I love my kids but they have not turned out as I hoped

[Pepsimaz]

I have young adult kids who live at home and I’ve brought them up alone as a single parent (with one day a week contact with their dad) his choice. I had a family who gave some help with childcare if I had to work, I worked part time and always tried to make sure I was there for them helping them doing home work and all the school pick ups. I had their friends round for sleepovers, gave them birthday parties, we had a nice life although on a budget with affordable UK break holidays. They always had clean clothes and food in the house and toys and stuff.

I supported them with their life choices to work retail jobs and not go to uni as I didn’t go to uni myself so no judgement on that. I didn’t have boyfriends move in. They used to help out in the house with chores and get pocket money and we were a team. I’ve done all the lifts here and there, helped them learn to drive. I wasn’t too strict or too lenient on them, they had rules in the house and would lose a device or be expected to apologise for bad behaviour.

the lockdown was the worst thing that happened to our relationship. They were hanging at home all day from college & 6th form with not much to do and I was juggling a very stressful job, the house, money and everything. I worried they were depressed so I tried to make sure they had help and support available to them but they started to act resentful and rude towards me and I probably resent them a bit too now.

I now feel trapped in my own home with rude and disrespectful brats who come and go as they please dropping shit everywhere and yelling at me if I ever ask them to help out. They do zero chores, they trash the house, blame each other for everything. From me going out to work for 9 hours I come back and feel depressed as the house stinks of old food, the bathroom is always disgusting, their rooms are a mess and they just come back home from work or friends, expect to use the washing machine and shower and mess up the kitchen then disappear for a few days. I clear it all up and then it’s nice for a day or 2 then back to being awful. When I try to talk to them they say well am never here, it was my sibling who did other or that they are too busy and have other things to do.

I am not important, I feel like a servant who is just trash to them. Whenever I try to tell them how I am feeling or why my time isn’t important too they just say I’m selfish and make everything about me. I don’t even have high standards. They won’t leave I’ve asked them to move out. I’ve added up that I cleaned up all this mess on Tuesday, Thursday and today and it took about 2-3 hours each time. This involves bleaching the bathroom which is covered in hair, toothpaste, splats of all their products up the walls and mirrors, hoovering the downstairs but first I have to pick everything up like trash spread around, sorting out the cats mess (their cat they never help), finding all the stuff to load into the dishwasher, scraping all the plates that didn’t clean the first time in the dishwasher because they don’t rinse them, taking out all the rubbish which I have to sort into recycling. They block up all the sinks somehow. I don’t even get round to cleaning other stuff like the windows or sorting out the garden because I’m doing all the work indoors.

I know the answer is to throw them out I suppose I believe this is my own fault I have raised these kids and the way they have turned out I only have myself to blame?

OP I cannot believe some of the replies you’ve had here - just because you’re their mother it doesn’t mean you exist entirely to serve them until your dying day! You are a human being and you deserve to live in an environment of your choosing. Your kids are adults and they need to grow the fuck up.

Either they need to leave or you do. If you have a secure tenancy don’t go giving that up. Tell them now that it’s time they all flew the nest and learned to be independent.

You sound like a great mother. You did it all on your own and taught them to drive on top of all the day to day stuff. It’s sad that it’s worked out how it has but you couldn’t have done any more x

The amount of people on here saying to kick your own out is disgusting.
Taking away the very thing they use of yours and make them get their own fair enough. Dump everything they mess up into a plastic storage box and leave it in their rooms. Plates, clothes, whatever. Let them ruin their own things and they will learn quickly. But kick them out? Shameful.

One thing that didn't come out in your post OP is what do you want?
Do you want a place on your own or so you want the kids to stay and shape up?
Think about what you want and work towards that. No point in arguing with them if you'd prefer to move somewhere else.

This

You sit the gilette blue gel smearer down and tell him that unless his attitude seriously changes he's out.

He has one month starting from now, otherwise the locks are being changed and he doesn't get a key. Show him the spare room place and say you are 100% serious. If he wants to live like a pig, he can use his own money and time to go and live like one, not yours.

Also explain it's not a comparison between him and the other sibling if the other sib is helping out now. They BOTH have to stick to the chores, clean up after themselves etc, help with housework etc. wash up straight away after eating.

