Made to feel unimportant on my birthday

[Patheticbirthday]

I'm prepared to be told I'm being too sensitive but 2 weeks ago it was my birthday and after having a rough year was looking forward to being a teeny bit spoilt. I wasn't looking for anything much just a nice breakfast, a little token gift (or the item I bought cheaply on vinted wrapped and given to me) and a day where I wasn't responsible for cooking, planning, cleaning and life admin.

It started positively with my husband bringing me a cup of coffee and a card including one from our youngest adult child who is away at uni. Our eldest daughter who is in her mid 20s and still at home didn't wake until mid morning and brought me a home made card using printer paper that wouldn't even stand-up -think badly executed primary school project rather than craft fayre. Fair enough- I was gracious and said thank you, it's lovely.

Husband asked what I wanted for breakfast but followed it up with we were out of bread but he'd go out if I wanted him to get something. This irritated me somewhat given we live a 15 minute drive each way from the nearest convenience store and clearly showed no planning/ thought. I said I was fine with coffee as preferred to be together and assumed I would have a gift or two to open especially as my daughter had been seeing friends in London for the week before so had easy access to excellent shops. They made themselves cereal and could barely make any conversation before they left me alone in the lounge.

By midday I was was feeling so hurt that clearly nothing special had been arranged (although I later saw that they had made some cookies earlier in the week when I had been out and whilst a nice gesture showed absolute disregard for my very recent diabetes diagnosis and me desperately trying to adjust my diet). I ended up sorting washing as they had over filled the laundry basket without even vaguely considering taking it to the washing machine! I then sorted some life admin tasks- finances and insurance etc. By 2 o'clock I had been sat on my own for 2 hours with nothing to eat all day so made myself some cheese and crackers and had a little cry at how pathetic my birthday had turned out. I'm not proud of what I did next but I went to my daughters bedroom where they were laughing playing computer games and could not resist using some choice words saying I'd remember their actions on their birthday and not arrange the usual days of celebrations often involving expensive shopping trips, breakfast out, family parties, trips to nice places and surprise gifts.

I then went to my bedroom, cried, watched TV, treated myself to some bits on vinted, and felt totally dejected pretending to my friends and family who were messaging me happy birthday that I was having a lovely birthday. I didn't have a single gift to open (parents gave me some money and friends have arranged a trip to the theatre/meal out). I assumed my husband and daughter would soon appear at the door to say sorry we messed up, we love you, give us an hour to gather a few things and let's restart your birthday but no absolutely nothing. The day before I had done a shop and my husband made dinner using the things I'd purchased asking if I wanted any. However it was a roast dinner which is something I rarely have and not in keeping with my very determined healthy eating plan where I like potatoes baked and veggies steamed not dripping in fat. Given it was near 7pm I was getting more upset (& sadly sulky) and declined. I know it's not nice to sulk but all I needed was an apology and some recognition that they had made me feel totally unimportant and lonely on my birthday after a really tough year. Since then they have barely spoken to me. I thought I was important to my family but now it feels like my importance is only as the cleaner, cook and organiser. It seems such a trival thing to ignite a lot of big feelings including questioning what I previously thought was a happy marriage.

could not resist using some choice words saying I'd remember their actions on their birthday and not arrange the usual days of celebrations often involving expensive shopping trips, breakfast out, family parties, trips to nice places and surprise gifts

But do you enjoy arranging elaborate celebration for them? Are they appreciative?

Might be time to rethink how you "do" birthdays in your family. Not as retribution for your birthday "snub", but because your efforts aren't appreciated, won't be reciprocated and it doesn't give you joy to plan and execute these celebrations.

It's ok to prioritize yourself and not carry on with traditions that your family may have outgrown.

Most people are only really important to themselves.

once you realise this life gets easier and more predictable.

This year, I'm surprising myself with a trip to the Caribbean 😃

I like your style!

Your husband and daughter have been beyond lazy in not even getting you a small gift to open. They should have made the effort and you certainly are not being unreasonable.i’d be furious if I was you.

I don't think families 'outgrow' traditions of being remembered & thought of & treated to gifts & cards & thoughtfully planned occasions .

I think too many people are lazy & unappreciative & ultimately selfish. Fine to be treated but can't be bothered to make the effort to do the treating.

And the amount of people here defending & excusing this is actually really sad & more than a bit depressing

Life doesn't have to be like that.

It does sound like a monumentally crap birthday OP. But what usually happens on your birthday? I can’t imagine not buying presents for anyone in our family for their birthday, but we all write a list of a few things we’d like which gets ‘submitted’ a few weeks beforehand. The idea of not having a single present to open is an alien concept to me - the kids start asking weeks before mine and DH’s birthdays for our ‘lists’ and likewise, we start discussing what we’d like to do.

If it’s a week night, it might be a takeway, or dinner out if it’s a weekend. The kids might ask if they can do an activity, DH really doesn’t like a big fuss but I’ll cook a special dinner, or some years he does fancy dinner out so we do that. It’s my 50th next year and we’re already discussing if we want to go away for a short break. But if nobody had mentioned my birthday a couple of weeks beforehand, I’d be saying, ‘it’s my birthday in a couple of weeks, here’s my list, does anyone fancy X restaurant?’. I wouldn’t just sit around passively, waiting to be asked.

I don't understand those on here who say 'it's just a day' etc. You make an effort for your family's birthdays because you love them and of course they should make a fuss of you.
I'd be very hurt if my family behaved the way yours did. I also think you set your expectations too low - why shouldn't you be receiving nice things as you organise for them? Maybe they just thought you weren't bothered at all? No excuse for it but maybe that was the mindset. I'd tell them exactly how upset you were and you expect much more next year.

