I love my kids but they have not turned out as I hoped

[Pepsimaz]

I have young adult kids who live at home and I’ve brought them up alone as a single parent (with one day a week contact with their dad) his choice. I had a family who gave some help with childcare if I had to work, I worked part time and always tried to make sure I was there for them helping them doing home work and all the school pick ups. I had their friends round for sleepovers, gave them birthday parties, we had a nice life although on a budget with affordable UK break holidays. They always had clean clothes and food in the house and toys and stuff.

I supported them with their life choices to work retail jobs and not go to uni as I didn’t go to uni myself so no judgement on that. I didn’t have boyfriends move in. They used to help out in the house with chores and get pocket money and we were a team. I’ve done all the lifts here and there, helped them learn to drive. I wasn’t too strict or too lenient on them, they had rules in the house and would lose a device or be expected to apologise for bad behaviour.

the lockdown was the worst thing that happened to our relationship. They were hanging at home all day from college & 6th form with not much to do and I was juggling a very stressful job, the house, money and everything. I worried they were depressed so I tried to make sure they had help and support available to them but they started to act resentful and rude towards me and I probably resent them a bit too now.

I now feel trapped in my own home with rude and disrespectful brats who come and go as they please dropping shit everywhere and yelling at me if I ever ask them to help out. They do zero chores, they trash the house, blame each other for everything. From me going out to work for 9 hours I come back and feel depressed as the house stinks of old food, the bathroom is always disgusting, their rooms are a mess and they just come back home from work or friends, expect to use the washing machine and shower and mess up the kitchen then disappear for a few days. I clear it all up and then it’s nice for a day or 2 then back to being awful. When I try to talk to them they say well am never here, it was my sibling who did other or that they are too busy and have other things to do.

I am not important, I feel like a servant who is just trash to them. Whenever I try to tell them how I am feeling or why my time isn’t important too they just say I’m selfish and make everything about me. I don’t even have high standards. They won’t leave I’ve asked them to move out. I’ve added up that I cleaned up all this mess on Tuesday, Thursday and today and it took about 2-3 hours each time. This involves bleaching the bathroom which is covered in hair, toothpaste, splats of all their products up the walls and mirrors, hoovering the downstairs but first I have to pick everything up like trash spread around, sorting out the cats mess (their cat they never help), finding all the stuff to load into the dishwasher, scraping all the plates that didn’t clean the first time in the dishwasher because they don’t rinse them, taking out all the rubbish which I have to sort into recycling. They block up all the sinks somehow. I don’t even get round to cleaning other stuff like the windows or sorting out the garden because I’m doing all the work indoors.

I know the answer is to throw them out I suppose I believe this is my own fault I have raised these kids and the way they have turned out I only have myself to blame?

Can you tell them very clearly the rules if they are to stay. It’s affecting your mental health and they either start showing respect or find their own place. I think the idea of downsizing to a one bed isn’t a bad idea if that is an option??

I think the amount of rent you charge is way too low. I was paying £85 a week for university halls back in 2005 and that wasn't in London. You should charge them closer to a house share so they're getting a sense of what it actually costs to live in terms of rent, council tax, water, gas, electricity etc. Upping the rent to closer to what they'd have to pay living independently might make them more inclined to look for their own place and might help them see how lucky they actually are. And I agree with others who've said that a flatmate wouldn't be putting up with their shit around the place. The house share arguing over the washing up is probably a bit of a young adult rite of passage. It'll hit differently when it's not their mother doing the telling off.

Sorry, not read all the posts but you could start by telling them to clean up after their mess and if it's not done by xyz date, then it's going in the bin. For example, leaving clothes everywhere. 'Pick it up and take it to your room or I'm going to bin it'. ( then if it's not done, put it in bin bags then hide it in the garage/shed. Then when they ask wheres my top/jeans etc... you can say, I told u to tidy it away and you didn't so ive binned it. Let them stew over that for a day or so, then bring it back out. ) Hopefully they will have learnt a lesson. You may have to follow through one day if they've not learnt. At least there will be less clutter if you've binned their stuff.

Stop clearing up after them. I suggest you all live like housemates for a few weeks to the point there are no more clean knives and forks to use. All the pans are dirty and there's no more clean clothes. Hopefully, they will start cleaning. It's a test of your will power. Stash some clean stuff in your own bedroom.

Or, move in with your sibling for a couple of months and let them fend for themselves. See how they get on without you.

Hope it all works out for you.

So what if they can't afford it?

Move out. Force them to live in the real world. They are clearly not interested in changing back into decent human beings as things stand, so you're going to have to force the issue. That's on them, not you.

Or serve them eviction notices and tell them locks will be changed and their items will be removed at that time.

