Am I being selfish?

[Met44]

Married 22 years, not particularly a happy one. DH has been quite emotionally abusive, gaslights, putting me down etc.

Had a really bad few years with my mental health, hospital stay and DH wasn't very supportive.
Then had a major accident which left me bedridden for 6weeks. DH would cook for me but did little in the house and no emotional support at all.

We discussed splitting up but not really an option financially at the moment.

I decided to get myself together, make more friends and just have a life for myself.

DH was then diagnosed with life changing cancer. We pulled together and I have been supportive. The first six weeks he seemed appreciative, we started doing things together and I just wanted to be there for him every step of the way. He was snappy and irritated with me at times but I let it all go over my head, who wouldn't be snappy in that situation?

The last few weeks though he has returned to type. Being quite nasty and emotionally abusive. I'm torn because I know this is a difficult time for him but it's really upsetting.

Last night he was horrible and I snapped back and we argued. He told me he doesn't want me looking after him.

Im just feeling very low today. I have nobody to talk to because he doesn't want anyone knowing and I have to respect that.

Was I being selfish to snap back? Not sure if I should just keep my mouth shut whilst he is going through treatment?

I feel so sad but not sure if I'm being selfish in all this?

I think in the circumstances you don't "have to respect" him not wanting anyone to know he is ill. If you've got a close friend who can keep a secret, talk to them and get some support. He doesn't get to treat you awfully and then gag you as well.

Children are older, they know about the second one because that resulted in my hospital stay.
They don't know the circumstances leading up to it. They know their dad isn't perfect but say I'm not too.

Although he is very careful around them and I have protected them a lot. My daughter says that we just speak different love languages! But also her relationship with her dad is separate to my relationship with him and she loves him.

No family to stay with. My mum and dad don't have a spare room and my sister lives abroad. Before Brexit I could have gone there but too difficult now for longer than 3 months.

You’re married, 50% of everything is yours.

He told you not to look after him. You can live there and ignore him as he did you.

This is where I need help. Not a lot of equity in the house.
No way I could buy somewhere else, even renting would be astronomical.
Children living at home. I need to get a job, but I'm 54 years old. I've also really let myself go since coming out of hospital. I need a kick up the backside to try and find an exit plan. He has already worn me down, his dad did the same to his mum and she has given up.

I don't want to do that but I need help

play nice in front of the children, as he does.
Try and gather information about money- his income, bank accounts etc.

Look for work- don’t let caring duties for him stop you.

Consider going to women’s aid- he’s financially abusive apart from anything else.

Stop being distracted by your situation- the rights and wrongs, how sad you are that he’s an arsehole, etc- and focus on practical matters.

You can do it.

With your kids, if it comes up, you need to move away from the narrative ‘I’m sad he’s not a very supportive loving partner’, and be more pragmatic. He’s financially abusive, abandoned you on several occasions, where people would treat a dog better. Etc.

Thank you @SensibleSigma

I know it's easy to say just leave but this is the practical support I need. I was just feeling very sad and lonely today and wanted unbiased opinions.

My family are very supportive but obviously have no time for him.
My DS has struggled a lot over the last few years and is only just getting to be happy, I don't want to slate his dad to him, as much as I'd like to it would only hurt DS.

I just feel like I'm too old to start again? Please let that be a warning to you younger mumsnetters that feel that should wait until the children are older. It gets worse, do it now x

No, you can’t ’just leave’, and why should you? It’s your home too. Plan and make an organised move when you are ready to.

Re slating him to your DS, I agree. I just meant when it comes up in conversation, the times your DD is thinking it’s six of one and half a dozen of the other, give a more rational response. Less emotional, more pragmatic. Maybe more specific.

And you’re not too old. You just feel old and worn out. But that’s him.

Thank you Thank you @SensibleSigma

After Covid I really got my act together, was exercising, got some Botox, new job , was really looking great!
He agreed that he was emotionally abusive and would change. When I got ill and reminded him what he had said. He replied that he only agreed with me because he thought I was going to leave!

Im now stuck in a rut of being overweight, drinking far too much and letting myself go. I'm sorry I sound like such a pity party but I don't know how to pull myself out of this .

You pull yourself out of it by remembering this ‘He replied that he only agreed with me because he thought I was going to leave!’.

I suspect you are a bit of a people pleaser, a nurturer. When no one appreciates you, you aren’t sure what you are for?

Nurture yourself. Please yourself. Let him be the one that’s worrying about whether you are leaving or not.

@SensibleSigma
THANK YOU just what I needed to hear x

This is probably me being suspicious but does he definitely have cancer or could he be manipulating you to stay with him?

No he definitely has it, I have been to all the hospital appointments.

Sorry need to vent again and putting this here so I can read back on this thread to gather strength.

I don't have a very good relationship with in-laws. They have been very critical of me over the years. H never stands up to them.
My BIL is particularly horrible, could write a whole thread on just him!

