to wonder if I'm out of touch with conversational norms?

[Thisisntthowisawthisgoing]

I've noticed more and more that people are regularly interrupting or speaking over each other. Is this now the accepted norm?

In my upbringing, interrupting was considered rude, except for minor interruptions like a quick “mm-hmm” or “I know what you mean” that still allowed the original speaker to finish. Polite interruptions might happen for safety (“watch your step”) or could be smoothed over by looping back (“Sorry, Sandra, you were saying…”). Otherwise, you waited for the other person to finish.

Recently, though, I’ve found people just can’t seem to wait their turn. They’ll either completely talk over the speaker or take over with an “Oh, I know what you mean” and then carry on. I haven't noticed others being outwardly bothered by it, but I often leave these conversations feeling a bit deflated. It feels discourteous, and I end up hesitant to speak, wondering if I’m being dull or just not worth listening to.

I tried addressing this with friends by saying, “Sorry, I was talking, could I finish?” and was called out for being rude and “causing an atmosphere.” It wasn’t my intention, but it made me wonder—has interrupting become acceptable, and calling it out is now considered the rude bit?

Do I need to update my expectations of how conversations work these days?

It’s not possible to know without knowing you whether you’re an endless monologuer where the alternatives are interruption or total silence for long periods, or whether you’re surrounded by people who can’t listen to three consecutive sentences without breaking in.

However, your responses on here do sound a little Little Miss Manners-ish, and passive-aggressive, especially the emphasis on your upbringing, the efforts you’ve gone to to teach your children not to interrupt, and your weary insistence that you go out socially determined to say as little as possible because you don’t want to ‘jostle for the right to be heard’ and the ‘Can I finish, Sandra?’ — this all sounds to me as if you have a rigid idea of conversational norms, and get cross when other people break your internalised code of manners. Is it possible that you simply lack fluency in conversational terms if you really experience social occasions as a ‘jostle’ to be heard? Like a driver who hesitates unduly long before making a turn…?

Or are you not that interested in what is being said by others? Because if I were mapping ‘airtime’ and interruptions as you seem to be doing, it would mean I was generally bored by the conversation. If I’m interested in what’s being said, I’ll be asking questions to elicit more information from the speaker/s, eg someone is talking about being blind-auditioned for an orchestra seat, and I might interrupt with ‘How is that actually done these days? How do they actually screen you off from the panel?’ but I’m interrupting because I want to imagine more fully what they’re talking about…?

I've also noticed how people all or talk about something they want to, once they are done they ask how you are....you start to respond and before you can sya much they cut you off with that's great but I have to go now. Makes you feel a bit used, they only called to get their information off their chest and that's it

It's always been very rude to call someone out for a lack of manners.

I remember a story told me about how someone was dining at a duke's table and drank the water in the finger bowl (which is actually for washing your hands). The story goes that the duke copied immediately.

The point of the story was that manners are there to help make everyone more comfortable.

If you are calling people out on their lack of manners (interrupting, etc) then you are being much ruder than they are. You are effectively telling them off in public which isn't on.

So yes, if someone interrupted you and you called them out on it you are the rude one.

Why is it now ruder to point out that someone else has been rude than the person being rude in the first place?
I'm autistic and prone to getting over excited at times in conversations and can interrupt. But over the years of people pointing it out to me I do it far less often
And if I notice myself doing it I apologise and let them carry on. I don't feel "shamed" for it.
Obviously there might be nicer ways of pointing it out than just "can I finish?", but why should someone have to try and avoid being rude if the other person is already being rude? Maybe the person pointing it out isn't being rude, maybe they're autistic and come across more blunt than they think they are. I often struggle with my tone at times and I genuinely don't mean it how it apparently sounds. But again if it's pointed out I apologise and explain I didn't meant it that way.
Not every instance of pointing out a bad thing is "shaming". I am forever thankful to all my friends and family and even strangers over the years who helped stop me doing bad/rude/antisocial behaviours.

