To tell him I was disappointing not to hear from him

[terryclothmum]

I have been dating a guy for about 10 dates. Early on in dating he said it was important to
him that the person he was dating didn’t disappear for hours without explanation. It made him feel anxious and he preferred someone to give a heads up if they were likely to go quiet for a while. I totally agreed with this and his open communication is something I’ve really liked about him. We’ve both stuck to this throughout and it’s nice.

We were supposed to go out last night and then I was going to stay at his house and we had brunch plans today. It had been a long anticipated date as he was on a work trip the week before.

Unfortunately I had a family emergency at the last minute and had to drive down to my parents urgently yesterday and will be here for the weekend.

He was nice enough when I first told him, but he went out elsewhere last night and the last I heard of him was one word, at 5pm yesterday, and nothing since. This is really REALLY unusual for him and really at odds with what he always says about keeping in touch. I know everyone has different texting patterns/boundaries, but this is very unusual in our dynamic.

AIBU to text him and tell him I was disappointed in this? I don’t want to stop
seeing him or anything, but it felt really disrespectful.

Get rid. Fast xx

I know a lot of people are saying the initial request of letting each other know when you can't respond is a red flag but I disagree like you do.
I think this is quite a healthy communication of needs/wants/desires that builds a better foundation of relationships. It is far better to discuss the expectations and needs openly like this than just get annoyed when someone doesn't follow your expectations you didn't communicate. People aren't mind readers.
BUT to then disregard that and not discuss their feelings or needs after the fact and use it as a "sulk" is the red flag behaviour.
I would normally go down the "We said that we prefer to let each other know when we can't respond for a while. That seems to not be happening right now. Why?" As it gives them the opportunity to see that you noticed but without the emotion and blame that they might take wrongly from the message.
The answer will probably show you what you need to know.

Sounds like he's annoyed at you and trying to punish you for leaving

This. So much this!

“please don’t construe me as some poor, downtrodden woman”

😕

Too much hard work after 10 dates… it should all be fun!

People who are controlling are by their very nature anxious. That’s why they do it.

There is not the distinction people seem to think / hope there is between emotionally vulnerable anxious people who just need you to be on hand for them constantly and always tell them where you are and what you’re doing because of their anxiety and insecurities, and monsters who want to control you just because.

You had an emergency and he hasn't checked In With you?
He hasn't been in touch in over a day which is the opposite to how you normally communicate

He is either punishing you for changing plans
With someone else
Had an emergency

If it's not the latter then you sound da like you know what to do x

Being the devils advocate....does he think you've faked the family emergency?

But I don’t think it is reasonable to say, I need advance warning if you will not be available to chat to me as it makes me anxious when it happens without my not knowing why. A functional adult understands they need to manage their own anxiety, not decide it’s somebody else’s responsibility never to trigger it.

Oh, again, classic. He’s adding a nice triangulation dimension here. The purpose of this silence/sulk is to make you do the pick me dance. Google it. It normally happens after the affair he instigated: this one is starting early.

Who cares? The kind of person who suspects ulterior motives all the time when you’re dealing with hard family shit is not a keeper.

It does come across like he's sulking.

But you will know better than our guesses - whatever your gut is saying, listen to it!

Usually a good guy doesn't give cause for you questioning things/yourself like this.

@terryclothmum Another of the same kind of man on here.
OP it’s a game he is playing . This is your punishment for not being with him .

How dare you have a family emergency . He comes first he is most important.

Exacty! His paranoia is not her responsibility to deal with / manage / reassure, nor is it an excuse or justification for his sulking. If he has trust issues to this extent he has no business being in a relationship.

He sounds like a cunt.

But tbh if someone didn't see me two weekends in a row and cited a family emergency I'd assume I'm at least potentially getting played.

This in spades.

i read the first few sentences of your OP and was like no no no no noooooo

You are not desperate.

you can and will do better ! find your bar and raise it, now.

and he is in his 40's - WOW !

You both sound really intense and controlling. Why would you send him a message telling him off? Can’t you just call him?

You don’t sound well suited, it shouldn’t be this hard only 10 dates in.

Sorry but I think he's playing tit-for-tat. You didn't communicate so now he isn't.

Listen to your gut on this.

Why on earth did you agree to date him to begin with? The red flags were waving away from day one 😬

Thought the same.

I'll disappear for hours on end whenever I want thanks.

This should be the super hot fun times getting to know each other. It really should not involve any sulking because you went to a friends party.

There should be some low key supportive messages regarding your family emergency. Not punishing you for cancelling plans.

You can already see some red flags.

In My 40s I really would not be able to tolerate being controlled like this. Whatever you say he is trying to control you. The sulking over you attending a party and his words afterwards would tell me all I needed to know.

If he’s displaying this behaviour ten weeks in it’s not a good sign and will only get worse. At your age do you want to be with someone who sulks and makes you pay emotionally if you see a friend and visit family in an emergency?

@Bunnyhair but that is not what has been said.
Yes the result might be anxiety but it is good communication to discuss that this and this makes it easier to be in a relationship where you are having the conversation rather than hoping someone is a mind reader.
There are always things that might cause feelings of that nature and yes you are responsible for how you respond but it is not bad to discuss how to limit them in a relationship

I bet he bloody hasn't.