I love my kids but they have not turned out as I hoped

[Pepsimaz]

I have young adult kids who live at home and I’ve brought them up alone as a single parent (with one day a week contact with their dad) his choice. I had a family who gave some help with childcare if I had to work, I worked part time and always tried to make sure I was there for them helping them doing home work and all the school pick ups. I had their friends round for sleepovers, gave them birthday parties, we had a nice life although on a budget with affordable UK break holidays. They always had clean clothes and food in the house and toys and stuff.

I supported them with their life choices to work retail jobs and not go to uni as I didn’t go to uni myself so no judgement on that. I didn’t have boyfriends move in. They used to help out in the house with chores and get pocket money and we were a team. I’ve done all the lifts here and there, helped them learn to drive. I wasn’t too strict or too lenient on them, they had rules in the house and would lose a device or be expected to apologise for bad behaviour.

the lockdown was the worst thing that happened to our relationship. They were hanging at home all day from college & 6th form with not much to do and I was juggling a very stressful job, the house, money and everything. I worried they were depressed so I tried to make sure they had help and support available to them but they started to act resentful and rude towards me and I probably resent them a bit too now.

I now feel trapped in my own home with rude and disrespectful brats who come and go as they please dropping shit everywhere and yelling at me if I ever ask them to help out. They do zero chores, they trash the house, blame each other for everything. From me going out to work for 9 hours I come back and feel depressed as the house stinks of old food, the bathroom is always disgusting, their rooms are a mess and they just come back home from work or friends, expect to use the washing machine and shower and mess up the kitchen then disappear for a few days. I clear it all up and then it’s nice for a day or 2 then back to being awful. When I try to talk to them they say well am never here, it was my sibling who did other or that they are too busy and have other things to do.

I am not important, I feel like a servant who is just trash to them. Whenever I try to tell them how I am feeling or why my time isn’t important too they just say I’m selfish and make everything about me. I don’t even have high standards. They won’t leave I’ve asked them to move out. I’ve added up that I cleaned up all this mess on Tuesday, Thursday and today and it took about 2-3 hours each time. This involves bleaching the bathroom which is covered in hair, toothpaste, splats of all their products up the walls and mirrors, hoovering the downstairs but first I have to pick everything up like trash spread around, sorting out the cats mess (their cat they never help), finding all the stuff to load into the dishwasher, scraping all the plates that didn’t clean the first time in the dishwasher because they don’t rinse them, taking out all the rubbish which I have to sort into recycling. They block up all the sinks somehow. I don’t even get round to cleaning other stuff like the windows or sorting out the garden because I’m doing all the work indoors.

I know the answer is to throw them out I suppose I believe this is my own fault I have raised these kids and the way they have turned out I only have myself to blame?

They can rent a house or an apartment together. That they definitely could afford. Why should their own mother be a slave to children in their 20s?
@Pepsimaz you didn't do anything wrong. You tried hard to be the best mother And it's obvious they can take care of themselves if they want to but you're letting your guilt forcing you into martyring yourself for them.
They need to move out. Pronto.

You are the instrument of your own downfall unfortunately, BUT, you are also the instrument of the solution!! Give them ONE month to shape up or ship out. Stop being a doormat!

How old are they? Do they pay board and lodge living with you as they’re adults? Charge them “rent” each and every time you have to clear up after then, charge them each an hourly rate for your time clearing the mess up, charge both of them equal amounts for your time so that there are no arguments who's mess it was. If they don’t like it or refuse to pay, tell them you’re moving to a one bed place on your own and they’ll have to find their own place- even if it’s a bluff on your part, they won’t know that.

Change the locks, even if just for a short time to give them a shock. It may make them think about their behaviour

And of course the adult children can be made to leave. If don't own the property or aren't on the tenancy agreement then they have no rights to remain in the property. A simple lock change would sort it.

Just a suggestion if you can bear it for a week or two; it may not take that long.
Stop doing anything for them or with the house; no washing, no food purchased,
no cleaning, no tidying. It will drive you crazy eg the bathroom, just wipe around where you need so you don't have to experience their , wash your own clothes but nothing for them, feed the cat, stop any subscriptions to Netflix, mobile phones. I'd give it TWO WEEKS MAX and if they still don't sort it - then you absolutely know it's time to kick them out and they can learn the hard way.
No guilt on your part either mind! You gave them a fair chance!
Good luck.

Make them move out! I say this having watched my Mum never force my Brother to move out. He's now 47, suspected ASD and will probably never move out. It's held him back, he has no life skills at all.

If they have jobs renting a room is probably the cheapest option , would you move to a one bedroom place so it’s for you only and they don’t have an option, they obviously need to stand on their own 2 feet and a reality check . They can’t be looked after forever.

My eldest daughter was a total slob in her own room When she moved and got a place of her own she transformed into the fussiest individual ever - vacuuming all the time and if dust even dare to land!! Took a while to recover from the shock. Anyway seems to me that yours need to leave home and sort themselves out even if they end up in rooms. Sorry to sound harsh but their lack of respect for you and what you do cannot go without consequence.

