Made to feel unimportant on my birthday

[Patheticbirthday]

I'm prepared to be told I'm being too sensitive but 2 weeks ago it was my birthday and after having a rough year was looking forward to being a teeny bit spoilt. I wasn't looking for anything much just a nice breakfast, a little token gift (or the item I bought cheaply on vinted wrapped and given to me) and a day where I wasn't responsible for cooking, planning, cleaning and life admin.

It started positively with my husband bringing me a cup of coffee and a card including one from our youngest adult child who is away at uni. Our eldest daughter who is in her mid 20s and still at home didn't wake until mid morning and brought me a home made card using printer paper that wouldn't even stand-up -think badly executed primary school project rather than craft fayre. Fair enough- I was gracious and said thank you, it's lovely.

Husband asked what I wanted for breakfast but followed it up with we were out of bread but he'd go out if I wanted him to get something. This irritated me somewhat given we live a 15 minute drive each way from the nearest convenience store and clearly showed no planning/ thought. I said I was fine with coffee as preferred to be together and assumed I would have a gift or two to open especially as my daughter had been seeing friends in London for the week before so had easy access to excellent shops. They made themselves cereal and could barely make any conversation before they left me alone in the lounge.

By midday I was was feeling so hurt that clearly nothing special had been arranged (although I later saw that they had made some cookies earlier in the week when I had been out and whilst a nice gesture showed absolute disregard for my very recent diabetes diagnosis and me desperately trying to adjust my diet). I ended up sorting washing as they had over filled the laundry basket without even vaguely considering taking it to the washing machine! I then sorted some life admin tasks- finances and insurance etc. By 2 o'clock I had been sat on my own for 2 hours with nothing to eat all day so made myself some cheese and crackers and had a little cry at how pathetic my birthday had turned out. I'm not proud of what I did next but I went to my daughters bedroom where they were laughing playing computer games and could not resist using some choice words saying I'd remember their actions on their birthday and not arrange the usual days of celebrations often involving expensive shopping trips, breakfast out, family parties, trips to nice places and surprise gifts.

I then went to my bedroom, cried, watched TV, treated myself to some bits on vinted, and felt totally dejected pretending to my friends and family who were messaging me happy birthday that I was having a lovely birthday. I didn't have a single gift to open (parents gave me some money and friends have arranged a trip to the theatre/meal out). I assumed my husband and daughter would soon appear at the door to say sorry we messed up, we love you, give us an hour to gather a few things and let's restart your birthday but no absolutely nothing. The day before I had done a shop and my husband made dinner using the things I'd purchased asking if I wanted any. However it was a roast dinner which is something I rarely have and not in keeping with my very determined healthy eating plan where I like potatoes baked and veggies steamed not dripping in fat. Given it was near 7pm I was getting more upset (& sadly sulky) and declined. I know it's not nice to sulk but all I needed was an apology and some recognition that they had made me feel totally unimportant and lonely on my birthday after a really tough year. Since then they have barely spoken to me. I thought I was important to my family but now it feels like my importance is only as the cleaner, cook and organiser. It seems such a trival thing to ignite a lot of big feelings including questioning what I previously thought was a happy marriage.

Because they are pricks? What a horrible thing to do when it's someone's birthday. Surely, if her family cared about her, they would see her upset and come together.

If my mum got upset about something on her birthday, especially something reasonable like not receiving a single gift, I would never leave her to sit by herself. What a truly nasty thing to do.

OP don’t be such a martyr! When DP asked what you want for breakfast from the shop - tell him! He did ask, and you said ‘nothing’, so not really fair to add that to the list of grievances. I’m sure you’d have survived 15 minutes while he nipped to the shop to grab breakfast food.

They made you homemade cookies and a roast! That was very sweet. They probably thought you would break a diet and have a treat for a birthday - most people do.

The only shitty thing is no presents. But they’re you’re family. I’d have said, “Where are my presents?” And if they replied that they’d not got me any, I’d send them out with a list of treats I wanted.

If you act like a martyr it’s confusing for people to know what you genuinely do want and what you actually don’t want. Speak up!

I partially agree, however, like you said - they are her family - I'd be disappointed if I had to tell my family that I would like a present and a little spoiling on my birthday.

@Katielovesteatime I'm sorry to single your post out but did you even read the opening post?

The family did not bake cookies for op. They'd baked them for themselves days previously.

OP presumably could not 'break her diet' as a treat due to being DIABETIC!

Her family were not 'very sweet' to her. They made a sum total of ZERO effort & then didn't give a crap when she was upset.

I have to say I'm feeling saddened by just how low so many seem to have set the bar for themselves in their relationships. It's shocking.

