Am I being selfish?

[Met44]

Married 22 years, not particularly a happy one. DH has been quite emotionally abusive, gaslights, putting me down etc.

Had a really bad few years with my mental health, hospital stay and DH wasn't very supportive.
Then had a major accident which left me bedridden for 6weeks. DH would cook for me but did little in the house and no emotional support at all.

We discussed splitting up but not really an option financially at the moment.

I decided to get myself together, make more friends and just have a life for myself.

DH was then diagnosed with life changing cancer. We pulled together and I have been supportive. The first six weeks he seemed appreciative, we started doing things together and I just wanted to be there for him every step of the way. He was snappy and irritated with me at times but I let it all go over my head, who wouldn't be snappy in that situation?

The last few weeks though he has returned to type. Being quite nasty and emotionally abusive. I'm torn because I know this is a difficult time for him but it's really upsetting.

Last night he was horrible and I snapped back and we argued. He told me he doesn't want me looking after him.

Im just feeling very low today. I have nobody to talk to because he doesn't want anyone knowing and I have to respect that.

Was I being selfish to snap back? Not sure if I should just keep my mouth shut whilst he is going through treatment?

I feel so sad but not sure if I'm being selfish in all this?

Thank you @TooManyNiblings

Yes you're right he would be ill and I would definitely be the bad guy!

Had a huge row last night, he went out to meet some old "friends".

I say that because when I was ill I found out they were not my friends. The woman has been particularly two faced and nasty about me.
How he can socialise with people that have really hurt me is hurtful. It's like I'm the enemy in every situation.

I have woken up this morning shaking with anxiety, I had to take a tablet to calm my nerves.
I have booked an appointment with my therapist for next week, I'm scared that I'm losing my mind again.

Sorry have nobody to vent to, I have to be careful around my family as they are so worried about me.

Go and stay with your sister.
He will be fine.
His type always will be.
Its soft doormats who really suffer.

Just having dinner, Husband announced that his brother is coming over.
His brother is a wife beating abusive wanker. DD said "I won't be having anything to do with him"
H said "don't let others people sway your opinion".
i replied that he was a disgusting person and why should DD need to be quite?
Dd DA and H turned on me, this isn't the place, we are having a family dinner, why are you causing an arguement?

Please tell me I'm not wrong? Please?

You're not wrong. Your husband shouldn't have decided this without speaking to you. Does he think the house is solely his and he gets to make the decisions?

Thank you @pinkyredrose

He isn't staying with us, coming from Australia. It is just the shutting down. I'm in shock actually, can't believe they all turned on me

That's so out of order! What did you day when they all started?

I'd have walked out and left them to it. It'll be a cold day in Hell before I knowingly invite a wife beater into my home.

I just told my children what he has done, how he screamed at me hen I took an overdose how he showed me no compassion. How he told me to write my will. Now they are hurting and shocked and it's all my fault

I gave ruined their feelings for their dad and I feel awful

have
Now I'm the bad guy! I've had enough Bow he is playing the cancer card in so done, I can't win

sorry, edited as hadn't realised how long-running this is.

OP stay strong for yourself. Your "D"H can take care of himself.

I feel just done . He now has the cancer card. I can't pretend I'm the concerned wife. I don't want him to die but I hate him. And now I've hurt my children and I don't know what to do ?

You need to leave and go and stay with your sister. Your H will be fine, there are other people who can look after him. The chemo probably won’t be that bad to begin with, and you will be stronger and more able to cope after a break.

your children will be fine, they can’t really be that naive about their dad surely.

put yourself first and have a break. It won’t make a difference, those that love you will understand and those who don’t - well fuck them.

Oh love.

leave.
Stay with your sister. Stay with any friend who will have you and care about you.
He is an emotional succubus.

Aww OP it feels like you are stuck in this impossible situation where you cannot escape. But this is how well he's manipulated things to keep you trapped. If you leave, he's made you feel you'll be the one in the wrong and a total horror for leaving someone with cancer. But all this time and all the years before he's been treating you horribly and controlling you.

It's very clever he is using the cancer card as a surface level more visible "thing" to pull out like how could you leave etc. I know you're worried the kids will blame you in the long run, but he's just been pulling the wool over their eyes as well and they can't currently see what's really going on.

The only thing for certain in all of this is that if you stay with him it won't change.
But I really get that leaving feels so, so hard and impossible, as you have to deal with not just him but your kids' reactions (until they realise what he's really like).
He's beaten you down for so many years it's going to ~feel~ selfish to even consider putting yourself first, but everyone on this thread is not wrong, you do not deserve to be treated this way and cancer or no cancer it's not ok. He's kept you beaten down for so long it's hard to see it AND believe you can (or should!) get away from it.

