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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him I was disappointing not to hear from him

113 replies

terryclothmum · 28/09/2024 17:21

I have been dating a guy for about 10 dates. Early on in dating he said it was important to
him that the person he was dating didn’t disappear for hours without explanation. It made him feel anxious and he preferred someone to give a heads up if they were likely to go quiet for a while. I totally agreed with this and his open communication is something I’ve really liked about him. We’ve both stuck to this throughout and it’s nice.

We were supposed to go out last night and then I was going to stay at his house and we had brunch plans today. It had been a long anticipated date as he was on a work trip the week before.

Unfortunately I had a family emergency at the last minute and had to drive down to my parents urgently yesterday and will be here for the weekend.

He was nice enough when I first told him, but he went out elsewhere last night and the last I heard of him was one word, at 5pm yesterday, and nothing since. This is really REALLY unusual for him and really at odds with what he always says about keeping in touch. I know everyone has different texting patterns/boundaries, but this is very unusual in our dynamic.

AIBU to text him and tell him I was disappointed in this? I don’t want to stop
seeing him or anything, but it felt really disrespectful.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 28/09/2024 17:24

You really really should want to stop seeing him op. You should have ran for the hills the first time he forbade you from not telling him what you are doing if you go for a few hours. That is controlling, and a mahousive red flag.

Messen · 28/09/2024 17:25

Mmm. Providing nothing nasty has befallen him or his phone, I’d be suspecting his ‘anxiety’ at not hearing from women might actually not be anxiety but an indication of controlling tendencies. And that this is your punishment (silent treatment) Is he long-term single or has he said he has been with difficult or ‘crazy’ people in the past?

arethereanyleftatall · 28/09/2024 17:26

Also, he has quite possibly ghosted you so it's irrelevant what emotion you detail to him in a text.
He might have a 'one chance to not obey me and gone' mantra.

Original poster
terryclothmum · 28/09/2024 17:26

arethereanyleftatall · 28/09/2024 17:24

You really really should want to stop seeing him op. You should have ran for the hills the first time he forbade you from not telling him what you are doing if you go for a few hours. That is controlling, and a mahousive red flag.

He definitely didn’t forbid me at all! He just said it was something he found hard, when we were talking about what we struggle with in dating. He said he preferred it to just get a heads-up of someone is going to go quiet. It came up in the context of that conversation.

OP posts:
batsandeggs · 28/09/2024 17:26

Sounds like he’s throwing a strop because you couldn’t meet and that’s a huge red flag. Bet he has a shitty response to your communication.

AgreeableDragon · 28/09/2024 17:26

arethereanyleftatall · 28/09/2024 17:24

You really really should want to stop seeing him op. You should have ran for the hills the first time he forbade you from not telling him what you are doing if you go for a few hours. That is controlling, and a mahousive red flag.

This!

Thfrog · 28/09/2024 17:29

he said it was important to
him that the person he was dating didn’t disappear for hours without explanation.

Don't sign up for this!

Original poster
terryclothmum · 28/09/2024 17:29

batsandeggs · 28/09/2024 17:26

Sounds like he’s throwing a strop because you couldn’t meet and that’s a huge red flag. Bet he has a shitty response to your communication.

I feel like it’s somewhat this. Not that he doesn’t think my excuse is good enough, or genuine. More that he’s just like “oh well, she missed her chance”.

I actually don’t think he’s ghosting. I have no doubt he’ll reappear. I think he’s just being downright rude.

OP posts:
batsandeggs · 28/09/2024 17:30

terryclothmum · 28/09/2024 17:29

I feel like it’s somewhat this. Not that he doesn’t think my excuse is good enough, or genuine. More that he’s just like “oh well, she missed her chance”.

I actually don’t think he’s ghosting. I have no doubt he’ll reappear. I think he’s just being downright rude.

Edited
Show quote history

I agree with you thinking, and if you communicate your thoughts now (ie disappointed not to hear from him) his response to that should give you a good indication of who he really is.

Doltontweedle · 28/09/2024 17:32

arethereanyleftatall · 28/09/2024 17:24

You really really should want to stop seeing him op. You should have ran for the hills the first time he forbade you from not telling him what you are doing if you go for a few hours. That is controlling, and a mahousive red flag.

