Not knowing how to help DD (23) find her soulmate

[littlemisspigg]

Please help, and be kind to me.
I'm not sure how I can 'help' DD(23) find her life partner. She's looking, but I don't know what advice to give?
My own marriage was quite rather traditional...DH did all the hard work and I just agreed, and it all worked out (luckily) just fine.
Please go easy on me

I don't think this is something a mum can help with tbh

If you can help her, can you help me too please?

She’s 23, why would you, her mother, be trying to find her a life partner?

I would tell her to concentrate on her career, studies and having fun.

To set good standards and not accept anyone who is slightly interested. Warn her about abuse behaviour and that she can alway leave and speak to you.

My advice is take her time, quality is better than quantity. Enjoy single life and learn from mistakes.

Have many people found their life partner by this age?

You can’t help her. It’s not the kind of thing you can force.

also, she’s 23.23! The vast majority of people have not met their soulmate at 23…

Your dd is 23. At her age she should be enjoying herself, new experiences that lead to meeting lots of new people. Then she can find her own life partner.

Does she work or go to college? Does she have hobbies outside the home? I'd just encourage her to expand her life outwards, and let her do the rest.

LOL

I think looking for a soul mate at 23 is a bit naive in all honesty.
people change so much between early twenties and early thirties, I know very few people who are happily with their first partner from a young age.

I don’t get why you’re so invested in helping on this quest either - wouldn’t you be better off encouraging her to worry about things that make her happy? Doing well at work or finding hobbies that she enjoys, travelling maybe, enjoying spending her own money exactly how she wants to without having to worry about kids or a partner or family pressures?

my advice would be for her to follow her own interests and live her life how she wants, and a partner will naturally present itself due to shared hobbies or clubs she might go to etc

1.It isn't up to a mother.

1. Most young people meet several partners before they settle down.
2. Twenty three is very young.
3. Some people never meet a soul mate and it certainly won't won't be if chosen by mother!!!

Urgh. Preferably don't talk about soulmates or 'the one'. I'm relieved to say my mother never tried to find me a boyfriend which was a good thing given her appalling taste in men.

Help her believe that she is interesting and valid as a person whether she has a partner or not, tbh.

The first thing you can do is make sure she know that soulmates don’t exist! It’s unrealistic. At that age she should be focusing on career, friends and having fun. Her mother should certainly not be involved or putting any pressure on. And your marriage sounds very old fashioned .if she is interested to date she should be looking for an equal partner with mutual respect

I think she’s a bit young but it doesn’t hurt to practise good dating at this point so that she’s not getting damaged by unhealthy relationships and can navigate well when it is time for a life partner. give her a copy of this-https://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Rules-digital-generation-bestselling/dp/0749957247/ref=asc_df_0749957247/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696450770360&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=16164137807458935562&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9189584&hvtargid=pla-460146958023&psc=1&mcid=54b1281b7d9f34188522fdaf236999b2&th=1&psc=1&gad_source=1
if you can afford pay for a few sessions with one of their coaches ( I can recommend the best one). Then just let her get on with it. This is what I’ll be doing for my daughter when she’s older.
I made a bit of a mess of it up until I divorced at 30 and then I read the above ^ met my lovely husband very quickly once I knew what I was doing.

@littlemisspigg your OP is eight lines long. Two of those are you begging anonymous strangers on an internet forum to be kind to you.

Do you feel you’ve developed sufficient resilience and maturity to be the best person to give your daughter relationship advice?

Which, by the way, she patently Does Not Need at 23! Why the hell would she need a ‘soulmate’? I would hope she already has the first stage of academic / professional qualifications to support a satisfying and thriving career? I hope she has strong friendships? And that she’s been able to travel independently? That she’s safe and as well as possible and enjoying her life? If so, I’m sure you’ve been a part of building those structures. Well done.

Don’t ruin all your good work by driving her down the wrong path now …

Encourage her to get out and do sociable activities.

Make sure she knows what a healthy relationship is like.

I'm sure you'll get a lot of posts telling you to butt out of her life and not push her to marriage or long term relationship so young. So I'll assume you mean a long term goal of finding a healthy happy relationship one day... I dont think it's unnatural for a parent to want a child to find that.

@Guavafish1 Gave great advice "To set good standards and not accept anyone who is slightly interested. Warn her about abuse behaviour and that she can alway leave and speak to you.
My advice is take her time, quality is better than quantity. Enjoy single life and learn from mistakes."

Well, firstly soulmates don't exist. Humans are imperfect by default, so encouraging expectations that there is a perfect man out there (but only one) is going to set her up for disappointment and desperation.

Encourage her to have a full life from friends, hobbies and career.

Encourage her to have clear dating boundaries that she sticks to.

Encourage her that being 1 of a pair is not a life goal.

1. Don't put threads in AIBU if you want people to go easy on you.

2. She's too young to be focussing on the one / soul mate.

3. Encourage her to focus on studies, work and participating in groups and activities which match her interests. She will develop an independent life outside of a relationship and will be more likely to meet someone eventually that she has lots in common with.

4. She needs to be resilient (not begging people to be kind to her), to maintain her boundaries and not have them eroded away, to recognise the signs of abuse both physical, emotional and financial and not put up with any shit - just because her family loves him and he is the 'one'.

Please don't encourage the nonsense of a soulmate. If you're lucky you find someone who makes you laugh and who you are compatible with and who is there for you when the shit hits the fan. You love them and you learn to compromise over the little niggles. But it is not flowers and champagne all the time. Sometimes it's tough because that's life but the fact that you are together means you weather the storm. Soul mate is just a cringey term for thinking you don't have to make an effort.
Also she's 23 get a grip no one needs a soulmate at that age she should just be enjoying life. Plus it isn't your job and will send any decent bloke running. (Assuming she isn't gay)

She’s 23! She’s got plenty of time to find her own soulmate.

Does she have a social life? I was out in pubs/clubs at that age and my dating life would come from that.

Help her to live a happy, complete and self-sufficient life alone. These are the kind of people who find it easy to meet others and have good, positive relationships.

Has she actually asked you to help her?

23 is an age to be starting to build your career, travelling and having adventures, enjoying life, being sociable, dating. Some people meet or have met a long term partner by then but a lot haven’t. I think you should just step back and let her spread her wings.

She's 23... Enjoy her youth and the freedom.