar situations, as opposed to attempting to minimise and belittle someone else’s pain.

When it looked likely I couldn’t have children I struggled to be around pregnant women and babies for a while. I became depressed (though people weren’t aware I was) and I used to have one alcoholic drink before I met anyone pregnant to get through it. People cope differently. Although that was a different situation to your friend I imagine the pain is similar.
Ive also been in the situation where I had my longed for baby and my friend had multiple miscarriages. She took 2 months to meet my baby, but I let everything be led by her as I wanted her to be comfortable. I didn’t see much of her when my baby was small, but as my baby got passed 1 years old things went back to normal with her.
I think you should give your friend time. She may not come back to you though because your baby will always be a reminder of what she has lost and what she should be experiencing.

I'm not sure what your point is. You have no way of quantifying what a loss might mean to someone else.

I don't think she's being cruel. She's just in pain. If she is able to have another child, things might revert but not before, I wouldn't have thought.

When I was considering whether to go through with my pregnancy, the fact that my best friend was a few weeks pregnant really swayed me. I thought that I had it in me to terminate a pregnancy, but not to then be close to and watch all the milestones that I had missed. All this to say, I really do think that especially with the same date, it would be incredibly hard. Probably is the end of the friendship, and it's no one's fault.

I know exactly how you feel - I had the exact same situation with a friend and it really hurt. I hope you can stay friends and this is temporary but if not, maybe the friendship sadly wasn’t meant to be x

Sounds like this poster does have experience and is allowed to share her perspective. And it is quantifiable in some ways though e.g. mothers of stillborn babies get Mat leave, in recognition of the enormous loss and childbirth.

No one can answer your question, probably not even your friend.

Time is a wonderful healer, just keep sending her love and good vibes xxx

Good and bad things happen in life, I’ve had miscarriages, lost my parents young, been through some tough times. The one thing that has got me through is my friends. Is it hard seeing friends pregnant, or with wonderful parents when mine were awful? Yes. But if we bin off our friends every time we’re jealous or hurt because of something they have, we probably wouldn’t end up with many!

She’ll reflect on this and regret it in time as you’re clearly lovely. It’s so sad losing a friend and I’m sorry Op, I think it’s often not given the credence it deserves, it needs to be treated like a family bereavement. ❤️

Give her time. It must be incredibly hard for her.

I really feel for you as it is painful to lose a good friend through such circumstances.
In your place I would leave her be. Perhaps a final text wishing her well, that your door is always open, but you will leave her be.
Take it the relationship will not recover from this.
You cannot feel guilty for your childs life.
You will just have to try and focus on other friendships and meeting other new mums.
I feel very sorry for you both.
It is very hard for both sides through neither of you doing any wrong.
Wishing you well.

Agree with others who have said she’s being quite nasty. She will know you already feel guilty and she’s piling it on. Of course it’s sad for her but she’s going too far.

So do you think you won’t get an invite under the circumstances and if not how would that feel?

I can understand that there is a lot of grief but if I imagine me and my closest friend I couldn’t imagine ghosting her under the same situation.

Give her time, she may have had other subsequent miscarriages that she doesn’t feel able to tell anyone about. If (hopefully when) she is able to have a baby your friendship may then resume. Unfollowing you on social media will be to protect herself not to reject you.
I know several posters have said they were in similar positions and able to be more magnanimous and that’s great for them but you cannot understand what your friend is going through.

Miscarriages are cruel and really she needs to go and get therapy. Your baby isn’t her baby and none of this is your fault.

Congratulations on your baby OP. Enjoy every second with your little one. I am sorry your friend has cut off your friendship since she had a miscarriage. It is hurtful for you. Give her time. Hopefully she will want to make contact in the future but it depends if you want her back in your life. Everyone deals with a painful loss differently.
I know only too well as I lost my baby boy at 26 weeks due to an infection. At the time, 3 of my close friends were all pregnant and we were all due a few months apart. I was absolutely devastated, totally heart broken but for me and my DH, once my friends had their babies we went to visit. It took alot for us but it helped so much at the time as I realised there babies weren't my little boy and they supportive us so much. I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks, 5 months after losing my baby to another infection but then I was so lucky to bring our other baby boy home, 18 months later. I hope your friend will reach out to you and she will bring another baby home in the future.

Would you even want her back?

Find another friend. It's not your fault.

This is ridiculous and people shouldn’t indulge someone’s behaviour to this extent. Yes it’s upsetting to have a miscarriage at 12 weeks but lots of women go through that. Cutting off your friend because she has what you want is incredibly self centred and shows that she was never a good friend to begin with. Block her.
Seriously, you can be privately upset but to act like this is out of line. What’s next? Cutting people off because they have the house/marriage/job you wanted? It’s always a certain type of person who does this too - the type who likes it if things go badly for you but cannot cope if you are doing better than them.

People deal with things differently. I’ve been in a similar position to your friend and found things tough although I didn’t cut off friends etc.
Over 10 years on, I still think of the little girl I should have had when I see my friend’s child but it doesn’t hurt like it once did. I would never mention any of this to my friend though.
It’s a cliche but time really is a great healer. Leave the door open for her if you want to and she may come round in time or when she has a baby of her own.
There is nothing you can do one way or another to change how she feels. She needs to deal with this herself and you can’t apologise for living your own life.