I love my kids but they have not turned out as I hoped

[Pepsimaz]

I have young adult kids who live at home and I’ve brought them up alone as a single parent (with one day a week contact with their dad) his choice. I had a family who gave some help with childcare if I had to work, I worked part time and always tried to make sure I was there for them helping them doing home work and all the school pick ups. I had their friends round for sleepovers, gave them birthday parties, we had a nice life although on a budget with affordable UK break holidays. They always had clean clothes and food in the house and toys and stuff.

I supported them with their life choices to work retail jobs and not go to uni as I didn’t go to uni myself so no judgement on that. I didn’t have boyfriends move in. They used to help out in the house with chores and get pocket money and we were a team. I’ve done all the lifts here and there, helped them learn to drive. I wasn’t too strict or too lenient on them, they had rules in the house and would lose a device or be expected to apologise for bad behaviour.

the lockdown was the worst thing that happened to our relationship. They were hanging at home all day from college & 6th form with not much to do and I was juggling a very stressful job, the house, money and everything. I worried they were depressed so I tried to make sure they had help and support available to them but they started to act resentful and rude towards me and I probably resent them a bit too now.

I now feel trapped in my own home with rude and disrespectful brats who come and go as they please dropping shit everywhere and yelling at me if I ever ask them to help out. They do zero chores, they trash the house, blame each other for everything. From me going out to work for 9 hours I come back and feel depressed as the house stinks of old food, the bathroom is always disgusting, their rooms are a mess and they just come back home from work or friends, expect to use the washing machine and shower and mess up the kitchen then disappear for a few days. I clear it all up and then it’s nice for a day or 2 then back to being awful. When I try to talk to them they say well am never here, it was my sibling who did other or that they are too busy and have other things to do.

I am not important, I feel like a servant who is just trash to them. Whenever I try to tell them how I am feeling or why my time isn’t important too they just say I’m selfish and make everything about me. I don’t even have high standards. They won’t leave I’ve asked them to move out. I’ve added up that I cleaned up all this mess on Tuesday, Thursday and today and it took about 2-3 hours each time. This involves bleaching the bathroom which is covered in hair, toothpaste, splats of all their products up the walls and mirrors, hoovering the downstairs but first I have to pick everything up like trash spread around, sorting out the cats mess (their cat they never help), finding all the stuff to load into the dishwasher, scraping all the plates that didn’t clean the first time in the dishwasher because they don’t rinse them, taking out all the rubbish which I have to sort into recycling. They block up all the sinks somehow. I don’t even get round to cleaning other stuff like the windows or sorting out the garden because I’m doing all the work indoors.

I know the answer is to throw them out I suppose I believe this is my own fault I have raised these kids and the way they have turned out I only have myself to blame?

I would be letting them know that I am at the end of my tether and will be using this option if there is no improvement by 'x' amount of time.
It might be possible to renegotiate things from a distance & ultimately surely they need you more than you need them?
It might be that their behaviour is mostly 'knee jerk'; too many adults in the household and the pecking order has broken down triggering them into vying for dominance & trying to usurp you. I'd say this is unconscious behaviour.

You were probably too nice op that’s all. I have single parent friends who are lovely and through some sort of guilt have been far more tolerant than I would ever be. Plus no back up makes it harder. Be a bit nicer to yourself.

They need a big ‘eviction’ sign on their door with a deadline. Enough is enough.

I think you are too nice OP, reading more of your responses. It won’t pay off and you will only run yourself into the ground and your kids won’t appreciate it ever. Time to be firm with the kids and tell them to move out within X timeframe, no matter what.

It’s possible that the kids are having problems with their dad or are otherwise not mentally in a great place, but this current situation carrying on won’t do anything to help them with that, quite the opposite.

Do you have a friend or relative @Pepsimaz, who could come over to support you during any discussion about this? Is there anyone they wouldn’t want to see them behaving at their worst?

It sounds a bit like the lockdowns got everyone out of routine, was hard on everyone and as a result they weren't expected to develop into fully responsible adults. That might have been fine during a period of exceptional stress/difficulty, but it's carried on, and they're in a state of arrested development - they're "kidults" who are adults chronologically but not socially/emotionally.

You know the answer OP - as long as you keep doing things and sorting things for them (assuming none of your kids have SEN as it's not been mentioned) they won't learn to deal with adult life and responsibilities. Resenting your parents for having kids and throwing that at then whenever they have to clean the bathroom is teenage behaviour that they need to grow out of. Nobody is doing any favours here by keeping this situation going. Yes, they may be angry - there may be a period of little or even no contact, and you may need to be prepared to weather that while they deal with being "ousted" from the nest. I guess only you can decide if that's something you're prepared to risk in order to change the situation long term for the better.

It sounds a bit to me as though you only have one problem child actually, and the other one is just a bit helpless. Would it help to address these two separate problems with two different solutions?

Sounds like helpless child has given you some clues about what would help, asking for a chore chart etc. No need to be juvenile and make an actual chart, but why not have a job list stuck to the fridge so everyone is reminded of all the things that don't do themselves.

