AIBU for giving DD6 a row for breaking things?

[WiseMouse]

DD is part human, part tyrannosaurus rex, or so it seems to me sometimes. She is so careless with her things, (and often my things as well). She doesn't stop to think. Like if something doesn't fit in a box, she doesn't pause to flip it over, or asks for help, but just pushes, and pushes, and stomps until it fits... and then of course it breaks.

Just like many of the girls in her class, she loves princess stuff and pretty things. I gave her a necklace with a clasp that she had been asking for for ages, we put it on, she was so proud, but when she was tired of wearing it, she just yanked it off rather than ask me to help her. Couldn't be fixed. She snapped her tiara, tore the fabric roses off her cape, destroyed her pop-up book by turning the pages too wildly, she emptied the entire bottle of glitter glue on one page... and today her granny (my MIL) gave her a crochet giraffe, and somehow she managed to unravel it within an hour, even though I told her to stop pulling on the tail until I had some time to fix it (MIL hadn't stitched it up quite right). Anyway, I was really angry because I know MIL will be sad because she worked hard on this. So I gave DD a row, and took everything from her room that's fragile to store in the attic until she learns to be more careful.

DH says that I overreacted, and we should just stop buying her stuff and accept she'll break everything (toys, clothes, hair accessories, all of which she rips and breaks, not to mention how she puts stickers everywhere and painted on all the bedroom walls). But I like things to be neat and hate living in a home with so many broken things. I mean, you expect this from a toddler, but not from a 6 year old. I need her to be more careful and teach her that objects have value. AIBU?

What does "gave her a row" mean?

I'm guessing from the context that giving a row must mean told her off.

Id be pretty annoyed about those things too, have you cinsidered that she may have some additional needs?

If she is very fidgity/clumsy are there any other signs of potential dyspraxia or ADHD?

Otherwise I agree don't give her things you will be upset about if they break.

I would stop buying her stuff and anything that is broken gets thrown out and not replaced.

How often do you buy her new things? She maybe doesnt appreciate that much if she knows she will just get more stuff.

Maybe just get new things at christmas and birthdays. If she asks for things say no as you just break it. Or maybe get her to save upbher own pocket money.

You don’t know what a row is??

a telling off.

God almighty this would drive me insane. My 3 year old is very careful and precious with his belongings. I feel for you OP. Just yanking something off so it breaks, or smashing things into boxes sounds like she doesn't give a damn for her things. Is she upset after she breaks something? Or not bothered? Is there anything she's careful with?

So you know that she has difficulties in this area, still give her things that you want kept to your standard, punish her for not meeting those standards and top it out by acting the victim? Have I got that right?

You are being wildly unfair in your daughter, and really really nasty.

You need to have the patience to teach her how to have, and look after nice things. That’s your job, and if you insist that blame needs to be thrown around, then the blame lies with you.

My son is like this. He loses or breaks everything!
He has adhd and dyspraxia though.
It is however, pretty irritating regardless.

I would do the same OP. She's old enough to be learning the consequences of her actions. Was she sad when the necklace couldn't be mended?

Oh god, my DS was/is a walking demolition zone. Couldn't/can't open a box without destroying half of it, dropped everything, managed to snap things that I would have struggled to snap. Hated labels, would rip them out of clothes or off cuddly toys if they had one on.

It used to stress me out, but in the end I just accepted things would get broken and I just stopped buying him anything that was extra special. If he got presents from grandparents that were a bit more fragile than was ideal, then I said "I will pop this in the cupboard, ask if you want it, but we need to keep it safe".

I just gathered up broken stuff and binned it. No point arguing or getting into a row over it. It was just him.

Nothing has changed. He is 22 now - but recently diagnosed with Autism and on an ADHD waiting list.

So, knowing this about her, you make sure that every time she handles something rippable or breakable you give her lots of verbal warnings and modelling. She needs guidance to be gentle and mindful of other people’s feelings about how they might feel when she breaks things. Praise her effusively when she does this.

Yes, I told her off (for the umpteenth time). The part that DH disagreed with is removing fragile things from her room or out of her reach (and yes, she protested and cried).

No additional needs. She does (very) well in school. She is very capable focusing on her work and when she's doing sums or practicing spelling, she has no problem being conscientious. I'm afraid she's just spoiled, because she does get a lot of presents. Her grandparents spoil her (she was the first grandchild on both sides) and I love arts and crafts, so always getting new things for us to try together. When something breaks, her response is usually just a shrug and "oh well, we'll have to buy a new one". I know that's on me too, but I'm trying, but feel like I'm just running into a brick wall. I'm so tired of binning things and thinking of all the money, time and resources wasted each time.

The onus is on you to supervise, model and support her, at 6 she isn't responsible for adult feelings or how you like to keep your home. Don't give her the feeling that she is careless or doesn't deserve things she values.
She needs lots of sorting and fine motor skill games, some heavy work- large objects she can safely lump around- car tires are great for this, things that can safely be distroyed- sticks, rocks, leaves, cardboard.

You are both right.

You know what your dd is like yet give her stuff that requires gentle handling. You set her up for failure really.

If she doesn’t live with her broken stuff then she will never understand the consequences. If you are quick to replace broken stuff then she can’t learn from her mistakes.

I looked after a young woman who HAD to break everything.

If she was given/bought anything it would be broken within minutes. She’s also destroy newly painted walls with stickers, etc.

We never got to the bottom of it.

She just couldn’t seem to cope with having anything nice/new.

I think you were harsh tbh.

Maybe a reset would do her good and she'll start to appreciate her things more if she has less of them.

I was like this as a child. I didn't mean to break things, it's just how I am. I still clumsy now. Luckily my parents were always kind about it and apart from one horrible ex boyfriend everyone else has always been kind about the fact I break more plates than your average person -- a klutz, I suppose, in old speak.

I really can't help it and your DD sounds the same.

You're expecting perfection from a six year old and it's really quite horrible.

Not everyone on here has English as a first language. Stop looking down your nose at people asking innocent questions.

You know what's going on, she has too much so there are no consequences for breaking things. However, removing everything is 0-60 in a very short time. More important is NOT replacing broken items. She breaks it, she doesn't have it.

You'll have to work on the GPs. I suggest asking them to pay into a savings account for university when they feel generous, rather than a million throw-away toys.

I agree with your husband, stop buying her things.

Also stop fixing things of hers that she breaks.

Obviously you don't just do this, you do it while you help her learn how to be more careful and less impulsive.

You say she had no additional needs. Additional needs doesn't mean just complex or learning needs.

She obviously is having challenges with spatial awareness, dexterity and motor skills - at 6 that could indicate a small challenge or a knowledge gap that needs supporting.

Did she play stringing beads, tiny Lego etc? If something is very special to her is she able to mind it? If not I would suspect she needs a little extra support that hopefully will even put.

I'm not sure this is the case from OP's posts. I've always been completely clumsy too. The difference is OP says her daughter shows no contrition whatsoever. She has an attitude of belongings are expendable because I'll just get a new one bought for me. That's her parents' doing, but they need to address this attitude.

OP's daughter also intentionally picked at a toy until it unravelled completely when she could have stopped and given it to her mother to mend. Same with the necklace, she didn't clumsily break it by accident, she yanked it until it snapped.

I wouldn't put any of that down to innocent clumsiness, especially without any sign of regret or upset from the daughter.

Well she's only SIX. Most six year olds would forget necklaces can't just be yanked off, they aren't used to wearing them.

I agree completely with this instead of binning the broken stuff and getting her new things let her live with the broken stuff then she will start to learn that breaking things doesn’t get her new things it just leaves her with broken useless stuff.