I love my kids but they have not turned out as I hoped

[Pepsimaz]

I have young adult kids who live at home and I’ve brought them up alone as a single parent (with one day a week contact with their dad) his choice. I had a family who gave some help with childcare if I had to work, I worked part time and always tried to make sure I was there for them helping them doing home work and all the school pick ups. I had their friends round for sleepovers, gave them birthday parties, we had a nice life although on a budget with affordable UK break holidays. They always had clean clothes and food in the house and toys and stuff.

I supported them with their life choices to work retail jobs and not go to uni as I didn’t go to uni myself so no judgement on that. I didn’t have boyfriends move in. They used to help out in the house with chores and get pocket money and we were a team. I’ve done all the lifts here and there, helped them learn to drive. I wasn’t too strict or too lenient on them, they had rules in the house and would lose a device or be expected to apologise for bad behaviour.

the lockdown was the worst thing that happened to our relationship. They were hanging at home all day from college & 6th form with not much to do and I was juggling a very stressful job, the house, money and everything. I worried they were depressed so I tried to make sure they had help and support available to them but they started to act resentful and rude towards me and I probably resent them a bit too now.

I now feel trapped in my own home with rude and disrespectful brats who come and go as they please dropping shit everywhere and yelling at me if I ever ask them to help out. They do zero chores, they trash the house, blame each other for everything. From me going out to work for 9 hours I come back and feel depressed as the house stinks of old food, the bathroom is always disgusting, their rooms are a mess and they just come back home from work or friends, expect to use the washing machine and shower and mess up the kitchen then disappear for a few days. I clear it all up and then it’s nice for a day or 2 then back to being awful. When I try to talk to them they say well am never here, it was my sibling who did other or that they are too busy and have other things to do.

I am not important, I feel like a servant who is just trash to them. Whenever I try to tell them how I am feeling or why my time isn’t important too they just say I’m selfish and make everything about me. I don’t even have high standards. They won’t leave I’ve asked them to move out. I’ve added up that I cleaned up all this mess on Tuesday, Thursday and today and it took about 2-3 hours each time. This involves bleaching the bathroom which is covered in hair, toothpaste, splats of all their products up the walls and mirrors, hoovering the downstairs but first I have to pick everything up like trash spread around, sorting out the cats mess (their cat they never help), finding all the stuff to load into the dishwasher, scraping all the plates that didn’t clean the first time in the dishwasher because they don’t rinse them, taking out all the rubbish which I have to sort into recycling. They block up all the sinks somehow. I don’t even get round to cleaning other stuff like the windows or sorting out the garden because I’m doing all the work indoors.

I know the answer is to throw them out I suppose I believe this is my own fault I have raised these kids and the way they have turned out I only have myself to blame?

I'm sure someone has already said this but I've only read the first page of responses.....

Tell them they've got the month of October to get their backsides into gear, and if they're not behaving to your standards, on 1 November you'll be changing the locks and they'll have to find somewhere else to live.

Simply put, they'll either realise that you're in charge and buck their ideas up, or they'll be moving out on 31 October and won't be your problem any longer.

I don't have much to say, just want to give you a big hug and to say things will get better, you wont always be in this situation, situations change. so hang in there best you can. and all the awful judgmental people on here need to learn how to be kinder , especially the one saying ''oh isn't it a shame you didn't encourage them to go to uni" shut up!!

Not helpful, very judgey!

Being tough when it is needed on kids is a kind of love as well. I know of a mother who does the gentle parenting, always giving. But she's got kids still living at home in their 30s, with their partners and grandkids. She does almost all the housework, cooking, lion's share of childcare. Her 30+ year old adult kids ask her for her credit card to buy groceries and choose to not work full time because they don't need to financially living at home with mum subsidising. As parents, I feel we need to teach boundaries, responsibilities and respect. Collecting piles of stuff and dumping it in their room when they are already in their 20s like a 5 year old child? They will never learn how to sustain healthy relationship and only harms them in the end.

