To tell my husband not to invite his best friend?

[Missohnoyoubetterdont]

I actually don’t know where to start but have name changed as potentially outing. My DH has a very old friend ( think Uni days). I have known him as long as I have known my DH. Last few years he has said and done a few things that have definitely put me off him a little. He’s not an easy person to know, very forthright and opinionated. I try and be nice as he’s our guest and my DH and him have lots of history. Recently he has been quite undermining and said some personal things but never in earshot of my husband. He told me I was overweight once. I was pretty shocked and let in slide. He recently pretended he didn’t really know what I do for a living and kind of made out I was living off my DH. I made a very firm point to correct this. He just laughed and went on to insinuate my work wasn’t really a proper job. He has also done this with another friend of mine who runs a very successful cleaning business but in his eyes it’s not being an academic or a doctor so not valuable work. 🙄 He is very scathing of other people and is becoming increasingly difficult to be around. What I have noticed is, these little passive aggressive asides and comments are never in front of my husband. We have lots of mutual friends who hang out occasionally at get togethers. I just find myself increasingly thinking his behaviour is borderline nasty and don’t enjoy his company. I want to say to my DH how I feel but I also don’t want to destroy his long term friendship. They have a lovely if very surface level friendship that mostly revolves around sports. I don’t want to write reams and reams about specific incidents where he has p*seed me off but believe me, there are lots. I am just wondering if I would be unread to say I no longer want him around or should I just suck it up and put on my game face because really in doesn’t matter in the big scheme of things? Just wondering what others would do in this scenario?

but now it looks like you’re considering jumping to banning him from your home!

my point is…. if you don’t want to ruin the friendship, open up about a few instances where you feel he’s been hurtful.

Your Dh will, no doubt, not be happy and talk to him friend.

A good friendship will endure a chat about saying comments that have bothered your wife

Maybe you are right! This guy did say he was annoyed they ( the mutual friends) never bother to visit them but they visit us frequently. I guess I never thought of this possibility but almost directly coincides with the funny remarks!

This is good advice. Talk to your husband @Missohnoyoubetterdont you yourself say They have a lovely if very surface level friendship that mostly revolves around sports you are not talking about someone who is a really deep, close, personal friend.

Make sure you have examples to hand of what this 'friend' has said/done and just reiterate you will be polite and civil towards him in group situations but have no desire to be around him other than that.

Great advice. Thank you.

You know your husband, hopefully, better than anyone else. Do you honestly think he would want you to tolerate these barbs for his benefit?

Are you a little afraid that he will side with the friend or disbelieve you and it will negatively affect your marital relationship? Is that possibly why you have put up with it in silence so far? Or are you just too damn nice about it.

I tell you, if it were me, I wouldn't put up with it in silence. I'd maybe let one or two little bits slide and then I'd be on the warpath. I would mince the arrogant elitist misogynistic turd into subatomic particles by the time I'd finished with him. I suspect I'm not as nice as you are though.

Maybe, you need to give your husband a chance to sort this out by telling him. He can't do anything if he doesn't know.

I know that if I told mine one of his friends had been passing comments on my body, he would hit the bloody roof at that friend. My DH is very laid back and forgiving but he wouldn't stand for that. Actually, come to think of it, why is he giving you appraising eyeball. You're not trying to appeal to him. Bit creepy really.

Can you make it a sport to talk back to him the way he deserves? And when your DH comes back repeat what he said in a humourous way - DH you missed what xx said about xx’s business…!

Is he a doctor?

I'd be very swiftly telling him to fuck off with his pass agg comments and if my DH moaned about it I'd ask him if his wife's feelings mean anything at all to him or is his friendship with a grade A arsehole more important than his wife

I'd give as good as I get. "That shirt is ghastly on you, the colour doesn't suit you" or "looking a bit tired & worn out Bob, you need to take better care of yourself" said with a big, fat, giant smile on my face. But then, I'm a bitch.

I think you need to change the mindset around 'you don't want to spoil a friendship'. The person who spoils a friendship is the one that makes snidey comments to his best friends wife behind his back. Not the one that shares the truth with her husband.