Yes they need to move out. They can get a room in a house share like many of us did as young adults. I lived in and out of house share arrangements until I was in my 30’s.

if they can’t afford to rent a room
then they need to improve their work situation. In their 20s you’ve done your duty as a mum. If they think they still need to live with a parent then they can move in with their Dad.

can you afford the rent on your own? Would you be more comfortable on a smaller place on your own? Maybe you need to give notice on your rental, tell the adult kids time is up, and find yourself a cozy 1 bedroom apartment for a year so them living with you is not an option.

Discourage them from living together. Their dynamic is not working. They need to live with house mates who will either sort them out or kick them out. Either way, it’s time for them to grow up and figure out how to live as independent adults. You’ve done what you can, now it’s time for them to figure it out for themselves.

signed, someone who’s kids are not yet this age, so take my advice with a grain of salt as I have no experience with this!

You haven’t done anything wrong - it is just time for them to move on. We raise our children and then, at a certain point, they need (for their own development) to go out into the world and apply all we have given them to real life. Many people in their 20s are dicks - the writer Nora Ephron said you have to wait until your kids are about 34 before your know whether you did a good job or not!

Developmentally, we need time as young adults to try and fail away from the family unit. We may come back - but one reason uni is good is because it scaffolds the leaving and trying life out experience. You now need to sit down with your kids and explain it is time for them to try out life alone.

If it makes you feel better I now cringe to think how I treated by parents and their house as a young woman. I’m now close to them, have a good job, kids and stable marriage / all they might have hoped for. So don’t despair, just take control as a mother and help them transition to the next stage.

@Motherofone22
You know what, they would expect me to fucking find the room for them to rent then move all their shit in too probably*
It’s clear from this attitude that you resent them, I’m sure they have picked up on this.
This isn't resentment, this is a woman/mum at her exhausted wits-end, knowing that whatever she does for her kids isn't ever enough....She jumps 10ft high, and they shout higher.

I think you should try and fix your relationship with them as it sounds strained, and perhaps then they will respect you more and make an effort to clean the house.
How about they should try and fix their relationship with their mum. They're adults. They've been asked and told and asked again to help. Effort shouldn't come into it, recognition of their responsibility towards the home should.

If you want to kick them out then go ahead, but don’t be coming here complaining that they never talk to you in a few months. Especially if you go about it in a ‘they’ll expect me to move all their shit in too’ way.
Way to go at guilt-tripping!

Sorry but you are their mother? Of course you should help them. Why have kids in the first place if you wouldn’t expect to help them. Sorry but you are their mother? Of course you should help them. Why have kids in the first place if you wouldn’t expect to help them.
More guilt tripping. She didn't have kids to be treated like this either. You're correct, she's their MUM not an 18thC skivvy. Throughout their lives she has fed, clothed, housed, educated, and protected them, with the aim that they would grow up to be independent adults .

They’ve never lived alone before and you are annoyed about helping them move their stuff in? Wow.
I dare say that had they behaved as you would expect young, responsible, thoughtful, kind, adults to be, then OP would be delighted to help them in the next stage of their life. But by their actions they have shown/told their mum that whatever she does isn't good enough, to the point she is desperate to live apart from them. Read OPs posts again.
Not once have you mentioned their DDad. Where is he? What role has he played in the development of their attitude towards their mum. Has he disagreed with their behaviour, or has he actively encouraged it. You decide.

Give up the babying. They're adults capable of making adult decisions and doing adult things, including maintaining a house. You can give them a final chance - they are to maintain the house, if they do not and it's in the same state in 4 weeks time, then they're leaving. It's not up for debate.

In the same vein, they need to pull their bloody heads in and speak with you respectfully. If they are unable to do this, they are out. Rudeness and aggression will not be tolerated and if it happens they have 1 week to find somewhere else.a

Whether or not they continue to live with you is entirely up to them. Only they can change their attitude and start actively contributing to household maintenance.

If you don't follow through, then nothing will improve, so you'll need to make sure it happens.

Your other option is to wait till your lease is up and move yourself into your own property. Obviously give them notice of this so they can find their own places too, but be clear you will not be living together.

It's great renting a room in a houseshare. You learn to really appreciate your family and home, meet some "characters" and so get life experience, make amazing friends, learn independence and get confidence from that, and in my case, even meant my partner there - 10 years, 2 kids and still going strong.

I got so fed up asking mine to help that I put up their rent to a more realistic amount and quietly got a cleaner.

(With the added benefit that the cost of rent, whilst still a shock, will be less so).

My kids were kind of the same. They would all blame each other for every mess, make such a carry on if asked to tidy their rooms that I'd just give up, refuse to do any chore in the house (see 'blaming one another for everything') - I tried a chore chart and they'd instantly swap 'their' chore with a sibling, then refuse to do that sibling's chore in return on the grounds that 'it wasn't their job...' etc etc.

They've all turned out to be decent, sensible and clean human beings, so there is hope. Some of the arguments when they were growing up made me despair that they would ever lift a finger but they've all got their own houses and partners and they behave like normal people. It took leaving home and realising how much work it is to keep a house in order for them to grow up!