@Patheticbirthday I am with you OP!! some family members are just selfish. I have a big birthday in november and my hubby has arranged to spend the day at a sporting day.! my last big birthday I had to book the trip to paris. my late daughter booked the big birthday trip before that NY so my hubby didnt have to!! just sick of it! he does nothing!

Jesus. Who needs to be reminded to buy a present for their mum or partner on their birthday? If I hadn’t got presents waiting for my OH I wouldn’t be able to sleep with the shame of it. I’d be out first thing scouring the shops for a present and would have a table booked for breakfast / lunch before he’d got out of bed.

Well isn't this interesting- some perceive me as an entitled drama enducing nightmare whilst others as a passive doormat. The reality ( I think) is somewhere in the middle. I am the organiser in our family unit, the one who remembers everyone's birthdays and has already made lists of potential gifts for friends and family for this Christmas. I prefer to give than to receive and my expectations are set accordingly. As with most families we each have our roles and play to our strengths. However, the minimum standard is usually a card, a small gift and being generous with your time if possible. People have asked about previous birthdays and usually these involve being gathered together for breakfast to open gifts and cards before a fun day maybe visiting a museum/ theatre/ gallery and a leisurely pub meal or maybe a family gathering- sometimes planned and sk etimes spontaneous depending on weather and if we've had to drop DDs to uni.

Someone I think got it spot on when they said about being stressed and yes I feel definitely feel stressed and exhausted. My brother recently moved abroad so looking after our elderly parents has fallen entirely to me and juggling their and my own health issues has been particularly tough along with working and the usual crap life throws at you. I think I was lunging to my birthdathank the opportunity to relax for a few hours with my family putting me first rather than me worrying about others. I guess their behaviours made me feel unimportant and undervalued.

For those who asked why I didn't get my own croissants- well I could have and will do from now on. However, I thought DH might have stopped at the co-op on his way home from work to get some along with the cards. Others said I must have been expecting a roast since I bought the stuff. I bought a variety of vegetables including potatoes but as a vegetarian household there was no meat joint and the vegetables could as easily be used to make soup, veggie cottage pie, moussaka or a chilli as they could a roast. I do virtually all the cooking in my house.

It's been very insightful and helpful to read and reflect upon your responses so again thank you.

It would have been nice to have been treated to something small. How shite is it if you have to go and get your own breakfast stuff before your birthday so you can treat yourself. It's a sad world if the people we live with who know us best and see what we do can't even be bothered to get a bit of bread in.

It's your birthday, every family has some sort of rituals they do to celebrate, for bigger birthdays maybe a bigger treat or gift, the cards are great, the cuppa lovely, but jaysus not even a bit of cake and you had to go online to buy your own presents, that's even more shocking.

It's not hard to organise something, it's not a surprise event that has come up, it's once a year, same date, every year, you do it for everyone else.

Further to your last post be @Patheticbirthday I think none of this reflects on you (perception of demanding/doormat). This post says far more about your husband and children. It just tells us you’re human. Who wouldn’t feel upset at such thoughtlesss behaviour.

Agree with the latest posters on how low the bar is set for some mumsnetters when it comes to thoughtless behaviour by family members.

@Patheticbirthday for inspiration take a look at this thread for a very similar situation that ended with a glorious comeuppance. Do make sure to take a look at all OP's updates with the "select all OP's posts" functions, I promise it's worth it!
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4918707-shit-birthday?page=1

I was speaking to a friend once about her birthday and it sounded amazing. She said she'd had a crap birthday one year and since then lays out expectations to her husband.

So that year she gave them choices - two meals she would enjoy it they cooked and a suggestion of a restaurant if they wanted to take her out.

She likes balloons so asked for those and insisted they buy a cake. She gave him a list of things she'd like with varying prices and ended up with a lovely pair of cashmere socks, a book she wanted and tickets for a play she wanted to see.

Now, I know it takes he element of surprise and having someone think really hard about what you would like, but she has lovely birthdays now.

Male sure next year your husband gets a coffee in bed and that's it. Match his energy and as others have said plan your own. Birthday. As for your dc I'd simply remind them your birthday is coming up and it's miserable not to get anything. Tell them it makes you feel unloved. If they still don't get you anything then they also get nothing the following year.

…ample for YOU. Not everyone is the same.

You spent the day tearful and sulking?
What else is going on here, because that's not a mature response to not being "spoiled" enough on your birthday?.
Are you seeing curated images of others' perfect lives on sm? Most of us have to go to work on our birthday, at least you could watch tv and shop on Vinted.
I don't know what's going on here, but you need to start communicating better with your family.

I understand and I'd feel sad too. In my family we make an effort with birthdays. At the very least, a nice breakfast is made, presents are given and then the birthday person decides what they want to do - eg. A day out or dinner at a restaurant.
However, maybe what's different is we plan it all in advance. I wouldn't say nothing in the run up to my birthday and then expect to be surprised with nice presents and plans. Instead, I'll give present ideas and we discuss what I'd like to do (it's the same for everyone in the family). No matter who's birthday it is, we always plan it in advance, as a family.
I get quite confused when people just say nothing about their birthday, then get upset on the day when nothing's happened. It's like, why didn't you give ideas beforehand??

