to wonder if I'm out of touch with conversational norms?

[Thisisntthowisawthisgoing]

I've noticed more and more that people are regularly interrupting or speaking over each other. Is this now the accepted norm?

In my upbringing, interrupting was considered rude, except for minor interruptions like a quick “mm-hmm” or “I know what you mean” that still allowed the original speaker to finish. Polite interruptions might happen for safety (“watch your step”) or could be smoothed over by looping back (“Sorry, Sandra, you were saying…”). Otherwise, you waited for the other person to finish.

Recently, though, I’ve found people just can’t seem to wait their turn. They’ll either completely talk over the speaker or take over with an “Oh, I know what you mean” and then carry on. I haven't noticed others being outwardly bothered by it, but I often leave these conversations feeling a bit deflated. It feels discourteous, and I end up hesitant to speak, wondering if I’m being dull or just not worth listening to.

I tried addressing this with friends by saying, “Sorry, I was talking, could I finish?” and was called out for being rude and “causing an atmosphere.” It wasn’t my intention, but it made me wonder—has interrupting become acceptable, and calling it out is now considered the rude bit?

Do I need to update my expectations of how conversations work these days?

Ask questions?

Thank you for all the responses. It's been genuinely educational.

Have had a think about my recent behaviour (IE saying 'can I finish?') and I can completely see how that is in itself rude. My original thought was to tell myself I have a voice which counts and if people speak over me it's okay to stick up for myself rather than just continue to let it go as I have done for years. But my tactic was poorly thought out. Thank you for those who have said it, whether you pointed it out with kindness or not. This has made me realise if I can be rude so inadvertently then it's even more likely that many others are not doing it to be purposefully rude, it's either habitual, different social norms or just complete lack of awareness,

The point @JaninaDuszejko made about cooperative overlapping was SO helpful. I've been trying to explain to my husband for years how interrupting isn't a black and white topic and how sometimes it's just part of the chat. When you're enthusiastically sharing a topic and someone kind of takes the conversational baton from you this this term is exactly what I was looking for. However I do think that there are also times where in particular groups some people are seen as 'easy targets'. Then the more dominant personalities will continuously speak over them and that to me doesn't feel cooperative at all.

Next time I'll put my big girl pants on and bring it up with the people in question. Have some great words, stories and examples thanks to this thread. Hopefully will help me find a little more balance in the groups where I otherwise often feel rather steamrolled.

Most people I come in contact with especially in the work place talk non stop about themselves, rarely ask questions or show much interest in anything happening in other people's lives. Suits me! Now I understand how that's how most people operate I don't take offence and let them drone on. I couldn't be bothered to interrupt. In fact some times it is a nice distraction during a slow day. They couldn't tell you anything about me though.

“Sorry, I was talking, could I finish?”

Well it all depends how this was said doesn't it? The key missing bit of info. If you used a really irritated and wound up tone then of course it would create an atmosphere. Yes interrupting is rude but 2 wrongs don't make a right.

We had a meet and greet with DD's main teachers at her new school (Yr7). The teacher mentioned this in an "I can tell which of your children watch a lot of YouTube" context. I'm forever pulling my Dc up for it and last time they had YouTube on I sat and listened rather than attempting to ignore it and think she might have a point.

Absolutely cannot abide people who hold court.

If you can’t say it in a few sentences and let the other person respond then you’re in danger of being a giant bore IMO!

Unless someone is having a crisis and needs to be heard, i like my conversations pacey and lively!

Some people kill the conversation with their talking. it's like a fire blanket. Not saying this is you but it could be. They go on and on. People lose the will to contribute or stay alert so the talker feels justified in going on more. My mother does this. She's so draining. Try either being restrained to start with and letting others take the conversation in whatever direction they wish, or leading by asking questions and seeing if anything different happens.

I agree. It sucks the life force out of people. If you’re going to hold court you need to be exceptionally charismatic / witty / fascinating to pull it off. Otherwise you’re likely just boring. I do it when drunk, not a good trait!

Conversation happens between people, not one person at another… Telling people not to interrupt so you can carry on talking at them sounds incredibly aggressive. Like some sort of non-consensual verbal attack! If they don’t want to listen don’t force it on them!

I have friends from many different countries, and some are definitely more excitable and interrupting than others. In our family we talk endlessly and together and in sync and interrupt, it's just our state of being. It is difficult then to know how to behave in public- if I don't chat or interrupt, it's hard sometimes to listen without losing interest, but if I say something, I can end up monologuing and then I feel very guilty, although I'm quite entertaining so on a night out it's usually fine.