To be clear, I'm referring to conversation between friends, not at work or formal polite conversation (e.g. with people you don't know well/at a wedding etc)

Fact is, friends speak enthusiastically. I find it reeeeeally weird when (uptight) people get upset by this. It's so awkward. Natural conversation takes turns, but with massive overlaps. I don't mind being spoken over and find it so offputting when someone goes all cat's-bum-face over someone mildly speaking over them.

Of course, nobody wants to be cut off and constantly shouted down, but overlapping conversational turns is a normal feature of intimate speech.

I went on a first date last night and the man could not stop interrupting me. He would ask a question then literally get bored of my trying to answer it. He obviously didn't care about what I had to say and just wanted to get back to him talking (about himself).

Massive ick.

Your kids' voices matter, and they have a right to be heard.

With person B I'd wonder if their hearing is going. I've had times with family members who don't realise someone else is already talking because they can't hear them which can be really awkward for the person they talk over.

Or is it a mean situation. Person B just wants to spend time with person A and they sort of tolerate you while at the same time acting like you're not actually there.

Honestly, that story is apocryphal, and has been told about pretty much every royal from Victoria on, to make some kind of point about noblesse oblige, true gentility is nice to the lower orders etc etc, but I take your point about, if we’re valuing ‘manners’, it being poor form to call someone out on theirs in public.

(Though I suppose, strictly speaking, the finger bowls are a point of dining etiquette rather than ‘manners’ — no one is harmed by the misuse of finger bowls or passing the port the wrong way…)

But yes, if the goal is having a pleasant evening with your friends, saying ‘Sorry, can I finish? I was speaking’ isn’t going to make the conversation go with a flow.

Did you quote the wrong poster? I never mentioned children.

And I agree with your point about informal conversational overlapping.

@Octavia64 that's very interesting, thanks for sharing that story about the Duke.

The 'can I finish?' tactic is one I tried for the first time very recently after years of feeling like I'm regularly spoken over (particularly with my family and one group of long term friends), and afterwards it was called out as rude. However, just to me rather than in the moment. Much more subtle as you say. Certainly something to think on. I should probably have spoken to the individuals personally, or brought it up to the group as a whole at an opportune moment. Felt rather confrontational which I tend to shy from. By saying 'Hey I was talking!' I kind of felt like I was sticking up for myself really rather than being a doormat and letting people speak over the top of me like I was completely invisible/irrelevant. But yes, can see when you lay it out like that that that would have the potential to make someone feel embarrassed and therefore others awkward. Which is what was said to me by the friends as well.

Some people are just rude - I have some friends who regularly do this and many who listen and wait their turn. The ones who interrupt are a bit self-absorbed and like to talk about themselves, the others prefer to observe. I come down very strongly on my kids when they interrupt as it's just basic manners IMO but I do think basic manners in society are dying out.

I do interrupt sometimes but quickly try and turn it back to the speaker as I know it’s rude.

The problem is some people who speak just go on so much (SiL I’m looking at you).

@PaperSheet I'm with you! So often things which other people seem to naturally understand, or subtle rules they inherently understand go right over my head. Then when I ask for people to explain them the atmosphere feels awkward. But I like to learn and understand!! That was a large reason behind this thread, I wanted to check that my understanding of how conversations work wasn't actually outdated and whether I need to update my expectations. @OwlishPeering that was why I brought up my upbringing I suppose, to explain where the understanding came from (funnily enough I rewrote that bit a few times as I wasn't sure it was the right way to word it even when I sent it) and why I started the thread in the first place. Asking whether or not I need to update my assumptions does rather suggest a lack of rigidity, or at least an intention to be more flexible, rather than the opposite no?

I have been told I am good listener so I don't think I am an interrupter in general. There are times however when I am aware I am doing so. Usually it's just with mates and they'll say "Oh Bog, you haven't talked to an adult all day, have you?".

I WFH and there are days when I don't speak to anyone until the evening.
I have a couple of relatives that I interrupt because honestly, they do not stop for breath!

It's happened more since covid and wfh I feel, eye contact is worse as well.

