Heartbroken over porn use

[Cryingoverporn]

My husband and I had a very infrequent sex life. I found out that he was downloading hundreds of porn videos, whilst never having sex with me.

About a year ago we had a heart-to-heart, and he stopped watching porn and our sex life improved dramatically. However, over the last few months we are back to never having sex or hardly ever, and I looked at his laptop this evening ( he is at work), and he is downloading reams and reams of porn again.

I cannot compete with the girls in these videos. I’m reasonably attractive but I am 54 years old!! I feel absolutely heartbroken. He has experienced what a proper sex life is with me, as it was so good for six months, but he has obviously decided that he prefers the porn/other women, to me.

We have a great holiday coming up and lots of retirement plans, but I just feel absolutely done in, and I think for the first time ever, I’m actually truly ready to throw in the towel on our relationship over this. I cannot imagine going into retirement and being celibate, whilst he watches other women on a screen in another room.

Any advice? I feel fucking crushed. I think I need to move on. He’s had so many chances to put this right.

Tell him as you need sex you will be opening the marriage to having sex elsewhere. His reaction to that should tell you all you need to know.

I don’t want a FWB situation. I just wanted a normal marriage with a reasonable sex life. I wouldn’t mind the porn so much if it was alongside a good sex life. But it isn’t. I’m almost celibate because of this. He’s choosing it over me.

How can I get across my feelings with IMPACT? Something that will make him get it from my side?

Mate I'm genuinely not trying. to be hurtful but ...

You have no difficulty expressing yourself, you are articulate, you have told him your feelings before, you have made it clear already. He already knows.

You are thinking there is some new or special way that you can express yourself ..that will make him realise and stop, but there isn't.

He realised. That's why he stopped and your sex life became good again.

He knows. He knows all about it.

And, due to whatever reasons, he has let excessive porn use slip back and your sex life slip away again. It's been his choice and his inclination.

There are no special words to make him realise and change.

You've been through it all already.

There are a lot of people out there. One would imagine you could meet one solitary man around your age who doesn't use porn to excess and wants a sex life.

You only need one.

If you want to save this relationship, I'd suggest changing your approach.. ask him why he's watching porn and not having sex with you.

If he tries to minimise the impact, then you simply tell him you're a human being who is in a monogamous relationship and would like to have sex with their partner. This doesn't happen when he's consuming mounds of porn, so the porn is a problem.

You don't really need to be told what to say - be blunt. Tell him it makes you feel like shit that a phone or computer screen is being prioritised.

If he really doesn't get the "impact" from a blunt explanation, then he's purposely minimising rsther than ignorant, and if that's the case then nothing you say will matter - he's made his choice.

But yes, first ask him why. It could be an addiction. If it is, he needs to face it head on and get help. He could genuinely prefer it to you... I'd say his loss really. Plenty of single men out there who are probably fed up with having to use porn and would love to have a real woman in their bed.

I would absolutely leave someone over this, if they chose the porn. Its very painful - its happened before, ex was an addict. It's one thing to have no sex drive for health reasons or what not (would not make me leave), it's another to have a sex drive but "using" it on porn instead of your actual partner 100% of the time.

Just to add, you said the relationship is otherwise perfect..

But you want a sex life and he's not offering one. He's rejecting you/not seeking sex with you and using porn to excess instead.

This would be perfect if he was with a women who doesn't want a sex life for whatever reasons (and has no ethical objections to porn use).
But he's not.

So it's like saying "this car is perfect, aside from the fact that the engine isn't working".

MaineHatton , bloody hard work, is it really worth it ?

If you have no kids together or your kids are grown up, and you'd be ok financially...... Why flog a dead horse.

He had his chance and he's thrown it away.

He clearly thinks you're not going to end the relationship with him.
That's part of the reason he's slipped back to the excess porn use and not bothering to try to have sex with you.

(As an aside, I'm a bit confused about how the sex life was great but you mentioned him having ED.

Also, if he has ED, maybe that's one of the reasons he prefers porn, no "performance" requirement).

