To tell my husband not to invite his best friend?

[Missohnoyoubetterdont]

I actually don’t know where to start but have name changed as potentially outing. My DH has a very old friend ( think Uni days). I have known him as long as I have known my DH. Last few years he has said and done a few things that have definitely put me off him a little. He’s not an easy person to know, very forthright and opinionated. I try and be nice as he’s our guest and my DH and him have lots of history. Recently he has been quite undermining and said some personal things but never in earshot of my husband. He told me I was overweight once. I was pretty shocked and let in slide. He recently pretended he didn’t really know what I do for a living and kind of made out I was living off my DH. I made a very firm point to correct this. He just laughed and went on to insinuate my work wasn’t really a proper job. He has also done this with another friend of mine who runs a very successful cleaning business but in his eyes it’s not being an academic or a doctor so not valuable work. 🙄 He is very scathing of other people and is becoming increasingly difficult to be around. What I have noticed is, these little passive aggressive asides and comments are never in front of my husband. We have lots of mutual friends who hang out occasionally at get togethers. I just find myself increasingly thinking his behaviour is borderline nasty and don’t enjoy his company. I want to say to my DH how I feel but I also don’t want to destroy his long term friendship. They have a lovely if very surface level friendship that mostly revolves around sports. I don’t want to write reams and reams about specific incidents where he has p*seed me off but believe me, there are lots. I am just wondering if I would be unread to say I no longer want him around or should I just suck it up and put on my game face because really in doesn’t matter in the big scheme of things? Just wondering what others would do in this scenario?

Maybe next time he is round, if he makes one of his comments, when your husband comes back in the room, light heartedly but clearly state "your delightful friend has just been showering me with one of his world famous compliments again....state what it was...., honestly, you must just be swatting the ladies away" or along those lines and repeat each time until he stops.

these comments this person made to you in the sly….

have you told your DH?!

I would do my utmost to avoid him. If there's no way I could, I wouldn't engage with him, would move away from him and wouldn't listen to anything he has to say. I wouldn't be blatantly rude, but I would just avoid.

I would let it go, only because it seems like he wants to create a division between you and your husband. I wouldn’t give him the pleasure of the drama or him knowing it’s got to you.

When you are out, avoid being alone with him, or if he says things under his breath, ask him loudly what he said as you couldn’t hear him. When he makes an obnoxious comment, look confused and say, ‘what an odd thing to say?’ .

I honestly wouldn’t give this guy any satisfaction at all of thinking he’s got to you.

Yes, I would say it to my husband. Then you can decide whether to go low or no contact, because you shouldn't have to put with it. And your husband can decide whether he wants to continue the friendship, meeting his friend away from you, or let it go.

you don’t mention ever mentioning this to your DH!

I think it’s reasonable to not want to have him at your house or events anymore. I definitely wouldn’t keep these types of comments from my DH either!

Why should you have to ‘just ignore him’ or ‘not let it get to you’. He sounds very weird and I wouldn’t have anyone to my house who openly disrespects me.

When you’re a child there are social consequences to rude behaviour, people not wanting to be your friend being one of them. It should be the same when you’re an adult.

I would just tell your Dh that you don’t like him and he’s been rude to you on a number of occasions and that you aren’t comfortable having him visit anymore. Your Dh can go visit him. If everyone meets up in a group socially, you can decide if you want to go or not. But it’s fine to say you don’t want to because you don’t want to be around him.

Why would you NOT mention these things to your DH? Not in a crazy, angry way, but in a "Can you believe that Dave told me today that he thinks I'm living off you and don't contribute? hahah. Oh, and he thinks that Sue's cleaning business doesn't count as a real job?! He's crazy."

Because to be honest, the fact that he's doing this on the sly, and out of DH's hearing, suggests to me that it's purposeful.

Wow, I'd tell my husband if this was happening to me.

He’s relying on you not telling your DH, so tell him! Your DH can continue seeing his friend, just not at your house.

I think you're going to have to speak up OP.

Why do you think he says the nasty comments when your husband can't hear? Exactly. This fella knows EXACTLY what he's doing and he's continuing because he knows, or thinks he knows, that you will be the good little woman who keeps her mouth shut, doesn't rock the proverbial, and he gets off on it. It's time to speak up, however uncomfortable.

You do not have to entertain such vile behaviour, especially not in your own home.

And tbh once your husband finds out what this awful man has been doing, he really should be disgusted with this so called friend and be making it clear he has to knock it off. I hope your husband will do the right thing here. I understand you not wanting to come between their friendship, but let's see the reality - who is the person at fault? It's not you.

Why are you putting up with this crap from him.

Stand up for yourself.

Just because he's your husbands friend you don't need to listen to his crap.

Pluck up the courage to walk off when he approaches you.

You're an adult you don't need anyone's permission to say "Fred you're boring me" and walk away.

What's he going to do,complain to your husband. ?

