Am I being selfish?

[Met44]

Married 22 years, not particularly a happy one. DH has been quite emotionally abusive, gaslights, putting me down etc.

Had a really bad few years with my mental health, hospital stay and DH wasn't very supportive.
Then had a major accident which left me bedridden for 6weeks. DH would cook for me but did little in the house and no emotional support at all.

We discussed splitting up but not really an option financially at the moment.

I decided to get myself together, make more friends and just have a life for myself.

DH was then diagnosed with life changing cancer. We pulled together and I have been supportive. The first six weeks he seemed appreciative, we started doing things together and I just wanted to be there for him every step of the way. He was snappy and irritated with me at times but I let it all go over my head, who wouldn't be snappy in that situation?

The last few weeks though he has returned to type. Being quite nasty and emotionally abusive. I'm torn because I know this is a difficult time for him but it's really upsetting.

Last night he was horrible and I snapped back and we argued. He told me he doesn't want me looking after him.

Im just feeling very low today. I have nobody to talk to because he doesn't want anyone knowing and I have to respect that.

Was I being selfish to snap back? Not sure if I should just keep my mouth shut whilst he is going through treatment?

I feel so sad but not sure if I'm being selfish in all this?

I’d carry on with my life op. Make sure there’s food like he did for you, see friends and do things that make you happy. In front of the children you smile; and if they or he say you should be doing x for dad you can say clearly and firmly where were you when dad wasn’t doing that for me while I was ill? Does he deserve care more than I did? I looked after myself, while here I clean the house for us both and cook so he gets more care than I did, and I get less thanks than he did. In life children you sometimes reap what you sow.

He doesn't want you looking after him so don't. Leave. That's the only and obvious answer. Leave and don't look back.

You're having it really rough OP. I'm sending you sympathy and strength. It must feel like life is battering you from all directions, and without the foundation of a supportive mutually respectful relationship to sustain you. I think the only way to get through this is to look outside for support for you to help you do what you feel you need to do for your H (you don't have to stay, but I get why you feel you do). Do you have good friends who you can spend time with to off load and give you a break from him? I think its really important to build and keep up a life outside of him to give you the strength to cope with him. Also reach out to cancer support groups. There will be other people in similar situations.

Thank you @5128gap

It's just so difficult as he doesn't want anyone out of the family to know.
My parents do not talk to him because of the way I was treated when I was ill.
My DM worries about my mental health a lot so can't offload on her.

When I was in hospital his family only expressed sympathy for him and how he was coping with everything.

I cannot leave yet, I would not like myself if I did. I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy but I just feel I'm due some respect.

He sounds like a horror.
Typical abusive pig wanting everything to be secret.
Stop listening to him.
He is not a good man.
Start telling the truth.
Just because he is ill does not mean you have to tolerate this.
He doesn't deserve it.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

To be honest, I think you need some outside perspective, can you call Macmillan? Or get in contact with the cancer care team at the hospital if there is any support you can access?

Cancer puts a bomb under any relationship, but the one thing I would say is that the illness is not yours to carry.

Please really have a think about why you can't leave now, is it really only what the kids would think?

There might be real positives to having separate households, he can recuperate in peace during treatment rounds - treatment side effects can be distressing for children to witness and they can have some true respite.

A strong relationship can navigate cancer, but you may need to make a very very tough decision based on your situation - not the fantasy of a supportive team.

Obviously this all depends on Stage/type of cancer - but it can be a very long road with no obvious finish point, so if not now, be clear on your mind when.

My dear, you will not get any respect until you respect yourself. And you don’t.

He has done a number on you and if you stay you are proving to him and your children not only that it is ok for him to treat you this way but that you expect it. Your only option is to leave - if you want the best for you and your kids.

No one will thank you for staying with him. You won’t win any good mum awards or best wife accolades. Your spirit will die and you will get older and more invisible until there is nothing left.
You stay because you are afraid and it’s ok and it’s understandable. But sometimes the wolves outside the door are just imaginary but the wolf in your house is very real.

Tomorrow is a new day. You need to walk out that door and not come back.

You are absolutely deserving of respect. Your loyalty and preparedness to face this when you have so many reasons to leave should earn you respect in bucket loads. But I think you may need to accept that your H is not going to show it to you. He has never treated you well, and the impact of his illness are unlikely to improve him. They will just give him an excuse. It's typical for all sympathy to be directed to the person who is seriously with little to no thought for the carer who faces their own struggles, so his family's reaction is no surprise. Whether he wants people to know or not, you are entitled to share your experience with people who could support you. So I would certainly be confiding in a friend. You need that. And he doesn't need to know.
You could also try mentally and emotionally leaving him. So while you're there in body, you restrict your engagement to the necessary and superficial. You don't let him into your head and you focus your thoughts on the parts of your life that don't include him. It's almost like he's your job, or your house mate. It can be very helpful when you feel stuck.

@5128gap thank you, your reply is very helpful

Your children must see how he treats you

@Nanny0gg to a point but he is very careful when they are around.

A lot of things he said and done was when I was very ill. I don't want to tell them everything, it would only hurt them

You don't have to keep his secrets, you need support too. Your needs are important.

Calling the Macmillan line is a good shout from pp.

You also have Samaritans if you want to be able to talk to someone in confidence who doesn't know any of you and won't share what you say. It's not just for people feeling suicidal, it's for anyone in distress who needs someone to listen to them. 116 123

So your DD went to the restaurant early because he told her you were already there? And then he left her sitting there and was aggressive to you?

