AIBU for giving DD6 a row for breaking things?

[WiseMouse]

DD is part human, part tyrannosaurus rex, or so it seems to me sometimes. She is so careless with her things, (and often my things as well). She doesn't stop to think. Like if something doesn't fit in a box, she doesn't pause to flip it over, or asks for help, but just pushes, and pushes, and stomps until it fits... and then of course it breaks.

Just like many of the girls in her class, she loves princess stuff and pretty things. I gave her a necklace with a clasp that she had been asking for for ages, we put it on, she was so proud, but when she was tired of wearing it, she just yanked it off rather than ask me to help her. Couldn't be fixed. She snapped her tiara, tore the fabric roses off her cape, destroyed her pop-up book by turning the pages too wildly, she emptied the entire bottle of glitter glue on one page... and today her granny (my MIL) gave her a crochet giraffe, and somehow she managed to unravel it within an hour, even though I told her to stop pulling on the tail until I had some time to fix it (MIL hadn't stitched it up quite right). Anyway, I was really angry because I know MIL will be sad because she worked hard on this. So I gave DD a row, and took everything from her room that's fragile to store in the attic until she learns to be more careful.

DH says that I overreacted, and we should just stop buying her stuff and accept she'll break everything (toys, clothes, hair accessories, all of which she rips and breaks, not to mention how she puts stickers everywhere and painted on all the bedroom walls). But I like things to be neat and hate living in a home with so many broken things. I mean, you expect this from a toddler, but not from a 6 year old. I need her to be more careful and teach her that objects have value. AIBU?

It sounds like she's both clumsy and absent minded, neither of which are deliberate. Her mum saying she is sad the toy is broken would go a lot further to generate contrition than being incredibly OTT and taking everything from her room.

I told her to stop pulling on the tail until I had some time to fix it (MIL hadn't stitched it up quite right).

So you knowing left a six year old who has a tendency to have a lack of awareness with an item that hadn’t been put together properly and then when the completely expected happened, you told her off.

She’s six. Yes she sounds on the lower end of average regarding her coordination and awareness about how fragile things are but, she’s six! You are the parent and knew what would happen which is why you told her to stop playing with it.

First off - you should have taken the giraffe off her.

But second- she’s damaging things that cost money or love for her to have, so is demonstrating a lack of care and gratitude. I’d have removed anything breakable too. I’d also refuse to buy anything else until she makes better choices.

I removed everything messy from DD’s room-stickers, colouring pencils, lip gloss etc. and got really cross (which is not like me normally) after she essentially trashed her room to the point of bedding, walls, rug all being a write off. They had been a few minor things before, a sticker on a bed frame, some pen on the floor that she’d been spoken to about nicely about and hadn’t listened at all. I gave it back very, very slowly- one thing a week starting with the least messy like the colouring pencils and she had to prove she could handle that for a week before earning something else back. I made her wait 6 months to have her room redecorated. But it worked, none of the messy stuff leaves her desk now and she takes pride in her room and keeping it nice. So I think you’re doing the right thing as deliberately unraveling a toy isn’t clumsiness that she can’t help (if it were I’d handle it differently). Just have a plan for how she can fairly earn it back.

I agree with your DH that stripping her room of so much stuff is excessive. You admit you have contributed to the problem by buying her so much stuff. I was truly disturbed to see you expect your daughter to be completely neat and tidy just because you are. Your daughter is only 6 but she will remember this and I suspect she will also know that her father did not agree with you. You are really going yo find the teen years hard if you are so draconian about things like this now.

I did very well in school too. I also had undiagnosed dyspraxia and autism (1970s) I was always hlin trouble for breaking things and never understood why i was told off for things I couldn't help and didn't mean to do.

She does really well with tiny Lego; she assembled the boxes she got for her birthday completely independently, even those that were 7 or 8+. She also makes a lot of bracelets with very small beads (she's a fan of Taylor Swift). Somehow she never breaks these. I don't think her fine motor skills are the issue.

