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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being selfish?

108 replies

Met44 · 28/09/2024 13:20

Married 22 years, not particularly a happy one. DH has been quite emotionally abusive, gaslights, putting me down etc.

Had a really bad few years with my mental health, hospital stay and DH wasn't very supportive.
Then had a major accident which left me bedridden for 6weeks. DH would cook for me but did little in the house and no emotional support at all.

We discussed splitting up but not really an option financially at the moment.

I decided to get myself together, make more friends and just have a life for myself.

DH was then diagnosed with life changing cancer. We pulled together and I have been supportive. The first six weeks he seemed appreciative, we started doing things together and I just wanted to be there for him every step of the way. He was snappy and irritated with me at times but I let it all go over my head, who wouldn't be snappy in that situation?

The last few weeks though he has returned to type. Being quite nasty and emotionally abusive. I'm torn because I know this is a difficult time for him but it's really upsetting.

Last night he was horrible and I snapped back and we argued. He told me he doesn't want me looking after him.

Im just feeling very low today. I have nobody to talk to because he doesn't want anyone knowing and I have to respect that.

Was I being selfish to snap back? Not sure if I should just keep my mouth shut whilst he is going through treatment?

I feel so sad but not sure if I'm being selfish in all this?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 28/09/2024 13:23

Someone being unwell doesn't mean you have to be their emotional punchbag.

jeaux90 · 28/09/2024 13:26

You haven't been selfish enough OP.

No one has to put up with this shit.

username0489 · 28/09/2024 13:28

He's not going to change so you potentially have a lifetime of abusive behaviour from this man and your mental health is already fragile. Have you ever contacted a domestic abuse charity? They'll be able to support you while you leave.

Original poster
Met44 · 28/09/2024 13:32

@username0489

Financially it isn't possible at the moment. I also could not possibly leave whilst he is ill.

I already feel guilty that I put my children through so much. They love their dad, he is very careful around them.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 28/09/2024 13:32

Unless it was terminal and he had only a few months to live I would have literally stayed until he finishes his treatment - and only if it was punishing - some forms are not as harsh

Just go for your own mental health

gapattachment · 28/09/2024 13:32

No I don't think you're being selfish. He's behaving the same way he behaved without cancer.

Quitelikeit · 28/09/2024 13:33

Just seen your update

ofc they love their dad but you are also exposing them to an abusive bully

pinkyredrose · 28/09/2024 13:34

You're not selfish. His illness doesn't cancel out decades of being an arsehole.

Time to split. He'll have to have carers visit, you can't waste any more of your life on this shitshow of a marriage.

PinkyFlamingo · 28/09/2024 13:36

Your children will have seen and understood more than you think I suspect.

AgileGreenSeal · 28/09/2024 13:39

He doesn’t want you looking after him.
Grant him his wish .

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2024 13:40

He can fuck right off. I wouldn't lift a finger for him. I'd be telling him he's on his own, so he'd better find someone else to take care of him. Maybe he'll learn that his abusive behaviour has consequences.

AgileGreenSeal · 28/09/2024 13:42

Met44 · 28/09/2024 13:32

@username0489

Financially it isn't possible at the moment. I also could not possibly leave whilst he is ill.

I already feel guilty that I put my children through so much. They love their dad, he is very careful around them.

How old are they, OP?

hugs for you, by the way xx 💐
emotional abuse is horrendously damaging 😞

username0489 · 28/09/2024 13:43

Met44 · 28/09/2024 13:32

@username0489

Financially it isn't possible at the moment. I also could not possibly leave whilst he is ill.

I already feel guilty that I put my children through so much. They love their dad, he is very careful around them.

Have you had any legal advice? Since you're married, you'll be entitled to a share of the house and potentially other assets.

You don't owe an abuser didley and he showed you no concern whatsoever when you needed support. You're deluded if you don't think your children have experienced his abusive behaviour and I find it difficult to believe that someone so self absorbed was a good dad.

Original poster
Met44 · 28/09/2024 13:45

There is no way I can leave at the moment.