Please don’t blame yourself. You did everything you can as a single parent. Sometimes kids go through phases in life. It’s not always the parent’s fault, you know. You gave all your TLC and understanding and they still blow up in your face. Our son went through a phase where he became hardheaded. We found out his two ex girlfriends were a bad influence. One was free spirited but called us toxic when we read her texts about us because we kept telling our son to study hard. We let him have fun. We were lenient with him. He did what he wanted as long as he made sure to pass his classes. He was the one who broke up with her because he saw her attitude. His grades improved after that. Next girlfriend was a year older than him. Nice girl at first. We told him to look out for him and remind him to study hard. He got so drunk one time and he was not even 21. It was the ex-gf’s fault. I texted her demanding an explanation but ghosted me. He got drunk again one Thanksgiving night. All his frustrations came out. He was like a volcano that erupted. My husband and I suggested for him to move out if he didn’t like our rules. Our rules was simple. He just needed to respect it since he didn’t have a job yet. He in school and we are paying for school and all his things. That night my sister-in-law and her daughter with her son-in-law carried him home. He spent two months at her home looking for a job. His aunt gave him an ultimatum. He needs to move out on a certain date. He knew how hard it was here in San Diego. Everything was expensive. We made him realize how hard it was to live with someone else and doing everything by yourself. He contacted his dad one day and asked if they could talk. They did and he came home and cried. He hugged us so tight. After that he promised that he will be studying hard and will try to find work. He did find a part time work as a food server and made some good money over vacation. He is on his last two semester of college and will be graduating next year. He is a changed man. He is now 21 and very respectful. We are so thankful that we did the right thing. He is so glad to be with us. We kept reminding him how he has such a good and easy life with us compared to when he was at his aunt’s place. You need to stand your ground. Tough love is what they need. I know it hurts to make them leave, but it’s for the best. (I’m not sure how old they are) If they are minors, give them an ultimatum if they can’t afford to leave to live with someone like a relative. They need to find a job (if older) and find something to support themselves and they need to pick up after themselves or out the door they go. Your mental health is at stake here. They need to learn how to grow up.

@Pepsimaz first of all please accept this virtual hug and the biggest bunch of virtual flowers.

Having read all of your posts I'm afraid the only option is for you to move to your own place without your (adult) children for your own mental health, which is clearly suffering, and I'm afraid is caused by the actions of your children.

Your children (or at least one of them) do not realise just what an amazing mother you are to them. They will over time, but it's tough love from now on.

Now they are adults, you cannot be responsible for their behaviour....THEY make those choices....THEY are adults....and THEY take the consequences for THEIR actions.

I've seen this 'brain hasn't developed' line that some say.....this must be a recent phenomenon that only affects the youth of today that never affected any generations before them. How did we all cope going to war/moving out/providing for yourself in previous generations?

You have given enough ultimatums over time, which have had no effect. So, move out, and start to look out for yourself...put yourself first. Tell them they are always welcome to see you, but it's on your terms.

Their Dad also needs to talk to them (but it sounds like their relationship isn't brilliant) and explain that you only ever get one Mother, and that you should cherish her.

This is going to be tougher for you than for them, but try to stay strong. Your children will go through a kind of 'bereavement' process.....there will be a denial of the situation (you moving out on your own). Then comes the guilt, as they will guilt trip you. Then the anger, as they realise they are having to grow up and act like adults, to look after themselves. Finally there will be acceptance.

It will be difficult, but don't succumb to the guilt trip, and don't take the anger personally (this is the worst time). Despite what they say, they don't mean it. They will realise over time just how brilliant you are.

I wish you all the luck and strength in the world.......and remember YOU'RE AN AMAZING MOM!!!!

They are adults, not little kids. If you shared a home, your home, with any other adult who behaved like this you would tell them to move out. You would not put up with this level of disrespect, the filth, the poor behaviour. Why should this woman put up with it? The adult children need to learn to be respectful to do their share of the chores, maybe cook a decent meal once or twice a week, not act as though she's a slave.
I used to work as a homeless officer for a local authority. It's quite common for parents to decide enough is enough when kids behave like this. The thing is no landlord would tolerate it, a filthy home would mean notice being served. So the child has to learn to be a good tenant. And these kids need to learn that.

I had that with my son too. That bloody lockdown has a lot to answer for and l was a single parent too. He has moved out now and am trying to clean his room....