Angry child is another matter. That text is bloody awful and they need to be told that you won't tolerate that kind of rudeness. Could he/she move in with their father? It sounds a bit as though that relationship is actually the problem, so maybe they need to live together and work on it. If they insist on living with you, they need to stop being so nasty.

You are some lucky that they are in jobs where it is possible for them to move out and pay rent.

….got told to get lost
wtf? I would be putting all their belongings in black bags outside the door while they’re at work and refusing to let them back in the house.
Possibly without this one at home things would improve with the other child.

I know I’ll probably get flamed for this but it doesn’t feel as if the OP is totally blameless here.

Should the adult kids be helping out? Of course. No question.

But it also feels as if OP is prone to a bit of exaggeration and getting worked up over nothing. She said that one of the kids spilt icing sugar and thought they’d cleaned it up - but OP said they hadn’t done it sufficiently and “the whole kitchen was a sticky mess”. I really find that hard to believe.

Likewise, the amount of scrubbing OP is describing to wipe off a bit of toothpaste etc seems ludicrously over the top.

If the OP is being a bit OTT at home or constantly criticising/being overly dramatic, I can well imagine that things are at boiling point.

Yes, the kids should be clearing up after themselves but the OP sounds as if she’s also quite hard going. It makes me wonder if the mess/untidiness are quite as bad as described. Theres lots here that sounds overblown, probably because OP is so pissed off and maybe not seeing it all objectively.

Loads of good advice here from PP - I like the warning re putting things in the bin if not picked up. Favourite clothes disappearing will soon get that bad habit sorted out.

A schedule of chores so everyone knows what needs doing and when.

Also, I think you let them have their bedrooms however they want. If they don’t change the sheet for “eight weeks” that’s up to them. The rest of the house it’s reasonable to expect them to stay clean and clear up but lots of PP mention housemates, you wouldn’t have any say over a housemate’s private room, only the communal areas, and I think that’s a good compromise here.

I think you need to take the heat out of all of this and set non-negotiable but reasonable boundaries.

Also, if your child really did actually tell you to get lost, then that needs to stop. Zero tolerance for disrespect- I assume you talk to THEM respectfully too though? It has to be a two-way street.

Clear, firm boundaries and some areas of compromise - this doesn’t need to cause such angst.

Try spare room.com

A very valid observation.. OP, Is the child that replied in that horrible text the "ringleader" of sorts, because if so I would be breaking that chain X

I agree that it is probably time the kids moved out, but in the time it takes to get them to move on, you need to protect your sanity and your living space.

every bit of crap they leave lying in shared spaces gets chucked in their room- just everything you find, gather up and throw into their rooms, then shut the door. Yes it may get smelly but you need to outlast them- until they realise that mess they leave will end up on their bed, they won’t stop making messes. Keep a lock on your door and hide the clean plates and food in there until you can coax the kids to think it will be more fun living out on their own (spoiler alert, it won’t be more fun but they need to learn to respect you and your space).

You're clearly a caring and supportive mum, but it sounds like your children are acting more like teenagers than adults in their 20s. By that age, many of us had already moved out, were living independently, or starting families—even without formal education, as was the case for me. My siblings and I had all left home by our late teens or early 20s.

The way your children are treating you isn’t fair, and it's completely reasonable to set boundaries. Giving them a clear deadline to move out, such as "by this date, you need to find somewhere to live," will give them the push they need. It will motivate them to take their jobs and independence seriously, something they really need at this stage of life.

The most loving thing you can do is trust that you’ve given them a strong foundation, and now it's their turn to figure things out. Just as you did, they can find a place to rent, move in with friends, or explore other options. They'll learn how to stand on their own two feet.

The alternative is that they continue to act like teenagers, living under your roof while straining your relationship and home environment. You shouldn't feel guilty—setting this boundary will ultimately be one of the biggest gifts you can give them, helping them grow into responsible, self-reliant adults.

What I would do is send them with an email of house rules and consequences.

I’d also up their rent and hire a cleaner so you come home to a clean welcoming place once a week, this will help get things back in shape. With strict instructions not to touch their bedrooms.

One of my house rules since I moved into a rental was that their rooms were to be kept clean daily, and suitcases unpacked within 24 hours of arriving for those coming from college etc. They also must put dishes in the dishwasher.

If my child did what yours did they’d be shown the door. I’d be putting items on the floor in the bin, and dirty dishes into their beds. But I’d warn them on the list first. That list should also have jobs on it for them to do. Like the bathroom cleaning, the bins, mopping, hoovering etc.

I don’t subscribe to the school of thought that says their room can be any way they want it, my house, my rules, especially since they are young adults. I would never visit someone’s house, leave a mess, not change sheets etc.

I think to some degree it’s just their ages. I have a 15, 18 and 24yo at home. The 18 and 24yo are always out after work and college and often stay at friends/partners several nights a week. The 24yo is generally tidy but the 18yo isn’t. The 15yo isn’t particularly helpful either. However my rule is if they want me to make dinner the kitchen must be clean by time I get home from work. If it isn’t I’ll not make a nice hot dinner, they have to find themselves something. Sticking to my guns with this for a few weeks means I now usually get home to the washing up put away and the counters wiped.

