I love my kids but they have not turned out as I hoped

[Pepsimaz]

I have young adult kids who live at home and I’ve brought them up alone as a single parent (with one day a week contact with their dad) his choice. I had a family who gave some help with childcare if I had to work, I worked part time and always tried to make sure I was there for them helping them doing home work and all the school pick ups. I had their friends round for sleepovers, gave them birthday parties, we had a nice life although on a budget with affordable UK break holidays. They always had clean clothes and food in the house and toys and stuff.

I supported them with their life choices to work retail jobs and not go to uni as I didn’t go to uni myself so no judgement on that. I didn’t have boyfriends move in. They used to help out in the house with chores and get pocket money and we were a team. I’ve done all the lifts here and there, helped them learn to drive. I wasn’t too strict or too lenient on them, they had rules in the house and would lose a device or be expected to apologise for bad behaviour.

the lockdown was the worst thing that happened to our relationship. They were hanging at home all day from college & 6th form with not much to do and I was juggling a very stressful job, the house, money and everything. I worried they were depressed so I tried to make sure they had help and support available to them but they started to act resentful and rude towards me and I probably resent them a bit too now.

I now feel trapped in my own home with rude and disrespectful brats who come and go as they please dropping shit everywhere and yelling at me if I ever ask them to help out. They do zero chores, they trash the house, blame each other for everything. From me going out to work for 9 hours I come back and feel depressed as the house stinks of old food, the bathroom is always disgusting, their rooms are a mess and they just come back home from work or friends, expect to use the washing machine and shower and mess up the kitchen then disappear for a few days. I clear it all up and then it’s nice for a day or 2 then back to being awful. When I try to talk to them they say well am never here, it was my sibling who did other or that they are too busy and have other things to do.

I am not important, I feel like a servant who is just trash to them. Whenever I try to tell them how I am feeling or why my time isn’t important too they just say I’m selfish and make everything about me. I don’t even have high standards. They won’t leave I’ve asked them to move out. I’ve added up that I cleaned up all this mess on Tuesday, Thursday and today and it took about 2-3 hours each time. This involves bleaching the bathroom which is covered in hair, toothpaste, splats of all their products up the walls and mirrors, hoovering the downstairs but first I have to pick everything up like trash spread around, sorting out the cats mess (their cat they never help), finding all the stuff to load into the dishwasher, scraping all the plates that didn’t clean the first time in the dishwasher because they don’t rinse them, taking out all the rubbish which I have to sort into recycling. They block up all the sinks somehow. I don’t even get round to cleaning other stuff like the windows or sorting out the garden because I’m doing all the work indoors.

I know the answer is to throw them out I suppose I believe this is my own fault I have raised these kids and the way they have turned out I only have myself to blame?

You sound absolutely miserable. Give notice, find a 1 bed and say they're on their own once you hand the keys back.

Dont move out unless you can transfer the tenancy into their names first. You dont want to still be liable for the rent and the damage.

Give them letters saying they are being evicted and tell them to speak to the council housing advisor for help in finding accommodation.

Young people are encouraged to think they can be shits and face no consequences. They are being abusive to you and you dont have to put up with that just because you raised them.

@Fanofbrianbilston That’s really quite scary. Most people are capable of “adulting” in their early 20’s so why the heck aren’t they?

Sounds like they are both boys or rather, men. I can't help but feel bad for the partners who end up with them if they don't learn to clear up after themselves. Yanbu but I wonder how it has got to this point. Please know that you are not expecting anything but basic respectful cohabiting standards which they should be following now as they are well into adulthood. You should not be made to feel like their maid. Difficulty renting a room etc is honestly their problem, they should have respected the nice home you had provided. And the stroppier one's treatment of you sounds abusive really.

I’m sorry if I missed this, but what did you think of the really early suggestions to move out and downsize?

I thought it sounded a positive, non-confrontational solution. And it had the additional benefit of giving you something to look forward to and all about your next life chapter rather than as a downtrodden mum.

Well, they sound appalling and you definitely should not be blaming yourself - they have been loved and cared for.

Give them a date by which they must move out. Explain that they have brought this upon themselves because they have treated you so shoddily and if they don't move out, you will put their stuff in bin bags and leave it outside.

Change the locks and do not tell them and do not let them worm their way back in. This will be hard - all your instincts will be to nurture them. One day, if they have any decency, they will realise that you did this for their own good, be ashamed and thank you - but don't hold your breath, it may take a while as their initial feelings will probably be anger and resentment, particularly as the magic housework fairy won't be around making everything nice again.

Give them notice. “The lease expires on X date. I will not be renewing it. I will be moving. You two will need to find somewhere to live. You will need to have your things packed and gone by that date and I expect £xxx to cover the cost of an exit clean.”

My DD did nothing while she was still at home and I too was a single parent working full time. It's only when she moved out to live with her boyfriend that she realised how much effort it takes to run a home. She apologised to me, she said "I did nothing!". Her boyfriend does not lift a finger, so I guess she is now getting a taste of her own medicine. If your children have to fend for themselves they will realise too.

They could still go to uni now

They’re in their 20s but cry when they’re told off and ask you to stick a reward chart up? That is beyond ridiculous.

You know what I’d do OP? I’d probably tell them I’m going to start a vlog where I document my daily life as a parent and all the embarrassing things my kids do (like cry and ask for reward charts), and ask them if they’re cool with me sharing it - perhaps even directly with the parents of their friends…

And OP, just imagine in the wild, a blue tit nest full still of all 8 little fledglings, coming back, opening their throats waiting to be fed, mama bird cleaning up the nest, picking up after them. How cramped and awful and sad would that poor mama bird feel.

Does this happen in the wild? NO.

You need to stop feeling guilty and for once in your life PUT YOURSELF FIRST.

