I love my kids but they have not turned out as I hoped

[Pepsimaz]

I have young adult kids who live at home and I’ve brought them up alone as a single parent (with one day a week contact with their dad) his choice. I had a family who gave some help with childcare if I had to work, I worked part time and always tried to make sure I was there for them helping them doing home work and all the school pick ups. I had their friends round for sleepovers, gave them birthday parties, we had a nice life although on a budget with affordable UK break holidays. They always had clean clothes and food in the house and toys and stuff.

I supported them with their life choices to work retail jobs and not go to uni as I didn’t go to uni myself so no judgement on that. I didn’t have boyfriends move in. They used to help out in the house with chores and get pocket money and we were a team. I’ve done all the lifts here and there, helped them learn to drive. I wasn’t too strict or too lenient on them, they had rules in the house and would lose a device or be expected to apologise for bad behaviour.

the lockdown was the worst thing that happened to our relationship. They were hanging at home all day from college & 6th form with not much to do and I was juggling a very stressful job, the house, money and everything. I worried they were depressed so I tried to make sure they had help and support available to them but they started to act resentful and rude towards me and I probably resent them a bit too now.

I now feel trapped in my own home with rude and disrespectful brats who come and go as they please dropping shit everywhere and yelling at me if I ever ask them to help out. They do zero chores, they trash the house, blame each other for everything. From me going out to work for 9 hours I come back and feel depressed as the house stinks of old food, the bathroom is always disgusting, their rooms are a mess and they just come back home from work or friends, expect to use the washing machine and shower and mess up the kitchen then disappear for a few days. I clear it all up and then it’s nice for a day or 2 then back to being awful. When I try to talk to them they say well am never here, it was my sibling who did other or that they are too busy and have other things to do.

I am not important, I feel like a servant who is just trash to them. Whenever I try to tell them how I am feeling or why my time isn’t important too they just say I’m selfish and make everything about me. I don’t even have high standards. They won’t leave I’ve asked them to move out. I’ve added up that I cleaned up all this mess on Tuesday, Thursday and today and it took about 2-3 hours each time. This involves bleaching the bathroom which is covered in hair, toothpaste, splats of all their products up the walls and mirrors, hoovering the downstairs but first I have to pick everything up like trash spread around, sorting out the cats mess (their cat they never help), finding all the stuff to load into the dishwasher, scraping all the plates that didn’t clean the first time in the dishwasher because they don’t rinse them, taking out all the rubbish which I have to sort into recycling. They block up all the sinks somehow. I don’t even get round to cleaning other stuff like the windows or sorting out the garden because I’m doing all the work indoors.

I know the answer is to throw them out I suppose I believe this is my own fault I have raised these kids and the way they have turned out I only have myself to blame?

I went in and there was blue Gillette shaving gel smeared over all the tiles, hair, toothpaste dripped on the floor. It is degrading to me

Yes, it is insulting. I would have lost my shit OP, if I'm being honest. All your plans sound great. Good luck.

I agree that the confrontational one needs to move out even if just temporarily. That chat needs to be about them needing parent free space as clearly both you and their Dad make them angry.

Then the other one has no excuse for not shaping up.

Being a punching bag for them is exhausting, even more as a single parent I should imagine.

I can't believe some of the replies berating the OP. If she had been talking about the disrespect and mess a husband or partner makes people would be piling on to say LTB. Why should she put up with it just because they are her adult children?

There must be a lot of doormats on MN willing to minimise awful behaviour just because they can't accept that children grow up and behaviours change and it has nothing to do with how they are brought up. Also that trope that brains are not fully formed until mid/late 20s doesn't mean it's a get out clause for poor decisions and trashing your home either.

They are adults in their 20s who are behaving like teenagers. Their behaviour is worse now than when they were teenagers. She is helping them by letting them still live at home while paying £200 per month and they repay her by pretty much trashing her home. They are rude and unpleasant to her as well.

Would you accept that behaviour from your adult children? I doubt that many people would.

Could you involve some other trusted adults in this situation? Family friends or relatives.
When we were in a very difficult situation with one of ours we were encouraged to try a 'non-violent resistance approach'. (Violence meaning confrontation etc).
Part of that involved increasing the presence of other adults in their life to make them more accountable.
Would they still act like this if someone came to stay with you for a while?
If a family friend discussed how it was impacting your wellbeing might they be embarrassed enough to change their behaviour?

OP, please kick the disrespectful one out. No more conversations or chances. She/he behaviour is vile and abusive. You don't have to put up with it. They're in their 20's now. Well able to look after themselves. Their behaviour won't change as long as you keep allowing it.

Op - speaking as the owner of a mid 20s DD, you need to ask them to move out.

You deserve to be treated with respect, and for your home to be clean and tidy so that you can enjoy it.

Good luck.

Give them 2 weeks, they either behave like decent human beings and clean up properly, wash their bedding etc, keep their rooms hygienic, or they move out. Both of them.
You are not their servant or slave. They are being incredibly disrespectful. No landlord would tolerate it and neither should you.

How much do you pay in rent and bills per week that you think £50 a month is sufficient for them to treat their mother like a housekeeper and speak to her like they do?

I wonder why they've turned out like this. It doesn't seem right unless there's something you haven't told us. Did you used to feel close to them? Have you always shouted and been grumpy with them? Could their dad have talked badly about you to them?
It sounds like you've been a great mum from your post, but something has made them like this.

This, 💯

People who trot out the "brains aren't fully formed" argument tend to expect very little of their young adult DC and it does them no favours. Of course you can't expect young adults to be perfect either, they will be self involved at times (I know I was!) may not notice or appreciate their impact on others and still need guidance at times. But these are working, wage earning adults who should be way past this sort of dreadful teenage stroppy behaviour and disrespect for others.

