to wonder if I'm out of touch with conversational norms?

[Thisisntthowisawthisgoing]

I've noticed more and more that people are regularly interrupting or speaking over each other. Is this now the accepted norm?

In my upbringing, interrupting was considered rude, except for minor interruptions like a quick “mm-hmm” or “I know what you mean” that still allowed the original speaker to finish. Polite interruptions might happen for safety (“watch your step”) or could be smoothed over by looping back (“Sorry, Sandra, you were saying…”). Otherwise, you waited for the other person to finish.

Recently, though, I’ve found people just can’t seem to wait their turn. They’ll either completely talk over the speaker or take over with an “Oh, I know what you mean” and then carry on. I haven't noticed others being outwardly bothered by it, but I often leave these conversations feeling a bit deflated. It feels discourteous, and I end up hesitant to speak, wondering if I’m being dull or just not worth listening to.

I tried addressing this with friends by saying, “Sorry, I was talking, could I finish?” and was called out for being rude and “causing an atmosphere.” It wasn’t my intention, but it made me wonder—has interrupting become acceptable, and calling it out is now considered the rude bit?

Do I need to update my expectations of how conversations work these days?

I have a colleague who monologues endlessly and you are forced to interrupt them in order to get your input in. I am constantly having to ask, "May I share my thoughts, May I interject for a moment, etc etc." It's exhausting, honestly, and I feel badly that I dread talking to them because they are an otherwise lovely person.

I thought that conversation was like a tennis rally with no breaks in it. I have always tended to join in while someone was speaking so we can both talk in overlapping sections like a relay race. If I don't start talking while the other person is finishing then I never get a word in at all.

In response to the monologues questions...my DH does this a lot. I may be guilty of telling a lengthy story on the odd occasion, but I think I'm too aware of how annoying it can be to let myself do it regularly. I will try and keep that in my brain next time and see if that's definitely the case or if I'm not being honest with myself and I need to zip it.

Also about not getting a word in edgewise, I can completely understand that. I genuinely make an effort to always end my part of the talking with a question, or 'invite someone in' to the chat sort of thing as I find it very annoying to have no opportunity to join the chat. I realised a few years ago I had a bad habit of always bringing the chat back to being about me, so that's also something I actively try to avoid.

I think people in general are less polite and more impatient. I worked with someone who did it a lot, it was maddening because I could be having a discussion with someone else then we'd just lose the thread. I ended up telling her she was rude and she said she didn't realise she was doing it. I didn't believe her.
It doesn't help that it happens all the time on tv, nobody ever gets chance to get their point across in discussion programmes.

Isn't it called having a conversation rather than listening to one person speak?

I have indeed noticed a difference and there are a few things I've noticed that I think contribute:

• Rise of working from home and Zoom / Teams meetings. It's much harder not to accidentally interrupt on these and most people leading meetings are really reluctant to use the hands up feature and want people just to "jump in" if they have a question or anything to say.

When you're not with someone in person its harder to get those cues they're about to speak and so there's a lot of pauses then several people accidentally speaking at once. At first this came with "oh sorry no you go no you first" but I think as people started to get used to it, one person would just carry on talking to speed things up.

That made it feel more familiar for people to be interrupted and so became less of a social faux pas.

• People communicate a lot more with voice notes saying monologues at each other, going on big tangents. They each reply to several points in a row and it reminds me of my childhood writing letters and going through each point made to respond to it. This monologue style makes "normal" conversations a lot more difficult and it's more tempting to interrupt as otherwise people will quite literally go on interrupted for half an hour.

• Rise in ADHD diagnosis, of which one of the symptoms is interrupting others. I have ADHD myself and so I do not deny it exists and I don't even think it's necessarily overdiagnosed. I do however feel that people are much happier nowadays to say "I'm like this because of x. It's the way I am and there's nothing I can do."

