I love my kids but they have not turned out as I hoped

[Pepsimaz]

I have young adult kids who live at home and I’ve brought them up alone as a single parent (with one day a week contact with their dad) his choice. I had a family who gave some help with childcare if I had to work, I worked part time and always tried to make sure I was there for them helping them doing home work and all the school pick ups. I had their friends round for sleepovers, gave them birthday parties, we had a nice life although on a budget with affordable UK break holidays. They always had clean clothes and food in the house and toys and stuff.

I supported them with their life choices to work retail jobs and not go to uni as I didn’t go to uni myself so no judgement on that. I didn’t have boyfriends move in. They used to help out in the house with chores and get pocket money and we were a team. I’ve done all the lifts here and there, helped them learn to drive. I wasn’t too strict or too lenient on them, they had rules in the house and would lose a device or be expected to apologise for bad behaviour.

the lockdown was the worst thing that happened to our relationship. They were hanging at home all day from college & 6th form with not much to do and I was juggling a very stressful job, the house, money and everything. I worried they were depressed so I tried to make sure they had help and support available to them but they started to act resentful and rude towards me and I probably resent them a bit too now.

I now feel trapped in my own home with rude and disrespectful brats who come and go as they please dropping shit everywhere and yelling at me if I ever ask them to help out. They do zero chores, they trash the house, blame each other for everything. From me going out to work for 9 hours I come back and feel depressed as the house stinks of old food, the bathroom is always disgusting, their rooms are a mess and they just come back home from work or friends, expect to use the washing machine and shower and mess up the kitchen then disappear for a few days. I clear it all up and then it’s nice for a day or 2 then back to being awful. When I try to talk to them they say well am never here, it was my sibling who did other or that they are too busy and have other things to do.

I am not important, I feel like a servant who is just trash to them. Whenever I try to tell them how I am feeling or why my time isn’t important too they just say I’m selfish and make everything about me. I don’t even have high standards. They won’t leave I’ve asked them to move out. I’ve added up that I cleaned up all this mess on Tuesday, Thursday and today and it took about 2-3 hours each time. This involves bleaching the bathroom which is covered in hair, toothpaste, splats of all their products up the walls and mirrors, hoovering the downstairs but first I have to pick everything up like trash spread around, sorting out the cats mess (their cat they never help), finding all the stuff to load into the dishwasher, scraping all the plates that didn’t clean the first time in the dishwasher because they don’t rinse them, taking out all the rubbish which I have to sort into recycling. They block up all the sinks somehow. I don’t even get round to cleaning other stuff like the windows or sorting out the garden because I’m doing all the work indoors.

I know the answer is to throw them out I suppose I believe this is my own fault I have raised these kids and the way they have turned out I only have myself to blame?

yes. We even shared a room with two beds in my uni years and the landlady had the living room. Shared kitchen and bathroom. We made it. Never lacked hot water, heating nor food. 3 of us together watching telly every evening and we the young laughing mad at her stories from the past. It taught us how to deal with people, how to behave when you rent in someone's home, how to clean your mess or better, never to create one, how to say, Yes, lady, this is how I am going to dry my clothes so the place does not get mouldy, yes, lady, I'll shower 5 min less so we can pay the bills this month.

This is exactly what one of my children says to me word for word pretty much. That I should be grateful I even have kids and sacrificing everything and more even my dignity, self respect and mental wellbeing is still not enough? Do I need to flog myself nightly for my failings too? I understand the point but we are past this stage into a war zone where I have no power to affect change on them to pray they will suddenly decide to respect me while I try to stay on top of the smells, stains and damage.

I help them with everything from this thread I think I help them too much. I would still be asked to help them make a dentist appt. They would ask me to get them paracetamol. I help them with all their life dramas giving advice. I even communicate between them as they often not speaking. I resent them now I am at the end of my tether.

There is no update for now they are both out so we have not spoken.

@sunshine244 well they flick and fling stuff and don’t clean up so scraping into the bin will just be everywhere all down the wall. When they do put things in the bin. It’s things like ketchup and red sauces

I think there's just comes a point when living with your parents just doesn't work anymore. My last last two years at home were hell for all of us. I think we were all ready to move on but nobody realised it. My relationship with my parents was a million times better once I moved. I finally realised my parents were actual people with their own lives and not just there to accommodate me. There's still time for them to learn that lesson. They need to be responsible and find their own way you've given them all the support and advice it's up to them to use it.

I haven’t read the whole thread so maybe this has been suggested already, but home about you go 1/3 each on a weekly cleaner? ( I’d say they go halves but they’d probably cry “ that’s not fair”)!

Well obviously you start charging them rent to live with you (even if that is from their benefit money) and do make sure you charge them a decent amount. At least £200/month from each of them.

AND they shape up a bit. Let them keep messy rooms if they pay you (messy bedrooms) but dont be doing their washing for them.

If they want to live in a bedroom of dirty clothing, let them.

They do need to keep the living room a bit tidy. Dont let their trash spill out.

For the money - put one cooked meal on the table per day and allow them to help themselves to food for brekky/lunch.

But, if they want takeaways, lots of extras - they pay for that on top.

OR - they ship out.