They need to move out, can you speak to your ex and get him on your side maybe. Say your moving out to a smaller place, even if its just a threat. If your house is mortgaged or bought, get an estate agent round and scare them. They will respect you more when they realise how it's harder to live alone not at home.

No this is your home OP. Stay put,

They need to go their own ways - foster their own independence away from you and each other.

Rent a room in a house share like a normal 20 something.

University is not the ‘be all’ especially now they build up a lot of debt. Plenty have done extremely well on the route your DC took.

@Closetheblinds it's not indirect judgement, it's very direct.

the Uni comments have been twisted. I did encourage them. They didn’t want to go. So I did not push it. It’s their decision. I don’t judge them for not going as I didn’t go myself. Not judging is not the same as not encouraging. I do not mind constructive criticism but I do mind people making up something that’s not correct and I tried to clear this up early on.

They were encouraged to go to uni.

You do realise they’re adults not 13 year olds?

I got to this stage and set the rule that their rooms could be messy but communal areas should be respected. It's very wearing when your house doesn't feel like a home because of inconsiderate children. However, I feel asking them for some rent would be good and invest in a cleaner. You're not doing it, you won't feel guilty about pressurising them to move out and you'll have a reason for them to tidy because the cleaner is coming.

It's not a fix but some help. If it's any consolation, my kids all turned out messy but they have cleaners for their own homes now. They also respect mine because they can now see how much effort it took me. It's a stage that you're living through but you don't have to run yourself ragged. Look after yourself.

For those clutching their pearls -They are in their 20's … hardly defenceless children!

Move and don't give them the address - let them see how hard it is on their own seeing as living with you is so awful .. although I suspect the contentious one is pushing that narrative. By the sounds of it, they are the one that needs to go.
If they had their own place the landlord would be just as strict if not stricter.

This is your home and you don't need to put up with this just because you birthed them. Stick up for yourself. Pack them a bag and change the locks!

Currently going through it with a stepchild . Feel your pain. Home is not my own any more. Stress at work , stress at home. Don’t listen to negative comments.

She's not being unreasonable. Unreasonable is not buying washing powder and toothpaste. I would not be providing food for a pair of ingrates who leave the bathroom disgusting, don't wash-up, use the house as doss-house and are generally unpleasant.
I'd tell them first. Then do it. Keep own food in own fridge in own bedroom with lock on the door. Ditto personal hygeine products (not loo roll).
Teaching young adults that there is no such thing as a free lunch is not childish.

We downsized when our youngest child (of 4) was almost 21, helped them all to find and finance homes and, almost 20 years on can clearly see that it was absolutely the right thing to do.
The one with the highest academic qualifications is the one with least money, the happiest one is the one who didn’t go to university. She earns almost as much as the other uni-educated brother too. Many children do need to be forced out of the family home for their own good and for the sanity of their parent(s).

I realise the following may not be much practical help.
However, I do sympathise so much with you. When my kids were in their teens/20s, I had a lot of this rudeness and being taken for granted. I didn't find I could do anything at all to make them more cooperative.
Now they are in their 30s, they have morphed into responsible and lovely adults.
So please don't despair.
It's so easy for outsiders to say 'this must stop'; 'this is unacceptable.' In my view, the root problem is not having another family member to say such things and shame the kids/ impose standards. Do you have any family members who could help? I assume not ...
Actually their behaviour is a weird sign of their love for you, so try not to burn all the bridges.
Sending you lots of sympathy. It's not your fault!

Take control. Keep calm but be VERY firm- YOU are the adult here. They need to be shocked out of the status quo. Tell them you can't go on, there have to now be significant changes; from now on they're going to act like responsible young adults.
Decide whether you want to live separately or continue to co-habit. If the former, find them an affordable house share, (but don't be their guarantor- let their father do that) set a date and help them clear out ALL their stuff.
If the latter, call a family meeting, hand out a contract which they must sign, in order to be allowed to stay. Contract should include: keeping the house & garden clean and tidy, respect for others' privacy and wellbeing, equal share in household & garden chores (they could choose from a list), recognition that everyone has the right to non-confrontational living in the home and that causing upset to others will be mean forfeiting their right to live there.
Try a trial probationary period of 1 month to start, then hold another meeting to discuss how it's going.
Have a 'Suggestions' box (metal & locked with slot for notes) to which only you have the key. A 'public notice board' can work or individual daily diaries.