It does take me effort not to interrupt, especially if I'm tired. The mental effort required in focusing, remembering not to interrupt or drone on too much does drain me and is a big part of my struggles socially. However because I'm constantly aware of this, I do tend to notice I'm doing it and either apologise or make an effort to course correct by asking them a question and purposefully staying quiet.

I feel the rise of diagnosis has led a lot of people to feel they no longer need to attempt to curb this behaviour as it's part "who they are".

• Men specifically interrupt women a lot. I believe sexism (especially with the Andrew Tate culture) is increasing again and with it so do behaviours like this.

@stayathomer I don't think that's rude though, sometimes it's easy to think a person has finished when they pause. Apologising for interrupting is good manners and I wouldn't think badly of you if it happened. Completely different from when people just barge in regardless!

Yanbu, being interrupted is one of my pet peeves, everyone seems to do it and I've noticed sometimes multiple people do it at once and almost shout and I have no idea which way the conversation is going. I don't even talk that much, I'm usually the 'listener' but now I just find conversations draining because unless you're willing to shout and be rude it seems you don't have a voice.

I find conversations styles odd these days. It's hard to know who is being rude, if anyone.

I have wondered if it is due to more online interactions, less time spent with real people? But I am not sure.

My husband thinks I interrupt. But he makes these long pauses, and I think he is really done, even knowing that I need to wait for his pauses! But I find his whole family's conversational style very odd, completely at odds with my family (he feels the same in the opposite direction.)

I hate TV interviews and panels of guests where they’re talking over each other , it’s exhausting, rude and ignorant.

Fake example as I can't remember exactly what we were saying but this is the jist of it....

Friend A: 'So that's how we decided on Malta...' (looks around at everyone)
Me: ' Oo I've never been...what time of...'
Friend B: 'You can do a boat trip! I'd absolutely recommend a boat trip, you want to head to Valetta and hire a boat. You can get one with a skipper, they do lunch for you and everything. It's really the only way to see the island properly. What time of year are you planning to go?'
Me: 'I was about to ask that too.'

Wish I'd taken more notice and had examples, but it feels far more stuff like that rather than a time where I'm talking/monologuing and people interrupt just to have a chance to speak.

I'm not saying you do this, but I'm increasingly finding people in customer services interrupting me, the customer, which I find incredibly rude. Particularly when it's just to repeat something I already know / have already been told and is of no help whatsoever in solving my problem.

I'm a chronic interrupter, I appreciate being gently reined in. I'm working really really hard on not doing it.
A major problem for me is most people speeeaak sooooo slowwwwlyyy. Go put a youtube video on half speed or even slower and that's what normal conversation sounds like for me unless I'm speaking with someone who speaks as fast as I do! I often play voicenotes and YouTube videos on double speed.
People's attention spans are fucked basically.

As someone who has been frequently interrupted their whole life, this isn’t a new thing. I don’t bother much to attempt conversation these days, other than with the people I live with. And they often interrupt me too!

My ex used to talk non stop, no one could get a word in so I used to interrupt him.

In general I don't interrupt unless they've been droning on and I'm bored and want to change the subject.

I spend all day on the phone and the amount of children talking away to their parent whilst they're on the phone...
I would have tried it once and got a glare and "I'm on the PHONE, shut up"

@CherryBlossom321 this is my go to tbh, I often don't bother trying to 'fight' for the attention. I go in to social situations planning to say as little as possible as I'd rather not have to jostle for the right to be heard. But then that makes me feel a bit downhearted and like I'd actually rather not go at all. Life would be extremely isolating and dull if I gave into that thought all the time. So maybe going but being a listener around the table would be better than quietly raging at the rudeness, or being rude myself by calling people out for being the ones who interrupted!

I'm so strict on teaching my kids not to interrupt. We do the Bluey hack where they come and put their hand on my arm if they need me. However then I spend time with others who interrupt so frequently and I wonder if I'm just setting my children up for a lifetime of being talked over because I've taught them manners and instead I should just let them fight their corners because that's what the majority of others seem to do. Unlikely to actually follow through on that one 😂 but it has crossed my mind!!

