Made to feel unimportant on my birthday

[Patheticbirthday]

I'm prepared to be told I'm being too sensitive but 2 weeks ago it was my birthday and after having a rough year was looking forward to being a teeny bit spoilt. I wasn't looking for anything much just a nice breakfast, a little token gift (or the item I bought cheaply on vinted wrapped and given to me) and a day where I wasn't responsible for cooking, planning, cleaning and life admin.

It started positively with my husband bringing me a cup of coffee and a card including one from our youngest adult child who is away at uni. Our eldest daughter who is in her mid 20s and still at home didn't wake until mid morning and brought me a home made card using printer paper that wouldn't even stand-up -think badly executed primary school project rather than craft fayre. Fair enough- I was gracious and said thank you, it's lovely.

Husband asked what I wanted for breakfast but followed it up with we were out of bread but he'd go out if I wanted him to get something. This irritated me somewhat given we live a 15 minute drive each way from the nearest convenience store and clearly showed no planning/ thought. I said I was fine with coffee as preferred to be together and assumed I would have a gift or two to open especially as my daughter had been seeing friends in London for the week before so had easy access to excellent shops. They made themselves cereal and could barely make any conversation before they left me alone in the lounge.

By midday I was was feeling so hurt that clearly nothing special had been arranged (although I later saw that they had made some cookies earlier in the week when I had been out and whilst a nice gesture showed absolute disregard for my very recent diabetes diagnosis and me desperately trying to adjust my diet). I ended up sorting washing as they had over filled the laundry basket without even vaguely considering taking it to the washing machine! I then sorted some life admin tasks- finances and insurance etc. By 2 o'clock I had been sat on my own for 2 hours with nothing to eat all day so made myself some cheese and crackers and had a little cry at how pathetic my birthday had turned out. I'm not proud of what I did next but I went to my daughters bedroom where they were laughing playing computer games and could not resist using some choice words saying I'd remember their actions on their birthday and not arrange the usual days of celebrations often involving expensive shopping trips, breakfast out, family parties, trips to nice places and surprise gifts.

I then went to my bedroom, cried, watched TV, treated myself to some bits on vinted, and felt totally dejected pretending to my friends and family who were messaging me happy birthday that I was having a lovely birthday. I didn't have a single gift to open (parents gave me some money and friends have arranged a trip to the theatre/meal out). I assumed my husband and daughter would soon appear at the door to say sorry we messed up, we love you, give us an hour to gather a few things and let's restart your birthday but no absolutely nothing. The day before I had done a shop and my husband made dinner using the things I'd purchased asking if I wanted any. However it was a roast dinner which is something I rarely have and not in keeping with my very determined healthy eating plan where I like potatoes baked and veggies steamed not dripping in fat. Given it was near 7pm I was getting more upset (& sadly sulky) and declined. I know it's not nice to sulk but all I needed was an apology and some recognition that they had made me feel totally unimportant and lonely on my birthday after a really tough year. Since then they have barely spoken to me. I thought I was important to my family but now it feels like my importance is only as the cleaner, cook and organiser. It seems such a trival thing to ignite a lot of big feelings including questioning what I previously thought was a happy marriage.

I wonder why you're okay with croissants - which are terrible for diabetes - but not cookies? Or a roast?

That aside I'm really sorry you got no gifts, I think you should be direct with your family and say you feel let down/disappointed. Sulking is a natural reaction, but directly saying is far more productive.

Happy non-birthday, OP! Any chance of your DH and DD, both functioning adults, organising a nice day out for you, sometime soon, to make up for their thoughtlessness on your real birthday?

If not, I think you need to talk this through with DH and DD, preferably separately. It sounds as if they take you for granted. That’s not good, any day of the year.

Best of luck xx

She’s already answered that upthread.

What was previous years like?

You seem to have posted 2 weeks after the birthday so honestly I think that you need to have a serious talk with your family and then let it go, for everyone ‘s sake, UNTIL 2 weeks before your birthday next year, when you should publish on the fridge door a list of the expected joyful activities and of your dietary requirements

But you get what you've taught them. You say you would be happy with lip balm, a card and really cheap and zero effort things? Why? You also say you prefer to give than get - so there you go. You set your family dynamic up this way and then go blasting all of them for not making a big deal. Your posts are very martyrish op and you set a low bar for yourself - you can't blame anyone. Clearly your ADULT children have been raised like this because they have done a proper gift for his birthday. I want to be spoilt on my birthday, so my dc as young as they are know this too. We make a big deal of everyone's birthday equally and my dc think it's a big deal for everyone.
Your entire posts go on about how little you expect but you expected something much more (which I agree with!). You set the bar low so unfortunately that's what happens.

She has already answered that upthread.

This seems like an over reaction to me, but I've over reacted wildly myself, tears and upset, and each time my period started the next day.

It seems like a completely normal reaction to me.

Most people would be upset if they saw everyone else get treated for their birthdays but then don't even get so much as a token gift and their family then practically ignore them for 2 weeks after.

It would be different if nobody did anything for birthdays.

I'm sorry your family have been so shit OP.