Pack up their basics. Put them and their stuff in the car, if you have one, or a taxi, and send them to their father's. Change the locks.

“A ship is safest in harbour but that’s not what it was built for”
My favourite analogy for young adults who need to fledge; because they need to get out there on the high seas and steer their own ship. Your home can always be safety of the harbour when needed but from now on it should be a temporary refuge eg. in-between tenancies, relationship breakdowns, job losses, a visit for a week on annual leave etc., before they relaunch and sail away again.

They sound really miserable and after talking it out on you for so long a toxic dynamic is really entrenched.

Have you talked to them like you have to us here? Pre COVID sounded great, well guided children in their way to adulthood. A happy team.

Have you reminded them of those good days? Could you say that you want them to be the happy decent people you know they can be and if that they can let go of blaming you for everything they are unhappy with then you'd be willing to work with that but if they want to stick to this narrative that you owe them positive support while they undo all your work constantly then you aren't willing to do it because it is destroying your relationship which you don't want, they are important to you, and it's destroying their self esteem to be living this way you want them to be proud of themselves and living with ugly habits doesn't do that.

Tell them you recognise they've had their challenges with the relationship with their dad, COVID at a difficult time, but if they want to salvage their life they need to see this is going nowhere fun and work with you.

Tell them you know, that they know you are there for them because they come to you when they need you, tell them you know that means they know they are loved, but that you feel they don't appreciate it comes from the heart, they see it as something you owe them because why else would they use that and then be rude and create hard work... Tell them that whilst your love is unconditional, your practical support is not and right now you are seeing them not doing themselves justice and you think they can do better, but that maybe they won't do this while they are with you because they've got so used to acting this way. You are sad about this. But you don't want to live this way for another five years... Nor do they, they aren't happy either.

Ask them to decide how this is going to change or you will change it for them.

Tell them you hope they remember and see the love and that continuing to bury that love under layers of working against each other with all the disputes that causes is not helping anyone.

I’m in my early twenties so can probably relate to them in a sense. Although I did move out at 18 so have no experience with your specific situation.

All I’m trying to say is that I think your attitude won’t be helping and may be making things worse. I would be pretty pissed off if I was paying £200 a month to my mum who used food as a way to punish me and turned the wifi off when she was angry.

This is how they make me feel like I am imagining things.

Have you ever seen icing sugar? It goes everywhere. It’s a powder. They had dropped it and cleaned up the main bulk of the drop but it was over every single surface, on every appliance, it turns sticky when it gets wet it was like a flour bomb or something. They didn’t even give me a heads up so I came home to a bit of a shock. A small child you are more patient with as they learn.

I’m not wealthy, I work hard for what I have bought. I don’t have time with a full time job to keep a show home and I am not trying to. Just somewhere that doesn’t stink or look gross. I’m not home all the time I work. Bedrooms are their own problem but they make the house smell and full of wet towels, plates and trash.

I asked my friend whether they thought I was being too anal about the cleaning and didn’t think so.

Tbh I’m not yelling back at them I am just getting on with it. I posted my anger on here rather than scream at them and lose even more of my dignity and sanity!

@Motherofone22 I am not going out doing a food shop for them anymore I’ve told them this, they do not help, they tell me they don’t really live here, they say they don’t care. You would honestly go do a lovely nice family shop for 2 adults who treat you like shit? I buy toilet roll, toothpaste, washing up liquid, laundry detergent and there is butter, ketchup and stuff but not much else. One of the reasons I stopped was food waste, it would all go off cos they didn’t eat it. Do you think I should still be cooking dinner for them as well?

@Pepsimaz There's been lots of suggestions on here.

Any you think you could go with?

I am not speaking to them disrespectfully can I clear this up. They get mad when I even slightly express myself to them calmly. I learnt a long time ago they don’t listen to shouting it never worked it just gave them the upper hand because I had lost my temper. I am upset because I feel taken advantage of, disrespected, undignified, gaslit. One of them isn’t as rude and nasty as the other one, just very lazy and there is a lot less conflict with them. The one who wants a chore chart back up I am going to try this as reminders for them. I don’t think the other one will comply with anything I ask. They are ok with me unless we are in the house or I bring up anything about cleaning or the house so it feels like I am walking on eggshells. Yesterday the confrontational one came home slamming about while I was hoovering. I didn’t know they were coming home they didn’t tell me. I am already cleaning up. This immediately sets them off as they think I am being passive aggressive when I am not overly friendly in my greeting. I had things in the washing machine and they were angry as they wanted to use it. They had a shower, made a mess and went out without talking to me. I had already cleaned the bathroom. I went in and there was blue Gillette shaving gel smeared over all the tiles, hair, toothpaste dripped on the floor. It is degrading to me, like a maid.

Yes the one I can communicate better with I am putting the chores board back up at their suggestion. They offered to do jobs today. When their sibling isn’t there they are much better to get along with.

The other one I am going to take out and sit down and talk about moving out. I’ve found some places on spare room I will show them.