But generally speaking, although you're annoyed by it, it's actually a positive. People typically only interrupt people they feel comfortable around.

There are different conversational styles.

Deborah Tannen did a lot if research into this and wrote a very good book - called you just don't understand.

One of her interesting findings was the people from different areas of the US have different length of pauses they allow before starting speaking. So a person from area A in conversation with someone from area B then one side will always feel interrupted (why do they keep starting talking when I'm not finished) while the other side will feel aggrieved (why do they keep leaving a long pause to signal they have finished but then talk over me?)

In addition, in formal situations interrupting etc is not considered polite, but for many cultures, with family and friends then overlapping and interrupting is normal.

buildingbridgesleadership.com/2023/08/08/what-is-cooperative-overlap-isnt-it-just-interrupting/

See this article.

They probably think that you are being unfriendly and overly formal.

I think conversations have changed. I grew up in a busy family and am one of 6 children. We all talk very quickly, and I realised as a young teen that we were all very loud to get ourselves heard. I have worked very hard at the volume but can still talk very fast.

In saying that, I am quite consice, I say what needs to be said but without lots of additional waffle. In meetings when I have finished speaking there is sometimes a pause....which makes me think that people are waiting for me to finish or are thinking about what I have said. My insecurity tells me that they are waiting for me to add other information which I don't have. Have started to close off my bit by asking for questions or if additional information is needed.

I have noticed that people monologue now, lots of waffle, 'umming' and pontificating which drives me nuts. Everyone sounds like they are in slow motion to me. My boss in particular talks endlessly and monopolises conversation (I chaired a meeting last week that normally takes an hour, I had it done in half the time). Subsequently I find myself interrupting more, mainly to prevent myself from zoning out and either agree or say sorry can I just ask a question about that point. I know that I am doing it and do apologise but other people don't seem to realise when they have been banging on for ages with no actual point being made.

Generally I don’t find people I know to be bad with this, with the exception of one of my closest friends. She does it all the time and I find it INFURIATING.
Shes really easy going and in the past I have pointed it out to her, saying things like “right can I just finish my story?” or “let me just finish this if that’s okay” and when I do say this she always apologises immediately and lets me continue. However it would be nice if she just didn’t interrupt in the first place!

Examples can be things like:
Me: “you won’t believe what Amy said to me earlier about-“
Her: “omg yes I saw her and she told me that…”

Me: “I was watching Corrie last night and something happened that reminded me-“
Her: “Oo I keep meaning to tell you about a new series I’ve been watching called…”

Me: “I got this really weird email before and I think it’s a scam-“
Her: “speaking of scams my mum got this call…”

I find it so irritating because when she does it, it just makes me feel a bit like crap, like nothing I say is interesting or important. I think it’s a really bad quality for someone to have!

One of my coworkers used to close her eyes and monologue even if you were just asking for a pen. Could be anything from her new washing basket to a terrible illness 20 years ago.

My family are all quite polite and well-spoken, dinners with my siblings and parents usually have one person speaking at a time and somebody asking them how their work is or how their holiday was. All fine. No issues, we all love each other and dinner is very calm.
DH's family all talk over each other and jump in with relevant points when somebody's talking and laugh and chat across the table all at once. It's also fine, and joyful and friendly and full of life. I actually prefer dinner with his family usually. It's not rude, it's just more informal.

OP, I think you are my spirit animal. I could not agree with you more. I despise this kind of behaviour. People are even doing it mid-sentence now!

I called someone out on it recently. Like you, I had the experience of someone else trying to prevent an “atmosphere” (she started saying “Maybe we’ve all had a little bit too much to drink and things are getting heated” 🙄), but actually to the credit of the woman who’d kept interrupting, she accepted she’d done it and apologised.

If someone does it the first time I meet them, it’s a permanent black mark. I’ll be polite, but they’ll never be a friend.

Interrupting mid-sentence is not having a conversation. It’s deciding what YOU have to say is more important and cannot wait.

Maybe it’s the tinternet. People can’t wait.