I love my kids but they have not turned out as I hoped

[Pepsimaz]

I have young adult kids who live at home and I’ve brought them up alone as a single parent (with one day a week contact with their dad) his choice. I had a family who gave some help with childcare if I had to work, I worked part time and always tried to make sure I was there for them helping them doing home work and all the school pick ups. I had their friends round for sleepovers, gave them birthday parties, we had a nice life although on a budget with affordable UK break holidays. They always had clean clothes and food in the house and toys and stuff.

I supported them with their life choices to work retail jobs and not go to uni as I didn’t go to uni myself so no judgement on that. I didn’t have boyfriends move in. They used to help out in the house with chores and get pocket money and we were a team. I’ve done all the lifts here and there, helped them learn to drive. I wasn’t too strict or too lenient on them, they had rules in the house and would lose a device or be expected to apologise for bad behaviour.

the lockdown was the worst thing that happened to our relationship. They were hanging at home all day from college & 6th form with not much to do and I was juggling a very stressful job, the house, money and everything. I worried they were depressed so I tried to make sure they had help and support available to them but they started to act resentful and rude towards me and I probably resent them a bit too now.

I now feel trapped in my own home with rude and disrespectful brats who come and go as they please dropping shit everywhere and yelling at me if I ever ask them to help out. They do zero chores, they trash the house, blame each other for everything. From me going out to work for 9 hours I come back and feel depressed as the house stinks of old food, the bathroom is always disgusting, their rooms are a mess and they just come back home from work or friends, expect to use the washing machine and shower and mess up the kitchen then disappear for a few days. I clear it all up and then it’s nice for a day or 2 then back to being awful. When I try to talk to them they say well am never here, it was my sibling who did other or that they are too busy and have other things to do.

I am not important, I feel like a servant who is just trash to them. Whenever I try to tell them how I am feeling or why my time isn’t important too they just say I’m selfish and make everything about me. I don’t even have high standards. They won’t leave I’ve asked them to move out. I’ve added up that I cleaned up all this mess on Tuesday, Thursday and today and it took about 2-3 hours each time. This involves bleaching the bathroom which is covered in hair, toothpaste, splats of all their products up the walls and mirrors, hoovering the downstairs but first I have to pick everything up like trash spread around, sorting out the cats mess (their cat they never help), finding all the stuff to load into the dishwasher, scraping all the plates that didn’t clean the first time in the dishwasher because they don’t rinse them, taking out all the rubbish which I have to sort into recycling. They block up all the sinks somehow. I don’t even get round to cleaning other stuff like the windows or sorting out the garden because I’m doing all the work indoors.

I know the answer is to throw them out I suppose I believe this is my own fault I have raised these kids and the way they have turned out I only have myself to blame?

OP did not say she didn’t encourage them to go to uni, she says they made the choice not to, so even if she didn’t agree with this, she encouraged them anyway

I generally find in life if you have low expectations of some people they will only ever achieve below that. Expect and demand more from them. State that it's a shared home between adults and as such all the adults need to contribute. Ask for rent, create a chore rota etc The alternative is that they are welcome to leave and support themselves.

The advantage of kids going to uni is that most will learn to appreciate everything that their parents have done for them. As your kids haven't done that or gone out on their own they haven't had an opportunity to learnt that life lesson yet. Maybe they need a little push to get there.

You are already trying to make life bleak for them so carry on. You mentioned in an earlier post that they come to you for every little problem - maybe don't be so available or approachable. Maybe even be offhand with them - saying they're meant to be independent and adult so what would they want to happen in an ideal world? Start pushing back - they can't berate you one minute and then automatically expect your love and support when they won't do the same for you in letting you have a home to be proud of living in.

OP that is so bad, I can’t believe your grown child threw a tantrum like this, because you asked for help, that is disgusting behaviour. They need to grow up and be more respectful to you as their parent. I lived at home in my early 20s and would NEVER have screamed at my parents and insulted them by saying horrible things!!! They sound like a pair of slobs. They are going to get a big shock when they do eventually have to move out!! I can see you have tried everything though, you have my sympathy but they need a big reality check with some tough love

My boy is 17, left school last year & has had full time employment ever since. He is messy, but not disrespectful. Our home is not what we all wanted (too small & needed renovation), so I was not too precious. But now I’ve sunk my life savings into extending & fixing - there is a new rule or two. Anything left messy of his goes in the bin - I don’t care how much it cost, not my problem! He knows I mean it, & is so much tidier. I know your scenario is soooo much more than this, (and we have has biggies too), but the take away is ‘do they know you mean it?’ If you do, you need to follow through. Following through in the past has really helped both me & my son going forward. (I did have big issues with him a few years ago). Give a window (eg 2 weeks or whatever works for you), for massive improvements - BE VERY SPECIFIC about what you NEED. If not met, 2 week notice to move. If your needs are met, then a 3 month probationary period where the 2 weeks notice can still kick in - just like a new job- just like real life. You sound amazing, and they should be appreciative of the massive efforts you have made to put them first all these years. BIG HUGGS XXX

Is there an mileage in exploring the idea of resetting the house. Making the kids swap rooms , switching the sofa to a different place. Just trying to reset the energy in the short term?.

I don't think it's your parenting at fault either Op.

If anything it's your good example working hard and keeping a tidy house that's made them think they can't be arsed. Possibly if you'd brought them up in a mess they'd more likely want something different for themselves.

They see it as their home and therefore can live in it as they wish. Only one solution to that. To be honest if they found a better offer they'd be off like a shot so don't feel bad .

