To tell my husband not to invite his best friend?

[Missohnoyoubetterdont]

I actually don’t know where to start but have name changed as potentially outing. My DH has a very old friend ( think Uni days). I have known him as long as I have known my DH. Last few years he has said and done a few things that have definitely put me off him a little. He’s not an easy person to know, very forthright and opinionated. I try and be nice as he’s our guest and my DH and him have lots of history. Recently he has been quite undermining and said some personal things but never in earshot of my husband. He told me I was overweight once. I was pretty shocked and let in slide. He recently pretended he didn’t really know what I do for a living and kind of made out I was living off my DH. I made a very firm point to correct this. He just laughed and went on to insinuate my work wasn’t really a proper job. He has also done this with another friend of mine who runs a very successful cleaning business but in his eyes it’s not being an academic or a doctor so not valuable work. 🙄 He is very scathing of other people and is becoming increasingly difficult to be around. What I have noticed is, these little passive aggressive asides and comments are never in front of my husband. We have lots of mutual friends who hang out occasionally at get togethers. I just find myself increasingly thinking his behaviour is borderline nasty and don’t enjoy his company. I want to say to my DH how I feel but I also don’t want to destroy his long term friendship. They have a lovely if very surface level friendship that mostly revolves around sports. I don’t want to write reams and reams about specific incidents where he has p*seed me off but believe me, there are lots. I am just wondering if I would be unread to say I no longer want him around or should I just suck it up and put on my game face because really in doesn’t matter in the big scheme of things? Just wondering what others would do in this scenario?

I wonder if you'd said to the 'friend' - 'are you trying to spoil our friendship with you?' after one of his comments.
Surely he would have backed off.
It does sound like jealousy and insecurity on his part.

Tell DH he keeps making sexual comments to you when DH isn't around or in earshot

Glad your DH is supportive, Op. Sorry for all the smug know it all responses you’ve had.

It’s good his friend won’t be invited to any dinners but I also wouldn’t invite him to parties or get togethers.

He has brought this entirely on himself.

I’m not surprised your mutual friends no longer visits them, he probably does the same to the other friends’s partner!

Tell him to his face that, you are telling your OH about his insulting and passive aggressive behaviour and if their friendship is spoiled, this is his fault. Don't do it behind his back - this is how he has behaved with you. Then, tell your OH.

He's no friend if he's trying to undermine his pal's partner.

Well done for talking to your husband. And great that he supports you. I know a guy who enjoys making snide remarks to women... a total misogynistic pig... but his absolute pet hate is to he laughed at. So that's what he got if/when he did make nasty comments. A big loud exaggerated laugh... It soon shut his vile mouth. Although I cut all ties to him a good while ago... he's a family member. But people like him and your husband's friend are bullies and they're sad pathetic bastards who enjoy the put downs and enjoy seeing that they're hurting people. Always be prepared with a retaliation. And absolulety do repeat it to your husband in front of this moron. I like a PP idea about mentioning teeth whitening to him, etc.... 😂

Ask him I'd he's ever looked in mirror. Tell him he's a lowlife bully

I'd have been tempted to challenge him direct. Something along the lines of "Is there a reason you always wait for DH to be out of the room before you make these little digs?"