The treatment is going to be quite harsh. The children are aware that the marriage hasn't been happy. I always thought he was such a great dad but can he be if he treats the mother of his children like this?

When I was ill he spun the narrative that I wasn't that bad and it was all a bit of attention seeking. Imagine if I left him now? The children would never forgive me either.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2024 13:51

Do you have your own bedroom or are you sharing with him?

Quitelikeit · 28/09/2024 13:54

The children would never forgive you?

Does that mean that they see you as a villain and that he can do no wrong?

Can I ask if it is ever going to be financially possible?

Also treatment only lasts so long? When is it due to finish?

moose62 · 28/09/2024 13:56

For now carry on being yourself with the children but grey rock him. He says he doesn't want you to look after him...don't.

If he starts being abusive, leave the room. Don't answer back just say 'ok'....most people need fuel to put on the fire and feed off your reaction. Don't give him one.

Start mentally sorting things out so that you are in a position to leave when the time is right.

Original poster
Met44 · 28/09/2024 14:08

@Aquamarine1029 I have my own bedroom

OP posts:
AgileGreenSeal · 28/09/2024 14:13

moose62 · 28/09/2024 13:56

For now carry on being yourself with the children but grey rock him. He says he doesn't want you to look after him...don't.

If he starts being abusive, leave the room. Don't answer back just say 'ok'....most people need fuel to put on the fire and feed off your reaction. Don't give him one.

Start mentally sorting things out so that you are in a position to leave when the time is right.

This, OP.

AgileGreenSeal · 28/09/2024 14:20

Quitelikeit · 28/09/2024 13:54

The children would never forgive you?

Does that mean that they see you as a villain and that he can do no wrong?

Can I ask if it is ever going to be financially possible?

Also treatment only lasts so long? When is it due to finish?

“Does that mean that they see you as a villain and that he can do no wrong?”

I’ve seen a very nasty, manipulative father twist the narrative in his children’s minds until they absurd see their mother as the villain. Think Grima Wormtongue

Original poster
Met44 · 28/09/2024 14:38

They really don't know the extent of it and I don't want to hurt them.

I would also never forgive myself if I left now, I would feel guilty. Everyone sees him as a Mr Nice Guy.
Imagine you hear a someone leaving their partner with a cancer diagnosis?

The treatment is going to be quite long, around 6 months and then a major operation. There is no guarantee that he will be cured or even survive the operation.

At the beginning it kind of bought us closer together but he has started to be unkind again. Not sure if it's his true colours or just the stress? That's why I feel so unsure if I'm being selfish?

I will give you an example of his behaviour.

It was my birthday the other day, We had arranged to meet DD in town where she is studying. She said book for 6pm as she wanted to do some shopping.
We arrived at 5pm and DH said let's pop into a bar for a quick drink.
DD phoned him and he said "we are here but take your time there is no rush".
She then phoned 20mins later to ask where we were and that she was at the restaurant. He told her we would be there shortly.
I said to him "come on let's just leave our drinks and go to her, she is sitting there alone."
He got really angry and said quite aggressively " We are not! Just sit there! Just sit there and don't move!"
I was literally frozen to the spot. When we got to the restaurant DD was a bit grumpy because she was tired and hungry. I apologised for keeping her waiting. After our meal we went home and he went and sat with DD and watched a series they have been watching together. I was a little upset but wasn't sure if I had a right to be?

Sorry for the essay :)

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 28/09/2024 14:43

Well I can understand why he wanted to finish his drink tbh!

She could have come to you

Quitelikeit · 28/09/2024 14:44

But she said 6pm in the first place

Original poster
Met44 · 28/09/2024 15:00

Yes, I do get that but it was the way he spoke to me, like a dog.
Maybe not the best example, but it left me upset and flustered.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 28/09/2024 15:10

An arsehole with cancer is still an arsehole.
You don't have to do anything for him or stay with him just because he is ill.
If it was a sudden change of character along with his diagnosis I would suggest more sympathy but its not