It's not a happy home anymore. You need to move out, let then stay if they want. End the tenancy and find yourself your own happy place xx

Just a thought, but what about suggesting that the three of you share the cost of a cleaner every two weeks to give the house a deep clean? Then it'll be easier to maintain in between.

Essentially, treat them like adult roommates. If they won't take on their share of chores, they'll have to pay for a cleaner.

I think this behaviour is probably too entrenched to change easily and you have the right not to be disrespected and shouted at. They have chosen to do the jobs they do and they must live with this choice. They are in their twenties so for me you are three single adults sharing a house, for them it seems to be a case of reverting to teenage behaviour because they are ‘at home’.
I would not move out and leave them to keep the tenancy unless your name is completely removed and a new agreement signed or you could find yourself responsible for their rent. It might be better to look for a one bedroom flat for you, give notice to your landlord and inform your children that they and their possessions must be out by a set date. You could try telling them that you will do this if they don’t change their behaviour but I suspect it would lead to a temporary improvement then go back to as it is now.
Yes your children go on being your children for ever but most develop a mutually respectful and adult relationship with parents.
This must be incredibly sad for you but you have a reasonable expectation of being able to relax in your home.

They still can.

Ah, I missed that your home is rented. In that case, unless you're very fond of it, I agree with @eatreadsleeprepeat that perhaps downsizing to a smaller home is a long-term solution. You don't need to rush into moving, take time to find somewhere, but make it clear that this is your goal, so they'll have to sort themselves out.

They might suddenly do a u-turn and decide that they'd rather keep take better care of your current home.

@Pepsimaz

OP, there is a series on BBC One now, episode 2 of "Apples Never Fall" a drama about a mother of adult children who just disappears. She was trying to spend time with each one of her offspring, but their lives were too busy to bother with her.

Move to a 1 bed, OP. Start looking now and give your sons plenty of notice. You deserve your own place.

I am going to tell them to go find a room to rent and be very firm on it. I am not sure whether they will take any notice so I need a plan B

Plan B is their stuff in boxes in the back garden, a change of all locks and a note telling them that you love them very much, but they are lazy and unpleasant to live with and you refuse to be their unpaid servant any longer. If you have mum guilt, then pick them up a small tent to share from Argos and leave their duvets in a bin bag. They’ll be perfectly safe in the garden, warm and dry. If they don’t like it, they can do what thousands and thousands of other people do and rent a room.

Is there more to the situation than would be usual for kids that age? My neighbours three kids still live at home ages 18-26. All have jobs, do chores, pay rent, keep things relatively tidy. Yes things can be a bit up and down with routines and knowing where they are etc but it does seem to work relatively well. One at college, one doing an apprenticeship, one working.

I'm unsure how food can go up walls etc and so much mess unless there is more to this. My ADHD child isn't a teen yet but I can absolutely imagine carnage when they eventually get to the stage of cooking etc. They just don't see mess. Stuff goes everywhere. My ex (also probably ADHD) was a literal disaster when cooking. Would make nice food but use every pot, utensil and ingredient in the place, and honestly I had no idea how he could make so much mess!

Nonsense. A room in a house share is well within the means of most working adults.

If I was this desperate I think I’d move house far enough away to not be near their friends - that will shake them up and they won’t want to go.

When I was in my twenties my friends and I did not expect to live at home, although we were lucky that we could (behaving with respect of course) if we were unwell or needed/wanted to for some reason. Certainly none of us expected to be able to buy or rent a flat just for ourselves either. We all lived in house shares (many well into their thirties) where you pay for a room and share kitchen/bath etc with others. If you had other friends looking at the time great, if not you have to move in with strangers, hopefully finding some reasonable people who also agreed you would be an acceptable fit for the house. If they can share a room they will save more. When it came to renting a flat for yourself you just have to hope that you end up in a couple where together you can afford it, and/or look at changing jobs and moving to cheaper areas. I mean that is life.

They can reflect on their options, maybe if they decide to re enter full time study (employment focused) or training you could consider allowing them to live at home if they can prove they can do so in a very different way.

This isn’t your fault, don’t feel guilty. I think it is just all too easy for people to end up living like this just because they can and get stuck in a rut.

Where do you think adults without supportive/generous parents live?
They can rent a room and they can claim universal credit if they are low waged.

Do you know, I was just like your kids at one point. Unhappy with my own life and inability to make decisions and just being a selfish, unhelpful twat towards my mum.

I definitely think she should have thrown me out! I would have grown up quicker and now feel a bit guilty for the extra work I caused her. My sibling is still a selfish twat lbing at home and manipulating my parents.

So yes, throw them out and explain why.

You know what, they would expect me to fucking find the room for them to rent then move all their shit in too probably

It’s clear from this attitude that you resent them, I’m sure they have picked up on this. I think you should try and fix your relationship with them as it sounds strained, and perhaps then they will respect you more and make an effort to clean the house. If you want to kick them out then go ahead, but don’t be coming here complaining that they never talk to you in a few months. Especially if you go about it in a ‘they’ll expect me to move all their shit in too’ way. Sorry but you are their mother? Of course you should help them. Why have kids in the first place if you wouldn’t expect to help them. They’ve never lived alone before and you are annoyed about helping them move their stuff in? Wow.

Also, they could stay at home IF they're willing to clean up after themselves. The OP isn't being unreasonable, she just wants to live in a clean and reasonably tidy house.

They can get a room in a shared house. That’s doable for anyone working full time

to wherever. As we all did it, many of us left at the age of 19, worked and rented in other countries, where the salaries are much lower than here and not so many social benefits, lol, if any. We made our way, sure enough, even to the UK where we keep living normal lives, work etc

Don't spoil your own nation lady. Read the thread about the tutor whose tutees cannot come to school due to a hamster gone dead.