To tell my husband not to invite his best friend?

[Missohnoyoubetterdont]

I actually don’t know where to start but have name changed as potentially outing. My DH has a very old friend ( think Uni days). I have known him as long as I have known my DH. Last few years he has said and done a few things that have definitely put me off him a little. He’s not an easy person to know, very forthright and opinionated. I try and be nice as he’s our guest and my DH and him have lots of history. Recently he has been quite undermining and said some personal things but never in earshot of my husband. He told me I was overweight once. I was pretty shocked and let in slide. He recently pretended he didn’t really know what I do for a living and kind of made out I was living off my DH. I made a very firm point to correct this. He just laughed and went on to insinuate my work wasn’t really a proper job. He has also done this with another friend of mine who runs a very successful cleaning business but in his eyes it’s not being an academic or a doctor so not valuable work. 🙄 He is very scathing of other people and is becoming increasingly difficult to be around. What I have noticed is, these little passive aggressive asides and comments are never in front of my husband. We have lots of mutual friends who hang out occasionally at get togethers. I just find myself increasingly thinking his behaviour is borderline nasty and don’t enjoy his company. I want to say to my DH how I feel but I also don’t want to destroy his long term friendship. They have a lovely if very surface level friendship that mostly revolves around sports. I don’t want to write reams and reams about specific incidents where he has p*seed me off but believe me, there are lots. I am just wondering if I would be unread to say I no longer want him around or should I just suck it up and put on my game face because really in doesn’t matter in the big scheme of things? Just wondering what others would do in this scenario?

I think if I was your husband I'd find it very odd that you'd gone from never mentioning anything, to banning him from the house. I'm not saying you're over reacting, but you should have been telling him what he has been saying. It's not just an opinion- he has said nasty things to you. Hiding this truth about his friend isn't fair on your husband, he should get to make an informed choice about whether he wants to see this so called friend or not as well

I wouldn't give a flying fuck about his feelings and I wouldn't want him around me in any way.

Why should the OP be the one to "adjust" her behaviour, her standards, her feelings, she's literally done nothing wrong!

I take umbrage to the fact I have handled it badly. I haven’t really handled anything yet! 🤣 Like I tried to explain some of the comments or ‘asides’ have been so low level that it hardly seemed worth causing a fuss, others like te weight comment have obviously hurt, all of them together are adding up! Sometimes people can be over sensitive and I am aware that I may have been this way but now it’s clear to me this was probably not the case.

obviously you wouldn’t do what you indicated in your op you were considering doing? 🫤

yes

the fact you haven’t shared any of these numerous sly digs at you is handling it badly

No, not without discussion and thought. Hence asking on here.

*. I don’t want to write reams and reams about specific incidents where he has pseed me off but believe me, there are lots.**

ok sit down and start sharing some with your dh

Okay Hill, you obviously are a bit of a keyboard warrior and want a fight. You are right, I’ve handled it appallingly. Will promptly go apologise. 🤣

or just not “tell” your dh that he can’t have his best mate over to his home 🤷

Tbh I would've told my husband the first time he made a nasty comment, along the lines of 'I don't think I like 'John' very much, he basically called me fat!' or whatever.

My husband has one of these friends, not a close friend but someone he has a few drinks with every so often. They grew up together so DH knows what he's like.

After this friend was a bit smart-alecy with me a couple of times I told DH that I wouldn't be in his company any more. DH understood and only rarely sees him now, usually only if they both happen to be back in the place they grew up in.

Tell your DH what he's been saying and that you don't want to be in his company any more. I think there's a good chance that your DH won't be surprised. If however he argues that this is an old friend and he doesn't really mean it, just stand firm, you don't like him and won't tolerate being disrespected.

But you literally said that’s what you’re thinking of doing?

I’d start by telling your husband that you’re not the biggest fan of this guy, with a few examples. Explain that you’re not really up for hanging out with someone you’re not keen on, because life is just too short. He can hang out with his mate at the pub, or at a pinch, at gatherings at your place if he must, but not often. I’m interested, does this guy have a partner?

Don't keep all this a secret from your husband or it could come between you, but continue to respect that the friendship means a lot to him and find ways to tolerate the friend if possible. Giving him a wide berth might be the easiest way - don't stop him coming to your home but excuse yourself and do something else, unless your DH is actually present and listening to the conversation. He may be jealous - how is his own love life?

Hindsight is 20/20 isn't it. Easy to say now what OP should have done. 🙄

OP, I get it. Taken individually the comments are small and petty and that's how running to your husband to 'report' them would have felt but now, en masse, it's a different feeling isn't it. He means these things to be nasty, it's not an endless coincidence that they are.

Sit down with your DH and tell him what you've told us. And that from here on you don't want the man around you any more.

I can't believe that none of this has ever come up in conversation to your husband??

Are you not very close?

I can not imagine this scenario happening in any marriage, with no mention at all 😳

Thank you. This makes sense. I don’t really want to rock the boat and I think I probably haven’t said much because I know my husband will support me and probably end up not seeing this guy. I’m not sure I want to be the reason for that. He does have a wife, no children. They travel a lot and seem to have a nice life. She is from Europe and her English, although good, isn’t always up to catching the nuances of conversations so I wonder if she missed out on his ‘moments’.

I wouldn't tolerate this behaviour towards me. I think you need to tell you DH what you've said here. That you've ignored it for his sake but don't feel you can do so any longer and no longer want to be around his friend. Then between the two of you, you and DH can agree a way forward that could be anything from not inviting him to your home, or inviting him only when you're out, or even if he's so minded, your DH distancing from him. Whatever works to mean you don't have to tolerate him.

This is exactly it. They were nothing in the beginning but have definitely ramped up and become more noticeable.

chatting the day after socialising over coffee,,, you’d think that at one point one of these numerous instances might have popped up

but for some reason it didn’t 🤷

so because throwing down any ultimatums, the OP has got to open up to her husband!

If your DH stops seeing him because of how he's treated you, his friend will be the cause of that, not you. You will simply be giving your DH full knowledge of the situation and its up to him what he does with it.

Fine I think (love life wise) but they have struggled to have children, I think they would have wanted that. The other factor is several years ago we became friends with this man’s other best friend and hit it off enormously, now you have mentioned the jealousy I do wonder if that has a part to play. We frequently see these other mutual friends and get on enormously well.

"You never guess what Bob said today? He said I'm fat, the cheeky bastard".

Completely normal conversation 🤷‍♂️

But at least the OP is going to change things now.

Ah, that could be it. He thinks you have half-inched another good friend and wants to take you down a peg. Annoying for you that he reacts like this but perhaps not too serious?

Hmm, I guess I may have said a few things about stuff, or ill mentioned that I have thought this man has been ‘off’ or out of sorts but mostly what he had been saying has been so vague it’s been tricky to even pinpoint them. I know DH would probably opt to not see this friend if he knew how I felt so I think I have deliberately been trying to keep it under wraps. They are very old friends and I haven’t wanted to spoil a friendship if I’m honest.

OP, I honestly wouldn’t see it as “making a fuss”
or “rocking the boat” by telling your husband. You don’t need to make a big thing of it, on your way home from an event just say “omg did you hear Bob call me fat today? That was a bit weird wasnt it!”
Your husband will hopefully be appalled.