Made to feel unimportant on my birthday

[Patheticbirthday]

I'm prepared to be told I'm being too sensitive but 2 weeks ago it was my birthday and after having a rough year was looking forward to being a teeny bit spoilt. I wasn't looking for anything much just a nice breakfast, a little token gift (or the item I bought cheaply on vinted wrapped and given to me) and a day where I wasn't responsible for cooking, planning, cleaning and life admin.

It started positively with my husband bringing me a cup of coffee and a card including one from our youngest adult child who is away at uni. Our eldest daughter who is in her mid 20s and still at home didn't wake until mid morning and brought me a home made card using printer paper that wouldn't even stand-up -think badly executed primary school project rather than craft fayre. Fair enough- I was gracious and said thank you, it's lovely.

Husband asked what I wanted for breakfast but followed it up with we were out of bread but he'd go out if I wanted him to get something. This irritated me somewhat given we live a 15 minute drive each way from the nearest convenience store and clearly showed no planning/ thought. I said I was fine with coffee as preferred to be together and assumed I would have a gift or two to open especially as my daughter had been seeing friends in London for the week before so had easy access to excellent shops. They made themselves cereal and could barely make any conversation before they left me alone in the lounge.

By midday I was was feeling so hurt that clearly nothing special had been arranged (although I later saw that they had made some cookies earlier in the week when I had been out and whilst a nice gesture showed absolute disregard for my very recent diabetes diagnosis and me desperately trying to adjust my diet). I ended up sorting washing as they had over filled the laundry basket without even vaguely considering taking it to the washing machine! I then sorted some life admin tasks- finances and insurance etc. By 2 o'clock I had been sat on my own for 2 hours with nothing to eat all day so made myself some cheese and crackers and had a little cry at how pathetic my birthday had turned out. I'm not proud of what I did next but I went to my daughters bedroom where they were laughing playing computer games and could not resist using some choice words saying I'd remember their actions on their birthday and not arrange the usual days of celebrations often involving expensive shopping trips, breakfast out, family parties, trips to nice places and surprise gifts.

I then went to my bedroom, cried, watched TV, treated myself to some bits on vinted, and felt totally dejected pretending to my friends and family who were messaging me happy birthday that I was having a lovely birthday. I didn't have a single gift to open (parents gave me some money and friends have arranged a trip to the theatre/meal out). I assumed my husband and daughter would soon appear at the door to say sorry we messed up, we love you, give us an hour to gather a few things and let's restart your birthday but no absolutely nothing. The day before I had done a shop and my husband made dinner using the things I'd purchased asking if I wanted any. However it was a roast dinner which is something I rarely have and not in keeping with my very determined healthy eating plan where I like potatoes baked and veggies steamed not dripping in fat. Given it was near 7pm I was getting more upset (& sadly sulky) and declined. I know it's not nice to sulk but all I needed was an apology and some recognition that they had made me feel totally unimportant and lonely on my birthday after a really tough year. Since then they have barely spoken to me. I thought I was important to my family but now it feels like my importance is only as the cleaner, cook and organiser. It seems such a trival thing to ignite a lot of big feelings including questioning what I previously thought was a happy marriage.

I sorry that you had a rubbish day. But I don't understand why there wasn't a conversation in advance about what you were going to do on the day?

Had you said explicitly that you wanted a surprise?

Surely you would have booked somewhere for lunch or dinner before the day?

You don't help yourself really though- your husband asked if you wanted him to get you something from the shop and you acted the martyr instead?

Hmm. Was it a big zero birthday? I must admit as an adult I wouldn't expect lots of presents and surprises.

I expect from DH a happy birthday, a card, a cup of tea in bed, and then I'll usually say we're having my favourite take away.

It sounds like you did get a few cards, offered homemade cookies and a roast, but unfortunately they'd not considered it might not be healthy enough food.

I don't this having a go at them or a sulk was a good way to get an apology tbh.

Also why couldn't you break your diet for one day seeing as it's your birthday? It's so contradictory- you wanted something special but also didn't

This is the reason you have language and can communicate your wishes in advance, surely?

