To tell my husband not to invite his best friend?

[Missohnoyoubetterdont]

I actually don’t know where to start but have name changed as potentially outing. My DH has a very old friend ( think Uni days). I have known him as long as I have known my DH. Last few years he has said and done a few things that have definitely put me off him a little. He’s not an easy person to know, very forthright and opinionated. I try and be nice as he’s our guest and my DH and him have lots of history. Recently he has been quite undermining and said some personal things but never in earshot of my husband. He told me I was overweight once. I was pretty shocked and let in slide. He recently pretended he didn’t really know what I do for a living and kind of made out I was living off my DH. I made a very firm point to correct this. He just laughed and went on to insinuate my work wasn’t really a proper job. He has also done this with another friend of mine who runs a very successful cleaning business but in his eyes it’s not being an academic or a doctor so not valuable work. 🙄 He is very scathing of other people and is becoming increasingly difficult to be around. What I have noticed is, these little passive aggressive asides and comments are never in front of my husband. We have lots of mutual friends who hang out occasionally at get togethers. I just find myself increasingly thinking his behaviour is borderline nasty and don’t enjoy his company. I want to say to my DH how I feel but I also don’t want to destroy his long term friendship. They have a lovely if very surface level friendship that mostly revolves around sports. I don’t want to write reams and reams about specific incidents where he has p*seed me off but believe me, there are lots. I am just wondering if I would be unread to say I no longer want him around or should I just suck it up and put on my game face because really in doesn’t matter in the big scheme of things? Just wondering what others would do in this scenario?

how recently has it ramped up to too many times to count?

Are you okay @hillroad 😂 you seem over invested.

i suppose it’s just all very odd

i have been married 26 years

and the idea of this going on for three decades and to now have “reams and reams” of examples of when this man has slyly belittled me… and not mentioned even in passing to my DH?

well i guess it’s piqued my interest! 😆

I am just wondering if I would be unread to say I no longer want him around or should I just suck it up and put on my game face because really in doesn’t matter in the big scheme of things? Just wondering what others would do in this scenario?

Third option. talk to my husband

but each to their own! all the best OP!

If you read my initial post it says in the last few years, prior to this we have always been fine and I actually quite liked him….maybe two years ago he made a few silly comments that I thought I would just ignore, nothing major but a bit questionable . Last year was the weight comment and now looking back some other low level nonsense.. I don’t see him massively often so it’s not all the time, maybe socialise three times a year. I saw him very recently though so it has come to a bit of a head and at that meeting he said some very odd and what I thought to be underhand things. I am trying to get across that the comments on their own may not be that awful but the frequency and nastiness has definitely ramped up so now I feel like it needs addressing whereas before (in the past) I have given him a pass.

I wouldn’t avoid him. He wants you to feel inferior. So he zeroes in on potential personal insecurities and things he interprets as “lesser” to make his rude remarks. He’s emboldened by your polite ignoring.

So, don’t worry about being polite. Pull him up every single time. If he makes a disparaging remark about someone’s career say “really, so you think XXX isn’t a real job/valuable career - why is that - do explain why your role as a XXX is more special”. Make sure his snobby shittiness is highlighted to others around by calling him out. Any smart remarks about anyone’s weight or appearance - be prepared with some smart remark of your own about his appearance/attire -“hair transplants/teeth whitening are much cheaper nowadays, you should look into it”. “was that ugly jumper a gift or did you choose it yourself?”. Just push back every time.

And tell your husband what you are going and why.

I have just spoken to my husband. Thank you for (some) of the useful advice. I think in my heart of hearts I didn’t want to cause a rift between my husband and his oldest friend but I suspect that will happen now. I have made sure my DH knows I am very happy for him to socialise with this man but DH seems reluctant to given all I have told him. He totally understands why i am upset and has my back. I think going forward I will not be inviting them over but if there are joint parties/events I will just give him a wide birth. My DH has said in these circumstances I should call him out immediately and he will also do so and back me to the hilt. I feel sorry it has come to this but realise it’s not my problem and is all about whatever is going on for this guy. I suspect he is very insecure. Thanks again for the useful advice it made me think about it from lots of different perspectives.

This guy did say he was annoyed they (the mutual friends) never bother to visit them but they visit us frequently.

I think I might have responded "and why do you think that is?"

Well done for talking to DH. No one needs that negt8vity in their lives.

You are far more gracious and thoughtful than I would have been. Best wishes.

If one of my friends told my DP she was overweight that would be the end of our friendship.

Not everything that goes through your brain has to come out of your mouth.

I can see why this would hurt someone, many would feel the same way but perhaps act differently and not take it out on you.

Did he introduce you or were you all part of the same group but just got closer? He should be asking them why they don’t visit rather than taking it out on you but perhaps keep these frequent get togethers to yourselves - think how you’d feel if a really close old friend got friendly with your other equally close friend without you and became as thick as thieves, and told you they saw a lot of them while your other friend didn’t bother with you. Would you feel nothing but happiness for them?

Avoid. Be busy/have a migraine/early night when he’s coming over.

And when he makes an unpleasant remark, respond with something like .. 'Who cares what you think '....

Or when your husband comes back into the room say to his friend .... John, tell Peter what you just told me ......

a 10 minute chat and could have saved yourself being the brunt of all these horrible comments for all couple of years

and either what this man has said to you was really quite vile or the friendship can’t have been that close if DH listens and goes straight to being reluctant to ever seeing him again!

Thank you for your thoughtful and sentient advice. I take it all onboard but am very happy with the way I have handled it. I care for my husband and his feelings, some things are not so black and white. Lots of the comments were not necessarily ‘vile’ but had an edge. If they had been stayed infrequent and mild in content I could have overlooked them. A 10 minute chat was probably not necessary in the beginning but has now proved to be. Maybe look up the term ‘escalated’ as this is what has happened. All sorted now though and my husband will continue to see him in group settings and outside of that if he so chooses, I am just not interested in having him for dinner at mine anymore. With the greatest respect, your thoughts on my husband’s friendship with this man have been noted, as someone who has witnessed it over the years I do believe I’m a better judge of how close they are.

* All sorted now though*

the benefits of communication 😊

I am pleased to hear you have sorted this out to the satisfaction of both you and your husband@Missohnoyoubetterdont .

I personally can see your husband withdrawing from his friend and remember that the fault for that lies solely with the friend, not you or your husband.

My boyfriend has a friend like that! I made my boyfriend very very aware instantly. Strangely enough his behaviour also stopped instantly 🤣🤣 I can stomach small doses of him, I do try and avoid where possible tho

Exactly

You haven't handled it at all

And now you want to ban him from the house

So.....yes.....that's poor situation management by you

That's fabulous news!

Great husband 👍

Probably the least outing post I have ever read. I honestly don't get this name changing obsession on a platform which can be accessed worldwide.

Tell your Dh exactly what you have told us. I think you've been really mature and reasonable handling it all like that and not reacting. I would have squealed to my Dh at the first bitch comment. Your DH has lots of other lovely friends. Why does he need this nasty piece of work. It's time you came clean with him and not put up with this any more. He sounds vile! I wonder what his motive is? Jealousy? Insecurity?

Definitely repeat it when your husband retur, make him squirm.

Fuck that l would be rude back! People like him need a taste of their own medicine.