I suspect your daughter was a bit older than 6. A child of 10+ would probably accept but mightily resent what you did. I my opinion the OP has gone too far. Telling off yes taking everything fragile out is just nasty at that age.

…my daughter was (is) very bright, very good at school, very academic … also one of these that liked to take things apart (with no way of putting them back together), really clumsy, did without thinking.

She had ASD and ADHD … however, due to being good at school, and academically bright, her ND was missed until teenage years, which were mostly a shit show (got her diagnosis at 17)

Girls present differently

Have you explained to your daughter how she can earn the items you have put in the attic back? If she doesn't know what you expect her to do and in what time scale, what incentive does she have? My mum did something a bit similar but she explained that if I kept my room tidy for a week I could have some stuff back, and she kept her word too!

She doesn't have to completely neat and tidy. She plays outside, we have a mud kitchen, and I have always been happy to get her home after a day at school with sand in her hair and dirt all over her face. Her room is a perpetual mess and that's fine. We tidy up together a few times a week and otherwise I just close the door. I just want her to handle things with more care and respect. We've talked about this so much, that things cost money, and time, and labour. It doesn't seem to help. I'm afraid if I don't take drastic measures, she just won't learn and continue to shrug it off.

She was 6 so same age as OP’s DD. A 10+ YO would surely have more impulse control to not draw on walls?? And I stand by it as reasonable 😬 If you’re going to stick stickers all over the walls and draw on your wardrobe with pencils then you’re not mature to have those items in your room so they will be removed and the natural consequence is living with the results for a while.

Accidental clumsiness I would not have punished of course! I wouldn’t have done what I did if DD had just accidentally knocked a nail polish over on the rug and was sorry about it (for example). Deliberately unraveling crochet isn’t clumsiness either and OP’s update that the things her DD has made herself, the lego and the friendship bracelets, are treated with care and never damaged is very telling. I think it sounds like she just doesn’t respect or appreciate the things that have been bought for her.

Have you taught her how to look after things? The necklace for example, did you show her how it has to be taken off? A six year old won’t necesserily know a clasp on means clasp off. With the giraffe, after the second telling off why didn’t someone remove it from her before she could cause damage?

More likely she will grow up to resent the fuck out of you and your refusal to see that she has struggles with her spatial awareness, dexterity and motor skills. At least she’s likely to have a better and more supportive relationship with her father.

But have you told your daughter how she can get her things back or does she think they have gone for good? If she's upset tonight and goes to school tomorrow and tells her teacher that you have taken all her nice things from her room and put them in the attic you will definitely make it to the staff room discussion at break time.

Also yes do this. She has to be able to earn it back on a fair timescale otherwise it is draconian.

My 11 yo can do great with lego but we now know is autistic and dyspraxic. She tends to lose things rather than destroy them. It's constant though.

What do you think it means?

@MissJoGrant i had never heard the phrase until I married my Scottish husband. Think it’s a phrase used only up there.

There’s nothing wrong with what you’ve done OP. It’s called parenting, she has a careless attitude to things and you’ve addressed it. You can return things one by one, at her choice whilst she proves that she can take better care of stuff. Genuine accidental breakages happen, of course they do and she shouldn’t be punished for them but what you described is just a complete lack of care.

Also wondered this I have never heard this phrase

To have a row is to argue- verb

Never heard of a row as a noun

Assume it's the same as a "telling off"

Must be pretty unique dialect

Native English speaker

Guilty as charged. Didn't realise it was Scottish.

I think you're trolling, but you're not describing DD, who is talented at sports and has excellent fine motor skills for her age. Her supportive father concurs.

We say it in Wales too.😊

Oh come in now, apply some thought for 2 minutes. Read the OP and use your brain?

I'd never heard this term until 4 minutes ago but could clearly work out it means a telling off.