@Dishwashersaurous "
Surely you would have booked somewhere for lunch or dinner before the day"

If you want a perfect definition of "wife work", booking your own birthday lunch nah is surely it!

Two weeks and as a family you still aren't all talking?
Time to sit everyone down and explain how you have been feeling, having to cope with extra caring, your own illness, how stressed and exhausted you have been feeling, and how much you had been looking forward to just one day of being looked after.
I do think you were the architect of the disaster because you had built the day up in your head, and their response was disappointing.
But their response is built on the role you've taken on in the family, and your failure to communicate how bad you were feeling. Blowing up at them in their room then sulking for the rest of the day is OTT. No wonder they don't know how to talk to you now.
So you need to partly apologise for your overreaction but also spell out what led to it, and that they need to value how much you do for them (they can do their own laundry FFS) and show their appreciation. At least once a year.

Ooooh no no no no no. I would not be happy with this at all.
It’s your birthday, you should be Queen for the day. My family knows that this is what I expect, and it’s ok to have expectations of your partner and kids - you do a lot for them, so your birthday is the perfect opportunity for them to show you just how much they appreciate you.

I would be having words. And I would be petty and I would ignore their birthdays to teach them a very important life lesson.

That's what we do! We have a list each. Mine is usually something like - the breakfast I want, the chocolates I want, a mug, an activity of my choice (movie/show/concert/mini golf), something daft with "mum" on it, and a Collin the Caterpillar birthday cake.

DH's is usually - breakfast, socks, a horror or thriller book, something daft with "dad" on it, a weekend away for the two of us (not abroad, just away from home), steak for dinner, and a Collin the Caterpillar birthday cake too.

We're not really birthday people but I think it's important for children to learn to show appreciation for other people so this is how we do it. It takes a little effort, but it's nothing stressful and the kids love trying to find the most ridiculous thing with mum/dad on it. Sometimes they even pick something sweet too which is a nice bonus.

As a sensitive soul I totally understand how you're feeling and I'm sorry you had a sad birthday. While I get what others are saying about your response to your birthday day, it seems to run deeper than just your birthday. It sounds to me like you would like more help from your family and to be seen by them, rather than taken for granted. If this is the case, you need a heart felt conversation with your husband about how you are feeling. Be open with him and ask him for support in ways you can feel more valued. 🥰

On my last birthday I picked a restaurant I wanted to eat at, booked a table and we went there. I said no gifts as we've got other expenses and I don't need more crap. We had a nice meal, went for hot chocolate, that was it. My kids are caught up in their own lives and my DH is flat out with work so I made the day happen myself. It sounds like you ruined the day for yourself tbh, you could have booked a table somewhere and had a nice meal.

Sorry you had a crap birthday but that can happen when you have expectations of how a day should go. Not getting a gift from either was hurtful though and I’d scale back what you do for their birthdays. If you’d wanted avocados, why didn’t you buy them when you were veg shopping the day before? Ask your DH to go get sourdough?

Maybe stop doing so much for your DD and DD - for starters, they can do their own laundry, surely ?

agree, op sounds like a spoilt brat.

Your family takes you for granted and you are also caring for your dad which is stressful. You need to spell out what you want and set expectations. It is not unreasonable to need a special diet because you are diabetic. It is not unreasonable to expect you should have a special day on your birthday, and for your family to get you a small gift. Quit doing your adult children’s laundry.

Your brother who is out of the country…you know what, he can contribute financially to the care of your dad. If you don’t ask for these things, people, yes even your own family, will bleed you dry if you let them. Don’t let them.

My advice is also to start organizing and doing only the things that affect you. Pull right back. They’re old enough to cook & do their own laundry. Just do your own. No announcements. Just stop. Pay your own bills. Stop being everyone’s brain. Don’t make lunches. Stop reminding them about everything. Just look after you and your Dad. When they inevitably come to you with their complaints, let them know you’ve been show where you stand and you’re showing the same respect and gratitude you’re receiving. You’re focusing on your Dad because he needs you.

You were offered food you said no, your DH was going to go to the shops to get whatever you wanted - you said no.
They baked cookies - you said no.
He cooked a roast dinner - you said no!

Honestly you caused the issues yourself by saying no to every suggestion!

You picked a good username then🤣

This. As you say tge day started well but OP started finding fault. Why she had to do the laundry is beyond me, if it really needed doing ask one of the adults to do it .

Yabu as you sound hard work.
He offered to go to the shop and get something you said no but didn't suggest an alternative.
You said you didn't want much for your birthday.. That's low expectations already so you dug your own grave really.
People aren't psychic you need to give them ideas.. Oh I would like to go to x place for my birthday, oh dh I really like this for my birthday.
Rather than making the best of it you decided to mope around all day.

You are an adult with a diabetes diagnosis and you didn't eat because they didn't sort something for you? No, you are responsible for feeding yourself.

If you wanted to be taken out for a meal , perhaps suggest that in advance, but take some responsibility for yourself.

I learnt long ago to set firm expectations in advance for my birthday.

Providing a birthday present list is a good reminder even if they choose something different. And a discussion of which restaurant makes it clear I expect to go out rather than cook that evening.

It's the only way. Being hurt or sulking gets you nowhere.