I'd tell my husband. If you don't want to phrase it as a full-on complaint about the friend, you could phrase as a question or concern - "Is Harold all right? He seems really confused lately." Only you can decide if it's so bad you want to say the friend isn't welcome in the house but it sounds like he's being rude to your guests as well as to you so it's worth considering. In the meantime, I'd avoid being alone with Harald; you're hosting so it would be pretty easy to make an excuse and walk away if necessary, or to bring him along with you to join another group/guest (I'm betting he won't do this in front of anyone else, not just not in front of your husband).

I haven’t told my DH yet, I have thought about it but I think initially I thought was it worth the drama really as was very low key comments that actually wasn’t enough to warrant making a big deal. Now they seem to have escalated and I am not comfortable having him in my house really so am thinking I probably need to say something, or at least say if you want to carry on a friendship you will have to do it elsewhere. I’m trying to work out if I am being over dramatic about the comments or sensitive but the overweight one was definitely upsetting. The odd thing is I have lost loads of weight but he obviously hasn’t commented on that. None of what he says is really that bad just somewhat barbed and abrasive .

I would've spoken to my dh about it straight away. The overweight example is not one that's fluffy or open to interpretation. It was just plain rude.

Yes. An acquaintance of my husband's made a similar comment to me, but it was in DH's hearing, and he was furious.

I think your mistake was seeing it as a "drama" to make comments. That suggests to me that on some level, you were scared that your DH wouldn't believe you or that you would somehow be blamed? Is there more to this deep down?

DH has a friend who is a bit old school and used to greet me with big kisses on the lips. I hated it. it wasn't sexual at all, but I hated it. And I told DH I hated it. And we used to joke about how I could dodge, which I did. And his friend, bless him, appears to have figured out it's inappropriate as he hasn't done it in years. It never once occurred to me to not tell DH. But then, I also wasn't trying to cause any problems between his friend and him. I just was talking about something I was uncomfortable with.

DH and I still laugh about a work colleague of his who, on meeting up when I was about 6 motnhs pregnant and his girlfriend was about 3 months pregnant, spent at least 2 minutes standing staring at me, whistling through his teeth and saying, "pheeew, you are huge."

He told me I was overweight once. I was pretty shocked and let in slide. He recently pretended he didn’t really know what I do for a living and kind of made out I was living off my DH.

You should start a conversation with your DH along the lines of, “DH have you been talking and complaining aboit me with X, because he seems to think I live off you? Why do you think he thinks that?”.

I haven’t told my DH yet,

you said it’s been countless times when he’s said nasty sides to you

and you didn’t mention once

consequently your poor DH has no bloomin idea, but you just want to go straight to “tell” ing DH his friend can’t come

you have handled this badly op

I am not comfortable having him in my house really so am thinking I probably need to say something, or at least say if you want to carry on a friendship you will have to do it elsewhere

you are being totally unfair on your DH going from zero to 100 without any heads up

I find it wild that you’ve not already told your DH, but maybe that’s just me, as soon as my boyfriend and I come away from a social situation we have a big debrief and I would be saying straight away things like “omg did you hear Bob call me overweight! I was so shocked! Is he normally like that?” or “did you clock Bob pretending he doesn’t know I work? That’s odd isn’t it?” I’m assuming from your post that this has been going on for a while so it’s a shame that you’ve not told your husband yet.

In terms of your question “what would you do in this situation?” I personally don’t think I’d be saying from now on I don’t want him around. For your husband this will feel like it’s come out of absolutely nowhere and may seem a bit odd. But what I would do is start following the advice of other people on this post, and start calling him out. I love ideas other people have given, like saying to him “sorry could you say that again?” and embarrass him by making him repeat it, wait until your husband comes back in the room and say “oh, you should hear what Ben just said to me about my job/weight, what was it again Ben?” And then on your way home, tell tell tell your husband! It doesn’t need to be you being dramatic or making a drama or causing trouble, you’re literally just telling your husband facts.
Id really like to think that it would only take one or two social events before your husband deals with him and decides for himself that he doesn’t want to socialise with you anymore.
I know for a fact if one of my boyfriends friends commented negatively on my weight even once, it wouldn’t be me having to make a decision about whether or not he gets invited to places again.

I can't believe you didn't say something to your DH the very first time this person made an unpleasant comment. Men like him rely on women being too " nice" and polite to say anything. By letting him getting away with it he will no doubt have taken it as a green light to escalate his behaviour.
You can't tell your DH who to be friends with but I would certainly be telling your DH that you don't want to be in this man's company. And tell him the reason why. Although if your DH is a decent man I would expect he might be hurt and shocked that you didn't say anything to him earlier.

I would calmly tell your husband what’s been happening and also let him know that this person tried to undermine your other friend re. Her cleaning business, I.e., he seems to be targeting women.

Does he have a partner? Do you think he’s jealous of your successful relationship? That’s no excuse, I’m just wondering whether jealousy is at the root of this.

Obviously I wouldn’t do this.