They will come back to being good adults. They are in a maturation stage!

would a cleaner clean up this kind of thing? I am talking unblocking drains and clearing up trash all over the house, very dirty plates been congealed for days. Overflowing bins, dirty clothes left everywhere 8 week old bed sheets on the bed. They are all the really gross jobs even I don’t want to do and they are my own kids

They won't wash up or tidy for you or change beds.

If the kids want to live in their own filth with their own clothes and beds though, let them. Doesn't affect you, just throw the clothes in their rooms if they aren't there already.

And if you do get a cleaner I would ask them to clean your bedroom but not theirs.

But I don't think a cleaner will solve your issue because it enables them and also your house will be in the same state again the next day from what you describe.

Not on, OP. I moved back home for two years in my early twenties and I always helped around the house. Hoovered, cleaned and helped where I could. I felt comfortable in my family home but I also knew that I was an adult and I didn’t expect my mum to look after me.

It really smells, their rooms smell and we have flies. I do end up taking out their rubbish in the end when it gets too much.

OP I have so much sympathy for you, they sound awful to live with.

At 20 I was living with and running a home for myself and my now ex husband. This wasn't a different era either, it was less than 15 years ago.

Best thing you can do is kick them out, or move yourself and find a place that isn't big enough for them to come with you. They'll thank you long term. I have colleagues in their twenties who I suspect live similarly to your two based on conversations I've had with them, and I think a lot less of them for it!

Oh god, just move out and let them sort themselves out. Presumably if you let the landlord know, they will offer the tenancy to your kids first? They can get a lodger for your room if they can't afford it.

Is this response a joke? Why wouldn’t OP resent being treated like rubbish day after day? It sounds to me like her adult offspring have either not picked up on that, or have been remarkably unbothered by the hurt they are causing. They are adults, it is not on OP to walk on eggshells hoping she can tempt them to behave decently. At some point they will have to face the real world, and no one else is going to pander to them. They should be able to see, as adults, that they have hurt their mum and caused these feelings, and that they need to take responsibility for repairing the relationship too.

I am sure if they request reasonable amounts of help in a civil manner, OP will fall over herself to provide it. But it can’t be all take and no give. They could be looking after their own kids at this age.

God, move out! You're an adult and you don't have to live like this.
I'd formally meet with them and give the options eg they move out, you move out and they take over the tenancy (assuming this is a private tenancy - if it's social housing in your name then they have to move out).
Treat them like adults not children.

Is it possible for you to hand over the lease to them? Go and start afresh somewhere by yourself? My dream is to get a lovely little apartment by myself and leave the grotty fuckers to it :) (not quite as bad and getting better, but still ITS TIME PEOPLE)!

you sound lovely, I’m sorry they’re such dicks

Must be their fathers genes :)

So it's her fault because she didn't encourage them to study? Lots of people haven't been to college or uni and don't behave like disrespectful brats.

I’ve text with the less confrontational but lazy child. They say that their sibling had a bad day and is angry at their dad after a disappointing visit. Sounds like they have messaged each other (complaining about their awful parents) so the angry child has taken it out on me?

I asked the non confrontational child what other option I had but them to move out. That child said tell me what to clean I will clean it 🤦‍♀️ but I should not have to give instructions if it’s their own mess. They said they didn’t want to move out yet and will try harder. They asked me to put a chore chart back up again as a reminder. That child works shifts so they tend to sleep all day get up 30 mins before work and get back late so their excuses are always they are tired. I have said we will sit down and talk properly as enough is enough

I text the other one goodnight to see what the vibe was and got told to get lost.

They get a bedroom in a houseshare or become a lodger like normal people.

For goodness sake, they won't appreciate what they have until it's gone. Neither of my children did - in fact it took until my daughter had kids of her own to understand. Uni helped somewhat.
One of my friends downsized to a place with no space for her adult children to force them to take responsibility for their own lives.

I did look and no houseshares on rightmove for under £700pm. Is there a better place to look?

Agree with Whether

"Is their dad experiencing the same angst as you? I bet not.
It is not your fault and you’ve been a great parent"

My kids have current issues, especially the younger one, who is school refusing. I know in my heart I'm not to blame. It's easy to blame ourselves. But we should not.

spareroom.co.uk is one, there are others I think, probably apps now too.

sometimes local post office noticeboards or through a church as well, depending on where you live.

Spareroom.com, which also runs a regular competition for a month's free rent.

Depending on what part of the country you live in, £700 per month for a room is pretty standard.

Things seem to have changed in young people's expectations. When I was that age it was very usual to move into a house share e.g. either moving in with 4 or 5 people that you already move, or taking a room in a house with a few housemates. No one could afford to rent or buy just for themselves or a couple. Could they rent somewhere either together or separately with a few friends or colleagues, or find a room in a shared house?

Go mental at them. Rant and rage as much as you want, let them know the full wrath of your feelings about the mess. They'll get the message, hopefully.
I have to do this every so often with my own DS, works wonders. We are back to sunshine and laughing when it's over.
In all honesty, and I'm sure you've done this, but what I find best is actually telling them when it happens. So, being there when they make the mess. Might not actually be possible all the time.
You have done everything right and been a brilliant Mum. You can turn this around. Chat to them separately, maybe, might work?