To tell him I was disappointing not to hear from him

[terryclothmum]

I have been dating a guy for about 10 dates. Early on in dating he said it was important to
him that the person he was dating didn’t disappear for hours without explanation. It made him feel anxious and he preferred someone to give a heads up if they were likely to go quiet for a while. I totally agreed with this and his open communication is something I’ve really liked about him. We’ve both stuck to this throughout and it’s nice.

We were supposed to go out last night and then I was going to stay at his house and we had brunch plans today. It had been a long anticipated date as he was on a work trip the week before.

Unfortunately I had a family emergency at the last minute and had to drive down to my parents urgently yesterday and will be here for the weekend.

He was nice enough when I first told him, but he went out elsewhere last night and the last I heard of him was one word, at 5pm yesterday, and nothing since. This is really REALLY unusual for him and really at odds with what he always says about keeping in touch. I know everyone has different texting patterns/boundaries, but this is very unusual in our dynamic.

AIBU to text him and tell him I was disappointed in this? I don’t want to stop
seeing him or anything, but it felt really disrespectful.

"It did occur to me that when I went a bit quiet last weekend as I was at a friend’s birthday party, he ignored me for a while the next morning and then made a comment about how I’d taken a long time to reply the night before so he could take a long time too.

He said it in a slightly less ominous sounding way than I’ve described it above but at the time it struck me as super odd and now it’s adding up a bit more."

Oh gosh I dislike him even more after reading this. You should just never meet him again.

This.

Your update is quite telling OP. He is a control freak. End it, he's going to be a nightmare. 💐

Definitely not the case. He knows things are quiet here at my parents and i’m not doing much. I do indeed think he’s gone out, but the last text was me asking what he had planned last night, and he didn’t reply and hasn’t text back since.

what was the “one word at 5pm”??

Bloody hell OP don't settle for this shit.

Throw this one back! He's really controlling.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Oh ffs, is he 5? Why would you want to be with someone like that?

Oh, so it's okay if he does it to you, but not if you do it to him.
Got it.

Throw this one back!

Too much hard work, arse ache, bullshit. He needs to grow a pair and stop being such a narcissist that he thinks he can impose regimented rules on people then blank them. He does not sound healthy or decent tbh.
Not worth it and you can do so much better.

Sounds like he is punishing you.

I agree, he snubbed OP last weekend after she went out partying, and is snubbing her again today because she cancelled their plans. Sounds like baby can’t stand to not get his way.

For what it’s worth OP, you really need to consider that someone who can’t adapt to last minute changes, spontaneous nights out, family emergencies without giving the silent treatment or a ‘taste of your own medicine’ is very unattractive. Inability to be understanding does not make for a good partner.

"he said it was important to
him that the person he was dating didn’t disappear for hours without explanation"

WTF?! He has to be able to track your movements? That's nuts. Why are you even dating him?

Not only do you need to dump this man immediately, you need to read/speak to friends/get counselling to ascertain why him asking you to let him know what you were doing at all times, didn't immediately result in you blocking him. He might as well have had 'I'm controlling' stamped on his forehead.

He seems to have a "tit for tat" mentality that I would find immature and unattractive.

Christ. He really is controlling. He literally punishes you every time you have a life away from him

I can feel the emotional abuse from here.

He sounds shit.

Throw him back.

as much as he’s pissed me off, he did NOT ask me keep in touch with him all the time:

We were talking about our past dating lives and our triggers, and he said one was when someone went quiet for hours without explanation, if they’d been chatting a lot usually. That was all. He preferred someone to give a heads-up if they were too busy to reply.

I also don’t like this but in general won’t just go quiet on anyone I was midway through chatting to - friend, family or date.

I don’t disagree he has red flags but please don’t construe me as some poor, downtrodden woman as that couldn’t be further from the case.

Emotional abuse is insidious. It can happen to anyone.

Immature and unattractive, yes.

Possibly not replying because he’s off shagging someone else? Possibly also yes.

Emotionally abusing me? No. I barely know the guy. I have no emotions towards him except disappointment.

Could he end up being someone who is controlling? Yes. But he won’t get that far with me.

At no point have I replied to him when I haven’t wanted to or had the time to do so. Nor would I.

how old are you both op?
has he been married in the past?

They don't usually. Typical behaviour is to go cold and thaw slowly when they think the other person has done enough apologising and learned their lesson. Often these types don't have relationship options growing on every tree given the number of women who run a mile from them, so they tend to try to shape the existing one to their requirements. I agree the OP shouldn't message him though. It's always interesting to see what they do if you ignore it.

So it would make him anxious if you were out of touch with him for a while? And now he is out of touch with you for a while?

Maybe he wants you to feel anxious? Or maybe he doesn't have much empathy.

I was about to say I thought it depended on the emergency as to whether you were being unreasonable. A real emergency fair enough to cancel plans. But it does nark me when people cancel last minute and it’s really just an excuse.

I also thought people were being unreasonable to say he’s wrong to ask to know if you’re going to be out of touch. I hate people blowing hot and cold. But then you said he also was arsey about you having plans last week and is basically punishing you by withholding communications. Fuck that. Red flag flying 🚩