I understand how you feel. It’s becoming very common nowadays for adult children to disrespect their parents, especially lone mums. My son and my friends son have both decided they don’t want us in their lives despite having very good childhoods- mine in particular has treated me appallingly - wouldn’t lock the doors, wouldn’t feed my cat when I wasn’t there, broke and damaged my furniture- the list goes on. There is a fb site called Parents of Narcissistic Adult Children - have a look at that, it’s very good as you will see your children’s behaviour is not uncommon. I wish you lots of love and luck. x

Also, buy some brown rice and put small amounts in their rooms on the floor. Tell them you thought you saw a mouse in the house, that will more than likely make them clean their rooms

University does not solve this, my son went, got a good degree but still treated me like sh1t and we are no longer in contact.

Hi op,

another one here to say to ask them to leave. You have done it, they are raised and you aren’t their servant so if they want to be like that…they need to go! Honestly, I agree they sound as they need it too. Let’s see if they realise the work you were putting in if you aren’t there to do it.

🌺 Good luck

It sounds a really difficult situation.

I think you should push a straight choice that they either move out (I have read that you are showing your less co-operative child a house share advert) or
they agree to:

1. Do their washing/wash their bedding weekly
2. Remove all rubbish/dirty pots daily and wash them or in the dishwasher if you have one.
3. Everyone leaves the bathroom and loo decently.
4. Up their rent from the current £200 to a new rate of £400/£450 and you will budget the rent increase (which should be around £50 or £100 each week depending on if one child chooses to move out) to have a cleaner visit weekly. The cleaner must not have to clear dirty clothes or dirty dishes as they should be doing those as bare minimum.

Use the cleaners visit as a weekly marker for them to clear up the day before rather than to leave more mess e.g. telling them that the cleaner cannot clean effectively if there are clothes and rubbish or dirty dishes everywhere. Threats that is the cleaner needs a longer visit they will have to pay for it.

You have said that a room in a shared house is £700. If they are working full time are they earning about double that? That sounds OK to me. They have probably got used to having loads of money to spend while working and paying you only £200 but that doesn't reflect real adult life.

If they would like to go to university as a route to a better paid job they could still choose to go.

Despite what you may read on mumsnet this is all very normal now for their age group. It’s the last step before true independence while they still think they know everything. Whatever you decide, don’t blame yourself or think this is what they will always be like.

I had a similar experience when mine were growing up. I had a good relationship with them all through growing up and they did go to uni but when they got into their 30s I became the monster; I had fu%#ed up their childhood; they had lousy education, etc. I found it all very hard to understand because I thought I had done okay and still feel the hurt but guilt too. From talking to friends, it seems now to be the done thing to trash your parents and treat them like doormats. Thus I do understand that you feel hurt and maybe confused. Can’t they apply to uni now? Maybe they could go travelling and get something out of life instead of being hurtful to you and messing up your life. You sound like you are a lovely Mum. Could you go travelling or move in with a friend? That way they’ll have to fend for themselves for a bit and may soon realise where they are well off. I’d evict them as a last resort but you must do right by yourself too. Good luck and sending a hug.

Don't give up on them. Keep communicating and keep trying. As long as you don't give up, it'll get better.

They had a shower, made a mess and went out without talking to me. I had already cleaned the bathroom. I went in and there was blue Gillette shaving gel smeared over all the tiles, hair, toothpaste dripped on the floor. It is degrading to me, like a maid

I honestly wouldn't let them back in the house. Their attitude is actually appalling.Treating their mum so disrespectfully, they don't deserve a roof over their heads.

Same with my uncle aged 60. Suspected ASD. Has finally moved out and in with his girlfriend due to my Grandma dying.

Lives in squalor, dirty clothes, doesn’t wash enough etc. due to lack of life skills.

Good post. Alternatively tell them to move in with their dad.

That's disgusting. And deliberate
I assume no boyfriend/girlfriend?

Get that one out

You aren’t ’throwing them out’ like garbage. You are requiring them to be independent adults who are now to start taking personal responsibility for their own households (or in their case, their own rooms and communal areas in a house share). That stage in life comes for everyone. It comes quicker if you are are entitled, cheeky and lazy. And that’s the situation of their own making which they are now in.

This sounds like an awful situation to live in where no one is happy in your household and everyone is feeling frustrated. No wonder you are at the end of your tether. I would be too.

Is there any chance that you could get them together over a takeaway or meal out for a calm discussion. It will be a hard conversation, and you need t be careful not to accuse or blame them or prove right or wrong (otherwise both will shut down).

I do think you have a couple of options which are to move out or up their rent to pay for a cleaner. Ask them if they have any ideas and try to come to an agreement that all of you can accept.

Sadly, young adult children don't really understand keeping a place tidy and running a house until they move out so they won't have the same standards as you. However, when they do, they will appreciate you more. Good luck OP - it is not nice not being able to fully relax in your own home and having a safe and peaceful sanctuary.

One of my children was in a flatshare at 18. They would never have behaved like this,

And don't make excuses about the icing sugar

They couldn't be bothered!

Cleaners don't need to clean up their kind of mess - one is worse than a toddler