It's a post covid thing, I think. I really noticed I was doing it when we were released back into society. I live by myself, so went for months on end without any in person conversations and just lost the ability. I found I was hogging conversations and talking over people, I think because I just hadn't spoken enough for too long.
It's a bad habit that's hard to shake off.

I wonder if it's to do with how life, i formation is sent to us quickly, we consume it quickly we move onto the next thing quickly. I find that alot. People want to say something and people csnt wait u til they have finished they want to quickly say what they have to say then move o to the next point.

@Spectre8 yes I think you're probably right. Attention spans have taken a hit so for some people waiting for someone to finish speaking is too long. Also would explain some of the not listening. Kind of the same as having the tv on but also scrolling on your phone. Just focussing on one thing is a skill, and not everyone is practicing it.

Yes, I think it is related to this. I would argue that it is the influence of the smart phone, the instant information is available and humans are not wired like that so some people's instinct is to speed these moments up.

@Lemonyfuckit I feel the same. I actually dread calling places because I feel I get interrupted before I can get the important details out. And once they do interrupt they start rattling off information or responding to something that I'm not actually saying.

An even more subtle example is:

"I'm calling to check if my prescription has arrived. I requested it yesterday as an-"

"Well prescriptions take 48 hours so if you need it before that then you needed to request as an emergency prescription."

"Yes sorry I know. I spoke with Linda and she said that it was put through as an emergency and-"

"What item is it?"

"Well I am usually prescribed 100mg of Pickmeup but-"

"There's no Pickmeup here."

"They said there's a shortage of Pickmeup so the GP might prescribe a different brand but didn't say which."

"Oh... (sighs) Yes it's here."

Like is that a normal conversation? I get that they have to deal with people taking ten minutes to tell a big long story but:

"Hi I'm calling to check if my prescription has arrived. I ordered it on yesterday as an emergency. I usually get 100mg of Pickmeup but because of the shortage they said it might be another brand"

would take less than ten seconds to say and the whole interaction would feel a lot less aggressive. It is really jarring not to be given even a few seconds to explain a situation before getting bulldozed.

This happens to me all the time! I can be several words into a comment/question having listened politely, then someone else starts speaking over me. I find it so frustrating, especially when they say exactly what I was about to say.

Another example is when there's a lull in the conversation so I open a new topic which is then completely hijacked by someone else:
Me: 'So, DH and I had a lovely day out on Saturday. We got the train up to London and went to that new..........'
Friend: 'Oh we went to London last week too! We had theatre tickets blah blah blah', and then goes on for several minutes about her day out.

Are you quietly spoken OP? I am, and I think this may be part of the problem. I can't imagine speaking over some of friends/family (even if wanted to interupt) who have loud voices!

I've definitely noticed an increase in what you describe. Also monologuing, and conversational habits such as responding to a personal anecdote (even a serious or upsetting one) with a similar experience of one's own immediately, without even acknowledging the former. To me this is rude but apparently now it is normal and a way of 'showing empathy' because it shows you have at least understood even if it shows no interest in hearing anything further about it or expressing any opinion, comfort or advice.

I wondered if it was cultural as I have moved to a new area of the UK but perhaps not. I can confirm I am definitely not a monologuer myself as I am very aware of this behaviour from family.

Conversation like this seems to be talking at each other when there is a gap and it's quite tedious. Just an exchange of data

I’m not quietly spoken but this happens to me all the time! I even got negative feedback in a previous role because I didn’t “chip in” (interrupt people!) and didn’t demonstrate I could hold my own in a conversation.
I think it’s really bloody rude but ‘work me’ has learned to interrupt, talk over people and keep going until I’ve finished my point. I hate it but needs must and no one else seems offended! I think we are a dying breed @Thisisntthowisawthisgoing