I would be upset if someone spoke to me like that even if it wasn't my birthday. And if that person treated me that way on a regular basis I expect I would be even more upset.

You're scared of him?

He sounds awful Op, whether he's ill or not. If you don't want to move out, I would just do the bare minimum of help. Don't go out to places with him. Think of him like someone that just lives in your house. Next time, just you and DD go out for dinner.

@gapattachment im not scared of him physically. But I guess Im worn down with it.

He has this habit of winding me up and then I explode and it looks like im the one with the problem.
This used to happen a lot when I used to drink. So it was "oh she's had a few wines and is kicking off".

I think now it's just for a quite life.

I will give another example which happened recently.
So, I have moved into the spare room so he is more comfortable. This has his desk and computer in.
He had reheated a chicken curry and was taking up to the room to eat. I asked him not too as I have to sleep in there and didn't want food smells. He went absolutely ballistic, shouting and swearing at me.

The next day he moved the computer onto our dining table where it still is, making the room look messy. I was so upset about the way he had spoken to me. He came home later with a bunch of flowers and I thanked him. I was just about to say that I understood his short temper but it wasn't right how he had shouted at me.
He cut me off mid sentence and said "You always do this! I've apologised with the flowers and you still have to have your say!"

I appreciate your reasons for not wanting to leave now. However, there are things you can do to protect yourself mentally and physically.

You don’t have to take orders from him. I would have left him in the bar and gone to DD.

Speak to a professional support charity, e.g. MacMillan. Don’t tell H .

Move the desk and computer into the bedroom he’s sleeping in.

If he physically threatens you, call the police. Having cancer is not an excuse for committing abuse.

He doesn’t want you to look after him, so don’t.

Try to emotionally distance yourself- don’t react to his provocation.

Check your financial/ legal position- who owns your home? Does he have a will ?

Well if you can't leave then live separately in the house. Let him look after himself. It's going to get worse though. He will possibly be angry at you as he's suffering and you're not. I'd make a leaving plan just to give you something positive to focus on. Good advice already on here. Get out and about, do something positive for yourself. Make yourself as resilient as you can.

Hi everyone

Trigger Warning contains details of suicide

Also this is long and I just need to rant and keep a record of my feelings, so sorry.

Just coming back to this thread as I feel so low today.

After a long wait, husbands treatment is due to start. He has really been messing with my mind lately and I keep going over how he treated me when I was ill. I just wanted to get some opinions if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm justified in being upset?

I became very ill mentally after my DF nearly died. During that time I had no real emotional or physical support from husband.

As soon as DF started to recover I got really bad. I would wake up physically shaking, couldn't sleep or eat. I continued to work but when I got home I went straight to my room. I was a complete mess.

GP prescribed a/ds and these made me worse . To my shame I thought the only way out was to take an overdose. I explained to husband how bad I was feeling and his response was " well you better write your will and sort out your pensions."
I took an overdose and Husband found me.

Drove me to the hospital where he shouted at me for what I had done and asked why I hadn't taken all of the tablets.

Dropped me off at A&E and returned to pick me up when I was discharged later that day. Was very angry with me.

Whilst I was waiting for an appointment with a psychiatrist the crisis team phoned him and said that I wasn't to be left on my own and to get rid of any medication in the house. My sister came to stay and made sure that I ate and pushed for a quicker appointment.

Husband had just taken all medication and put it under the bed.

I really really thought I had no way out and took another overdose, much more than the first. My sister took me to hospital and stayed and comforted me. I never once got a cuddle from husband. In fact I only think he helped after (getting me into a private hospital) as my sister was so disgusted with his behaviour.

Things have been tense with him and my family ever since. He believes they are totally unreasonable and I should "get over it."

I am not going to be the person he is and not look after him. I'm just feeling sad today because my DD asked me to sit with her dad tonight because he looked so sad.

I know people find it hard around mental health but you could physically see how ill I was. I lost 2 1/2 stone and nobody seemed to care.

Should I just forget all this? I feel like I'm making everything about me at the moment? But I'm getting no support and I need to be strong to get him through this treatment.

OP you need to get yourself away …

Oh OP, I feel so sad for you. You really have to leave him.

He's driven you to this, my Dad did this with my Mum and honestly I was so relieved when she left him. She tried to commit suicide 6/7 times (that I know of) and it's been a long road but she's happy now.

Stop protecting him. He doesn't care about you, stop thinking you have to look after him. He's not looking after you is he?

Please turn to your family and please leave him. You deserve so much more.

You don't need to be strong for him, you need to be strong for yourself.

No you shouldn’t forget it OP

I know it’s difficult OP but I think it’s best to start a new life away from your husband - fresh start

Thank you for your replies, I'm sitting here in tears because he has made me feel like im being overdramatic.

I really can't leave at the moment. I have literally no money, or job. The fallout if I left now would be horrific. Him and his family already say I'm overdramatic and make everything about me.

I just needed confirmation from outside as my family are biased apparently ?

How you support yourself without money and job? You have any help? I think is time to break up this relationship is toxic

I get an allowance from him. I have no idea how much he earns, all bills paid by him.

I did work before my breakdown but only minimum wage. Used to have a good career before children but gave it up to be a SAHM ( could kick myself). Completely reliant on him.

Where are your children regarding two suicide attempts?

How can they not know this?
Forget this horror and his family.

Can you go and stay with family?
Are the children like him, that they are so oblivious to their mothers treatment by this pig?

I think you need to try and save yourself.