You must also do this - I'm assuming you always wash up straight away and have set a good example but if you haven't now it is the time to do it.

Everything gets washed straight away after use: bowls, cups, plates, culterly, showers, baths, toilets, all of it. You did a poo, you bloody well use the bleach and a loo brush. It's time to start living like a grown up or they're out.

Also, you should agree if you can to share the cooking.

You agree what nights you'll be in, what nights you'll be eating separately and you work together towards the whole house as a TEAM.

Not just one person doing everything.

Eating together though, is important in my view. Cooking for each other, taking responsiblity is important. It's agreed that whoever cooks doesn't wash up, the other two do.

Even if you only manage three times a week - once each, it's important to set the standard now. Once and for all. DS then knows there's one night a week he's accountable for. Maybe from there he can grow...

They did go to college, the post says so. 2/3rds of people don’t go to uni, so they are in the majority.

So many posts sorry hard to get through. Non confrontational child spent the evening with me. We watched a film and it was fun. House was pretty much how I had left it when I cleaned so not making a mess on purpose. I had gone out all day. Non angry DC agreed we would put the chore board back up so we have done it together. This kind of communication is fine with me I can work with bumpy. This DC doesn’t seem to hate me they are more in the selfish blind to mess phase. I know they will forget things and I will try not to get too frustrated but keep up good communication. This DC said they also hated the way the other DC is leaving mess especially bathroom and gives them the ick. Angry DC came home for about an hour didn’t engage with us, did washing, went out. I need to get time aside to sit them down but at least a whole day of no arguing.

non angry DC has had enough of no food so perhaps this has worked after all. We agree to shop together tomorrow.

Originally it was “I’m starving then out in hope they will leave,” and after being pulled up it’s now actually about food wasteage and “other reasons.” Okay sure.

Why post on AIBU if you are unwilling to even slightly accept that you may be unreasonable. Did you just come here because you know mumsnet is full of middle aged and older women who will most likely validate you?
I don’t think you are looking inwards at all, just pointing the finger. It’s also quite ironic how you complain that your kids don’t act like adults but at the same time look at the example you are setting. Turning the wifi off and ‘starving them out,’ as an attempt to get them to do what you want, not knowing it will have the opposite effect. 😂😂 Doesn’t exactly scream adult.

Dumping their mess in their rooms is the kind of thing you do with teenagers.
Nothing shameful about moving 20-something adults out.

Not shameful in the least. These are adults in their 20s. They aren't entitled to behave however their choose simply because the other adult in the house is their mother. She does most of the cleaning, pays the rent (they pay a nominal amount), pays for the utilities, etc. If I were in the OP's shoes, after all she has done and the number of times she has asked her adult offspring to change their ways, I would absolutely give them a deadline to leave. They need to stand on their own two feet.

@Motherofone22 its possible it’s multi factor decision - firstly as I outlined right from go, they go out a lot. So food was being wasted. This was frustrating so I started cutting down on what I bought. Secondly they started being more and more disrespectful. So I am less inclined to go out and buy a load of food I know they like that I don’t even eat. There is some kind of food if you wanted to make it, I explained there are tins of food and there is bits and bobs in the freezer, but there is no longer a lovely abundance of their most liked food bought by mum in the weekly shop to rely on. They pay a very small rent. They can buy their own food and they do. I buy stuff for myself to eat, they buy what they need. The basics are here just not you know, crisps, chips, biscuits, bacon, all the food they tend to eat most. The shop is 2 mins away: they can go get their own food. They are in their 20’s.

I don’t turn the WiFi off I explained no point - they have their own phone data. I have tried this in the past it is pointless now.

The younger one is missing not having as much food in and realised how annoying it is having to go to the shops all the time so tbh this strategy has worked to make them appreciate what I do, and how they can compromise with me to make things work.

I wrote this post asking what it is I am doing wrong so I appreciate your feedback on whether I am unreasonable - I am open to a compromise with them. Does that help you comprehend the ‘other reasons’ now

there is pasta, cereal, beans, tuna, sauces - cupboard stuff, if they cba to make it that is not really my issue.

It sounds as though you identify with the OP's kids. Do you really think their behaviour is acceptable? The constant mess, the refusal to clean, the rudeness, the disrespect? What gives them the right to act this way?