When H got his cancer diagnosis he managed to make it about him, how upset he was etc.
Never once asked how I was coping. I have been on every appointment/ scan with H and as I said at the beginning H seemed grateful.

2 weeks ago H said that BIL partner had found a lump, was being investigated but no diagnosis yet.

SIL had MRI and message put on group chat that Stage 2 cancer been confirmed but no spread.
I messaged back how sorry I was and had been hoping for good news.
Bil replied "well it was confirmed 2 weeks ago!"
I said I didn't know that and he replied "very very strange ...."

I said to H I think I may have upset them and that he had told me that it hadn't been confirmed. He started shouting at me saying he has so much stuff on he was confused?

He also said you know what Bil is like and that he was driving him crazy.

I then heard H on the phone to his mum saying how he thinks Bil is getting stressed and he was going to call him.

He was on speaker to BIL and SIL discussing the research BIL had been doing regarding diet and vitamins to fight cancer.
H replying how great all the info was ( but privately to me he had said how he was driving him mad with all the info).

I then heard SIL ask how my MRI went as I've been having pain after an accident I had last year. I could here BIL in background saying "Well has she been exercising?"
H then took phone of speaker and went into another room to finish conversation.

Probably doesn't sound too bad, but at that moment I realised how two faced H really is and also what a gaslighter.

He has been really horrible the last few days and I've been finding solace in wine.

Im determined to stop drinking today and find some inner strength to get through all this

Sorry for the ramble, I'm using this thread as a journal to get me through

What's H's diagnosis, OP? Is he going to recover?

If he's going to make a full recovery, start getting your ducks in a row and see a solicitor.

Why would look after a man who treats you like a dog? He is never going to have an epiphany and change, this is him and he is an awful excuse for a human being.

@toucheee
Thank you, he plays with my head so much that I sometimes think it's me.

He has stage 3, treatment hasn't started yet as they couldn't get a positive biopsy.
They got one last week. The plan is radiotherapy/ chemo and then an operation.

Dr seems positive that it can be beaten but the operation will be life changing.

I am determined now that he isn't going to "break me".
I do need to use this time to get my ducks in a row and sort myself out. I look and feel awful.

My DM has said that he is crafty, sneaky and what a liar he is. Even after everything I tried to see the food in him and just thought he was a product of his upbringing.

Maybe hoping he would change, I'm so stupid.

FIL significant birthday tomorrow. I've been told we are going over to see him.
He is a horrible bully too (Apple doesn't fall....)
BIL will be there too.

Im so pissed off with them all, would it be bad if I don't go? Trying not to drink but I always want to drink in their company.

Will be bad mouthed but I'm at the point where I don't care!

Don't go, they are awful to you/about you anyway so what difference will it make?
The day you stop giving a shit what these arseholes think your life will get inordinately better

Thank you @Hoppinggreen

I think I will have to go, H is going early and said I can go when daughter finishes work. I would hate to upset my DD :(

Hey all thought I would pop into this thread as I'm having a pretty bad time of it.

H started his treatment after trying to put it off and curing himself with alternative medicine (long story).

We have had lots of arguments about this and one of the medicines he was given actually caused (repairable) damage.

I have been accused of being stupid about chemo, told that I need to educate myself.

Every book I've bought him, any suggestion I've given him has been thrown back in my face.

He has continued to drink alcohol, which I have not nagged him about. I understand that in his position he sometimes needs a release but has been drinking to excess on many occasions.
I bought him some non alcoholic CBD types of drinks and he wouldn't even try them. Just said they were crap and to return them!

Im really trying to detach and grey rock him but the silent treatment is awful.

Im dreading him starting chemo and how ill he may be. It's due to start soon (if he agrees) and I just want to run away.

The house is so miserable and I feel like the children blame me as he is the one with cancer.

He is making it so hard for me. Im really struggling with it all. Not sure what im looking for but I want to keep a record of things.

@Met44 I have just found this thread and have one thing I would say to you:
I work in cancer services, see a lot of very ill people every day. If someone leaves their partner after a cancer diagnosis, the assumption is that person is a grade A asshole who definitely deserves leaving. Drop the rope and look after yourself.

Thank you @TooManyNiblings can I please ask you a question?

He is due to start 4 rounds of chemo. Day 1 an infusion, then 2 weeks of tablets then a week off.

I know everyone responds differently but my sister wants me to go away for a little break. Even though I know I will get backlash from him and his family would be be too ill to leave for a week?

Go, get away from him.
You owe this horror nothing.

I think I would feel too guilty. Also if I booked something he would schedule the treatment to start that day.

Unfortunately until he starts it's hard to predict how he will tolerate the treatment. And I would guarantee if you book something he will be ill, whether that is real or faked. It's only 12 weeks so could you book something for when he's finished?