Heartbroken over porn use

[Cryingoverporn]

My husband and I had a very infrequent sex life. I found out that he was downloading hundreds of porn videos, whilst never having sex with me.

About a year ago we had a heart-to-heart, and he stopped watching porn and our sex life improved dramatically. However, over the last few months we are back to never having sex or hardly ever, and I looked at his laptop this evening ( he is at work), and he is downloading reams and reams of porn again.

I cannot compete with the girls in these videos. I’m reasonably attractive but I am 54 years old!! I feel absolutely heartbroken. He has experienced what a proper sex life is with me, as it was so good for six months, but he has obviously decided that he prefers the porn/other women, to me.

We have a great holiday coming up and lots of retirement plans, but I just feel absolutely done in, and I think for the first time ever, I’m actually truly ready to throw in the towel on our relationship over this. I cannot imagine going into retirement and being celibate, whilst he watches other women on a screen in another room.

Any advice? I feel fucking crushed. I think I need to move on. He’s had so many chances to put this right.

YADNBU. Porn is nothing but exploitation of women and that your DH is allowing it to destroy his relationship despite the previous discussion doesn’t reflect well on his respect for you. I’m sorry.

My advice, life’s too short.

leave and enjoy your retirement.

you’ve given him a chance.

sorry

I have been here before, as have many women. It is devastating to a relationship, not to mention your self esteem. He knows the damage he is causing yet chooses to continue. He won’t change, as you’ve discovered. And it is possible for men to stop using if they want to. It isn’t a need, it’s a desire they choose to fulfil.

Unfortunately it’s an addiction and it corroded his mind.

Time to let him go… maybe after the holiday?

I don’t understand why if he watches porn we have LESS sex? This is the kicker. Why? So we hardly have any sex now. My sex drive is high. I feel so fucking deceived.

Ah op I'm sorry. It was similar in some ways with my stbxh, our sex life had just died off a few years ago and i tried so hard from counselling to suggesting he went to the gp to encouraging our fitness and then I found out he'd been accessing huge amounts of porn over the last few years and the only reason I'd found out was police informing me because some of it was illegal as he'd veered into wanting more and more extreme content. Obviously not everyone will do that but it would be a concern.

Personally I'd be laying it out for him that either he seeks professional help for this or you'll leave. It's heartbreaking and it can really affect your self esteem and obviously in my case it's had massive ramifications for our entire family. He needs to knock it on the head now or you need to take care of yourself since he isn't.

About a year ago he stopped using porn and our sex life was amazing. I mean like off the charts. I thought everything would be ok. Then about 6 months ago everything just dried up. I resisted looking at his laptop. Tonight it was on and I looked. And bam. There it is. Why would anyone choose porn over their real life sex life?

Many reasons. For one, p*rn is an entirely selfish act. He doesn’t have to consider anyone but himself. He has limitless women (or men) to choose from. And it changes the brain via dopamine responses. Sex with a real partner becomes less exciting than wanking to a screen.

I’m sorry you went thru that. 🌷

Because its like a quick fix... he can take in the images or videos in a purely selfish way. In the case of my ex he said he had become completely desensitised to it all (obviously I take his word with a pinch of salt). But actual physical intimacy takes time and effort and consideration for the other person and energy etc, porn is like McDonald's- quick, easy, will leave you hungry soon after. Intimacy is a 3 course meal but you have to put much more effort into the cooking and cleanup?

It's all a reflection on him op, this is nothing to do with you or your appearance or anything you've done. This is all about his need for instant gratification..

I don’t think he wanks to it. I work from home.

I’ve sent him screen shots of his downloads on WA. Read but no reply.

I thought I could really trust him. Obviously not. My dad is really sick too, so this is an extra kick in the nuts.

What is it you think he’s doing with it?

Leave him. Life is too short to feel like this for another 25 years.

Porn addiction is a real thing. Men who become addicted to porn often end up being unable to get it up for the real thing. It’s not you. It’s him. Go to Reddit and check out the loveafterporn sub. It’s full of people in the same position as you. Porn addiction is becoming more and more prevalent. You’re not alone. Far from it. It will destroy your self esteem. I would end the relationship, take a friend or family member who’s fun on the holiday instead and go out and enjoy yourself. Maybe even chat up some blokes. Your husband is a literal w*nker. You can do better than that.

YANBU. Excessive porn use changes the brain and many men lose the ability to have regular sex without the visual stimulation they have come to depend on from porn. Porn hub for example has a landing screen with lots of tiny screens offering all kinds of porn, so users become accustomed to this hyper stimulation and a real life partner can’t compete. Porn changes the brain and destroys relationships. Specialist counselling (the Laurel Centre has info on their website about available support) may help him to address the underlying issues that are probably driving his use of porn but you are right to walk away if his behaviour has damaged your relationship beyond repair.

You know what’s so sad? Every else between us is SO good. Literally perfect. Do I end it over this? I’m so sad.

Come the fuck on! Like get your head of the damn clouds and be for real right now.

Would he agree to software that restricts the porn, assuming he is addicted to it? Something like Qustodio? It’s humiliating, since it’s aimed at children and it would only work if he was absolutely motivated to save the marriage.

If you knew the layout of our house you’d know why he wouldn’t have the privacy to wank.

I can’t be bothered with that now really. I think I need to move on.

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

Yes please mansplain more to us oh great wise one.

Woman here.

Don't stay sad. You're within your rights to move on.