Tricky...I have been in a similar situation only DH's cousin,he kept touching me inappropriately, I kept moving out of arms length making excuses not to go out with this chap and his partner it was so stressful and like you, you because its your DH longtime best friend and me because it was my DH cousin, I never told DH every time we went out with him and his partner I'd get not exactly nasty but not very nice to my DH and it was making me ill I had a migraine, never had them before or since, I thought I was dying......anyway I felt because I'd left it so long in telling my DH I felt I couldn't and so I suffered!!!!!! eventually I couldn't carry on and I told my BIL who was shocked but not surprised (I won't go in to it) he came over we sat down together and I told my DH...he was upset that it I'd not told him before to say the relief was immense is an understatement......what I'm trying to say, rather cack-handedly, don't leave it to long, you don't have to bad mouth this moron or be rude just calmly say to your DH that his friend as past this or that comment and its hurt you and that you realise he's long time friends with this chap, if he says oh that's just him he doesn't mean anything and to take no notice keep out of this chaps way try not to be in the same room close your ears to what he's saying talk to the others he's made nasty snide comments to there's power in numbers........I,when the cousin came into the room,pointedly gave him a wide birth and walked out of the room and on the odd occasion intimated I was going to tell his partner about his behaviour you could do the same..........don't leave it tell your DH this chap gets off on saying horrid things and yes maybe he wants to come between you and your partner.....don't let him

I know this is pretty much done and dusted, in regards to solutions, however, for what it’s worth, you’ve handled it fine. It seems like although the comments have not been nice, they haven’t significantly upset you, so doing nothing, not being dramatic, seems appropriate.

I see you’ve updated and spoken to your husband, and good for him, he is supportive. The only thing I might have done differently is spoken to the friend directly, tried to resolve it that way. Just some questions about his wellbeing, have you done something that has upset him, etc etc. The things he is saying sound like jealousy and bitterness, those barbed comments that are meant to injure.

It would be a shame to damage the friendship, but your husband now having those facts can decided for himself its value and whether he wants to continue being a part of it.

Does your Dh still see his cousin?

I wouldn’t be alone with him without DH. If that looks like it’s going to happen for some reason, I would get up and walk away. And tell DH that’s your plan.

I wonder if he’s “negging” you, perhaps? I would talk to the wife of the other couple and see if maybe this kind of behaviour is why they have distanced themselves. He sounds like an utter dick.

Could you start by casually looping you DH into conversations with the friend. For example, friend says something and at that moment you laugh and say 'DH did you hear this... friend just said I'm over weight that's a bit cheeky don't you think'. Just start outing him the moment he starts. And keep your DH or other witness nearby.

You're not being unreasonable to feel the way that you do, but I do think it's a little unreasonable to leave your husband clueless to this weird dynamic. This is a friendship that he also gets to make decisions about and he may not want to be friends with someone who's being a dick to his wife. He also may well want to remain friends but set some boundaries on how this guy's behaving. I agree with other commenters you have said to bring your husband into it when the guy makes his comments. It's quite strange to me that you've been keeping it a secret, don't wait till later in the day and tell him, tell him as it happens so that he can put his foot down and say oh hell no.

Definitely don't do this unless it's true.

OP has told her husband.

ShouldIEvenBother, tell the smug , needy bastard yourself!!!!

I’m not sure why this is trending now as all resolved a few days ago.

Been in your situation. Regretted not making a stand sooner. He's being plain nasty, and you do not have to put up with it. Your DH 's first loyalty should be towards you and your feelings. He should tell his mate to pack it in, or he doesn't come round any more.

Jealousy is an awful thing. He us obviously jealous of what you and your DH have. Next time he says anything be ready with sorry if I don't come up to your expectations but there again nor sorry because you don't matter in my life. Again you could say if you feel lulike that I wonder why you keep coming to visit. Or do stop gadlighting it isn't attractive. I'm sure you could think of a few yourself. Sad person by the sound of it. You don't need a degree to be successful.

He sounds like a dickhead.

1. your weight is none of his business
2. whether you ‘live off your husband’ or not, is none of his business. if you are a full time mum, you are contributing to the family, for example.
3. he should F off with his opinions re peoples means of honest income.

one of my husbands school friends is bitchy and arrogant. I think that the boys care about each other. My husband and I have agreed that he should see this friend in boys evenings out and catch ups, but I don’t need to see him as frequently. The occasional get together with his family and ours, is sufficient and I would talk to his wife or kids over him, any day.

No the cousin died a couple of years ago but at the time it was agree that we'd have nothing more to do with him