AIBU for giving DD6 a row for breaking things?

[WiseMouse]

DD is part human, part tyrannosaurus rex, or so it seems to me sometimes. She is so careless with her things, (and often my things as well). She doesn't stop to think. Like if something doesn't fit in a box, she doesn't pause to flip it over, or asks for help, but just pushes, and pushes, and stomps until it fits... and then of course it breaks.

Just like many of the girls in her class, she loves princess stuff and pretty things. I gave her a necklace with a clasp that she had been asking for for ages, we put it on, she was so proud, but when she was tired of wearing it, she just yanked it off rather than ask me to help her. Couldn't be fixed. She snapped her tiara, tore the fabric roses off her cape, destroyed her pop-up book by turning the pages too wildly, she emptied the entire bottle of glitter glue on one page... and today her granny (my MIL) gave her a crochet giraffe, and somehow she managed to unravel it within an hour, even though I told her to stop pulling on the tail until I had some time to fix it (MIL hadn't stitched it up quite right). Anyway, I was really angry because I know MIL will be sad because she worked hard on this. So I gave DD a row, and took everything from her room that's fragile to store in the attic until she learns to be more careful.

DH says that I overreacted, and we should just stop buying her stuff and accept she'll break everything (toys, clothes, hair accessories, all of which she rips and breaks, not to mention how she puts stickers everywhere and painted on all the bedroom walls). But I like things to be neat and hate living in a home with so many broken things. I mean, you expect this from a toddler, but not from a 6 year old. I need her to be more careful and teach her that objects have value. AIBU?

Apply the same logic to her current possessions.

You've gone from too little, replacing things when broken, to too much, taking unbroken things away. She needs to feel the natural consequences of her actions, you break something you'll have to wait until your birthday or Christmas or save up pocket money to replace. You haven't taught her the value of her things and now instead of correcting YOUR error by no longer replacing things you've gone to the other extreme. You need to stop replacing things and also stop buying things outaide birthdays and Christmas and give it some time for it to effect her, she'll get the idea

I have no issues with doing those things, didn't as a child, no SEN, did great at school, I'm in my forties and I still break things. I don't actually know the reason for it, but my hands don't always register pressure properly, so sometimes I wouldn't realise I was holding something too tight or applying too much pressure until it broke. At other times I'd think I'm holding something tightly and it just falls out of my hand, I couldn’t have explained it at 6. In my teens I once had a really bad week and broke an assortment of 10 plates, cups and bowls in a week. Thankfully DP didn't think I was doing it maliciously or not taking due care, I hated it, still do. I wasn't careless I just don't always get the right signals from my hands.

When something breaks, her response is usually just a shrug and "oh well, we'll have to buy a new one".

Calmly and matter of factly: We'll get a new one when you're old enough not to break it.

Keep repeating.

Don’t think you are OTT. Could’ve chosen the “you get nothing new” route, but removal of toys is fine IMO. She’s old enough to know better, is smart enough to know better. I don’t buy the additional needs narrative if her general skill level is normal for age 6 - that’s an excuse for crap behaviour.

I am Not the most dextrous of people and avoid situations in which I am expected to be able to create something wonderful absolutely/or intricate.

I think you did the right thing because your daughter obviously can care for things if she makes them but doesn't appreciate gifts.

As to "gave her a row", that's very common usage here in South Wales.
My nanna giving me a row was something I really tried to avoid as a child because I hated upsetting her.
☺️

Omg I was reading "gave her a row for breaking things"
I thought you meant gave her a boat row (paddle? ) stick that you row a boat with-You gave her one of those to break things with! I was so confused why you'd do that 😂

Sorry totally missed the point. But I don't think you overreacted, she needs to learn to be careful with her stuff

Oh god, don't say it's even more "not-English", you'll be hounded off Mumsnet 😂

I don't think it's unusual for kids that age to do stuff like that. I had to confiscate all of the scissors (Lego flowers, Sylvanian families, my little ponies, her brothers hair all were victims) and all of the colouring pencils and pens. I kept them in a big box on the top of the kitchen cupboard and they had to ask for them and were only allowed them at the table. Eventually we let them have them in their rooms again.
I stopped replacing broken belongings and got them to help fix it if it could be rescued. We also stopped buying "extras" when out and about and told them they could ask for it for Christmas/birthday etc. When they were about 9 we started giving pocket money and told them they could save up and replace it if they wanted.

I don't think you've done anything wrong in removing stuff, but come up with a method to let her earn it back.

This! I'd also stop clearing stuff away and replacing it. Leave her with the broken stuff. Maybe sit down with her to see whether you can work out to mend any of it – perhaps if she realises how much work is involved, she will take more care.

My stepdaughter was a bit like this, and I tried to see it as positive that she didn't care about stuff too much. But I did make sure that I didn't lend her a book that I cared about.

Yeah... Sorry... wait till she's a teenager, smashing pans around your kitchen while cooking you a beautiful meal; dropping glass perfume bottles from height into your ceramic bathroom basin, floating around happy as larry while the rats move into her bedroom... Oops sorry... did I I say too much 🙈

I think you need to stop replacing things she's broken or she won't ever 'learn', but also remove things she's in the process of breaking at the time (eg the crochet giraffe should have been taken off her as it started to unravel, rather than you just telling her to stop pulling). Its a logical consequence for something she's mistreating to be removed, and for broken things to have to go in the bin, particularly when it's been done on purpose!

Also commit to not buying new stuff for her randomly (nothing between now and Christmas is a reasonable start).

Could you try going through all her toys together? bin any broken stuff, then choose some to donate, and the rest divide into about 4 piles keeping groups of things together (eg all the barbies go in set 1, the LOL dolls in set 2); these will make up your sets

Start doing a toy rotation, rotating each set every few weeks so she only had access to 1/4 of her toys at a time - she'll be less overwhelmed with mess, hopefully better able to keep track of things, and will feel the effect of things being broken much more. Put the other three sets somewhere with no access, which is an effort for you to get out too (loft/ shed/ garage)
You'll also be able to keep track of what gets broken, and if she breaks an entire set, you can then talk to her about it, and decide on an appropriate punishment.
You might also like to focus on showing and teaching her how to look after her toys, which will be easier with fewer things out at once, and include allocated places for things, which she can manage herself, such as a basket for teddies, a rail for dressing up clothes etc.

Once you give a child something, it's theirs, that means it might get broken, dented, smash or have orange juice "accidently" poured into it.

If you don't want it broken don't give it to a child.

But also don't replace it, if it breaks then that's it, it stays broken.

Don’t worry, I’ve never heard of the expression ‘giving her a row’ before either. You’d usually say, ‘I had a row with xx`

YANBU its so frustrating when kids are so thoughtless/careless when they clearly know better.
On the other hand, many modern children's toys are complete crap that break at a slightest touch. What we did with DS what he was similar age and dempolition stage - collected all the broken toys into a box and gave him a screwdriver to finish them off. Turns out spare parts are much more fun to play with than toys originally meant to be.