In our place the birthday person picks what they want to do and we do that

I think it is odd an adult sat there waiting for something just do what you want

What do they usually do on your birthday? If they usually make a fuss of you and go all out then yes it's weird no one really stepped up this year. But if this is par for the course then they probably didn't realise anything different was expected of them. And if this happened all years previously and you wanted something more then you'd have needed to actually inform them.

DP and I have settled into a birthday routine for each other: happy birthday wish and maybe a token gift on the day, take each other out for fancy dinner after checking what's convenient. No stops get pulled out on the day itself so if either of us were to expect a big fuss we'd have to say so in advance.

No one magically knows exactly how big a deal birthdays are to other adults. It seems like you have fairly specific wishes so you need to communicate them.

I'm not surprised everyone left you alone after your "choice words" though. They must have been walking on eggshells.

They sound very thoughtless, sorry OP.

Ffs this website is so weird. If a DH so much drops some crumbs on the counter and doesn’t notice wives should leave and how dare he, why does he expect her to do everything, disgusting, he should pull his weight. The minute it comes to birthdays women are meant to organise everything themselves and expect absolutely nothing and their husband shouldn’t be expected to do a single thing for them and they’re childish and stupid. It’s ridiculous.

OP it was your birthday and they were crap.

What do they usually do on your birthday?

But do you think her DH actually cares about his 'birthday breakfast' or has to sow seeds about his birthday? Because I don't. Some people just don't 'do' birthdays. Other than big 0 birthdays my family don't really bother with birthdays for adults. We'll maybe meet up for dinner. OP might go all out for her DH's birthday but she probably doesn't need to. As for daughters in their 20s, it's a time in your life where you are quite selfish. Yes they should have bought OP a gift, that's a bare minimum. But the rest is way OTT, when it became clear nothing was planned and there was no bread OP could have suggested going out for brunch. It being your birthday doesn't mean you have to be passive.

Anyway, I don't think this is even about the birthday. Sounds like OP is under a lot of stress.

I would find the most hurtful thing being - that they didn't even come and see you after you were upset and had a go at them.

I would also never leave my mum or my partner alone for hours on their birthday if I were in the same house.

I think you have every right to feel this way, and it does sound like they take you for granted. Also, it sounds like your eldest daughter needs to grow up. Why has she made you a card out of paper (something 5yr olds do) and playing games in her room?

Sorry you had a shit birthday, I'd give the same energy to theirs when the time comes.

This is why I plan my own birthday or at least have a discussion about going out etc. Mine is coming up and I have a day off booked so did not want it to be a waste of a day!
I do however expect cards and gifts etc from other half and the children.

I can only imagine how uncomfortable you made everyone feel when you were all sat in the lounge and you on hunger strike. No wonder they went off on their own to have a laugh over some computer games.

I am not! She's just been to London. Perfume? Scarf? Nice notebook? Hand creams?! I didn't say she has to ask where her equivalent trip is. If my mum was carer for my grandad I wouldn't get her nothing.

I don't expect anything just doing things together is enough for me

YANBU. It’s not rocket science that caring and loving partners and your children should give you attention, gifts, cards and plan day of treating you. That’s been the premise of celebrating birthdays for years. You really don’t need to tell them how to do it. They didn’t want to. Couldn’t be arsed. Horrible people. I couldn’t forgive this. I’m so sorry for you. Some poster on mumsnet have really low expectations and think you need to tell people you live with what you like and when you want it. No. You don’t. They should be paying attention to you all the time and know/care about you and want you to feel loved and happy. I would speak to your husband because if he can’t apologise and see how to do things differently moving forward then I’d be moving forward without him.

How hard is to get your wife or your mum flowers, earrings, a jumper - they don't care and see the OP as a skivvy.
OP don't do anything for their birthdays the lazy selfish 💩 's

I'm sorry OP, I agree with you, it's not about big gestures just little actions that show consideration.

I'm recently diagnosed T2 diabetic too and had my birthday a couple of weeks ago. DH did a bit of research and decided to make steak and asparagus for dinner, with some brownies he found on a Keto recipes website for pudding. It wasn't a massive fancy expensive dinner, but he cared enough to put some thought into it and make an effort. That's all you were hoping for and I don't think it's too much to expect that level of thought from your husband and children.

People always saying why didn't you communicate your wants in advance.
How difficult is it for another grown adult to think hmm birthday what do I do, oh yes a nice card, cake and a few presents. I'll talk to the kids and make sure they get mum a little something.
She's trying to be healthy what about her favorite veggie chilli for dinner and a small glass of wine.
How low do we set the bar for men on here!
Yes speak up if you fancy a takeaway or dinner out but the bare minimum of a birthday is not difficult is it.

She went shopping and didn't buy what she wanted for her breakfast the next day. She would have known what was in the house because she's obviously left to do all the shopping. Ditto the roast dinner ingredients (presumably a joint of meat etc). Her DH and DD were rubbish but sourdough bread and an avocado, salmon etc would have pointed them in the right direction.

This.

Many women have a very low bar for themselves on here.

I would have been gutted too OP. But no way would I have done laundry on my birthday. I'd have taken myself out to the cinema, maybe to a hotel for a little self pampering. Been perfectly pleasant with rubbish family, even invited them out, just to make it really clear I expect more for my birthday. Ok there may have been some sulking. Tiny bit.