No one can appreciate how things really are as every relationship and situation is different. But all I know for sure is you do not deserve this and you should not have to force yourself through this. If you make a big change e.g. trying to leave or even have a break, of course there will be pushback because you're showing some fight for yourself and some autonomy which has been beaten out of you mentally. But you have to try to work towards survival and allowing yourself to believe, even just a tiny bit at a time, that you deserve better and you do not have to just give up no matter what your age etc is.

I wish there was a way to help you see it because I know it will feel impossible to with how things are right now, and how your head must be feeling!
If you could try to get even a couple of days away from him it might really help gain some perspective on things and give you some breathing room to think. It's too hard when you're in the environment all the time and he can keep saying things to keep you feeling down.

I'm wishing you all the strength in the world to get some space and telling you you have to protect yourself. It is not selfish, you are not selfish and you ARE worth looking after, but you have to find a way to allow yourself to start doing that. You may have to fake it in your head to allow it, as everything in you from all the years of his behaviour will scream at you you cannot do it or that you will be this terrible person if you do. Tell those voices they are wrong, even if you don't buy it. Keep saying it in your head. Keep reminding yourself what people have said here. Just allow these ideas to be there for a bit. Hopefully in time they'll start to get noisier and let you take steps towards getting some of your life back, little bits at a time.

He has been awful to you. The relationship is broken. It's hard because of the DC but they are not little children. Go to your sister's and begin to let yourself heal. You are not the person to care for this man through his treatment.

Thank you for your kind replies.

I am so angry with myself, I had too much to drink yesterday. His dad does that to his mum, shuts her down and she isn't allowed an opinion. I just saw red when he did that to me, especially as he was defending his disgusting brother who terrorised his wife and children.

Ive played right into his hands by having too much to drink. He was screaming at me "you are a disgusting alcoholic"

He has brought me to this, if he isn't being horrible he is ignoring me.

I was supposed to go to my mums today but I can't. I'm sitting in the tiny box room that feels like a cell. My mum will be very cross with me for drinking and playing into his hands.

The worse thing is I've upset my darling children who have been through so much. I really don't know where to turn.

But thank you for the validation, it really helps

Get up, get into the shower and get dressed. Then go to your mums. Go. Just do it. I know it’s so very hard and everyone is upset with you but you really really need some physical distance between you and him right now.

please, please do this. Don’t sit in that room by yourself. Get up and get out.

I second @tryingtobesogood. Get up. Get dressed. Walk out of the door.

I can't go to my mums, she will be angry with me and I feel bad enough as it is.

I say this gently and with kindness. You have become frozen for fear of others anger with you. You are staying in a house where your husband is openly angry with you, and you will not leave for fear your mum will be angry with you. I am sure that if the two, your mums anger will come from a place of love and concern and once she has got over it, you will be in a better place than where you are now.

please please give yourself a break and go to your mums

I agree with @tryingtobesogood. Call your DM and tell her you had a bad day yesterday, drank too much and it didn't end well. You're not proud of the drinking, but could really do with some love and support today, so could we park the alcohol issue for today, you're going to get it under control but today, you just need your mum. I know if one of my DDs asked this of me, I would be happy to help.

FWIW, I had plenty of occasions where I either ruined a get together or was embarrassingly indiscrete because I had drunk too much, and it became clear I was an alcoholic. It tool several lapses before I was properly sober and each time I had a lapse, I remember fearing the judgement of my DM over all others (even DH), so I really empathise. You'll get sober when you're ready @Met44, and once you do, I promise you many things in life will become easier and better, in complete contrast to the story you're probably telling yourself at the moment (Nothing will ever be fun without alcohol/I need alcohol because I'm stressed etc. and all the other rubbish I remember telling myself!)

Thank you @OliveWah

I messaged my mum and said I wanted to be honest, I'd had a drink and an argument with H.
She has read it but not replied so guess she is angry 😢

I really couldn't go there as I was frightened to drive after drinking last night.

Been stuck in my cell, my DD has popped her head in to see if I'm ok. My DS is working today.

I think I just unleashed all the hurt and disappointment I was carrying last night. He is ignoring me and will get the silent treatment.

I was just so angry when he was defending his brother and shitting me down like his pig of a father. Not sure what happens now? I've managed to upset my mum and children, something else to torture myself with!

Just go. Tell your mum how desperate the situation is and that you really don't want to drink.

You aren’t going to leave (I understand why).

I’d ‘separate’ (at least when the time comes) let G.P know and ensure there are carers put in place.

I’d be grateful for the silent treatment, by drinking you are playing into his hands. It looks likes you are being a drink around him when he has cancer, you are making yourself the problem. Don’t.
Stay out of his way as much as you can, it’s summer, go for walks, get out, take sandwiches if you have to. Meet friends, volunteer, get a job- just stay out of his way. Wait it out.
He won’t ignore you for long when he sees it doesn’t bother you anymore.

Do you usually have a good relationship with your mum? This is just a blip, you know you don’t have a drink problem, you drank, you vented, most people have been there. Speak to your mum and go there, maybe stay there a few nights a week if you can.