Ah, that's not nice.

DH isn't one for grand gestures, but I always get something to open and a bit of a fuss and usually a take away for dinner.

I am not sure what I would do. You have told them how you feel and no apology or explanation has been forthcoming.

I think I would have a soak in the bath, have an early night in bed, then take myself out tomorrow for the day and treat myself to the cinema or theatre and a meal.

I wouldn't be worrying about their laundry for the foreseeable future either.

Edited to say just realised you said it all happened two weeks ago and they still aren't talking to you. Definitely would not be doing their laundry!

This couldn't have been the fist time they did it, surely. It sucks but I wonder how they normally organise anything for your birthday. I'd you are usually the one doing all the heavy lifting and this year you decided to leave it up to them without communicating it, then you set them up to fail..
I guess you have two options now. Either carry out your threat and stop making any effort for their birthdays or set clear expectations with them for what you want your day to look like.
My partner always asks me a few weeks before my birthday what I would like to do. Sometimes I say I don't want any fuss, sometimes I say I want him to surprise me. If I said I don't want any fuss, there won't be any fuss so I definitely don't say it unless I mean it. Did you happen to have a similar conversation with your family?

Thanks Dishwashersaurous
It wasn't that I wanted a surprise or a big event or even to go out for a meal. For either of them to have bought a teeny gift, some croissants for breakfast, to have initiated some chat or to have suggested we all go to the cinema etc would have been absolutely wonderful. I had low expectations.

I hear you OP, and am SO sorry that your birthday turned out to be shit! Sadly, it seems that so many people, including our own family members are incredibly selfish, and give no thought to anyone but themselves and their own wants, and needs. I'm lucky in that I have a wonderful DH, who has learned to be very thoughtful about my birthdays, although I did have to teach him in the early days, as his family weren't really into being thoughtful around birthdays. However, my grandkids are growing up to be just like this, and I think that unless parents begin to make a stand, like you did, then in years to come birthday treats will, like so many things, become a thing of the past.

Having said that though, it does sound a little bit like you didn't raise the subject of your birthday with the family at all beforehand, so for future reference, I think you need to make a big thing of it next year. Start reminding them at least 6 weeks before that your birthday is coming up, and that unlike this year, you expect them to spoil you, and show how much they love and appreciate you. You could even go further, and do some online window shopping, making a list of things that you'd like, and giving them links, so that they know they're going to get it right. Then about a week beforehand, another reminder, and check with your DH that he has made some plans for a nice meal out, theatre, whatever floats your boat, hasn't he??? If you still don't get the birthday that you'd like, then dump the lot of them!

YANBU @Patheticbirthday and I would feel really hurt by the lack of effort. I think your plan to give them the same treatment back will hit home if you follow through on it.

I'm sorry OP. It definitely would have been nice to get a gift of some kind. To have nothing isn't nice at all. There were some offers there but you declined them all? Why not just speak up and communicate instead of sulking? Or order yourself something nice for dinner. You're all grown ups.

But if cookies and a roast weren’t too your taste as too calorific then I don’t think you would have been impressed with croissants.

i do understand your disappointment to an extent- however you do seem difficult to please.

Is you didn't want cookies or a roast surely croissants wouldn't have been diet friendly either?

Really? So instead of the DH thinking in advance about having a few nice things in for breakfast, it's all a knee-jerk afterthought on the day.

Why do people have such a low bar for men, so they're utterly useless by design,

Mumsnet is fucking weird about stuff like this OP, and apparently you’re unreasonable if you want to be made a fuss of on your birthday.

But I disagree. Every year I make a fuss of my loved ones on their birthdays, and every year it’s either not reciprocated, or with minimal effort. Every year it stings. And no, you shouldn’t have to spell it out to your loved ones. It’s not expecting too much for them to get you a card, to make or buy you a thoughtful gift according to finances, and make you feel loved and seen on your birthday.

And it’s this isn’t it, ultimately? Not feeling seen?

Well I see you. Happy birthday for two weeks ago. I hope this year brings you everything you wish for and all that you need.

