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Original poster

Heartbroken over porn use

112 replies

Cryingoverporn · 28/09/2024 20:09

My husband and I had a very infrequent sex life. I found out that he was downloading hundreds of porn videos, whilst never having sex with me.

About a year ago we had a heart-to-heart, and he stopped watching porn and our sex life improved dramatically. However, over the last few months we are back to never having sex or hardly ever, and I looked at his laptop this evening ( he is at work), and he is downloading reams and reams of porn again.

I cannot compete with the girls in these videos. I’m reasonably attractive but I am 54 years old!! I feel absolutely heartbroken. He has experienced what a proper sex life is with me, as it was so good for six months, but he has obviously decided that he prefers the porn/other women, to me.

We have a great holiday coming up and lots of retirement plans, but I just feel absolutely done in, and I think for the first time ever, I’m actually truly ready to throw in the towel on our relationship over this. I cannot imagine going into retirement and being celibate, whilst he watches other women on a screen in another room.

Any advice? I feel fucking crushed. I think I need to move on. He’s had so many chances to put this right.

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 28/09/2024 22:29

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Porn addiction is a real thing. And it’s a FACT that many of these women in porn are absolutely exploited, trafficked and abused. Why tf are you in here? It’s called mumsnet not mansnet. Do men absolutely have to infiltrate all women’s spaces? You’re prob a heavy porn user yourself and by the sounds of it have a shitty opinion of women.

Pigeonqueen · 28/09/2024 22:33

I think - as someone who’s been with men with porn addiction in the past- you need to stop feeling there’s something wrong with you or that you can’t compete with these women - because a man that is addicted to porn will watch porn regardless of how much sex he’s being offered elsewhere in real life or not, and how young or stunning (or not) his partner is. It really isn’t anything to do with that for them. It’s almost like someone who likes eating custard creams will continue to eat custard creams regardless of however many other biscuits they have on offer or whether the other biscuits are better quality. It literally makes no difference. You’re fighting a losing battle trying to stop a man who watches porn stop watching porn. It will never happen. They just become more sneaky about it.

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 28/09/2024 22:33

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Obviously another wanker .

Pigeonqueen · 28/09/2024 22:33

And I would imagine even if he isn’t wanking whilst watching it he’s probably just knocking one out in the toilet soon afterwards.

TipsyJoker · 28/09/2024 22:37

Cryingoverporn · 28/09/2024 21:48

Because mine has ED

He has ED because he can only get it up to porn. There’s plenty men out there in their 50’s looking for a woman and who they can have sex with.

OrwellianTimes · 28/09/2024 22:42

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When porn takes over from actual real life sex you know there’s an actual real life problem.

OrwellianTimes · 28/09/2024 22:44

OP - it’s ultimatum time. Either he stops this or your relationship is over.

His porn use is not your fault.

StarDolphins · 28/09/2024 22:54

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This is just beyond vile on many levels. You can’t get enough of a connection with a porn addict. Get back on dadsnet.

FupaTrooper · 28/09/2024 22:54

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Gosh, its such a mystery why a lot of us feel negatively about men.

Having no emotional intelligence may be a factor.

You're right.

Men = psychology of sex experts.

Women = dumb nags that need to learn how to please their men and then they definitely won't ever cheat or watch porn excessively.

Celt2024 · 28/09/2024 23:00

Woman here. I suggest you ignore men trying to minimise to justify their own issues.

Nobody can tell you what to do, but it's important you face who he really is.

He's lied to you deliberately. He's broken your trust. He's chosen porn over you.

He has made these choices. Now you get to make yours.

Newlysinglemum1 · 29/09/2024 01:38

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@MaineHatton

It is not women's responsibility to fix the mess men make.

It is not ops responsibility to fix her husbands excessive and debilitating use of porn which is ruining their relationship.

With one comment you are not only insulting women by implying that we don't understand men and intimacy. And insulting men by implying that this adult is so helpless that he can't possibly help himself unless op sorts this out for him by single handedly taking responsibility for the emotional health of their relationship.

It sounds like you are a man who is completely oblivious to what a true connection looks like. Because its impossible when only one person is working on it. Ops husband needs to step up and meet her halfway. She can't do the emotional work for him nor should she.

Mamai100 · 29/09/2024 02:07

I had the perfect husband for ten years until I discovered his porn addiction.

