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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not be there when my dog is put to sleep?

115 replies

salair · 29/09/2024 08:42

My parents dog is going to be put to sleep soon. We got her when I was 16 and living at home.

Now she is aged 9, she has an incurable illness and so will need to be PTS.

So she was not quite a childhood pet, but was there during my college years and then every university holiday period. I also had another year with living with her during covid. I very much think of her as “my dog” rather than “my parents dog”. I really think I am one of her favourites too… 😓

I now live about a 4 hour drive away from my parents. Would I be unreasonable not to go and be there when the vet administers the dose?

OP posts:
merryandbrightdelight · 29/09/2024 08:44

Sorry to hear this op, losing a pet is so hard ❤️ no one can tell you what is best here, because it will always be down to how you are feeling. Either way, my thoughts are with you Flowers

dudsville · 29/09/2024 08:44

This is a personal decision. What are your thoughts about it?

Catza · 29/09/2024 08:44

What's your concern? That your parents will be upset id you don't go? That you will be upset if you don't go? That the dog will mind?
The answer very much depends on that

bozzabollix · 29/09/2024 08:44

Are your parents going to be there?

I think it’s important for someone to be there. I couldn’t be there for our dog last time as my 9yo was in bits and I had to deal with her, but my husband was there with her.

cryinglaughing · 29/09/2024 08:46

If you don't feel you can be there, don't go.

I have been with all my animals when they have departed this world, apart from one of my horses and I was advised not to be there.
My dh can't bring himself to go but I am not embarrassed by sobbing my little heart out whilst in the waiting room. I feel I owe it to my beloved animals to be with them but absolutely understand that it is too much for some people.

Sympathies @salair, sad times 😢

Swimmingatdusk · 29/09/2024 08:47

if you’re grieving her, which I imagine you might be, do what helps you best. If you think your parents really need your support then consider going if you can spare the time/travel cost and would be able to be an emotional support. If you don’t go, you could do something else to mark her passing in some way at some time.

Tornone · 29/09/2024 08:48

I don't think YABU not to go in, but I would drive to my parents to say goodbye to her.

CabbagesAndCeilingWax · 29/09/2024 08:48

Sorry to hear this. If she were going in for minor surgery (teeth out etc) would you feel the need to be there? As far as the dog is concerned, the two things are exactly the same.

I think these things are always harder on the human- if it's going to haunt you, then you should go, but as long as the dog has a trusted human with her, she'll be fine.

Hoppinggreen · 29/09/2024 08:49

I came on here to say that you should be there BUT it sounds like its more your parents dog so as long as one of them is there then its ok for you not to be.

TheNoodlesIncident · 29/09/2024 08:54

I don't think you have to be there too, no. You're a long way away and your parents will be there. Your parents see the dog and have care of the dog daily, so they are the important people to be there with her and offer comfort and reassurance.

The dog might enjoy your company above all others but she won't know these are her final moments and wish you were there, so to speak. I'm really sorry though, losing them is very hard Flowers

sunsetsandboardwalks · 29/09/2024 08:55

Why don't you want to go?

I do think it's the final act of kindness we can do for our animals - I've been there at the end and they really do look for their humans.

Konstantine8364 · 29/09/2024 08:57

I'm sorry about your dog xx If your parents are going to be with her at the vets in the room then I don't think you have to go if you cant, but absolutely someone should be in the room with her. In my opinion it's cowardly not to make their last moments as easy as possible with someone they love holding them.

Indianajet · 29/09/2024 08:59

I think it is important for someone they love and trust to be there - will one of your parents stay ?
I also found it helped me to be there as they slipped away, knowing they weren't frightened or lonely.

Greentreesandbushes · 29/09/2024 09:01

I would go see her, maybe not the vets if your parents are going, you might regret it otherwise

Sparklesandbeer · 29/09/2024 09:02

bozzabollix · 29/09/2024 08:44

Are your parents going to be there?

I think it’s important for someone to be there. I couldn’t be there for our dog last time as my 9yo was in bits and I had to deal with her, but my husband was there with her.

This is the most important question here

Original poster
salair · 29/09/2024 09:02

My parents will definitely be there when it happens. It’s just I would feel guilty for letting her down by not being strong enough to have the emotional capacity to be there too.

I think it’s because even though I live away now, she still sleeps at the foot of my bed, and will get excited and look for me if my name is mentioned.

OP posts:
CrossCuntry · 29/09/2024 09:06

With that info - If you could be there then if it were me I would. However 4 hour drive is no small task. It's such a personal decision - do your parents want you to go?

SleepyTerrier · 29/09/2024 09:07

This reply has been withdrawn

Post withdrawn due to privacy concerns

JT69 · 29/09/2024 09:09

From your posts OP, I think you might regret not being there. We all find the capacity from somewhere to be there, hard as it is. To comfort a much loved pet over the bridge is the final act of kindness.

SleepyTerrier · 29/09/2024 09:10

This reply has been withdrawn

Post withdrawn due to privacy concerns

DinosaurMunch · 29/09/2024 09:13

It really doesn't matter from the dog's point of view. She won't have any awareness of what's happening any more than any other vet visit.

Think about yourself and your parents - what would be best for you and them?

ThatAgileGoldMoose · 29/09/2024 09:13

Please have at least one of the family with her until she is asleep. They give two injections, one to sedate them (effectively a general anaesthetic so that they are asleep) and one to stop their heart & breathing. She won't be aware of anything after the first one, but I really do think they should have somebody from the family with them until they are asleep, for reassurance and to reduce stress and fear for them.

I went with my parents to put their last dog down, as I'd been in a similar situation to you, and I was the only one mobile enough to sit on the floor with her while the vet and vet nurse did their thing. I stroked her head and told her how good a dog she was. I think it's an honour to be able to be there for them in their last moments.

Having said that, she would have been treated very compassionately by the vet and vet nurse if none of us were there. Both of them teared up a little after it was done as we were leaving, which was very touching to witness. It has been a very straightforward euthanasia of an elderly dog who had had a good life, so their tears were 100% a sign of their compassion for her.

Whether you go and see her before then or not it's up to you. If you think she'd enjoy seeing you I'd do it to give her maximum joy in her last few days, as well as for myself.

ttcat37 · 29/09/2024 09:14

It’s the final kindness we give to our pets. It’s devastating and hard but I’d have massively regretted not being there for my pets. I’m so glad I was. All were peaceful goodbyes.

WowIlikereallyhateyou · 29/09/2024 09:15

ttcat37 · 29/09/2024 09:14

It’s the final kindness we give to our pets. It’s devastating and hard but I’d have massively regretted not being there for my pets. I’m so glad I was. All were peaceful goodbyes.

Agree.

Hoppinggreen · 29/09/2024 09:17

JT69 · 29/09/2024 09:09

From your posts OP, I think you might regret not being there. We all find the capacity from somewhere to be there, hard as it is. To comfort a much loved pet over the bridge is the final act of kindness.

While I do agree its not necessary for several people to be there.
When we have had pets PTS we all say good bye but then only 1 of us stays for the final bit and the otehrs wait outside