Surely the brain is never fully formed, it's always changing, neuroplasticity is an ongoing process.

Sounds very tough and I think yes to them moving on.

I actually think in this tough situation its good that you have 2 young adults as they could rent somewhere together which would mean they could share the costs of living alone and enter this new chapter of life together with support from one another. Saves them renting/housesharing with strangers so they are fortunate.

They don't know how lucky they are and are taking you for granted.

Can you look to see how much a 2 bedroom property for rent is near you? Then make them a budget, have a chat and show them the budget example and say you want them out.

Could you give them until after Christmas and that way its not all of a sudden and it will be a New Year, a new start. It will give them a few paychecks to put some money by which is another kindness you can offer them on top of all you've already done.

Sounds like moving out is the best option.
Maybe you can rebuild a relationship further down the line when distance and a bit of growing up have made them realise you were never the enemy

Sorry op but whats your relationship like with their dad?Is it at least cordial? Could you ask him to step in and read the riot act to them? Would he do that for you, would he listen? Maybe enough time has passed where you can be civil and he could help you do a double handed job on the kids? I hate my ex but on occassion when I have asked he has backed me up and this was very effective in getting the message across. I remember one time when he charged in (and we had sorted this out between us before so I knew exactly what was going to happen) and he made them sit down whilst he tore them to shreds. He said that by them being as they were it was causing him a problem too and regardless of how we,me and him were I was still their mother and had to be respected. Could something like that help maybe? Maybe even another trusted family friend? It might embarrass them into action. Your kids are presumming you are keeping it all to yourself, if they know others view them badly too and others know what they are behaving like they will not like it and want to be shown up in anyone elses eyes. Take someone into their bedroom when they are their and say look at this ..they will be mortified and hopefully galvanized into action. Crafty I know but effective!

I agree @CoffeandTiaMaria, no one in our family is allowed to speak to another person like that, it’s not tolerated.

I’m glad that you’re telling them to move out, OP, they need to learn to treat other people with respect.

@CrazyGoatLady I was originally going to put in the word crap but changed my mind and used trope instead. I didn't want to offend the frothers 😄.

More than happy to come help you out, I’ll have them disciplined in no time

On the 2 days they aren’t there, get the locks changed. If they don’t speak to you, at least you will have a peaceful/stress free life and a clean home. It won’t be long before they realise you won’t take their shit anymore. They know exactly what they’re doing but as you clean up after them and they know you will do nothing about them, they will continue to treat you this way.

I honestly think you need some sort of mediation and/or therapy as a family because there's clearly resentment on both sides and some unresolved issues around the separation from your partner.

Yes, your adult kids absolutely should be helping around the house and take responsibility for not just cleaning up after themselves but also doing the general daily/weekly tasks. And they should be contributing to costs (e.g. buying some food and some cleaning products, contributing to the cost of maintaing the house such as boiler service, carpet, redecoration) - even if they're not paying rent.

Right now, they're disrespecting their home and not valuing the effort you make to provide a roof over their heads.

However, it sounds like there's years of a tricky relationship with them and it does sound like you resent your kids for making your life a challenge and you act a bit like a martyr. Additionally it sounds like you don't value the times when the kids have tried to help. Why would anyone offer to do more if they get disparaged when they do (e.g. the icing sugar)?

Now that you've recognised this situation is untenable you need to do something about it.

Yes, the simple thing would he to kick them out. But if you want to actually have a positive relationship with your kids then you actually need to identify and try to solve the reasons why both you and they seem to resent each other.

You sound like a great mum. Your kids are taking you for granted. I would encourage them to move out, if they can’t afford their own place they could get a house share. Just explain (when your calm not during an argument) that things are not working out with them all at home and you want them to find their own place. It will be good for them, it will teach them responsibility. It won’t damage your relationship, they will realise quickly how much you have done for them.

I would love to know where in the country rooms are going for £200 a month cos where I am the average is around £600

Do you charge rent? If not then start. It's very hard being a single Mum and I know you want the best for them but something has to change. Small steps. Leave their stuff where it is or pile in one place. Do not wash it or hang it up. No doing laundry unless the laundry is where it should be. Shut the door on their rooms. Their space their mess. I could never ask mine to leave but when they realised I wasn't waiting on them they started doing things themselves. It takes time but nothing changes if nothing changes. Good luck. X

One of my sons was a bit like that - perhaps not as extreme. His room was a mess, wouldn't get a job, wouldn't move out. But he grew up, matured and now he is lovely, has a good job and bought his own flat which he keeps immaculately. So don't give up hope. It's easy to demand they move out but how do you physically make them do it? Especially if you want to keep your own house and not downsize. Perhaps the withdrawal of access - can you lock the kitchen, cut off the internet? - will work. Try and make life as uncomfortable as possible for them. If they are not amenable to a sensible conversation, and it sounds like they are not, it will be difficult to do things in a less confrontational way. If they have jobs they will be able to afford a room somewhere.

Goodness me, this sounds stressful and overwhelming. I am sorry.

Reading this I can’t see how you are to blame, you sound reasoned and balanced, you’ve consistently worked hard to provide a home, holidays and support in education and life. At their age they need to start taking responsibility for their own actions and stop blaming others, hell we could all do that for the rest of our lives!
Moving forward I would declare a family meeting, possibly on neutral ground (maybe a quiet pub in a corner), take notes of your new rules and immediate implementation.
Discuss calmly but firmly you cannot tolerate carrying on as it is, and should it not improve you will sell the house and they will need to source alternate accommodation.

That or just announce they need to move out as you will be moving at some point (give them a departure time limit but don’t tell them your moving timeline).

I wish you luck and a future full of exciting adventures for you and a glorious future!