Apparently he'd got addicted as a teen but when he got into a healthy sexual relationship it subsided (though his since admitted that he was still watching it, just less).

It's ruined our marriage. We still live together because we have two small children and we co parent really well but I couldn't go back so we're more like best friends and we'll continue this way for as long as it's working.

He attends SAA and said its basically all porn addicts.

Don't beat yourself up. You're not competing with those woman on the screen, your husband has an addiction so it's the addiction you can't compete against.

My marriage died the day I found out (it also involved messaging woman online and exchanging pictures). The man I thought I married was gone.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 29/09/2024 02:29

I have no objection to porn but it's the fact he has chosen it over you which is utterly humiliating.

Hope you've managed to have a discussion but no idea how I'd react to this.

coxesorangepippin · 29/09/2024 02:29

Man here.

^

Great. Words of wisdom indeed, oh holy one

QueenBitch666 · 29/09/2024 02:33

He prefers wanking to exploitative porn to having sex with you. Dump the twat

QueenBitch666 · 29/09/2024 02:35

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Fuck off. And when you get there fuck off some more you disgusting woman hating moron

Isittoolatea · 29/09/2024 03:10

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Man here ….and what do you want a gold fucking medal ????

My first piece of advice would be….we don’t want your advice FUCK OFF

Since it has a predominantly female audience… yeah it’s called Mumsnet for a reason ….FUCK OFF

More specifically, women who are completely oblivious when it comes to sex….who do you think you are fucking Hugh Hefner?

Focus on the psychology of establishing a true connection and he won't need to go near porn…..how about you focus on yourself? Your obviously so bored you feel the need to come on a female platform and ‘give advice’

If I throw a stick will you leave?

kkloo · 29/09/2024 03:22

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And you quite clearly are completely oblivious when it comes to sex, the psychology of sex and natural female desire 😂

I don't have a problem with porn, but porn addicts are not sexy, the last thing I'd be doing is to try to make him prefer me over a screen. A man who prefers to watch porn than have sex with a real woman emasculates himself. Sure, some women will get upset about it and let it affect their self esteem and maybe they will try to compete for a while, but after that they tend to be massively turned off him and see him as pathetic and then move on to men who actually want to have sex with a real life woman.

Mayyay · 29/09/2024 03:34

pinkleopardess · 28/09/2024 21:16

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

Yes please mansplain more to us oh great wise one.

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I’ve heard it all now. No words really

Mayyay · 29/09/2024 03:34

Mayyay · 29/09/2024 03:34

I’ve heard it all now. No words really

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Sorry quoted wrong post

Sceptical123 · 29/09/2024 05:13

Cryingoverporn · 28/09/2024 21:12

If you knew the layout of our house you’d know why he wouldn’t have the privacy to wank.

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Not even in the toilet/bathroom?

-edit for typo

Original poster
Cryingoverporn · 29/09/2024 08:34

Would anyone divorce over this? I’m so lost right now. I love him and we have a good relationship but how can we move past him choosing porn over sex with me? He KNOWS that I want sex. I’ve made it perfectly clear.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cryingoverporn · 29/09/2024 08:36

I texted him last night to say I’d found all the porn. He was working late. By the time he got home I was in bed. He slept in the spare room. Any ideas what to say from my point of view? How can I get across my feelings with IMPACT? Something that will make him get it from my side?

OP posts:
cherrysonata · 29/09/2024 08:47

If you want sex and he doesn't (which seems to be the crux of the matter) have you asked your DH if he'd be ok with you having a discreet FWB? Seems mad to throw away an otherwise good relationship over just one issue.

Personally the porn issue wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but we're all different.

HazelPlayer · 29/09/2024 08:56

As above, you could suggest you have a fwb for sex.

You would have a lot of options.

I don't think he'll go for that though. And it's opening the door for him to move to sex with other people, like cam sex etc.

If you end the relationship and have sex with someone else; why does it have to be a man in his 50s??

Is it that you only want sex in a long-term committed cohabiting situation? Because you could have sex with a nan of any age if it's casual-ish.
(Yes, the age range would probably be narrower for a serious relationship).

Anyway, even if it is only 50 something men, I'm sure there are men in their 50s who don't have ED. I'm sure you can find one who wants a sex life and is functional.