Permission granted to live your life exactly the way you want to. You've done your bit. It's time for them to step up.

My daughter was exactly like your kids. BUT never rude never disrespectful. She is now a daughter and my best friend. But the way they are treating you is dusgusting
I would fuck them both off.

I don’t think you brought them up badly. They’re just thoughtless. They need to move out. Get some advice on how this can be done and get your life back.

Oh my god, kick them out. They'll carry on this lazy uselessness into adulthood (and relationships) and you'll never be free, if you don't. Parenting is forcing kids to be independent, learn resilience and clean up dates themselves. You've done all you can - the only way they'll learn these things by being forced to fend for themselves. Behind every useless adult, are parents killing themselves working and looking after them like teenagers. They may be angry and resentful but at 30 they'll realise it was the best thing you ever did.

Once they have flatmates they can't ignore or emotionally blackmail, they'll learn how to think of another person real quick.

Hi OP have you actually spelt it out to your children how you feel? Unfortunately many ,so called adults are one dimensional and have absolutely no self awareness!

Don’t beat yourself up, you suffered enough. Be loving and kind but be firm and get them out of the nest, for your own peace of mind. One day they may thank you for your tough love, and very possible they will appreciate your hard work after doing it on their own.

Have you tried a written cleaning schedule with very clear roles and jobs so that everyone is clear what is expected every week ?

I found this helpful for myself, to write it down so that I remember : Monday- deep clean kitchen appliances, Tuesday -deep clean bathroom, wednesdays - thoroughly wash floors and vacuum, Thursday- windows, doors, dusting Friday - laundry, tidying, garbage Saturday gardening/pet care, Sunday food prep etc etc

if every week something is deep cleaned it is much easier to stay on top.

do they pay rent and utilities? Do they contribute to groceries?

I would offer discounts if they are doing housework and maintenance, above and beyond cleaning up their own mess.

To put it in perspective, many young people are messy, even decent, kind ones. It is a selfish impulsive age, and adolescence doesn’t end until mid twenties when the brain is done growing. So they are physically adults but mentally and emotionally they are still immature. You can still influence their character by enforcing boundaries. You are just burned out and overly blaming yourself ❤️

I just wanted to say that it sounds like you have done everything right.
I know many families that go through a stage like the one you are describing, when children who used to be well behaved turn into horrible and ungrateful adults - and then the phase ends, they mature, and go back to being nice and responsible human beings.
I think until that happens you deserve a bit of space for yourself.
Sometimes the catalyst can be having a child and realising how much your parent has sacrificed for you.

You move. If the place is rented then rent somewhere smaller. Explain to ingrates that you are moving and do it. Tell them they must find their own place.
If you own the place, put it up for sale. Remove all products from bathroom, ditto towels etc. Remove washing powder from wherever the washing machine is. Get a small fridge and put your food in it in the lounge and lock the door so they have no access. Take the microwave in if necessary. Leave kitchen bare. Let them get on with it.

Whenever someone is coming to view do a blitz - but don't tidy their rooms, just stuff their things in bin bags and put in the wardrobe etc. They will never learn whilst you let them behave the way they are. And don't unpack the bin bags - they can do that.
Oh, and turn off the wi fi.

If they were 18 I would be more sympathetic. I call 18 year olds 'baby adults'. Yes they have the title, but no idea how to cope in the adult world and have to just learn as they go along. But your message in their 20's! I hope very early 20s - in any case far too old to be treating you like an absolute skivvy. If they won't move out then yes you go and force them out.
I love your 'starving them' attempts. I am very impressed at the ingenuity of that!😈

If it helps, this is pretty typical for kids in early 20s, so you certainly shouldn’t feel it’s your parenting. Lockdowns seem to have affected them. I’m sure it won’t damage your relationship long-term. Mine are a pain in the arse, too.

Have you tried having a serious chat together? Like, a proper house meeting at the table, where you discuss as adults. It might help to say that now you’re three adults sharing a home, they need to view it as a flat share, and that means doing their own laundry, cooking and fair share of the chores. If it’d help, you could draw up a rota, like some housemates do, so they know what they’ve agreed to do. Might stop them blaming each other.

If you talk to them about it, they only really have two choices. Leave and share a home with other people and tidy up after themselves and do their fare share of cleaning. Or stay living with you and do likewise. Let them decide which it is. But, if they choose to stay with you, they have to stick to it. They have two months notice, if it doesn’t improve, they have to go. How could they find that unreasonable?

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@TakemedowntoPotatoCity Yes, my DD (19) is a baby adult! But her behavior is better than what the OP describes, she can be messy sometimes, but not filthy, and she voluntarily cleans when she see something that needs doing. DS (just turned 16) is more grubby, but he has a couple of chores that he’s expected to do.

You do know it's not your job or your responsibility to find them somewhere to live?

I'm all for tweaks rather than massive life changes. So i would maybe get in a takeaway one night and ask them to ensure that they are in. Then over a hopefully civil dinner I would bring up the issues, tell them that you cannot carry on carrying the can for them and ask them for their suggestions of how they can contribute more going forward if they wish to continue living with you. Perhaps a rota, or they contribute towards the cost of a cleaner to clean up after themselves? If they owned their own home they wouldn't treat it the same way, but unfortunately they've always seen you as the one who does everything for them and have failed to notice that you are not just a mother, but a person and that they are no longer children, but adults. They need to remind themselves of that. They will be more cooperative though if they come up with their own solutions going forward and will be more likely to follow through with them. If they don't cooperate with you, then in a few weeks, I would sit them down together again and tell them that they will have to move out, but that you will help support them with advice as they find somewhere to live together. You could offer to teach them about council tax, electricity and water bills, furnishing, food costs, transport etc, agree to help them look for a place/take them to viewings etc.