The OP has listed all the ways she has tried to change the dynamic in the house and these two ungrateful adults respond by screaming at her, insulting her, ignoring her requests.

Someday, if you are lucky, you will also be a middle-aged or older woman. I'm not sure why you think there is anything wrong with people of that demographic weighing in on an issue that they may have direct experience of.

It’s fine to disagree with anything I do or my choices, no I do not get everything right I am a human and a worn down one. I have some support but yes there is really only one demographic of woman who understands how this feels, it is women of my age with these aged children and usually single mothers. It’s a different world in terms of support, their dad is not supportive he doesn’t care. No he won’t take them in. My mum is rubbish and no useful help now they are older. I’ve never done this before it’s my first time as a mum of adult DC and it’s a struggle. When they are younger you have all these visions of how it will be so lovely when they are adults and like you are friends with them, socialising and nice interactions but when it’s not like that, it’s demoralising. I’m acutely aware they are MY children and I raised them so this must be my fault and I analyse my interactions with them quite painfully to work out where I went wrong. I’ve tried different tactics and invested a lot of energy into making improvements and they called me a ‘pick me’ which I gather is not a good thing to be called. So I have tried to be in my non pick me era and failed at that too. I feel more confident youngest and I will be ok we just need to keep communicating. I don’t know about the eldest right now.

What a ridiculous statement. My sister and I never went on to F.E.
I bobbed about for 2 years then did my nurse training and ended up as a ward manager in a 42 year career.
My sister was an office junior, married at 18 and had a child.
When he started school, she went back to office work did a few courses and became an IT specialist administrator.
We both earned half as much as our brothers who were labourers, gas fitters, builders and de-scaling in the steelworks.
They had less work-related stress to boot!

So what?

The OP didn't go to uni so was happy not to encourage her own kids. Now they are permanently at home being entitled. Uni might have really helped them. Not sure descaling the steelworks is a job any more tbh.

This is the same lazy parenting that has 30 year olds who don't know how to coexist with their peers, partners, colleagues or have any resilience. Parenting isn't baby-ing your adult children - something a lot of mums do because outside of parenting they don't have an identity so don't want their children to leave. It's sending them into the world to learn how to be balanced, productive adults. No wonder there is so muck anxiety and depression in younger generations because there is no confidence gained from having your parents always next to you. Especially now in a globalised world where there's 20 somethings from other countries coming over, alone, who will develop and mature a lot more than someone still in their childhood bedroom.

My MIL has 2 useless sons like this (DH got out early) who are late 30s/40s and struggle to hold down a job - quitting the moment they get negative feedback because they're not used to it, struggle in relationships because they don't know how to manage life admin and women get fed up. MIL can't downsize to release equity because at this age they'd fall apart on their own. She wishes she'd kicked them out at 21 when they were still young enough to learn.

They'd probably still have been at home but with £50k of debt.

I feel more confident youngest and I will be ok we just need to keep communicating. I don’t know about the eldest right now
Hopefully the other 2 will be a bit jealous that the youngest is in favour and will start competing to also be on your good side?

I think you have summed the matter up very well @renoleno , and this:
She wishes she'd kicked them out at 21 when they were still young enough to learn
makes me want to say that it's almost like they've become institutionalised. Also it seems that there is a window of opportunity in the early 20's where you are 'ripe' for fledging but if you cant make the leap and there's nothing to push you then you may be forever stunted.

Urgh. I read the first line and it’s clearly an indirect judgement on your part. Get out.

great. Thanks for sharing

when i had teenagers at home that wouldnt wash up their dirty plates cups utensils ect.. I put some aside for myself in a hidden place and let the rest accumulate then I would put them out in the back garden. Eventually they would have to wash up something if they wanted to cook/eat/drink

Stop facilitating it. Put their mess (dirty plates, cups, clothes, post, books, etc) on their beds to sort out. Stop stocking the fridge. Get enough food for you, one meal at a time. Stop buying their food, toiletries etc.

Do they pay any rent? If they do, tell them it is going up to pay for a cleaner. If not, start charging until they realise how good they had it before!

Tell them they have 3 choices:

1. Pay more money so you can get a cleaner in every week.
2. They do it themselves, and live in the real world.
3. They move out ASAP, and give them a deadline to have found somewhere else.