To tell him I was disappointing not to hear from him

[terryclothmum]

I have been dating a guy for about 10 dates. Early on in dating he said it was important to
him that the person he was dating didn’t disappear for hours without explanation. It made him feel anxious and he preferred someone to give a heads up if they were likely to go quiet for a while. I totally agreed with this and his open communication is something I’ve really liked about him. We’ve both stuck to this throughout and it’s nice.

We were supposed to go out last night and then I was going to stay at his house and we had brunch plans today. It had been a long anticipated date as he was on a work trip the week before.

Unfortunately I had a family emergency at the last minute and had to drive down to my parents urgently yesterday and will be here for the weekend.

He was nice enough when I first told him, but he went out elsewhere last night and the last I heard of him was one word, at 5pm yesterday, and nothing since. This is really REALLY unusual for him and really at odds with what he always says about keeping in touch. I know everyone has different texting patterns/boundaries, but this is very unusual in our dynamic.

AIBU to text him and tell him I was disappointed in this? I don’t want to stop
seeing him or anything, but it felt really disrespectful.

Emotionally abusing me? No. I barely know the guy. I have no emotions towards him except disappointment.

but here you are OP. At your parents following a family emergency starting a thread wondering about him and what he’s playing at and feeling “disappointed” that he hasn’t messaged because that would have been the kind thing to have done

that kind of is emotional abuse

Both in our 40s but he’s never been married.

Oh my goodness.

He's not happy you have prioritised family needing you above him.

Have you really had to account to your whereabouts and be in touch with him every FEW HOURS since meeting him? I thought you were going to say that you need to be in touch every few days! How absolutely draining and ridiculously needy and controlling.

I'm sorry OP but I'd recommend backing out of this relationship now. He'll have you doubting yourself and walking on eggshells as soon as he can. That's not a healthy relationship.

You've had to rush away to a family emergency. A decent boyfriend would be, as a minimum, messaging you to check all is OK. A very decent boyfriend would have offered to go with you to help.

He's done neither of these things and has now gone silent on you. That's really not good enough.

I don’t disagree he has red flags but please don’t construe me as some poor, downtrodden woman as that couldn’t be further from the case.

you’re with your family following what was presumably a concerning situation
and yet your thinking and wondering about him

He has achieved precisely what he set out to do

As others have said, he is moulding you to behave exactly as he wants you to down the line. Disarming, disengaging so that you don't prioritise others over him in future. Playing the victim.
You are now stuck in the cycle of second guessing, analysing and trying to work him out.
Best get out before you get in. I say this from a very similar experience.

children on either side?

@terryclothmum .
Agree with run,don't look back.ok he didn't "forbid" you .BUT.. is his issue,not yours. If causes him high anxiety is f your drop of radar the very least you ought to expect is two way street.

You are now on punishment duty.

Zero consideration but YOU being disappointed, worse still,zero regard or concern not even checkt in you are doing ok? /Fam emergency.

He is Someone who uses silence in that manner knows exactly the impact it has,tbh the fact he specified to avoid doing it is awful.. It's a very basic and effective form of abuse .

You be swinging between worried, concerned, confused, hurt,upset, he knows this.

just to add, I bet if you message him with a “thanks but no thanks, I don’t appreciate you ignoring me as a punishment” then he’ll come back with an entirely plausible reason he couldn’t contact you and you’ll be wrong footed. For that reason, I’d leave it til he contacts you and see what he says; rather than giving him something to react to.

the thing that bothers me is that tit-for-tat thing when he deliberately took ages to reply after you’d been late responding when you were out with your friend.

Personally I wouldn't text him. You don't want the headache of some kind of text argument while you are dealing with a family emergency.

He is not a child. Leave him to his sulk or whatever is going on and get on with what you need to do.

As others have said after 10 dates I'd be seriously considering some of these red flags.

Don't message him. Never double text. Just wait and let him message you - see what he has to say for himself. And then end it.

It’s concerning that he has established this so early on, he will use it in every situation he can going forward. He’ll say: I told you from the start that I don’t like it when I don’t know where you are all the time.

Women who gets into controlling relationships aren’t meek or foolish, it can happen to anyone. It’s a slow process and their controlling behaviour starts off being explainable and they usually explain it’s because of previous experiences.

Be careful with this one. He’s most likely not a good or healthy partner.

I really don’t think it’s a sulk that I cancelled the date. although last week he was definitely
sulking.

I think it’s more of a general disrespect and probably finding something (someone…) more interesting to do now I’m not available
to entertain him.

Just as bad as a sulk though. Worse, in some ways!

he’s played a blinder OP
He would be smirking to himself if he read this thread
because that would mean he achieved what he wanted
You thinking about him rather than your family

A normal reaction to anyone having to go home for a family emergency would be to check in that they arrived safely and that everything is OK.

Silence is not normal. And very far from OK.

That's exactly what you're supposed to think. Oh no, if I cancel a date with him, he had other options! Best make sure I always put him first in future. Don't fall for it. If he was with someone else you'd have either heard nothing at all or it would have been messaging as normal so you didn't suspect. He's playing you.

He is an avoidant. Bin him he wont change. Sulking is very unattractive to begin with but it is support you need if you have an emergency not for him to be a child about a cancelled plan.

This is meant to be the ‘honeymoon period’ of a relationship and already you’re second guessing what you should do / say.

He’s abusive - sulking and punishing you for cancelling arrangements. Last week was bad enough but this is worse as you have a family emergency. He’s showing you who he is and I really worry from your responses that you sort of feel it’s ok / are ignoring it.

Does he have friends to hang out with when you’re not available? He might be insecure as you are out doing things with friends last weekend. And when you asked him if he had fun plans this weekend, he felt embarrassed as he has nothing planned but doesn’t want to admit it. He might have gone quiet as he’s depressed. Also a red flag but just putting another possibility out there.

Oh my God, run for the hills OP, run!!!

You're starting to see his actions in a new light and I think the new light is the right interpretation - he's a controller, a sulker, and definitely not someone you should waste any more time on. Lucky escape.

as much as he’s pissed me off, he did NOT ask me keep in touch with him all the time:
but he did. He said more than a few hours of no contact needs an explanation. And he punishes you if you dont comply.

OP all of your updates/responses suggest that you are falling into the exact trap of what he wants, including believing he won’t be able to emotionally abuse you….

don't you dare message him.

Oh oh. That’s classic headfuckery territory.
He’s transactional. Aside from anything else that’s a really, really bad sign. He isn’t motivated by care, interest and mutual support. He is keeping an internal emotional balance sheet.

Go really silent. Like, forever.

You’ve got bad vibes. Trust ‘em :)

Ugh no. Who wants to be some inadequate-feeling guy’s support human?

You mostly seem upset that he hasn’t lived up to your agreed communication pattern but I’m more shocked that you wanted this pattern or agreed to it (and seemed to like the idea when he was following the agreement).

Is messages every 30m to an hour normal? I would have thought that you would have inevitably disappeared for hours every day because you’d be travelling to work, at work and travelling home. Outside of a quick lunch break, when would you have the chance to message him?

I would assume (hope) that what he wanted was a very unusual communication style. I would certainly find it very odd, controlling and not achievable even if I did want it. If so then throw this one back. If you wanted this as well then maybe pause to think about what you want in a relationship and (I mean this nicely so I’m so sorry if it comes across harshly), if you’re needy. I think it’s quite unusual (or it’s just me and this is normal).