This is how I would approach it with your DH. He will almost certainly ask why you didn’t raise it earlier - and so I would emphasise the escalating nature of it, and that you now do not want him in your house.

He sounds like one of those people who, when they’re getting away with their digs, get gradually worse. ‘I think we all need to bear in mind that a firm put down at an early stage is needed. I think we all need to be able to say calmly and firmly ‘ I beg your pardon? Have you just made a comment on XYZ? In our best teacher voice.

I would go to this if the discussion with DH does not go the way it should - but I’d start with a talk to DH first and give him the chance to deal with it.

If no success, the idiot would get both barrels the next time he delivered a little put down. But I would have warned DH that I would do it.

‘Are you a little afraid that he will side with the friend or disbelieve you and it will negatively affect your marital relationship? Is that possibly why you have put up with it in silence so far? Or are you just too damn nice about it.’
I suspect I’m too nice. I haven’t mentioned it before as I know DH will probably sever ties and that does make me kind of sad. (For him). Ideally I’d be happy if they saw each other elsewhere but I didn’t want to host.

Could you say to your husband, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, because it tends to happen when you’re not around, but Dave can be quite negative towards me. He made a crack about my weight the other week, and he’s tried to suggest I basically live off you before now. I don’t want to come between you and your mate, but maybe I should go out with the girls/round to my mom and dad’s/to the gym when you’re having him over.”

That way you’re not saying you don’t want him in the house or trying to force a fallout, wits clear you don’t want to be around him and why. It’s up to your husband after that.

She’s doing it on another thread I’m following too. Ignore her.

I've had similar op. Then on my wedding day he went too far. I was seething. Long story short I said to my husband enough is enough, I understand he is your friend and don't particularly want to come between you. With that said I need to put boundaries in place.

So I called the guy. He didn't like being challenged at all and things became rather heated as I had an example and response to every excuse and attempt to deflect. I tolerate him now but he keeps his opinions to himself where I'm concerned (he treats his wife, my husband their friends the same) which is fine as he knows ill immediately pull him up.

Do you think the friend is slyly repeating what your Husband has said to him about others and you?

You’re nob being overly dramatic, he’s a bully. He’s manipulating you by saying this when others aren’t around and getting away with it because he knows you want to ‘make a scene’.
i would politely explain what’s been going on, as you’ve done here. What you do next is entirely up to you, but I would be telling my husband that he was never welcome in my home and if he attempted to speak to me at any social event I would not be listening or speaking to him at all and would be walking off if he ever tried to approach me, even if there are others there.

You must have a very odd, emotionally distant relationship with your DH not to have mentioned this from the start! How bizarre.

YANBU

My DW said the same about the guy who was my best man (& my best mate from school). He comes into our house and I leave it was the gist of it.

She's OK with meeting him in the pub or at mutual friends, but she won't have him in the house.

I said OK.

Like your guy OP he is a man of strong opinions and likes to talk over people. I've learnt over the years to switch off 'cos underneath it all he is a good bloke.

bloody hell that is a dark interpretation of this thread!

I think you tell your husband but only after the next comment and your response - what a nasty thing to say, I wonder if you are aware how often you make denigrating remarks to me and why you think that is?

Nope. We are very close. Married for 30 years and still very much in love but as I have explained many.many times the comments have only just ramped up. Previous stuff we have laughed about a bit, they weren’t necessarily about me. It’s only very recently that it has escalated and before wasn’t enough to wreck a friendship over, I was prepared to just think he was being a dick or very clumsy with his turn of phrase.

so for three decades he’s been saying sly mean comments to you

and recently it’s ramped up to too numerous to mention times

and your DH has no idea?!!

how recently has it ramped up?

before wasn’t enough to wreck a friendship over,

but why would it have wrecked a friendship for you to have said “Dh…. X has a tendency to say some insensitive comments to me and it is beginning to bother me”…. maybe after a decade or two of it happening albeit infrequently ?