If you want to save this relationship, I'd suggest changing your approach.. ask him why he's watching porn and not having sex with you.
If he tries to minimise the impact, then you simply tell him you're a human being who is in a monogamous relationship and would like to have sex with their partner. This doesn't happen when he's consuming mounds of porn, so the porn is a problem.

A. Why is it only op who's trying to save the relationship?
He had his chance to save it and he's chucked it away. He's now saying nothing and has gone to the spare room. Where is his fight to save the relationship (that he already reneged on saving)?

B. I have a feeling the op has said something approaching what you have suggested, already.

Thanks everyone. The ED was cured with tablets. Kids are grown up and not his. He’s getting up!

You don't, you find one in his 30s.

Re: ED my STBXH had ED and couldn't maintain an erection for sex. He could, however, masturbate to the point of ejaculation when it was non erect (I asked him, he confirmed that).

When we went into lockdown and he started working from home he wanked himself silly in the shower, or in bed whenever I took the kids out anywhere. Used to treat himself to some viagra for himself, too.

He totally rejected any kind of physical touch from me and then when I eventually left him (for multiple reasons, but all boiled down to him being a selfish prick) had the cheek to say I made him feel rejected as he'd put on weight.

Leave this arsehole, op.

And why are you worrying about not finding another man? What's this one bringing to your life? You don't need a man to live a happy life.

You just say how it is. He has chosen porn over his own willing wife.

Quite clearly he has an addiction to porn so he needs to make a choice. You or the porn.

And if he chooses you and you ever find any porn on his computer then it's marriage over and he leaves.

And if he chooses you and you ever find any porn on his computer....

This has already happened.

That's why the op posted.

Well, we had a LONG talk. He insisted that the porn was downloaded to take on our upcoming holiday, because I had suggested we watch some raunchy stuff together. I don't believe him, but, as I DID suggest that very recently, I can't prove or disprove what he is saying. The last time we were on holiday, we had sex twice or three times a day, and he said he wants to get back to that. So, I guess time will tell. Currently we're only managing about once a month!! Our working patterns don't help, as we are sometimes passing ships, but still!

So that's a very boring update, and I'll have to wait and see if a) he brings it on holiday, and b) if we have more sex on holiday.

I think you’re giving him very mixed messages about how you feel about porn if you’re suggesting you watch it together on holiday.

So gross. An older man watching 18 year olds, so so so fucking grim. When he has a real woman wanting him. HOW on earth can porn ever be better than a real love woman he can have sex with!!

If you suggested watching videoes together and he has a history of over-watching porn, why didn't you take charge and download some videos yourself? By making that suggestion, you have let him take advantage of it.
However, apart from this, if his porn use is directly affecting your sex life, then sex therapy would be useful in exploring this. That would also give you a clearer view of the future of your marriage.

Sorry OP but you have know the most porn is just exploitation of women at best, at worst it happens without consent. Specifically if he is using Porn Hub they had to take down about 70% of monetised content recently as it was either under age or abuse etc and uploaded without consent.

I could not be with a man like that.

You have your answer. He sees you as a friend, companion call it what you will. If he wanted to have a sexual relationship with you he would..he doesn’t. For whatever reason he’s made that choice. Speaking from experience here, it’s now your choice. Platonic with little or no sex or leave. It’s truly horrible, honestly it really is. I stayed and just don’t care about it anymore , we’re friends. I’m sorry.

Just to be clear, my situation is a DH with a dwindled, low, apathetic sex drive after 20+ years. Mine’s probably normal, bit up bit down. No idea if he is watching porn. He’s not interested in changing things, just a nice man who doesn’t find sex important…still hits your self esteem hard when you’re rejected though. It all comes down to rejection and how we handle it.

Very good.
Leave and enjoy are the important bits!

Or completely redundant.

I’m puzzled. He was watching it without you knowing, so I thought when you were out, asleep or in another room.

Does the layout of your home mean you’re always together in the same room? That would mean he’s watching it while you’re in the room with him but you haven’t noticed. That’s very weird of him

I think that’s a good update OP and kind of makes sense as you felt he wasn’t masturbating at home.