I often walk away and think- why was I like that? I'd like to say less sometimes but others don't always step forward so I tend to gabble as a response to slight discomfort.

My favourite conversations are in twos or threes, anything over that is hard to manage, I think, and on a night out, one or two people can end up left behind.

It's worse since Covid, I am out of practice and don't enjoy socializing as much as I used to, and I wonder if all this is just a bit more stressful than it used to be. I enjoy meeting up with one or two friends just as much though, this whole interactional style thing seems so much easier in smaller settings.

Some people take so long to say their thing that sometimes you have to ask your questions or the moment has long passed whilst they have droned on. Some speakers need to learn to pause to allow for interjections.

Likewise with my DH. He gets annoyed with my family's cooperative overlapping which I've just learnt is the term from this thread. His family is very much not like that in conversation. He denies that he has become much happier to interrupt and gets at me for what he describes as interrupting, but he does it too. I'm quite happy to have the rapid to and fro and finishing the other's sentence and agreeing with a point as it's being made, but he feels that's rude. Whilst not noticing he also interrupts. It's actually very annoying and we've had a few arguments about it.

Exactly!

I think the art of conversation is dying somewhat on both sides. So many people just talk at others without pausing to allow them to contribute, and it's really tedious being on the receiving end of it. Social media and podcasts have people convinced that dragged out monologues are a normal way to speak now.

Interrupting is rude, yes. But sometimes it is the only way to actually be involved in a conversation.

Really interesting point! I hadn’t seen it that way before. But, also as a working-class child and now a middle-class adult, I think you’re right. A generalisation, obviously, but I think a fair one.

Ask them questions, with genuine interest, and listen to their answers. It’s really not that hard. The alternatives are not silence or you monologuing!

Thing is….some people just don't shut up. If you don’t butt in, you stay silent.

Yes I totally agree with you. Just lately I'm getting totally fed up with people interrupting. I'll be sitting chatting to someone,then someone who knows the person I'm chatting to approaches us,and instead of waiting until we stop talking,they just butt in and talk over us. Drives me mad.

Well before Covid - about 40 years before 😂 - I trained myself to interrupt, because I was serious about my career and suffering from Unheard Woman Syndrome.

Then my career filled up with cocaine, which meant I had to interrupt even more!

I've no intention of stopping now. I was brought up to converse properly, like batting a ball around the group, and that is still my favourite occupation after sleeping. It only works if everyone's playing, though, and few do. No way am I inflicting Silent Woman Syndrome on my paltry social life these days!

I've found the only people who get really offended at interruptions are the most offensive conversationalists - you know, those who reply to your "I was thinking of going to Malta .." with a lengthy monologue on their last holiday destination, which is nowhere near Malta (bonus points if they can get Economic Migrants and Small Boats in with it).

Anyway, you were saying ...? 😏

It's called overlapping- if it's a genuine back and forth. It's a conversational style but doesn't work well if both people aren't doing it. And it's not overlapping if you're interrupted and the interrupted starts talking about something else, or what they say doesn't relate to what you were saying - that's rude.

Dh has a real bugbear about being talked over but I am from an overlapping family where we finish each others sentences and then extend the thought. I have to try in conversation with him and I'm sure I don't always do well.

*the interrupter starts talking about something else

I interrupt. I don’t mean to. It took me nearly to adulthood to overcome shyness so severe I could hardly talk, and I find it hard to judge when it’s my turn to talk, especially once I start feeling self conscious. I’m not interrupting because I’m not interested, but because I am interested and don’t want you to think I don’t want to engage- I feel compelled to join in but panic and do it wrong. I promise I do try not to interrupt, but I just don’t always have the skills to judge.
i am aware it seems rude, but so did being paralysed by shyness and not speaking. I definitely feel I’m getting better though!
im not sure why you’re finding it more prevalent now- maybe wfh/ COVID/ communication by text mean more people have sunk to my level?

True, but there's a multitude of non-verbal and semi-verbal options!

The Booming Bloviator's already shown zero social awareness, so your annoyance will be lost on the offender, but at least you can gather a tribe and get a chuckle.

I totally get it. I used to say to him maybe we should have a talking stick like the French and Saunders skit. 🙄 It makes informal conversation so stilted. It’s not the same as someone interrupting you to talk about something completely different, like a friend of mine used to do and that was bloody annoying.

yes fair, but I'm not one of those people. I'm the largely silent /listening person, and then when I do start talking I get 'cooperatively interrupted' ....

Im a terrible interrupter. Usually remember to apologise for it but annoy myself.