Am I being selfish?

[Met44]

Married 22 years, not particularly a happy one. DH has been quite emotionally abusive, gaslights, putting me down etc.

Had a really bad few years with my mental health, hospital stay and DH wasn't very supportive.
Then had a major accident which left me bedridden for 6weeks. DH would cook for me but did little in the house and no emotional support at all.

We discussed splitting up but not really an option financially at the moment.

I decided to get myself together, make more friends and just have a life for myself.

DH was then diagnosed with life changing cancer. We pulled together and I have been supportive. The first six weeks he seemed appreciative, we started doing things together and I just wanted to be there for him every step of the way. He was snappy and irritated with me at times but I let it all go over my head, who wouldn't be snappy in that situation?

The last few weeks though he has returned to type. Being quite nasty and emotionally abusive. I'm torn because I know this is a difficult time for him but it's really upsetting.

Last night he was horrible and I snapped back and we argued. He told me he doesn't want me looking after him.

Im just feeling very low today. I have nobody to talk to because he doesn't want anyone knowing and I have to respect that.

Was I being selfish to snap back? Not sure if I should just keep my mouth shut whilst he is going through treatment?

I feel so sad but not sure if I'm being selfish in all this?

OK @Met44, one step at a time. Have you had a shower today? If not, go and have one. Fresh clothes, brush your hair and off out for a walk, even if it's just around the block. Get some fresh air and some physical distance from the house where all this stressful stuff happened yesterday. You need to clearly show yourself a line in the sand that that was yesterday, and this is today, and we're leaving the stress of yesterday in the past, where it belongs.

You'll feel better than you do right now.

Your relationships with your DM and DC will be fine, right now you need to concentrate on picking yourself up and moving forwards. You can do this, I know everything feels insurmountable at the moment, but just focus on making yourself feel less shit right now. Put a podcast or some music on while you walk, it should stop you from ruminating and help stop repetitive thoughts.

Tomorrow is a new day. I'm not going to drink tonight, and I'm not planning to drink tomorrow, but even after 12 years, it's still one day at a time. So, I will not drink with you today if that helps at all @Met44? Care to join me? No pressure if you're not ready, but I promise you life will only get better when you are. You will feel more in control and much more able to cope when things do go wrong (as they inevitably do!) with the added bonus of not having to deal with the disappointment of your DM and listening to those cruel taunts about your drinking from your "D"H.

She just replied...OK

We are close but she can be very controlling. She messages me in the mornings "are you up?"
I then get at least 2 phone calls a day. If I don't answer she will message "I'm worried about you"

This can be suffocating so going to hers isn't really a break.

Hey @OliveWah

In sorry I didn't see your post when I updated, thank you for such a lovely reply.
The thing that annoys me with the drinking is I know I'm not an alcoholic, it does maybe give me the strength to stand my corner, but I know this plays right into his hands.

Spoke to my DM she was ok, bit annoyed with me for playing into his hands but understands the pressure I'm under.

DC have been fine with me, had lots of cuddles from them but we haven't actually spoken about anything. I can't bring myself to speak about it all. I think like everyone they are just exhausted with it all.

My heart just breaks for them, this is not the family life I wanted for them. It's so difficult trying to keep a happy atmosphere when I have been abused for so long.

H and I are just ignoring each other, he will not try and sort things out to keep a happy house. It has always been me that has to approach him, say sorry and then be told everything that I do wrong.

Going to see my therapist today.

Back again and thought I would give a little update.

Treatment is nearly over, outlook is good. So now some hard decisions need to be made I guess?

DH treatment of me has been awful. He said that he treated me so badly when I was ill because he was "going through his own mental health struggles at the time" First time he has ever said this and I feel it's only because the children are now aware of some of his behaviour.

I caught him and his brother making fun of my Sils weight. I told him I thought they were vile and disgusting. He replied "do you think I give a fuck what you think?"

He sometimes apologises for his behaviour by saying he isn't feeling well or "do you not think I have enough on my mind!"

He has handled his treatment really well and hasn't been sick or anything. Still continuing to drink and play football.

We haven't spoken for a few days as when were having a discussion with our son about a problem he has H shouted me down. I asked him not to speak to me like that and he replied with his usual "well you speak to me like that".
I was being very calm and he was raising his voice and refusing to listen to my input.
I just got up and went to another room, he tried to apologise saying he wasn't feeling well and I told him his apology was just lip service.

So now we have the silent treatment, I can't even look at him, I'm starting to hate him.

He spends a lot of his time looking at vile accounts online. Think women with huge inflated boobs. Not sure if he is using only fans but seeing that makes me feel physically sick.

I want to leave, my mental health is so bad, I really don't want to have to sell the family home, would I be eligible for any benefits? I know I need a job but my mental health is shot. We have no savings, I just don't know where to go for help?

Sorry, I'm really not sure why I'm posting this, I guess to keep a record of some sort. Hopefully I can look back on this one day, when I am free and happy....

I'm really sorry to hear it's so hard. I don't know what you would be eligible for but I do think you need to make a break. Could you speak to a solicitor? How old are your children?

I’m sorry op. He sounds horrible prior to being sick. You did what you had to do to give yourself peace of mind during his illness. You have paid your dues to him well enough. It’s time to give yourself peace that you deserve. Leave him and just know that he is manipulating you.

Now your husband is "out of the woods", health wise, this is the perfect time to start to focus on yourself.

Have a look at the Gov's 'Entitled To' website, which should give you an idea of any benefits you may be entitled to. Book a half hour consultation with a solicitor to find out how divorce would work for you. Start getting together copies of bank statements, any investments, pensions etc., and yours and the kids passports.

It's time to start getting your ducks in a row! Hopefully having something to focus on, and knowing that the light at the end of the tunnel is a life free from your miserable, mean, horrible husband, should be the best motivation there is!

Thank you

My children are young adults, both at university.

I have a friend who is looking for a flatmate, but she lives 6 hours away. The rent would be £700 per month, I could go there and then look for a job. But I would be far away from family. Also don't have any savings and £6k of credit card debt. That is on 0% agreement though so paying it off.

We have no family money, I have asked to see the business accounts but he hasn't shown me yet. I really don't think there is alot in there, most probably very overdrawn. Not sure if my mental health can take the reality of the shit situation I'm in.

Thank you all for your replies