This. Sounds like he’s already trying to lay the groundwork for full control of the op in the future. I thought it was going to read she had to warm him if she was going off grid for a few days, not a few hours ffs. And it’s clearly ok for him to do it..

Skyrainlight · 28/09/2024 17:35

"Early on in dating he said it was important to
him that the person he was dating didn’t disappear for hours without explanation." Huge red flag!!!!!

Cosyblankets · 28/09/2024 17:36

For a start he's controlling.
Are you more bothered that he's gone out or whatever or that he's not bothered asking how things are?
Throw this one back

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 17:37

it doesn’t have legs op

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 17:38

since that one word message from him

have you messaged him?

SpringboksSocks · 28/09/2024 17:38

terryclothmum · 28/09/2024 17:26

He definitely didn’t forbid me at all! He just said it was something he found hard, when we were talking about what we struggle with in dating. He said he preferred it to just get a heads-up of someone is going to go quiet. It came up in the context of that conversation.

Show quote history

I’ve been on the receiving end of a partner just going quiet for long periods out of nowhere and so I can possibly relate to him on this one and I don’t necessarily think it’s controlling.

But his actions yesterday and today don’t follow and I think you’d be right to be bringing it up.

SpringboksSocks · 28/09/2024 17:40

It’s definitely rude

username0489 · 28/09/2024 17:41

He sounds very controlling and like he's punishing you. I have no idea why you agreed to be at his beck and call 24/7 as I would have blocked him. Now the mask is slipping further and he's punishing you for not going on the date.

You need to end this.

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 17:42

and the last I heard of him was one word, at 5pm yesterday, and nothing since.

and you’ve messaged in this time but no response?

Gymmum82 · 28/09/2024 17:49

I agree he’s punishing you for daring to cancel the date.
As for him having to know where you are and what you’re doing if you’re going to go quiet I’m not sure I’d like that either. It does sound quite controlling. I don’t even tell my husband if I’m going to ‘go quiet’ I’m just busy

AlohaRose · 28/09/2024 17:51

Am I missing something here? He said he likes to know if people are not going to be available for a while so you messaged explaining that you had a family emergency and couldn't make the date, he responded (nicely you said), made other plans and is now leaving you to deal with the emergency. Is it possible that he thinks you haven't got time for messaging right now now?

Delphiniumandlupins · 28/09/2024 17:57

Might he just assume you are busy with your family crisis? Or would you expect him to still be sending you messages even though you might not respond? I don't really see it as rude but it might be a miscommunication or controlling.

MumblesParty · 28/09/2024 17:57

He’s punishing you for letting him down OP. I don’t think that bodes well for the future.

Aroastdinnerisnotahumanright · 28/09/2024 17:58

This is one of the most classic red flags in the book!

Original poster
terryclothmum · 28/09/2024 18:05

Delphiniumandlupins · 28/09/2024 17:57

Might he just assume you are busy with your family crisis? Or would you expect him to still be sending you messages even though you might not respond? I don't really see it as rude but it might be a miscommunication or controlling.

The last time I text him was to ask if he’d planned something else fun for the weekend, and he didn’t reply.

Before that he was also replying really
sporadically once I’d cancelled our weekend plans.

It did occur to me that when I went a bit quiet last weekend as I was at a friend’s birthday party, he ignored me for a while the next morning and then made a comment about how I’d taken a long time to reply the night before so he could take a long time too.

He said it in a slightly less ominous sounding way than I’ve described it above but at the time it struck me as super odd and now it’s adding up a bit more.

OP posts:
Olika · 28/09/2024 18:06

"Early on in dating he said it was important to
him that the person he was dating didn’t disappear for hours without explanation."

I don't like this. It's controlling and needy. Also I would take a step back and give him space to show you what he really thinks of you by observing his behaviour. Don't try to explain or apologise further about cancelling due to family emergency. Just let him be busy with his 'other plans' until he gets in touch again. If he doesn't then you know he wasn't the person to build meaningful relationship with.