AIBU for giving DD6 a row for breaking things?

[WiseMouse]

DD is part human, part tyrannosaurus rex, or so it seems to me sometimes. She is so careless with her things, (and often my things as well). She doesn't stop to think. Like if something doesn't fit in a box, she doesn't pause to flip it over, or asks for help, but just pushes, and pushes, and stomps until it fits... and then of course it breaks.

Just like many of the girls in her class, she loves princess stuff and pretty things. I gave her a necklace with a clasp that she had been asking for for ages, we put it on, she was so proud, but when she was tired of wearing it, she just yanked it off rather than ask me to help her. Couldn't be fixed. She snapped her tiara, tore the fabric roses off her cape, destroyed her pop-up book by turning the pages too wildly, she emptied the entire bottle of glitter glue on one page... and today her granny (my MIL) gave her a crochet giraffe, and somehow she managed to unravel it within an hour, even though I told her to stop pulling on the tail until I had some time to fix it (MIL hadn't stitched it up quite right). Anyway, I was really angry because I know MIL will be sad because she worked hard on this. So I gave DD a row, and took everything from her room that's fragile to store in the attic until she learns to be more careful.

DH says that I overreacted, and we should just stop buying her stuff and accept she'll break everything (toys, clothes, hair accessories, all of which she rips and breaks, not to mention how she puts stickers everywhere and painted on all the bedroom walls). But I like things to be neat and hate living in a home with so many broken things. I mean, you expect this from a toddler, but not from a 6 year old. I need her to be more careful and teach her that objects have value. AIBU?

It's interesting that everyone is getting invested in the word row but I fact I don't think anyone has disagreed with that part of the OPs action. It is the removal of all the fragile items from the child's room and putting them in the attic, an action the OP clearly states her DH says is a step too far that is the real AIBU issue.

6 year olds are careless with jewellery, that's why you give them cheap stuff only.

6 YOs have no real concept of money/time/sentimental value of objects. It's your job as a parent to teach her, gently, that we can't break things and expect to still have them. That we can't ruin things that other people have spent time making without hurting their feelings etc etc. Children do not view the world in the same way as adults. Every single thing is a a learning opportunity for them. If they've not seen a certain object before it's natural that they want to know how it works. Some kids are more inquisitive and dexterous than others.. the unraveling crotchet I would say was her being inquisitive. The pulling the necklace off a complete accident. I used to call DC the destroyer as they just wanted to take stuff apart to see how it worked. Maybe focus more on construction type toys. MN will diagnose her with ADHD but in reality it's completely normal child behaviour. So normal it's a trope.

A row is an argument.

Good grief, OP. She is 6! Please, be the adult about this.

I agree with your husband. Just don't give her new things or only give her things you don't mind getting broken. This is who she is. She doesn't do it on purpose or to hurt anyone.

She just needs your guidance on how to deal with things, not your "rows". That would have just hurt her and probably scared her as well. And no, she will not yet be able to connect the dots about hurting granny by breaking her present.

I feel like you need to cut her some slack, but I do get your annoyance. Yes, it is frustrating that she appears so clumsy but some kids just can’t help it.
DD was the same at that age - always breaking something (sometimes deliberately). Always fidgety etc and although she’s a lot better now (14) she’s still clumsy.
I would emphasise that grandma went to lots of effort with the giraffe, ditto you with the necklace and ask if she realises it can upset others when she is like this with her things. See if she opens up.
Sounds like she is one of those million miles a minute type of people. It can be as exhausting for them as it is for those looking after them.
Give her a hug and talk about counting to 10 or deep breaths next time she wants to rip something apart. Counting really helped my DD when she felt a bit out of control.
Good luck

I was also distracted by ‘gave her a row’. Although obviously worked it out.

I think that you were too harsh.

You don’t sound too harsh to me.

If she was apologetic at all over any of those things I’d say you were harsh but her attitude of 'you can just get me new stuff' shows behaviour I’d be nipping in the bud.

I think removing delicate or breakable things is the right course of action and she is only allowed access to those things when supervised so you can model how to be careful and monitor and correct if she is at risk of damaging something. You need to teach her how to be careful as this is obviously something she has not picked up so far.

When she starts to show more care when supervised you can start to allow access unsupervised to one thing at a time with reminders. Then gradually let off the reins.

Your husband's approach won't achieve anything as it's not teaching her that it's just ok to break things, or how to not break things. It's important children learn to treat their and other people's things with care and that things don't just get replaced if broken or "well I have more/other toys" so it doesn't matter if things get broken. Taking no action is where you end up with entitled, ungrateful adults.

I am English with English as a first language and have never heard the phrase give her/someone a row

😂😂😂😂😂 looking down my nose, ok.

calm down hen.

The irony that you’re still being condescending when arguing you’re not 🥴

I’m not arguing anything.

I was telling. You to calm down with your wild assumptions.

hth.

Op, it’s hard with 6 year olds. and I think you did the right thing to remove stuff, while reinforcing her to be careful and treat stuff with respect. She will get it eventually.

DD4 is like this. She got a gorgeous crown of feathers and within 1 day had ripped every single feather off. Not through malice or temper but purely sensory fun, play and idle fiddling. She breaks all sorts and manages to be graceful and caring yet so bloody rough 😂 it's a nightmare,

@User79853257976

A row is an argument.

A row can also mean giving someone into trouble.

I'm sure that will cause a wave of similar "I don't know what "give someone into trouble" means", type of comments.

Seems a massive shock to people constantly on Mumsnet that there are huge regional variations in language across the country.

My daughter is the same

They don't understand the value of stuff and don't csre if s necklace breaks

Or if they lose something

I wouldn't get upset about it

I'd assumed 'give her a row' was Australian. Like the way they say, 'I'll give her heaps.'

It does sound like you're getting into a row with someone, rather than a parent removing things from a 6 year-old's room. But anyway...

OP, as a pp suggested, give your DD a clear route to 'earning' items back, one at a time, and pricing she can manage to not destroy that item before the next thing.

If she is still destroying things with this frequency in another year or so, maybe talk to an occupational therapist? Dyspraxia can present in many different ways. Is she also breaking things at school?

I need her to be more careful and teach her that objects have value

Yes, you're right.

You need to teach her these things. Not assume she'll automatically know it.

Tbf, I'm English and speak English but I could still work out what it meant even though its the first time I've come across the expression 🙄

She needs to have that explained to her though. She won't make better choices until she understands what a 'better choice' looks like.

I know what dialect is, but if you’re writing on a public forum it’s probably going to serve you better to write in standard phrases.

Given that row is used in that way in the whole of Scotland I’d say it is a standard phrase.

Oh, you meant standard English phrases, didn’t you? Wheesht.

I didn't until about 30 seconds ago. I'm late 50s and I have lived in a few different areas and have never heard it before.

The problem is op you seem to have gone from one extreme to the other.
She breaks it, you replace it, little lecture but she gets new stuff anyway. She breaks it you shout at her and empty her room of anything prescious to her. It's a total 180 and that's why it's unfair.

I'd work on a way she can earn it back, and if she has got something delicate,you or Dad need to supervise better. Not "don't pull that" and leave her to it but "right, give me that, I'll fix it later"