You do have to tell people. What different individuals want on their birthday varies hugely, as we can see from the replies on this thread alone. I have friends who go all out with lavish parties every year and I have friends who genuinely want everyone to ignore it.

The reason I asked what OP's family usually do is that presumably she's had many birthdays in previous years with them. The pattern has been set and you shoudln't expect them to change it. If they put in little effort compared to the norm, it's reasonable for her to be upset. If they put in the same effort as usual, and she's endured it silently all these years, then yes, she has to speak up and tell them she's not happy with it. Otherwise why would they change?

I've just read your update, OP. Looking after elderly parents is stressful and difficult. You are going to need to tell your family that's how you're feeling. The stress is getting to you, and you'd like more support in practical, if small ways.
Not everyone picks up on others' stresses, so do clarify how you feel.

To put it in more context my daughter took my DH to a surprise car event for his birthday and has told us about buying surprise concert tickets and hotel accommodation for her boyfriend’s birthday next month.

could not resist using some choice words saying I'd remember their actions on their birthday and not arrange the usual days of celebrations often involving expensive shopping trips, breakfast out, family parties, trips to nice places and surprise gifts.

I’m glad you said it and hope you mean it.

Dial back massively on what you do for them. They can make effort for each other and boyfriend but didn’t for you so match their low efforts next time.

Your DH and DD have been thoughtless and lazy. Do you feel strong enough to break the silence and raise it with them both now? Even though time has passed I think you need to let them know how you feel and your expectations going forwards.

I understand OP, my lot were very similar especially during the teen years. It’s completely disheartening when you spend 364 days a year running round after them, considering their needs and happiness and give, give, giving. You’re not being a brat to expect, just one day a year, for them to give back similar to what you give them every day. It’s the least you deserve.

I hit the roof when my special birthday ‘treat’ on my 40th was fish and chips. It really was a catalyst for me to address bigger problems within the relationship. I explained to DH just how hurt I was by his lack of effort and how worthless it had made me feel and he did listen. The next year he took me to Paris for my birthday weekend, and I always have a lovely birthday every year now (though not always extravagant, it’s always thoughtful). Talk to them calmly. Point out the differences between their birthdays and your birthday. A lot of families take us Mums very much for granted, and sometimes they need things spelling out calmly.

But if you’re ’running around after everyone’ the other 364 days of the year, that, as you say, is a problem with your relationship/family dynamic that can only be fixed by you. Being a people-pleasing, taken for granted doormat 364 days a year and then boiling over with anger and disappointment because people are still taking you for granted on your birthday is totally irrational. You’re expecting people you’ve trained to take you for granted to suddenly see you as a person, and, what’s more, a person who needs one day to somehow compensate for the other 364.

I understand OP it's been a crap year for you and you thought they'd have understood that and made a bigger deal of your birthday, but it's not how everyone thinks, no one lives in your head - they didn't know you had set so much importance by this birthday - I think you wanted the feet up, special treatment all day - that's big.
Maybe you make a fuss for their birthdays - which they might think is what you enjoy doing, not something you do so everyone does it back for you. I think you need to let them know that you want a bigger deal made of your birthday - I think you need to spell it out and you need to stop being a martyr - the life admin and the laundry was on you. - why are you doing laundry for other adults anyway?

You know what I think this is shit don't get why so many blame you. Like you say you organise birthdays for them yet they don't ask you just do it right
I think your threat of not giving them birthdays or Christmas pressies I think you should do that I honestly do. No more birthday days or Christmas day this next year and if they seem disappointed just say oh well now you know the feeling. Shows very little effort from your kids and husband who shouldn't need to be told

My DH and I make a fuss of each other for our birthdays but it's rare this is a suprise - we will talk to each other beforehand, what do you fancy doing, I was thinking x,y,z. You haven't healthily communicated what you wanted, instead you've allowed your hurt to cause you to be passive aggressive and caused a rift with your DD and DH. Why not sit down now, talk through in a reasonable way how you feel, listen to their perspective and agree together how you will do birthdays moving forward?

I don't understand people saying you're over reacting.

As mums we work so hard to ensure the family are happy and healthy and go out of our way for their birthdays and Christmas. Why wouldn't we expect this reciprocated ???

I would feel exactly the same.

You shouldn't have to tell them what to do, as they have the example you've set previously for them... to ignore you is just harsh.

I would have felt like booking myself into a hotel for the night and ordering room service.

Yes you might be being over sensitive ... maybe your family shouldn't be so 'insensitive!!!'