Be strong; they need you to be for their own good. Good luck!

If you don’t want to sell up and move elsewhere, why not rent your home for a year (don’t tell them it’s only for a year) and then rent somewhere else smaller which forces them to move out. As you said they can rent a room. I agree it comes down to drastic measures however I wouldn’t tell them you’re moving because they are disrespectful. Let then learn themselves by going without. I think this would humble them and it does seem that they are taking you for granted because you’ve been such a good mum. Rent a 1 bed flat for a year with the money you rent your house out for. If your renting then you may need to downsize to a one bed and then once they have learnt there lesson you can find something bigger again but you may just find that you like the extra cash in your pocket and not need anything bigger. Think of it as just the next chapter in your life and you are actually doing it for the best of your kids. Everyone is right it’s tough love but if they had gone to uni they would have been renting a room anyway so don’t feel guilty. We are in a generation where 18-25 yr olds believe life is easy and they just want thing handed to them. Social media is partly to blame as they view a fake society where everyone is spending money out of there means it seems and they only post the good times. The world has become very narcissistic and fake so think of it as your actually doing something really good for your kids. Remain kind and calm but just say it’s time for me to downsize as I’m getting older and the bills are getting to much for me. Don’t say I’m throwing you out as you don’t want them being resentful but that cost of living has effected you and you need to downsize.

Dont get upset, just understand that they need to make the next steps in there lives now and your doing them the biggest favour.

Remember you’re a great mum that really cares and you’re not wrong for feeling the way you do. If it’s any consolation I’m 42 and shocked by how the younger generation are turning out. You’re not alone.

Good luck.

I think that you have done your very best and you are depleted and being disrespected and emotionally abused in your own home.

It sounds like the older one is setting this tone. Are they similar to their DF?

Get them shifted out asap.

It looks like your younger one has a relationship to salvage and seems to be on the same page as you?

Would it work if you moved to a 2 bed with that DC for a fresh start?

Or do you want to stay in your current home?

Whats the state of the rental market in your area?

Also stop with the words - they arent listening - take actions only to improve YOUR life and move things forward. They need to move on with their lives at some point - so why not now - what are you waiting for?

If you really wanted to push accountability further - I would set up your home like a house share so:

Strip everything from the house - eg tinned food, tea, coffee, milk, laundry powder, toothpaste, loo roll, crockery, cutlery, pots and pans - only thing I would leave out would be washing up liquid and bin bags. Keep all your stuff in a locked cupboard or in your locked bedroom.

Make it realistic and uncomfortable for them.

Then up their rent sufficiently so that you can have some nice treats, holidays and most importantly to employ a cleaner each week to blitz the common areas (not their rooms) - know that you are doing this soley for yourself as an investment in your MH and not for their benefit.

Still wrong. And absolutely none of my business what you think

Hi, i havent read all your posts but i got to this one and felt it was the only one i could offer advice on.
your situation sounds tough. I sympathise. You sound great and i hope i am as supportive of my child as you seem to be. Mine is only two so i’ve no advice to offer when parenting young adult/adult children.

on the cleaner thing though…
you can ask them to do this! I have an amazing cleaner who goes above and beyond and if i was in this situation, she would absolutely help out. I think the key is that you need to find someone independent and give them a job description and agree a reasonable number of hours that they can accomplish what you want them to do. If it’s just the kids mess that gets you down but you dont mind washing the floors and cleaning the windows, tell them not to bother with those things. If you want them to do that aswell - add an extra hour or two to your weekly agreement. Think of it like hiring a house keeper. I remember when my cleaner asked me if i wanted her to clean the oven. I didnt realise that you could pay someone to do that.
My lady would be happy to go to my friends place for two hours a week just to do their bathroom and she’d make it feel like a hotel. If your Neighbours have someone come in, ask them if their cleaner would be happy to pop over to you after their shift. Its like a couple of extra hours work for no travelling so the cleaner will likely be happy.

Also add an extra 100 quid a month to your kids rent as a cleaning fee.