Wow. You sound completely overdramatic. What is the norm for birthdays in your house? If you were expecting something different to previous years you should have communicated it. For our birthdays we discuss in advance if there's a restaurant we'd like to book, gift we'd like etc. I'm not one for 'surprises' and 'spoiling'. Yuk. Usually I end up booking the restaurant, it's hardly a big deal.

And nobody forced you to do 'life admin' on your birthday fgs. That was a choice, probably an attempt to guilt your family into feeling bad.

You moaned when your husband asked what you wanted and that he would go to the shop to get whatever you wanted for breakfast, you were miserable about your daughter’s “badly executed primary school project” of a card, you chose to do the laundry, sort insurance and sort finances out and then moaned about it because you’re such a martyr and then weren’t happy with the dinner offer.

You can’t say you would have been happy with a croissant when you weren’t happy about the cookies or the roast!

I don't understand all the moping around the house and crying because you're "on your own". Either get dressed and do something on your own or tell your husband you want to go out for a birthday lunch (or whatever you find enjoyable).

Sure, it would have been nice if they'd put in a bit more effort, but no sense in making yourself more miserable by sulking, having a tantrum and playing the martyr.

When this blows over have a conversation with your husband about what would make your birthday feel special to you. People aren't mind readers; you need to speak up.

They weren't great but you didn't help yourself. I wouldn't get croissants for someone who won't eat a roast as it breaks their diet of steamed vegetables. Croissants are also quite high in sugar so if you would eat one of those you can easily eat a cookie. You also chose to do "life admin" that day instead of doing anything more exciting. Also pretty unreasonable to be upset your daughter didn't get up to mid morning on a weekend. The rest of it though, they should have put more effort in but I would ignore somebody sulking to.

@Patheticbirthday I can totally see why that’s crap. I’m wondering what usually happens for your birthday. I agree that it really sucks if you always organise a thoughtful birthday for other people but they don’t do it for you.

I think it’s easy for people to say “oh I don’t think birthdays are a big deal” but sometimes the reality is that if you didn’t do anything for them they’d be pissed off.

Having said that, I am starting to feel quite out of touch or maybe that’s just MN. If your family don’t care if anything happens on their birthday, then I guess it’s a bit different. I wouldn’t want to say to somebody “please organise this for my birthday”. But equally you should not be doing that for them if they don’t care enough to reciprocate.

Also, I am wondering if this has really gone on for two weeks? Or is it just normal in your house for things to be like this and you are linking it to your birthday and they’ve forgotten about it?

Fuckem. I hate birthdays. I no longer make any effort for my families birthdays as they do nothing for mine.

YANBU. The bar is so low on here. A cup of tea in bed? My husband and I do this for each other every day depending who is up first. It was my 40th this week and my husband got me presents and cards. We normally go out for the day but this year we went on a city break!

However - we ask each other what the plan is in advance. I think we booked the city break in June. I not sure I could or would wait until lunchtime on the day without asking what he'd planned.

As on every single other thread like this I just want to ask why people don’t discuss these things in advance. It’s not that relatives or spouses should need spoon feeding and my bar for men is perfectly healthy and high but if you know what you want then bloody well say so. People aren’t mind readers.

You didn’t like what any of them did, some of your criticisms are mad. Croissants are okay but roast potatoes aren’t? Come on.

You should have had something to open. That wasn’t okay and would have been hurtful. But the rest of it is pretty dismal. If you don’t want to do laundry on your birthday then don’t. Doing it as a form of guilt tripping unappreciative relatives is so daft.

The issue is that the OP made the worst of her own birthday by (having said all she wanted was a card, a token gift and a day when she didn’t need to think about cooking, planning, cleaning, and life admin) criticising the substandard card from her DD, rejecting her husband’s offer of going to get her something for breakfast, the cookies he and her DD had made and the dinner her DH was making, and spending the day doing laundry and arranging insurance.

The gift thing, yes. Very selfish of them. The rest of it sounds daft and like you're unnecessarily spiting yourself all the time.