Your kid told you to get lost when you texted goodnight? That's just heartbreaking, Pepsi. I'm so sorry. Mums love their children so much, it's awful to hear a child treating a parent like that. I was in my early twenties when my mum got cancer, and she died of it a few years later. She was so so precious to me. Your kids are so SO lucky to have you. They will regret this dreadful behaviour in future years, believe you me.

Agree with this… although I don’t want to shame you or make you feel bad. .. because honestly university kids can be disrespectful too, but a retail job just isn’t going to cut it anymore with the increasing rising cost of living. You can still encourage them to go to UNI, and move out.

Spareroom.co.uk

Oh people are going to hate me but Imma say it anyways. You have helped create this.

You have a very codependent relationship with them and continue to do too much while growing more resentful. That's not helping them. It's not helping you. You are hurting yourself and blaming them.

You say you worked part time while raising them as a single mom. On the one hand that's awesome! Honestly, as a single mom myself I'm impressed you were able to afford to do that and go on vacations. BUT on the other hand it sounds like you were way too involved when they were older. It doesn't sound like there was much breathing room for anyone.

Ds and I really close because it's just the two of us. Because of his sn's we've been overly enmeshed at times. As he's hit 13 there's definitely a shift for both of us.

They are responsible for cleaning up after themselves. Being respectful. Paying thier rent.

They aren't responsible for your happiness though.

If you are miserable with the situation then change it. Don't continue the cycle. It's hurting everyone involved.

Renting a room in a houseshare is what my mates and I aspired to.
And it was certainly a way to get some independence and also realise that you couldn’t take the piss - too much - in terms of housework.
Lasting friendships from it, too.

Dear Lady, you've got to move them out.. for their own sakes, early 20s soon turns into late 20s and God forbid they are still living at home in their early 30s.. This cannot go on. I'm in a public facing job and deal with a lot of folk. Although it pains me to say it I find the early 20s crowd one of the most entitled, selfish and rude age groups. I'm utterly appalled that you texted one of your children "Goodnight" and was told to get lost. I'm sorry love but that is unforgivable and spiteful behaviour. You need to move them on for your sanity AND health.

Then do that - it will be worth it!

And if they end up renting a room in a shared house it might teach them to be cleaner and more respectful

They are old enough to go and grow up

IKR?

I lived in a place with no heating, and damp. I lived three in a one bedroomed flat. I lived in really terrible places, including one tied to a voluntary job.

You work your way up to a nice flat, or to buy if possible. But at some point you have to make the first step.

I don’t think that a retail job is a realistic career choice in the current climate. They won’t ever earn enough to move out. They don’t have many options to grow in what they are doing and it may be affecting their behaviour. Uni is not the only option, I’d insist on more training or education of some sort.

This is true, but restating this (which has been done by many on this thread) doesn't really help the OP.

I think this is one of those situations where advice is best given from experience. It's a messy situation and I see many replies telling the OP to kick 'em out that I am sure are from people who have never come close to doing anything of the sort to their children. If they have, they should say so and they should say honestly whether it was a success or a total shitshow.

OP you need a new refreshed chapter in your life.

You have raised your DCs. You have done a great job single handedly.

Time is for you all to move on to new pastures and challenges.

Take time to fantasize about an immaculate one bed flat - calm, peaceful, fresh, cheaper and clean.

Set about achieveing that.

Your current situation is draining your and depleting your physical and MH.

It also sounds like your DCs need to move on from each other to shift the negative, disrespectful and stale dynamic.

Give notice to your LL. Find somewhere new for you.

Let your DCs crack on with their lives. If money is tight for them - then it may inspire them to upskill - or they can get a few extra shifts or develop a side hustle. Hard work never killed anyone.

I guarantee that your realtionship with each of them separately will flourish in this new chapter. See them one on one.

Maybe their DF can step up during this time to support the logistics for their transition. I suspect they will be resourceful and find an opportunity to rent with a friend or a friend of a friend etc.

Good luck to you OP.

Set yourself a target of being in your fresh new abode for 1st Dec.

I'd sit them down and tell them taht things have now reached a point where there are two options:

1. You end your current tenancy and get a one bed place with them having to find rooms to rent wherever they can.
2. Their behaviour changes, fast, and any lapses will be punished. Any clothes lying around go in the bin. Any toiletry messes left eg up the shower their products get thrown in the bin. Any plates etc left dirty end up in their bed. Etc. There will be a 3 strikes and you're out system - whereby if in a week there are three lapses you go back to option 1 - move out. If they agree to this plan and are vaguely good at it you must hold the boundaries and do the binning but I'd try to praise them as well or do nice things together to support the relationship.

Good luck!

It's not your fault OP, lockdown has messed up so many things.
I do think it would be better if they could be heavily nudged into fledging now, being trapped in this liminal zone where you live in your childhood home as an adult isnt ideal for most people. They need to feel the weight of the real world.