Not knowing how to help DD (23) find her soulmate

[littlemisspigg]

Please help, and be kind to me.
I'm not sure how I can 'help' DD(23) find her life partner. She's looking, but I don't know what advice to give?
My own marriage was quite rather traditional...DH did all the hard work and I just agreed, and it all worked out (luckily) just fine.
Please go easy on me

I'm sorry but why as her mother would you even presume it was part of your role to get involved in your dd's romantic life? Nothing could be worse. Stay out of it. She will find a partner when she is ready and independent enough to do it without her mother's input. Also the notion of soul mate sounds completely strange, so much pressure, surely it's about fining a partner, a good friend who you feel attracted to.

The only thing you can do to help is cut those apron strings.

DH did all the hard work and I just agreed, and it all worked out (luckily) just fine.
Are you from the 1950s? With this as a role model, it's kinda not surprising she is giving romantic relationships a miss.

OP, this is not your role - you would be best to back off.
She's only 23 - why is this even an issue?
There is no such thing as "a soulmate"!
Maybe she will never have a life partner - and that's fine.

Ideally, your daughter is currently concentrating on her studies or career, making good friends, travelling, enjoying hobbies etc. If she does all if this, she will have a happy life. If she also, coincidentally, meets a partner, that's all good, but there are more important things in life.

But you are at liberty to say ‘Not now’ and get on with your life!

There sure are some whacky threads on MN recently.

she is relatively young OP.
let get on and enjoy life.
She will find here partner eventually,
If not stay single isn't bad thing though.

No you can't.

But if you are actively looking to fill some need, or fulfill some tickbox goal, chances are objectivity is diminished, and the risk of meeting someone wholly inappropriate, is high.

Well she needs to focus on herself, at 23 the frontal cortex still isn’t wired up so give it until 25 at least. Hopefully she has hobbies and interests?

Also I agree there isn’t a soulmate. Don’t enable her to meet an arse hole under that pretence. What there is is matching values, kindness, aligned life objectives. These will be a good foundation to build rather than a notion of a one soulmate that only leads to staying with done plonker or going after someone else’s plonker.

Losing the toxic and outdated notion of a 'soulmate' might be helpful.

@LeoOakley I'm not talking about the OP's daughter's situation I mean in general.

I don't think you need to help her, find a soul mate. She should be off enjoying herself, working, going out.
Does she know what a healthy relationship is. Is she attracted to the right kind of men? Caring men, looking for a serious relationship. With character and longevity. What have her previous relationships been like?

Why do you feel the need to interfere?

She 23 a grown woman. Encourage her to enjoy her life. Do things with friends, get a hobby, concentrate on her career. She'll meet someone when the time is right. She doesn't need to be defined by a relationship.

OP, if you have brought her up with good family values and good self esteem, she will be confident to recognise a good partner when she comes across him/her…any time in the next 15 years.
This is a time for her to grow her independence with her career, her travels and relationships of her own choosing, having fun along the way. Managing her own ups and downs in life will help refine what she wants out of life. You can’t do it for her.
Your job is mainly over now, as she will already be well on the way to becoming her own unique person. It’s just a support role as and when and if she needs it.

If she has asked for your help in finding a partner, encourage her instead, to understand herself and to concentrate on her career with full financial independence being her objective. Encourage her to meet new friends and to enjoy her freedom to explore. Make sure she knows how to keep herself safe.

Christ, you sound like my mother.
When I was 24 she spoke to my younger sister about how worried she was that I hadn't found 'Mr Right '. It made me feel so embarrassed and it wasn't actually what I wanted. Please stay out of it unless she specifically asks for help. Not everyone wants to be in a relationship. It isn't the 1950's anymore.

It's pretty weird how it doesn't seem to even occur to you that having a "life partner" isn't actually compulsory. Have you ever told her that?

Not everyone wants one, and not everyone who does gets their wish. For some, it never works out. Maybe don't give her the message that it's some sort of catastrophe?

Exactly this.

Yes, I think the sum total of my discoveries at that age was ‘Sex is way more fun than my devout Catholic education led to me believe, and the finger of God doesn’t reach down from the sky to point in outrage when I slip home from a ONS at dawn!’ The idea of ‘settling down’ was somewhere in the foggy distance for me.

She might never, some people never do. It's just one of those things, you can't force it

OP - I mean this kindly but if I had any inkling that my parents were trying to help me find a soulmate when I was in my early twenties I would have started running and not stopped. Your dd is an adult. She’s in charge of this stuff now. Not you.

She's got years of having fun and shagging around to do!

She's still so young, let her live her life. She doesn't need to be tied down by traditional nonsense.

As am I. Most 23 year olds aren't shopping for their soulmates.